It's not just my pride..it's just 'til these tears have dried

My coffee date with Ray went...well...I guess.

No, no...no it did not.

I wouldn't say it was a complete crash and burn...but it did feel very strange and awkward.

So it's a beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon and I arrive at the Starbucks with a cute outfit and a bright smile on my face. Ray is already at the coffee shop and he's lounging on one of the chairs in the outside patio area, armed with a notebook and a water bottle. We exchange hellos and he gives me a big hug: wow, he's now several inches taller than I last saw him. He's also wearing a short-sleeve black polo shirt that does a fine job of showing off his muscular arms. I instantly feel overweight and gross. We chat briefly and then grab drinks inside. He has an iced coffee and I grab a lemonade iced tea. He goes to pay for me, but I intercept with my 20 dollar bill. I tell him he can grab the next one, implying there will be a second one of these "dates" as he sheepishly accepts...his manhood probably now in peril.

Back outside on the sun-drenched patio we make more awkward small talk. He tells me about his work (he's a credit officer at a Wells Fargo bank in Diamond Bar) and how he likes to travel. I quickly start to notice that when I'm talking, he eyes me nervously and fidgets in his chair. He looks profoundly anxious, like he's not at all comfortable in the situation I've put him into. Or maybe it's because as I'm talking to him, I'm still wearing my over-sized aviator sunglasses? It must be hard for him to make eye contact with me. Yet, because I know I'll be squinting like a dumb-ass for the rest of the conversation, I decide to keep them on. Ughhh...

There's never a point in the conversation where I feel he digs me; there's absolutely no click. And though we didn't hit any awkward pauses, I really feel like he's itching to get out of my sight. We've only been at the Starbucks for about an hour and a half before I rescind my control over him and he tells me thank you for the coffee. I walk him to his car and we make a half-hearted plan to get together next time closer to his home in Hacienda Heights. We embrace and that's it.

I haven't heard from him since. No texts, no calls, nada.

(siiiigh)....I don't want to blame myself for this whole fiasco...but I shouldn't have asked out a guy who just got out of a relationship. He did confirm he was single, but made no mention that he was ready to "give it another shot." But then again, who would say that? Probably someone like me.

Ray is a nice fellow: he's calm, extremely soft-spoken and very well-mannered. He appears to have a good head on his shoulders and loves his family a lot. He seems like an ideal match for me....but I just don't think he's that into me. We only share a few like interests and ideals...but not enough to warrant a second date. It's true we only talked for a little bit but I just did not feel a spark. How sad.

I won't chalk this up to rejection...at least I tried. Ughhh...when does it get better? When can I get a happy ending?

***

Meanwhile, I am not helping the cause by palling around with Dan. We're supposed to spend all day together at the Vans Warped Tour tomorrow. He asked if I wanted to get high with him before we went....but I declined.

I doubt Dan's going to make his Australian dreams come true. He got into a big argument over it with his parents and has not filed for a work visa. His adventures into Mormonism also don't seem to be coming to fruition as he just informed me he's looking into new and exciting pot brownie recipes for the Sublime concert next week.

He and I spent all that time last year being so spiteful to each other before the break up....is that all we needed to be harmonious? To just stop living together and be apart? Why do we stay attached at the hip? Why can't we just stop fooling ourselves and be a couple? I feel like all these personal interests we have, these goals we try to keep are acting as roadblocks. How can we be together like this....but then not?

Are we ever going to get over each other????