I couldn't possibly express how much I care so turn your back on me...

Usually when I go several weeks without an update it’s because I’ve either got nothing going or I’m caught up in a whirlwind of fun times with a new suitor. Unfortunately, this time around it looks like it’s more of the former and less of the latter.

I’m still going on my weird non-romantic/friend dates with Mike. The last two times he seemed a bit distant and bothered by something. He decided a week ago to spill the beans and told me he was newly rejected by that girl he was in love with. Now it seems like she doesn’t even want to be friends, which crushed him. He explained that he didn’t want to hurt me the same way she hurt him by leading me on or using me to fill the void in his life. I told him not to worry, that I was a tough girl and had accepted that we wouldn’t go any further with our arrangement. I confessed that I stilled liked him and that our situation was very different than his with the mystery girl, mainly because I had let it be known that I liked him in that “more than friends” way. He was blunt and said he didn’t know if he liked me in “that way” and had no idea when he would ever know. (sigh) It sounds exhausting just recounting it. Whatever, all I know is that Mike and I are not stalled. We are just friends who go out for dinner every week. I am not going to try anything romantic or expect anything. He’s basically become a eunuch unless he starts to feel different. At least I know this kid will TELL me. He’s great about that….even when it’s not so awesome news. (sigh…again)

I went out a couple of times with Dan last weekend. He borrowed his parents’ car for once and we drove out to Studio City of his weekly guitar lesson. I also got him a present for his 27th birthday: a copy of The Meowmorphosis from Quirk Classics and a DVD of Jim Jefferies’s stand-up “Swear to God” which I got Jim to sign when I saw him perform a few weeks ago. Yeah, super thoughtful gifts from an ex-girlfriend, I know. But I can’t help myself! Most people wouldn’t buy the ex a gift, but he and I have become such buddies in recent light of things; I figured it wouldn’t be too much.

We snuck back to my house and had a quick bone while my mom was out with her friends. So my new place has been christened. Hahah….

What followed wasn’t so pleasant. I found out Dan had been on a couple of dates with some girl named Brooke from his work. Apparently his relationship with this girl didn’t last too long because she’s a strict Mormon and didn’t want to set a bad example for her younger sisters by dating a non-Mormon. Also, she’s going on her Mormon quest/mission thing and will be gone for like a year to a year and a half, so pursuing a serious relationship is not in the cards. Dan has also started exploring the possibility of joining the Mormon Church and had gone to a service the previous weekend. My reaction to all this news was weird. I began to cry, which I hate so much because it only seems like Dan can make me cry nowadays. I had a serious talk with him after dinner, mainly to explain why this was all so upsetting. Bottom line: I felt like him looking for religion after all the years of knowing and seeing how non-religious he was, just felt wrong….like Dan wouldn’t even be the same person. How could he start behaving different? He drinks alcohol, smoke cigarettes sporadically, does drugs, listens to secular (even anti-religious) music and engages in frequent, non-committed sexual acts with me. And now, he wants to join a religion that is the anti-thesis of all that? And he expects me to think it’s NOT because of some girl he likes or because of all the Mormons at his work? Ughhh I don’t know. I hate that he’s changing. I feel like our relationship, as skewed as it is, will never be the same. I see the expiration date looming. I was dumb enough in my sadness to admit to Dan that I felt if he did go through with his conversion, there’d be no hope of us getting back together. He didn’t agree or shoot down that idea; it just hung in the air like a pathetic example of how NOT OVER him I really am. Ughhh….I really have to stop hanging on to him. He’s obviously way past me.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to us come October. We’ve got that romantic getaway trip planned for Vegas. That might be my only saving grace to get one last fuck in. Knowing Dan, this whole religion thing might be another goal he just completely gives up on in a few weeks.

Mike and I were supposed to have dinner two nights ago in Hollywood but he ended up having to stay late at work and we rescheduled for next week. I was already at the restaurant so I just decided to walk in and have dinner by myself (might as well start getting used to it, right?). The waiter there was cute and he chatted me up the entire night. I was hoping we might exchange numbers when I got ready to walk out, but he didn’t even try to make a move. I’m tired of always having to lunge forward and be ballsy. That might be my new dating resolution: stop being the predator and just be the prey for once. Maybe this way, a nice guy will finally approach me instead of me losing my head over some ding-dong who has no backbone.

And with the way you've been talking every word gets you a step closer to hell...

I think I'm a chronic flirt. Or else I'm just begging for the blow job dragon to come out of his cave....this exchange followed a night of Cinco de Mayo revelry.

Me: Happy Cinco de Mayo!!! I bet you're studying in some library somewhere. I'm drinking.
Edgar: Hahah
Me: Try not to think about how much you hate me
Edgar: Hahah. Too late.
Me: Hahah...I know. I accept your scorn. Did I guess right? Are u studying in some stuffy library?
Edgar: Right about the library. Not so stuffy. Finals next week.
Me: Alrighty...well, give 'em hell. I'll be studying some tequila myself. Once finals are over, come find me. You deserve a reward!!! Good luck!
Edgar: :)

Smiley faces from boys always make me giddy. We'll see how long it takes before Mr.Law School drops his pants in front of me again.

Still steadily going out with Mike as "friends." I love his enthusiasm and his promise to always keep plans with me. Even when things go haywire and he has to cancel, he always makes it up to me. We had dinner last night in Downtown and though the visit was brief, I did enjoy seeing him.

My friend Sandy says Mike is the healthiest relationship I have right now. She says I seem more calmer and peaceful around him. I think it's because we lack all the drama of a traditional relationship. Everything is just out in the open and there's no sex to complicate the whole thing. I just wish Mike would've changed his mind about romantically dating me. I've said goodnight to him at least a couple of times since "the talk" and every time, I still wish I could kiss him. Hmmmm...in due time, I suppose.

On a related note, I think I've found the type of man I'd like to marry. My friend Mayra's brother Frank. He's educated, handsome, funny, a huge hockey fan and successful...too bad he's married with two kids. Oh well! I wonder where women find these "perfect" guys....there must be a magical watering hole they all frequent. I bet it's at the end of the rainbow along with the pot of gold and the unicorns.


FYI...he's smiling and talking to me in this picture but I looked like shit, so I cropped myself out.


The good ones ARE all taken...

But I won't just sit there and wallow in what I can't have. Last night I went out with a bunch of co-workers and ended up getting pretty hammered. My co-worker Joel brought along his friend Dustin and I spent the better half of the night hitting on him. We wound up at a strip club called Jumbo's Clown Room (the girls don't get naked) and had fun drinking the night away. I know Depeche Mode's "Question of Lust" came on and by then poor Dustin was in over his head. I faintly remember grinding my ass into his lap. He later approached me and my friend Sandy for a threesome but we shot him down so quick, I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. I managed to swap phone numbers with him...I said I'd give him a call sometime. I teased him and said he wouldn't answer, but he insisted he would. Where have I heard that a million times before?!?

Onward and upward.