"I was your silver lining but now I'm gold..."

I really think that Facebook and other social networking sites do more harm than good when it comes to mending the fragile post-break up friendship between former lovers...I am forever walking this strange tight-rope with the 3 or 4 different guys I've dated over the years....I don't want to say the wrong thing and make him think the wrong idea...or say the right thing and make him think that I'm not over him...and on and on it goes, like a dog chasing it's tail...like a snake eating itself.

I suppose if you have nothing better to do (like me!), Facebook is a good portal into stalker-hood...it exacerbates my neurosis and feeds into some weird narcissistic need to know what others say about me. It's sick, I know.

For example:

I got Dan and I tickets to see Paul McCartney, the former Beatles front-man, perform at the Hollywood Bowl next month. We both absolutely adore the Beatles and they were our favorite band growing up...our living room contains dozens of little Beatle relics here and there, including a collage I made from some Beatles postcards and pictures. So naturally yesterday morning I post in excitement:

"I got a date with Paul McCartney in exactly 5 weeks."

My friends all chime in with words of encouragement. Including fucking Edgar.

lucky u. A date with Paul McCartney i am so jealous

His comment just hangs there. I gotta say something...right?

WRONG. I should have ignored him. But I didn't...because I'm stupid.

I deliberated for several minutes on what to say back, begging myself not to fall into this quandary again. I write back:

Ed, hahaha..no worries. I'm pretty sure YOU have nothing to worry about. :)

What...the...fuck?

I mean what the fuck does that even mean? Like...am I trying to be flirtatious? What if Dan reads that? Argh fuck. There. I did it. Maybe no one will care. I convince myself nobody can be as concerned with my status updates than I am.

Piggy-backing on that situation, my former flame Rob decides to ask me a) how much the tickets for Paul McCartney cost and b) do I still have any of film recording equipment from college? His new band would like some audio and video shot. I offer to do so, even though all my recording devices now are pretty amateurish. Rob, by the way, has a cute new little girlfriend named Sunny...complete with red hair. I feel like a bag of farts compared to her. (sigh)

Thanks to Facebook, I'm back to chatting online with my ex-boyfriend Paul. It was very pleasant catching up with him. We talked about work, shitty landlords and relationships. He is single again...I remember staring daggers at this girl Carmen he was dating as I glanced at her profile on Facebook...Cuban, bi-sexual, borderline militant feminist and poly-amorous and with a butch, lesbian haircut...compared to her, I felt like a runway model. (yesss!) He confessed that he wasn't putting as much effort into the relationship as he wanted to, a theme that resonated with the demise of our love affair. He admitted his mistake but wondered how he kept making them. I promised a trip to see him late this summer, to which he was elated...he even offered me his couch to sleep on. I made it clear I'd visit alone and that we'd have to get drunk. I know that once you get the two of us and alcohol together, it's a recipe for a guaranteed sexy time. I pray that I'm single the next time I see him.

And I guess on a final and related note, I have developed a little bit of an unhealthy crush on Dan's good friend Hale. His real name is Matt, but hardly anyone calls him that. He came to visit a couple of weekends ago and we watched him play on the ASU lacrosse team against UCLA and Whittier College. I had met him earlier last year on a drunken bender/trip he had made out to Hollywood while visiting his friend Dave. I danced a little with Hale in this crowded bar in West Hollywood and talked to him over the loud, thumping music while Dan drunkenly looked for more beer. Hale seemed nice but a little unstable. We ended that night around 4 in the morning. All I remember is curling up on Hale's hotel room bed, watching him and Dave smoke a blunt while Dan vomited in the restroom.

Here we are, flash forward 6 months later, and he's stopped smoking weed. He also hadn't had a drop of alcohol the whole weekend because of team rules. We hung out with him in his hotel room. He looked composed and clean-shaven. We decided to watch a few episodes of "Eastbound and Down." Dan sat on a chair in one corner of the room while I scooted onto the bed and joined Hale. I made a joke about making a move on him, to which we all had a good laugh. Oh, if only they knew my secret thoughts.

I made sure each time I hugged him hello or goodbye, I'd squeeze just a little bit hard than the last time. My mind was reeling with sickening school-girl crush impulses...one of them including the revelation that Hale has the nicest green eyes I've ever seen.

It all came to a nice ending when at the conclusion of the ASU/Whittier game, Hale and his teammates whipped off their shirts. It took all I had in me not to let my jaw drop. He thanked us for coming to the game and said we'd have to meet up again soon. My eyes devoured him, recording every detail. I would have licked each drop of sweat off him without a second thought had things been different.

Since then, he and I have developed a nice friendship through Facebook. I've sent him pictures from the game and we've exchanged comments back and forth about them. All very innocent. All very normal. Maybe it's best I'm not single around Hale. I've seen his pictures on Facebook and seen him on drugs and alcohol. I know he'd be down to fuck me if Dan was out of the picture, but that rabbit hole might lead me to do some crazy, trashy things.

Ahhh, lust. You truly are an all-consuming vice.

And I'm not going back into rags or in the hole....

Life has just settled down.

Things are happy and comfortable.

I'm laying down on my stomach, reading Camus's "The Stranger" on my nice, comfy bed. It's 8:15 pm on a random Thursday.

Nothing in the world is bothering me.

Dan's in the living room happily killing zombies on his computer video game.

I'm at peace.

And then my phone chirps. I raise an eyebrow and slowly get up to fetch it from my dresser. "It must be Hale" I think. He's Dan's friend from college. He'll be here this weekend for a few lacrosse games and we're going to hang out with him.

Nope. It ain't Hale.

It's Ed.

FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK WHATTHEFUCKDOIDO!??!

I draw a breath. Tell myself to stop acting like a jackass and read it.

Edgar: Hi

For Christ sake, don't dissect it...answer the Goddamn, boy!!

me: Hey u...what's up?

Shit, did I wait the appropriate time to show him I'm not super fucking excited...was that enough of a wait to show him I don't care? FUCK FUCK FUCK.

The blood stops roaring in my ears. My heart rate has slowed. I go back to reading my book. Why should I care? Right? Why?

Edgar: Its been a while i just wanna say hi

Wait...what does that mean? Does that mean he's thinking of me? He wants to keep tabs on me? He wants to show some interest in how I'm doing...what what what?!? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?

I could spend all night analyzing that. But I think the frantic minutes here are more than enough. I gotta snap out of it. I'm being silly and quickly slipping into obsessive girl mode. We already know this leads to nowhere but crazy-ville.

me: I know...how nice of u. Hope all is good with u. I'm jealous u went to vegas!

I wince. FUCK. That sounds like I spy on his Facebook. Whatever.

Edgar: Yeah vegas was the shit.

I have to stop myself from replying: "And not a single drunk text from you. I must say I was a bit disappointed."

I don't want to sound needy. Or overly flirty. Or horribly dependent on him for attention.

I've noticed now I've spent about a half hour or more agonizing over appropriate answers and tone. FUCK THIS. I want to go back to my regular life where I don't run every reply through a fine toothed comb. I decide to keep him guessing and dump this conversation.

me: I'm going to vegas with my girls in june. I plan to be fucked up outta my mind. Be good, we'll talk soon. :)

I get no reply from him. Excellent.

Like a smoker, like a drug addict, like an obese dieter...I have to wean myself away from his charms. I have to stop buying into false promises or the ever-enticing mirage of his love and affection. It just isn't there. That's because he never existed more than in the capacity of a fling, a hook-up, a getaway. I'd sink like a stone if I tried to land him.

(sigh sigh sigh)

Valentine's Day is this weekend. I got Dan hockey tickets to see his favorite team play the Anaheim Ducks. Maybe I'm a sucker, but I can't wait to see the smile on his face.

I'm striving to make our time pleasant. We deserve it.

Reality Bites.....and tears a chunk off...

Though the emotion in the last song is expressed nicely, it is not worthy for Edgar...he's not deserving of anymore attention I give him...it's just not worth my time or effort, no matter how much my stupid heart (or vagina?) think so...I always knew that and it kills me that I sometimes trick myself into believing he and I could be more...I'm just going to focus on keeping my domestic life and romantic relationship with Dan copacetic..we are planning on a trip to Boston in late July, after all...everything's been peachy with us so far, I think I like it that way...

I am keeping my Facebook snooping/stalking in check...I'm much better now...that didn't stop me from noticing that Edgar had gone on a road trip to Vegas with his buddies...I think the following song is more appropriate (somewhat) than the last:


Britney Spears (sorry...I know) "Why Should I Be Sad?"

They couldn't believe I did it
But I was so committed
My life was so restricted for you
I just dove inside it blind
Couldn't see what swam inside
Thought that'd be romantic for you

Exchanged my vows
And said it all
Woman, let's prepare to fall
Even, screaming did it for you
(Remember?)

My friends said you would play me
But I just said they're crazy
While I was crying, praying
Was it true?

Why should I be sad?
Heaven knows
From the stupid freaking things that you do
(Stupid freaking things)
Why should I get mad? Feel sad?
Who knows?
Just take it all
As a sign that we're through
Goodbye

It's time for me to move along
(Goodbye)
It's time for me to get it on
(OK)
I'm tired of singing sad songs
(All right)
It's time for me
(Britney, let's go)

I sent you to Vegas
With a pocket full of paper
And with no ultimatums on you
I thought what could separate us
But it just seemed that Vegas
Only brought the player outta you
(Hey baby, what's your name?)

Lavish homes and fancy cars
Even got the drop Ferrari
Filled up our garage for you
Made your choice with all the teams
People and US Magazines
Tell me who'd I do that for, who?

Why should I be sad?
Heaven knows
From the stupid freaking things that you do
(Stupid freaking things)
Why should I get mad? Feel sad?
Who knows?
Just take it all
As a sign that we're through
Goodbye

It's time for me to move along
(Goodbye)
It's time for me to get it on
(OK)
I'm tired of singing sad songs
(All right)
It's time for me
(Britney, let's go)

It's time for me to move along
(Goodbye)
It's time for me to get it on
(OK)
I'm tired of singing sad songs
(All right)
It's time for me
(Britney, let's go)

And don't you worry
About our angels
(All the magazines trying to intervene
Seeing things in the gossip section)
There'll get good guidance
And be trained well
Don't worry I'll keep a little secret
When I ask this question

Why should I be sad?
Heaven knows
From the stupid freaking things that you do
(Stupid freaking things)
Why should I get mad? Feel sad?
Who knows?
Just take it all
As a sign that we're through
Goodbye

It's time for me to move along
(Goodbye)
It's time for me to get it on
(OK)
I'm tired of singing sad songs
(All right)
It's time for me
(Britney, let's go)

It's time for me to move along
(Goodbye)
It's time for me to get it on
(OK)
I'm tired of singing sad songs
(All right)
It's time for me
(Britney, let's go)

Yeah
Baby, come on

Soundtrack For a Film That Will Never Be Made...

I am currently obsessed over this song...I wish I could say this to Edgar...I wish I could sing it to him and see how I feel...but I won't, never ever..he just doesn't deserve it...

Alicia Keys "Unthinkable (I'm Ready)"

Moment of honesty
Someones gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you while it comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
It's become something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby?
If we do the unthinkable, will it make us look crazy?
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

I know you said to me:
"This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we gonna do something about it
We should do it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
It's become something that's impossible to ignore
It's what we make it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable, will it make us look crazy?
Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I'm sayin':
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

Why give up before we try?
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can't say I can't compare
I'm suspended it the air
Won't you come be in the sky with me

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable, will it make us look crazy?
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin':
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready