Here we are - You want this? - Then come on...

I'm back from my New Year's Eve trip to Las Vegas. I'm a few dollars poorer but no worse for wear.

As I drove through the California/Nevada desert, I found myself staring out the window as The Deftones blasted in my headphones. The desert is so beautiful. I watched it go from bright blue skies over miles of sandy, dry land dotted with withered cactus. Then it was near sunset, where everything reflected the dying embers of the sun. The sky became purple almost. Finally, night fall and you couldn't see anything but the pitch black expanse of the desert land. All you could make out were the stars and the immense mountain tops. It's unreal. Nothing like it. It made for a very reflective time.

Ryan texted me at 5:13 pm. My stomach did a little flip and I smiled in the dark as I checked my phone.

Ryan: Have fun in Las Vergas!!

I laughed. In Spanish, "vergas" means "penis." Ryan doesn't speak a lot of Spanish, but naturally he's well-versed in all the cuss words. I kinda relished the fact that he's checking my Facebook or remembered where I told him I'd be for New Year's. I wait a few minutes before texting back, always conscience of the fact that I don't want to seem too eager or desperate.

Me: I will! I can already feel the hangover. Have fun in Lake Perris. Make sure to see more of me in 2012, handsome. Okay?

Immediately, I regret sending that. But oh well, at least I was direct. I'm sick of playing games. I'm sick of waiting around. I want him.

Ryan: Ok!

My insides feel giddy. I grin in the dark, my cellphone acting as my flashlight in the inky blackness of this bus....in this huge desert.

Vegas is Vegas. Too much booze. Us girls, running around like giggly teenagers. Around 2:30 am, the liquor is too much. I have to text Ryan. I miss him...or something. My friends know better than to let me start texting when I've had too many drinks. But I promise not to embarrass myself and let them proofread before I hit send.

Me: Blasted...you shoulda come with us...the last guy that did got a lap dance. You would've gotten three!! HAHA!

(I was referring to Dan. We spent $20 on that lap dance and he didn't even get a boner)

Ryan: Hehe. I will whirlwind all of y'all one day.
Me: The girls say you couldn't handle it...hahaha!
Ryan: They don't know! Hehehe.

He was answering me pretty fast, so I'm sure he was wide awake at some party....probably drunk himself.

The next night is New Year's Eve. We had dinner, get some drinks, wander the Vegas Strip amongst the crowds and then settle in for the countdown.

We run into a pair of boys from St.Louis, Missouri. They're 21 year old cops. The hot one claims his name is "Arab Money." It's not....he's Nizar, and boy is he a heart breaker. Perfect face, nice ass, great body. His friend is named James, and though he's got an average face, he makes up for it by being tall, muscular and tattooed all across his chest. Me and the girls wind up in their room at the Luxor. It was about the most surreal experience ever.

I don't want to get into details, because they're not very sexy. All I care to say is that I made it my mission to let my pals hook up with the hot one. I take the "other one" James. We make out, he shows me his six-pack abs and off come the underwear. His whiskey dick is so severe (I'm talking, a whole bottle of Smirnoff severe) that I end up blowing him for over an hour. He gets so close to coming, but to no avail. We finally just have to lock ourselves in the bathroom so he can fuck me. That does the trick and in 5 minutes, he's blown his load. I pray that he doesn't come inside me, but the semen running down my inner thigh and leg are not at all comforting. Is he holding some in his hand?! I can't tell because the idiot has already jumped in the shower to wash up. I stand there, naked....stupefied. OH GOD. All because the kid couldn't fuck with a condom on. He kept going soft. SWEET JESUS....well, now I've done it.

We awkwardly all get back to our own hotel room. I pee immediately and shower. Lord help me, I don't want to ruin my life. But I'm a 28 year old woman with a bitchin' car who just got a raise. It could be worse.

When I get home, no one is waiting for me. No Ryan. No Alfonso. Dan is long gone. I have nothing. I've never been depressed but suddenly I wish I could express the immense sadness I feel building inside of me. All I do is distract myself with the boy du jour or whatever random hookup slinks my way. I'm better than this. I deserve more. I feel like more.

2012, please be the year I finally get that piece of the puzzle. I want somebody to love. I want that same somebody to love me back. I don't need a boy to crush on. I want a man to be with me. To always be with me. To love me.