Tuesday, June 27, 2017
"Baby don't you wanna go, back to that same old place sweet home Chicago?"
Honeymoon was fantastic!!!!!!
This is the happiest I've ever been! I love Jose so much! I can't wait to see what the future holds for us two. Life is going to be great!
Monday, June 12, 2017
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
I'm taking her home with me, all dressed in white...
Sorry, I forgot to post right after Valentine's Day but I've been getting busy with wedding planning and I know I'm only going to get even busier. So here's Jose's present to me! The lyrics area great, and hold special meaning to us, in a funny way...
What can I say, I'm a sucker for a guitar player? :)
Things have improved greatly since November. Jose got on new medications and takes full doses of both of them now. He also takes his medications at a different time in the day which has really helped him. He told his doctor a few weeks ago that the voices have quieted down significantly and he hardly hears them anymore. He's also gone back to school! Yayyy! And we've been honeymoon planning, too. You can just tell in his eyes that so much stress and frustration has been lifted off him. I'm happy because he's happy. He's happy because I'm happy. Now, if only we can make it to June 10th at this level of stress-free and happy, I'll be forever indebted to the universe.
Okay, back to reality. My posts will be scarce from here till the wedding but that's okay, right? We all got some serious planning ahead of us.
Couldn't think of a better guy to do it with :)
What can I say, I'm a sucker for a guitar player? :)
Things have improved greatly since November. Jose got on new medications and takes full doses of both of them now. He also takes his medications at a different time in the day which has really helped him. He told his doctor a few weeks ago that the voices have quieted down significantly and he hardly hears them anymore. He's also gone back to school! Yayyy! And we've been honeymoon planning, too. You can just tell in his eyes that so much stress and frustration has been lifted off him. I'm happy because he's happy. He's happy because I'm happy. Now, if only we can make it to June 10th at this level of stress-free and happy, I'll be forever indebted to the universe.
Okay, back to reality. My posts will be scarce from here till the wedding but that's okay, right? We all got some serious planning ahead of us.
Couldn't think of a better guy to do it with :)
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Let's walk through the fire together...
I don't like posting too much about Jose's schizophrenia or depression, because I know it's private and he should be the one talking about it, but sometimes it moves into my life and I need to vent.
Mental illness sucks. Like cancer and other harmful diseases, it's unfair and stupid. It not only affects your loved one, but it begins to encroach into your life, too. This schizophrenia robs you of your fiancé for hours at a time and replaces him with a cold, unloving shell of his former self. I keep telling myself that it's just the disease talking but regardless, I feel sad. It's like Jose is drowning and I'm trying to pull him out of this deep hole but I can't, I just can't hold onto him. He slips past my fingers and he's gone. He won't talk and he won't smile. He just wants to be left alone and not speak to anyone. Any attempt to try and break his silence is met with antagonism and anger. In an instant, the sweet boy everyone knows is uncaring and unreasonable.
I never know what will set off an episode, so I stopped trying to figure it out. I try to understand how his brain works when he's like this but it feels like I'm trying to decode a maze wrapped inside out. Nothing makes sense. What might have made him shrug a few days ago is suddenly the worst thing you could have said to him. Ideas that were fine with him yesterday morning are now the source of frustration.
I feel I'm not equipped to handle this or I don't do a good enough job to be a shoulder for Jose to lean on. It hurts when the voices in his head start telling him mean things and he takes it out on me. Why do these hallucinations have to target me when all I want to do is help? Again, I have stopped trying to comprehend because I know they're not real.....but they're real to Jose and that's what saddens me. The new medication helps but not always. Jose told his doctor the voices have gotten worse with time and especially when he's stressed. She agreed with him and really offered no other help. The new meds are still very much new, so who knows if it's a matter of adjusting to them and giving them more time. I've suggested many times he talk to a professional but I can't force him.
So how do we break through when an episode is going on? The only thing that has worked. Talking through it. I told him I will never stop trying to talk to him. I reach into the murky silence and do my best to pull him out. The voices fight against me the entire time. But I keep pushing through. And sometimes we cry because it feels hopeless. Jose cries because he feels things don't get better. That nothing works. That no matter how much you try to fix the situation, it keeps coming back. It kills me knowing that this episode will not be the last. There will be others. Worse ones. Easier ones. Some that feel exactly the same, so much that we both say it feels like the illness takes us in circles. My dream of reaching into his brain and removing this dumb disease will never come true. But I love him and that's why I keep fighting. I tell him every single time. I am here and I will always be here until I no longer have any strength left in my body.
When an episode passes, I get my Jose back. He's making jokes and talking like his old self again. He's cuddling our cat and showing me funny videos on his phone. He's reasonable and understanding again. He likes life again and he feels hopeful. He wants to post on social media again. He's out of the abyss and things return to normal. I try never to take "normal" for granted. Normal is nice. Normal is boring. Normal is familiar. Normal is planning this wedding and we agree on all the big things while trying not to sweat the little things. You never appreciate normal more than when things are NOT normal. Value normal. Cherish it. There are great moments lost in the quiet of normal. Normal is a thing of beauty and you're lucky if you can have it for years.
Jose's disease masquerades as an obstacle. It tests our resolve. It tries to stand in our way and ask if we're really committed. Do we really want to get married and grow old together? And to that I say: YES. You're damn right we do. I know I'm not some savior that has to rescue Jose every time he falls into a deep hole. I am his partner. I am standing along the edge of the deep waters and looking in, hoping he will see me there and start swimming back up, on his own. He can do it. I know he can. He knows I will never leave him alone in there. I think that's what marriage means to me. We all just swim in different pools. Some are deeper than others. Some are shallow or barely reach our ankles. Sometimes they go up to our knees and we can wade through the problems with ease. Schizophrenia, manic depression, tremors and all the other things that come in this life of ours are swirling together trying to sink us further. But we won't let them....nope. We aim for the surface.
Mental illness sucks. Like cancer and other harmful diseases, it's unfair and stupid. It not only affects your loved one, but it begins to encroach into your life, too. This schizophrenia robs you of your fiancé for hours at a time and replaces him with a cold, unloving shell of his former self. I keep telling myself that it's just the disease talking but regardless, I feel sad. It's like Jose is drowning and I'm trying to pull him out of this deep hole but I can't, I just can't hold onto him. He slips past my fingers and he's gone. He won't talk and he won't smile. He just wants to be left alone and not speak to anyone. Any attempt to try and break his silence is met with antagonism and anger. In an instant, the sweet boy everyone knows is uncaring and unreasonable.
I never know what will set off an episode, so I stopped trying to figure it out. I try to understand how his brain works when he's like this but it feels like I'm trying to decode a maze wrapped inside out. Nothing makes sense. What might have made him shrug a few days ago is suddenly the worst thing you could have said to him. Ideas that were fine with him yesterday morning are now the source of frustration.
I feel I'm not equipped to handle this or I don't do a good enough job to be a shoulder for Jose to lean on. It hurts when the voices in his head start telling him mean things and he takes it out on me. Why do these hallucinations have to target me when all I want to do is help? Again, I have stopped trying to comprehend because I know they're not real.....but they're real to Jose and that's what saddens me. The new medication helps but not always. Jose told his doctor the voices have gotten worse with time and especially when he's stressed. She agreed with him and really offered no other help. The new meds are still very much new, so who knows if it's a matter of adjusting to them and giving them more time. I've suggested many times he talk to a professional but I can't force him.
So how do we break through when an episode is going on? The only thing that has worked. Talking through it. I told him I will never stop trying to talk to him. I reach into the murky silence and do my best to pull him out. The voices fight against me the entire time. But I keep pushing through. And sometimes we cry because it feels hopeless. Jose cries because he feels things don't get better. That nothing works. That no matter how much you try to fix the situation, it keeps coming back. It kills me knowing that this episode will not be the last. There will be others. Worse ones. Easier ones. Some that feel exactly the same, so much that we both say it feels like the illness takes us in circles. My dream of reaching into his brain and removing this dumb disease will never come true. But I love him and that's why I keep fighting. I tell him every single time. I am here and I will always be here until I no longer have any strength left in my body.
When an episode passes, I get my Jose back. He's making jokes and talking like his old self again. He's cuddling our cat and showing me funny videos on his phone. He's reasonable and understanding again. He likes life again and he feels hopeful. He wants to post on social media again. He's out of the abyss and things return to normal. I try never to take "normal" for granted. Normal is nice. Normal is boring. Normal is familiar. Normal is planning this wedding and we agree on all the big things while trying not to sweat the little things. You never appreciate normal more than when things are NOT normal. Value normal. Cherish it. There are great moments lost in the quiet of normal. Normal is a thing of beauty and you're lucky if you can have it for years.
Jose's disease masquerades as an obstacle. It tests our resolve. It tries to stand in our way and ask if we're really committed. Do we really want to get married and grow old together? And to that I say: YES. You're damn right we do. I know I'm not some savior that has to rescue Jose every time he falls into a deep hole. I am his partner. I am standing along the edge of the deep waters and looking in, hoping he will see me there and start swimming back up, on his own. He can do it. I know he can. He knows I will never leave him alone in there. I think that's what marriage means to me. We all just swim in different pools. Some are deeper than others. Some are shallow or barely reach our ankles. Sometimes they go up to our knees and we can wade through the problems with ease. Schizophrenia, manic depression, tremors and all the other things that come in this life of ours are swirling together trying to sink us further. But we won't let them....nope. We aim for the surface.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Going to the chapel & we're gonna get married....
"You make it hard to be afraid of the future"
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED, EVERYONE!!!!! OH MY GOD! I CAN'T STOP POSTING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED!! JOSE IS GOING TO BE MY HUSBAND AND I AM GOING TO BE HIS WIFE!! I'M STILL IN SHOCK BUT SOOOO HAPPY!!
Okay, okay, you deserve the whole story since one of my greatest dreams came true. Alright, here goes:
I should have known something was up when Jose said he had Saturday off. If you know him, then you probably know he works with a bunch of buttholes who never let him take Saturday off. He's missed a few special gatherings because he couldn't get the day off. So he asks me what I want to do and I suggest hitting up a beach and checking out the sunset. He agrees and almost immediately suggests going to Palos Verdes beach to check out the waves and sea slugs. Hmm. Okay. I agree and off we go.
Driving to the beach was a pain and a half with all the traffic and certain freeways being closed. We exited early and took a LONG time driving through some shitty neighborhoods to get to the beach. But finally, we wound up in the nice beach communities and stopped to pee at McDonald's. It wasn't long before we were cruising along PCH (Pacific Coast Highway). I kept remarking how beautiful the ocean looked. It was still 5 miles till Palos Verdes when we both noticed how AMAZING the sunset was starting to look at Paradise Cove. Jose tells me to make a U-turn where it's safe and we can hang out there. We lay down some towels and he sets up his tripod. He wants to interview on camera and I'm like "uhmm okay?" and we start on all these cute questions about relationships and future goals. .The interview is happening and I notice the sun is starting to set so I ask if he wants to stop the tape and start taking some pictures. He says sure but first he wants to something else. I laugh because I see him take out a plastic baggie. What are we going to do? Smoke some weed to coincide with the beautiful sunset? BUT NO! He's putting the ring in one of these little infinity light up boxes he makes for jewelry. I CAN'T BELIEVE MY OWN EYES! He asks me to marry him and I fall down on the ground where he's at. OF COURSE I SAID YES!!!!! I can feel how hard his heart is beating. We stay to watch the rest of the sunset and we're both just talking so much. It's all so wonderful! We drive back to civilization so we can have dinner and call our families. I feel like I'm floating on air!!!!!!
It turns out Jose asked my mom on Friday for her blessing and he said he was more scared to ask her than he was to ask me hahahaha. He showed her the ring and she was so emotional.
This is the happiest I think I've ever been in my life! I am looking forward to planning our wedding but most of all, planning out our amazing marriage. Here comes happily ever after!
I love Jose so much, it feels like my heart will burst at any moment. You think you know what perfection will look like inside your dreams and fantasies, but Jose has exceeded that. He has gone beyond anything I could have come up with in my imagination. I made a wish a long, long time ago that I hoped the next person I would fall in love with would be my husband, that he would be nice and considerate. I just wanted the bare minimum of a good person. I could not have thought that my future husband would be all that and more. Even just typing this, I can feel my eyes wanting to cry from sheer joy: Jose is not just nice....he's sweet, gentle and helpful. Jose is not just a good person....he's responsible, thoughtful and kind. He is my friend, he is my lover, he is my partner, he is my confidant and my cheerleader in this life. I am happy to spend the rest of my life being the same for him. He has a piece of my soul and a piece of my heart. Together, we are going to do amazing things. SAUCEDO WEDDING COMING IN 2017! GET READY!!!!!!!! :)
Monday, October 3, 2016
I wanna give you the world like it was mine to share...
Life is happening so fast that I forget sometimes I need to update this thing. I keep this journal not only to document the good times, but to also reflect on the bad times. What I wanted was a record of how I have grown as a person and what I have learned about the meaning of love. I guess I was naive and thought life only moved forward in one direction, like a linear story I would tell my children or grand children. But living (and loving) Jose has taught me that life does not work that way. I can scarcely keep up with the way the future is growing because it does NOT go in a straight line. I quickly learned that life explodes and unfolds like a flower. It bursts and moves in all sorts of direction, spreading this way and that way. There's the story of me and Jose, then Jose - me - our cat, then my life with my mom and family, Jose's family, our friends and their significant others, our friends kids, work friends, and on and on. Here's one thread unwinding and moving in this direction and then there's another thread branching out. So forgive me if I forget for months at a time that I wanted to in my small way write all of this down.
One special piece of news: Jose has a niece! His sister Elizabeth had her second child, a little girl named Olivia :)
Baby fever has hit an all-time high!! She's a cutie and I look forward to watching Olivia grow up. We've added another thread to the story.
Also, we went to a huge concert a couple of weekends ago to see a bunch of Rhymesayers Records artists which included Atmosphere, Jose's favorite hip hop group. His brother Cas tagged along and we were so lucky to meet the rapper Slug (real name: Sean Daley)! He was so nice! And incredibly tall. The boys were blown away and at a loss for words. Jose couldn't even look Slug in the face, he was so star struck. Cas could barely get his words out. I had a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day. The show was incredible and has been by far the best rap show I've ever been to. I guess it's no secret that I am also now a huge Atmosphere fan since Jose introduced me to their music 4 years ago. I love the lyrics, the soulful beats Slug raps over and how relatable their music can be.
So I guess you could say, life has been good. We've hit a couple of snags here and there but nothing that we couldn't work out. I'm continually excited to see where all the threads of my life might lead. I promise to hurry up and try to write as much of it down as I can :)
One special piece of news: Jose has a niece! His sister Elizabeth had her second child, a little girl named Olivia :)
Also, we went to a huge concert a couple of weekends ago to see a bunch of Rhymesayers Records artists which included Atmosphere, Jose's favorite hip hop group. His brother Cas tagged along and we were so lucky to meet the rapper Slug (real name: Sean Daley)! He was so nice! And incredibly tall. The boys were blown away and at a loss for words. Jose couldn't even look Slug in the face, he was so star struck. Cas could barely get his words out. I had a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day. The show was incredible and has been by far the best rap show I've ever been to. I guess it's no secret that I am also now a huge Atmosphere fan since Jose introduced me to their music 4 years ago. I love the lyrics, the soulful beats Slug raps over and how relatable their music can be.
So I guess you could say, life has been good. We've hit a couple of snags here and there but nothing that we couldn't work out. I'm continually excited to see where all the threads of my life might lead. I promise to hurry up and try to write as much of it down as I can :)
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Meet me in the altar in your white dress...
The ring is done and Jose's dad is personally bringing it down from Reno the weekend of September 22nd to coincide with the birth of Jose's sister Liz's baby girl. Little Olivia has a programmed c-section on the 22nd.
I've started researching which city hall we want to get married at and which restaurant would be best to have dinner with our closest family and friends. I'm trying to keep everything low cost and low key, but with our families...that might not be the easiest thing to do.
Honeymoon!! I know we're aiming to marry in November, maybe even later so that we can take advantage of the "cold" weather here in LA. I've begun researching that, too but it won't be a long getaway since Jose gets very little vacation time. We might just stay local or in the tri-state area. So excited nonetheless!
Good thing it's summer so I have a lot of free time to research the internet and dream of the perfect wedding that reflects the love we have for one another :)
I've started researching which city hall we want to get married at and which restaurant would be best to have dinner with our closest family and friends. I'm trying to keep everything low cost and low key, but with our families...that might not be the easiest thing to do.
Honeymoon!! I know we're aiming to marry in November, maybe even later so that we can take advantage of the "cold" weather here in LA. I've begun researching that, too but it won't be a long getaway since Jose gets very little vacation time. We might just stay local or in the tri-state area. So excited nonetheless!
Good thing it's summer so I have a lot of free time to research the internet and dream of the perfect wedding that reflects the love we have for one another :)
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