And we started drowning, not like we'd sink any further

Another month, another moral impasse.

I feel like I'm swimming in circles inside my own head. I feel there's no way to get out of this dingy, dark hole I've buried myself in. I'd give anything for a little progress or a light at the end of the tunnel.

The weird situation that has taken shape between Rob and myself is not really going anywhere. He bugged me while I was partying in Vegas. My annoyance was clear even through the fog of alcohol at 3 in the morning. He apologized while I was recovering back home after my trip and promised we'd hang out in person soon. I called bullshit from the very beginning. It became quite clear he had no intention of seeing me and just wanted me to send him topless pictures.

I ignored his requests for titillating photographs for a few days then finally gave up last week. I've noticed a pattern: if a guy is persistent enough, eventually he will wear me down and I will give in to whatever gross thing he wants. Not quite sure if that is a comment on my self-restraint or a testament to my laziness. Probably both. I've just gotten to the point where I don't even care. What might seem like a big deal to other girls, I just can't be bothered with. "Okay Rob wants a picture of my boobs? I think I've kept up this charade long enough. This means nothing to me."

And so it came to be that last Wednesday night, I sent Rob a topless photo via cell phone. Instead of being flirty or sensuous, I sent it as more of a dare, like I'm taunting an enemy on the battle field. Okay, so I've given up on my morals and dignity, they mean nothing to me....YOUR MOVE FUCKER. What are you gonna do? Cream in your pants? Give up on your girlfriend? Are you man enough to grab me and fuck me? Have you given up completely?

He promised up and down we'd hang out the following night at 9 pm:

Rob: ....we'll take a drive or something....listen to music...

...but as usual, Thursday morning comes and he has a new set of excuses why he can't see me. I throw my hands up. I feel disgusted. He doesn't even have the balls to tell me the truth....he's not brave enough to end his relationship. It's sad to know I was in that same lousy position two years ago. It is harder than you think. But really, all this clandestine sexting (which yes, is more like dirty talk via text) is the beginning of the end....I wish him luck.

We were supposed to talk on the phone for the first time in years, but I had turned off my cell on purpose. I couldn't sleep and didn't feel like waiting up for him....I tried texting him again on Friday but he never responded. I guess I should welcome the silence.