If you ever need someone to cry to/if you ever need someone to hold you

"Sometimes I have conversations with you in my head...and they're always negative."

Jose said that to me on Saturday night after we had an argument and were trying to get things back to normal. On the extremely rare occasion we fight, I'm always left with a resonating feeling that takes several days to get over. Words sting and they hurt more than we realize.

What we fought about was pretty trivial and I think we had just gotten a little frustrated with each other after a long day. The silent treatment set in. Dinnertime came and we said very little to each other. Then we really got into it once we arrived home and suddenly we were having a fight. We were going in circles about nothing and when he raised his voice, I backed off and gave up. He instantly felt bad and gave me a hug. Time out. Fight over. We both apologized to one another and settled down. As he held me in his arms, he sighed and said that sometimes he has conversations with me in his head....but they're always negative. I felt my heart twinge. Not really what I wanted to hear.

"Why? Can you try and make them be positive? Like how we really are?" I whisper and he says he tries but he can't. I didn't want to keep digging at him because I knew it was related to his illness and he's not always in control of that. I forget he still has mental issues to deal with.

He's told me before that he feels the disease creeping in at work and at school. He'll become paranoid that co-workers are sabotaging his car because he found an unexplained crack in the windshield (which his work offered to fix, free of charge) or that his classmates talk about him when it's group project time. He'll ask me if that's rational and I'll always say to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. No need to worry yourself into a tailspin. He's good about realizing that he's worrying about nothing and never fails to take his medication....but then he says things like that....my voice sounds negative in his head....and I just wish it wouldn't be that way.

The next morning we had a fantastic Sunday. We had delicious breakfast burritos and then spent the afternoon shopping for a new purse because Jose wanted to get me something more for Valentines. I told him his traditional acoustic serenade was more than enough...it's what I asked for and I couldn't be happier. Though I do like my new purse :) I think I like "Wonderwall" more :) :) :)



I know better than to let remnants of his mental illness bother me. My own BFF had a lapse on Sunday night and she said (in anger) that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I tried to be strong and not let it get to me. I knew it was her disease getting the better of her. So I just let it go and she apologized with a phone call a few minutes later. She and Jose share similar stories: they are fighting through their own battle with mental disease. I know my BFF has a long journey ahead of her and I will stand by her, no matter what. I know she will get to the other side, where Jose is now: where the symptoms are under control and there are no more "episodes." But it always hurts more when it's someone that close to you, they say something and it just echoes in your head...

(sigh)

But you love that person so much, so you know you'll never give up on them. And you might hit a rough patch in your friendship or relationship, but your bond is strong enough to withstand it.

I got you, Lo. I know you might be reading this.
Jose knows, too. We got this.