Through all the things my eyes have seen, the best by far is you…

The updates have been sparse these last few months because life is happening and I can hardly keep up with all the fun and exciting experiences that keep coming my way. One day life will be really difficult and I’ll wonder, “When were the good times?”

Well, these are it. And I’m enjoying them as much as I can.

The new place in Eagle Rock is fantastic! I love, love, LOVE our new apartment. The weather is getting cold finally and we’re not freezing our butts off like we did in Highland Park. No more seeing our breath in the kitchen! Every Saturday, I take pride in cleaning the apartment. I’m vacuuming the carpets with a smile on my face and scrubbing the toilet with enthusiasm. I love the view from our windows and catch myself staring out into sky or gazing over the green and yellow tree tops. Autumn looks good on Eagle Rock and even on rainy days, it’s beautiful. We’re hosting our first party next Sunday and all of Jose’s family is coming over to celebrate his nephew Sean’s 2^nd birthday. Some of our friends are coming over later in the month to watch Tom Hanks movies and I should be celebrating my birthday/housewarming at the end of December. I can’t wait to show off the new (not so new) place!

I’m also starting to understand Jose’s mental illness a little better. The other day he was set to see his doctor for his usual 3 month check-up and he was wondering whether he should talk to her about changing the dosage on his medication. For a while, he felt the meds were making him more tired and keeping him kind of in a sleepy state. I remember when we first started dating he would always be napping. He decided to start cutting the dosage in half and taking his half-pill at the end of each day because it helped him sleep. Recently, he felt the voices he hears in his head were talking more loudly and it was getting hard to ignore them. We were driving to his mom’s house to pick up his brother to go car shopping when Jose started telling me the new development in the voices. He said the negative voices take on the voices of people he knows, for example his boss, his parents or even me. He then asks me in all honesty “You’re not reading my thoughts, right? You’re not talking to me in my head, are you?” I say no and at that moment I understand what he was trying to explain to me back in March of this year:

"Sometimes I have conversations with you in my head...and they're always negative."

I didn’t quite understand what he meant when he said that months ago, but now it hit me. It’s not him that feels that way, it’s not me being mean…it’s the illness and it warps reality in such a way, that it’s almost hard not to take it personally.

Jose is relieved knowing that he’s right, that it’s just the voices and he resolves to talk to his doctor about it. It might be time to change the dosage on his meds. Things return to normal and I felt grateful that he decides to share so much about what he’s going through instead of bottling it all up in fear. He even asks his doctor if it would be possible to get a note saying he would like to get a cat for therapy reasons. Our apartment is not pet friendly but this might help us get a tiny, kitten-sized exception. We shall see.

I now understand why he’s so adamant about having background noise on. You’ll never see him without his headphones on while he’s studying or listening to a Pandora station while he works on a project in the kitchen. He likes the distraction because he’s not always keen on sitting in silence, alone with his thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts can get pretty loud. I’ll be sitting on the couch, thumbing through my phone in perfect silence and he’ll ask why I’m not watching TV or have music on. I smile and say I don’t mind the quiet. Jose will look at me like I’m nuts. I guess I understand better now.

Other life improvements include our 6 month transformation: Jose and I have both a lost a lot of weight since the beginning of the summer!! We started dieting, changing our eating habits for the better and exercising about 5 times a week! Jose has lost about 40 lbs. and I have lost 17 lbs! We both feel fantastic and our clothes are hanging off of us. Jose is looking very lean these days and I’m slowing making my tummy disappear. I’m loving this slimmer waist line! I dusted off my belt and starting using it proudly on the 4^th notch instead of squeezing into the 2^nd.  I reached my goal weight and got myself some cute black yoga pants. My butt looks amazing! The weight loss has done wonders for our sex life, too: MORE ENERGY!

And of course, our anniversary is today! Happy 3 years to us!!! :) We’re having dinner and exchanging presents tonight. We always tell each other what we want for our anniversary, so there’s no fun surprise but at least we both get exactly what we want. I got Jose a new Deftones shirt and a black cardigan sweater in his new size of large. He got me flowers (white orchid, my favorite!) and an iTunes gift card. But what I think is the best present is the promise he made me over dinner last night. We were talking about our future plans and he was laying out what classes he’d be taking in the next 3 years. He saw my face fall and he asked what was wrong. I had to speak up: he had all his academic goals in mind but what about ours? Would we have to wait until he gets his degree to get married? The day we finally get hitched seems like it’s getting further and further away from us. He tells me he can see us getting married in the foreseeable future, before he finishes his degree. I ask, “What does ‘foreseeable future mean?’” Five years? Three years? Two years? He says one year. A year from this anniversary, he’ll ask me to marry him and then we can set a date. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! It’s happening! It’s really happening!

Life is happening! Life is happening with the man that I love!! The good times are here!!

I want to thank you today & forever: let's make a little happy mess together

We're moving again!!!!!!

....and the best news? It's Jose's sister's old apartment: the one we had originally wanted back in April of last year but were passed over. Read about it here  :)

Jose's sister Elizabeth moved into a bigger house and when her apartment became free, guess who she called up? We turned in an application and made a good impression on the landlord. Our giant deposit & first month's rent was handed over on Friday. Unfortunately, the carpet was still being washed, so we have to wait a few more days to move in. Hopefully there are no more delays and we can sign the agreement and get the keys finally before the weekend. I am beyond excited!! This new place is in a better neighborhood than our current little house, we have more space and a large walk-in closet. Our new place is near a college, so there's tons of little cute restaurants and shops. It has a very hipster vibe to it and the sidewalks are clean. We're on the second floor of the building and face south, so we get a lot of fresh air and sunshine. I'm dreading all the packing but looking forward to the big move and all the unpacking. We can finally have people over and not be embarrassed by the lack of space. It's still a studio apartment, but everything is bigger! No more stand-up shower! A big old tub and a window in every room, including the closet. Love that new paint smell!

Our bedroom area with the big south-facing windows

Our living room area with a peek of our walk-in closet

The closet comes with a vanity, stool and built-in cabinets

Our bathroom

The kitchen

Our kitchen windows that face west. We have a view of the next apartment building

Apologizing now if I disappear for a little while, I have tons of packing to do and redecorating. Jose is being extra patient with me as I ask him endless questions about what colors we should use in the bathroom, if he thinks we should buy a new trash can and what shower curtain looks cute. Sorry, but right now, this is my dream apartment and I want it to look just right. Looking forward to our first night in the new place and all the adventures waiting for us in good ol' Eagle Rock :D

"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother"

Jose's sister Diana wrote a little essay to win a radio contest. The subject matter needed to reflect on a friend or family member that deserves to meet their idol. I don't think she won but it was a cute little write-up nonetheless and I wanted to share it here...

I feel like words will never express how great this guy really is and how much he means to me but here goes nothing! Jose is, without a doubt, one of my most favorite human beings on this planet. I have been blessed to have had the privilege of growing up with him and spending around 210, 379 hours by his side. I feel lucky just to know him. The joy he brings is something beyond my comprehension. I'm not trying to make him out to be a god or something like that (Although he wouldn't mind that haha) . He is just so great. I'm thankful for his support & constant encouragement. He motivates me to do better each day. He inspires me to do better. Everyone loves him, he's hard-working, and all around AWESOME dude.

If I could give him the world I would. He helped raise all of us, we are six in total and he's the oldest. The man of the house. One of the men in my life ( I have two other brothers). I'm so thankful he hung around for so long, he is a big blessing to our family, the biggest! He always keeps me humble and tells me to be thankful for whatever we have, our health, our friends, our family, this life. We live in Burbank now, but we previously lived in Highland Park, and even though he's moved back to Highland Park to this tiny, cute & humble backhouse, he still takes care of all of us. He's always calling me to make sure everything is good...that I'm taking care of the car so it will take good care of me. The car, a honda civic, used to be his baby! lol He'd always say "who's sick whip is this?!" as we approached the old, rusty vehichle...[..], don't let him I called it old or rusty! haha

Jose Saucedo is a genuine guy, loves wholeheartedly...you know that "person" we always talk about to others? The kind of person you want to meet, or be, that's great to have around, in your corner, super friendly, nonjudgmental, makes you laugh, and who will always have your back? That is this guy!!! I know he would do anything for the ones he loves. He would help people with their cars if they needed it. I know he's always helping a friend. My friends would even tell me in appreciation that he helped them out with their car. He's caring, respectful, honest, humble, and funny as hell! That's one of my favorite things about him...and probably the first thing his friends would say too. That he is a cool guy and makes them laugh. He always makes me laugh. Just don't put him on the spot! Lol

Also good to know, he works at Pepboys in Burbank, absolutely LOVES Chino Moreno, the Deftones, he loves them! He loves cars & working on them. He's gone back to school to get a better education, to get a better job, to better himself, and they want to get married, Jose & [his girlfriend]. He just moved out about 9 months ago with his girlfriend, [...] (who is just as great, I love her!) . I love them both! But yeah, what more can I say, I love the guy, SO MUCH! Please, with all my heart, I AM TELLING YOU, choose him. He is SO GREAT. He deserves it.

Mr. No More Glasses

(that Contact Lenses life)

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby...

Lots to report and all good news!

Jose passed all his classes with straight As! He's on his way to making the dean's list and hopefully take another round of challenging courses next fall. For now, we're enjoying the summer and the little vacation time he gets.

One of the drivers at his work was fired for reckless driving which culminated with a traffic accident right around Memorial Day weekend. The hunt is on for his replacement, who Jose then has to train and make sure is solid on everything. Unfortunately, that means our San Francisco weekend getaway is postponed indefinitely. That also means Jose can't come with me to my friend's baby shower in San Diego. I know this was supposed to be a *good* news post but we're trying to stay positive that they'll have a new hire soon. We're trying not to be too bummed when a monkey wrench is thrown in our plans.

We tried to make the best of our itty bitty non-existent vacation time by driving up the coast to Arroyo Burro Beach in Santa Barbara. We parked our car after the short 2 hour drive and found a beautiful spot in front of the ocean. We literally did nothing but watch the tide come in and make fun of the other beach goers. The water was too cold to swim but we had  a great time people-watching and taking pictures. Sitting in front of the beach, snuggling with my guy, was better than any TV show I could imagine.We waited for sunset and just marveled at how beautiful California really is. We then drove to our friend Meghan's house in Ventura and had a couple of drinks at her birthday party before calling it quits around midnight. I want more trips like these!

Work is good for me. New projects, new responsibilities. I got Jose's sister Diana hired at my company and she is doing well as our front desk receptionist. Everyone loves her and I got a $100 bonus for recommending her. Jose and I spent it on a nice dinner and groceries hahahha....

Speaking of fancy dinners, Jose just turned 30 yesterday and we had a nice birthday dinner in Pasadena. We both had steak and the chocolate souffle was deeeeeeeeeeelicious.

We ventured into adulthood and got a real king-sized bed a couple of weeks ago. My credit is working wonders and I got a nice bed for a good price. My mom offered to pay $500 from the total since she wanted to do something nice for us. Now to find some grown-up sheets and a comforter. I know a certain someone who got a Nordstrom's giftcard for his birthday who would be willing to cover the cost of some nice sheets with a high thread count :D

Our favorite band was in town a few weeks ago and we had the best time riding the rail in the front row. Deftones is what brought us together and their music makes up part of our day to day soundtrack. It's going to be a nice life rocking out to these tunes with this amazing guy by my side...

You're the light, you're the night, you're the color of my blood...

Exciting times ahead!!

After a very long and thoughtful discussion, Jose and I have loosely planned out the next few years in our relationship...

We agreed that we want to buy a house first before we get married and we will be putting away about $400 a month for at least a year, on top of the money Jose has already saved. We want to stay in the city, so obviously our future home will be small and not cheap, but it will be ours...and we get to stay in our beloved Los Angeles. It's important we live close to our respective families and our jobs. We are okay not having grass or a front lawn, given that California is in a terrible drought and it's a lot easier to maintain a rock garden than a giant grass patch. We've driven around Highland Park and glanced at a few houses for sale, but the real hunt will start next summer once we finish our lease on our current place.

Jose wants to finish his AA and find a better paying job before getting married. It might be a couple more years before we get hitched. We both agreed we don't want a big wedding and I also don't want an expensive ring. Jose told me he'd rather get me a house than a ring :) If getting married in 2+ years means a city hall ceremony and dinner at a nice restaurant with friends & family, then so be it. I'm not interested in a lavish wedding with $20 a plate dinner for each guest. I also don't want to hassle my friends with renting tuxes or buying dresses. I think eloping would be perfect but we'd never heard the end of it from our families...

Definitely no babies before the wedding ring, the better job or the new house. The clock continues to tick and if at 35 the conditions to become parents doesn't look favorable, we might want to reevaluate our plan. Adoption isn't out of the question or just being pet parents, but I do want at least one little Saucedo. We agreed no more than 2. The way things are looking, it'll be a struggle just to get to the one. Parenthood isn't one of those kind of things you can put on the back burner forever....I sincerely hope I don't miss my window...only time will tell.

We've felt a lot more at ease now that we had this big talk. It really has shed some light on where we both things were going. It feels great to hear Jose tell me he wants his life to be with me. I couldn't stop smiling. I told him I feel the same way and I'm ready to go on this ride with him.

On a related note: Jose got interviewed by a psychologist who I believe is doing a bit of research. She wanted to discuss Jose's illness and how he's handling his life. She had spoken to him years ago when his diagnosis was more recent and he was still coping with all that was going on. The interview happened in our kitchen and our house is so tiny, I could hear their conversation through the wall in our bedroom. I tried to not eavesdrop, but curiosity got the best of me. I caught a few words here and there but was happy to hear that Jose is continually working on his mental illness, has found a great balance with his medication and is appreciative of his support system. More than once he mentioned me and how he values our relationship. He talked about our future plans and how he wants to keep doing well. I felt happy and proud of him. When I had last evaluated myself in regards to his illness, I felt weird in a negative way. Now hearing him say that I was one of the most positive relationships in his life, I was encouraged to continue all the good progress we had made. You don't know how much you mean to someone until you hear them say it someone else.

I never doubted us for a second but it's good to know we're on our way....

If you ever need someone to cry to/if you ever need someone to hold you

"Sometimes I have conversations with you in my head...and they're always negative."

Jose said that to me on Saturday night after we had an argument and were trying to get things back to normal. On the extremely rare occasion we fight, I'm always left with a resonating feeling that takes several days to get over. Words sting and they hurt more than we realize.

What we fought about was pretty trivial and I think we had just gotten a little frustrated with each other after a long day. The silent treatment set in. Dinnertime came and we said very little to each other. Then we really got into it once we arrived home and suddenly we were having a fight. We were going in circles about nothing and when he raised his voice, I backed off and gave up. He instantly felt bad and gave me a hug. Time out. Fight over. We both apologized to one another and settled down. As he held me in his arms, he sighed and said that sometimes he has conversations with me in his head....but they're always negative. I felt my heart twinge. Not really what I wanted to hear.

"Why? Can you try and make them be positive? Like how we really are?" I whisper and he says he tries but he can't. I didn't want to keep digging at him because I knew it was related to his illness and he's not always in control of that. I forget he still has mental issues to deal with.

He's told me before that he feels the disease creeping in at work and at school. He'll become paranoid that co-workers are sabotaging his car because he found an unexplained crack in the windshield (which his work offered to fix, free of charge) or that his classmates talk about him when it's group project time. He'll ask me if that's rational and I'll always say to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. No need to worry yourself into a tailspin. He's good about realizing that he's worrying about nothing and never fails to take his medication....but then he says things like that....my voice sounds negative in his head....and I just wish it wouldn't be that way.

The next morning we had a fantastic Sunday. We had delicious breakfast burritos and then spent the afternoon shopping for a new purse because Jose wanted to get me something more for Valentines. I told him his traditional acoustic serenade was more than enough...it's what I asked for and I couldn't be happier. Though I do like my new purse :) I think I like "Wonderwall" more :) :) :)



I know better than to let remnants of his mental illness bother me. My own BFF had a lapse on Sunday night and she said (in anger) that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I tried to be strong and not let it get to me. I knew it was her disease getting the better of her. So I just let it go and she apologized with a phone call a few minutes later. She and Jose share similar stories: they are fighting through their own battle with mental disease. I know my BFF has a long journey ahead of her and I will stand by her, no matter what. I know she will get to the other side, where Jose is now: where the symptoms are under control and there are no more "episodes." But it always hurts more when it's someone that close to you, they say something and it just echoes in your head...

(sigh)

But you love that person so much, so you know you'll never give up on them. And you might hit a rough patch in your friendship or relationship, but your bond is strong enough to withstand it.

I got you, Lo. I know you might be reading this.
Jose knows, too. We got this.

Even though I love ya madly, it seems I love you more...

Holiday blues have not set in, thank goodness! The first week of the New Year is over and I am happy to report that 2015 is looking fabulous.

My Christmas vacation was wonderful and I also had a happy 31st birthday, thanks in huge part to my friends, family and that handsome devil known as my boyfriend. My heart was overflowing by the end of December.

Birthday Girl & her babe

Ho ho ho!! My cousin Gus as Santa!

New Year's Eve right before our midnight kiss...

Some of my friends have asked if 2015  will be the year we get engaged (or have a baby)? Who knows?!? I'm not expecting anything, just enjoying the present and the now. Our little house is feeling more and more like a little home, so my main preoccupation these days is sprucing up our walls and making sure our towels and linens match. I don't ever want to get TOO ahead of myself and wonder why Jose hasn't proposed. When the time is right and he's ready to get married, he'll ask. The best part is I already am ready to say yes and feel extremely confident in my answer. Excited for whatever happens with this amazing guy!! :D