Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me....

I need distractions and to be worry-free...that seems to be the only way to hog-tie Edgar's attention and get him to come running to Whittier...

Last night's plans were littered with hiccups and obstacles...instead of being in our usual front row standing spot, wailing off key to our favorite Smiths songs, Dan and I wound up in the Key Club's upstairs dining area contemplating a two-drink minimum...we made the best of it and rocked out to Die, Die My Darling, a Misfits cover band...the lead singer didn't sound a thing like Danzig, but he wore a Misfits T-shirt...I remember Edgar had the same one years ago...

Our favorite band The Sweet and Tender Hooligans hit the stage around 11 pm and I was immersed completely in the soaring melodies of Morrissey...every broken-hearted lyric...every guttural cry about the unfairness of life...every single note seemed to be directed at me...I kept my phone on vibrate and wondered what Edgar was doing...I wished he was sitting here next to me in this cozy booth, kissing my lips and holding me close during "Suedehead." Dan and I sat side by side...but we could've been a million miles apart for all I cared.

We sped home and somewhere around the 101/110 split Dan was already knocked out cold, sleeping like a baby...I felt a twinge on my front right pocket...it was a text message...I glanced at my dashboard clock...1:03 am...I smiled to myself and felt a hot flash of anticipation, happiness and nervousness...do we even have to wonder who that was?

I cautiously pulled out my phone, trying so hard not to make any sudden moves and in the process wake up Dan from his alcohol-fueled coma...

Edgar: I want to see u tonight.

My chest surged...my palms felt cold and clammy....and suddenly I felt like my body was covered in a freezing sweat...I glanced around and checked my rear-view mirror...no cops? no cops? GOOD!

I shot him a text back, again trying to be ever so careful and not make my car swerve...I don't like texting while driving, especially after I've downed a couple of cocktails...this doesn't need to end in a DUI with a citation for texting while driving...

me: Be home soionn.

Yeah, I am not a master of multi-tasking...at least not in this respect...in the name of safety and not waking up my slumbering bear of a boyfriend, I sacrificed correct spelling...I think Edgar got the message.

I made the drive to East L.A. in about 9 minutes...yeah, I was speeding...fuck it...if I could, I would have opened the passenger door and let Dan fall out and roll into the gutter of his parents house...but I didn't.

:)

I pulled over and dialed Edgar at 1:12 am. My heart was beating like a drum on crack cocaine...ring, ring, ring...he picks up on the fourth ring. "Hey, what's up?" he answers, as if cool ice runs through his veins...as if nothing has ever bothered him in his life...so casual, so calm...I feel like red peppers have been spread all over me...I'm running hot and cold...I collect my thought and inhale sharply, "Hey! Where you at?" We awkwardly make plans to meet at our usual spot, the Starbucks on Beverly and Norwalk in Whittier...we both pretend not to know what we're planning to do in a few minutes...

And the race is on...I do my best not to speed, but I catch my speedometer inching towards 80 miles an hour...CALM DOWN, I scream in my head, hoping my nervous system understands and my body will obey.

I make it to the rendezvous point first...so I sit in my car and turn the radio on to ease my altered nerves...I smooth my hair back then change my mind and tousle it back up a little so I can at least look sexy...I'm not wearing earrings...my make up is almost non-existent...I smile at myself...well, it's dark...and I appear put together and the last lingering effects of my intoxication give me the confidence to know that I am a desirable object...the fact that I know Edgar is speeding over from Commerce in the middle of the night is proof enough...as I'm nearing the end of my late-night booty call pep talk, I see a white car pass by in my rear view mirror and make a left...that's him...I know that car anywhere.

I inhale and exhale slowly...I beg my heart to stop jack hammering...just slow down...slow down to a normal pace...I glance over and see Edgar pull up next to me...he looks over and smiles at me, per usual. I wave and get out gracefully...

I get into his car, savoring every little moment...I slide into the passenger seat and we exchange greetings...it's not long before the inside of his Solara is filled with the sound of our laughter...I explain to him the disaster the previous night, about my friends not wanting to leave fast enough...he fesses up that he told himself to stay up and wait for me, but what was supposed to be a moment to rest his eyes, ended up being him waking up around 4 am to a few choice texts from me...he told me how the whole "lick you like a motherfuckin lollipop" was the cherry on the sundae and he was left wanting so bad to see me...I giggled...it worked!

We swing over to our determined hideaway...I know what's going to happen..he turns off the car...I want it, I want it...the last few weeks have culminated into this...time seems to slow down right now...I can hear myself making idle, nervous chit-chat...I hear my voice trail off...he looks over at me, with these eyes full of want, hormones and loneliness....he reaches over and pulls me close, almost on top of him...we kiss like two lovers on a sinking ship...I love how soft his tongue feels, exploring the inside of my hungry mouth...I plead with God to never let this end...to have time stand still just this once because I can't bear to tear myself away from this boy...his hands roam all over my body...he pulls at the hem of my shirt, on the hunt for my breasts...I help out and pull my top off to reveal my D-cups in a nice black bra...he paws at them, like a crazy lunatic...my rack looks amazing in the moonlight and I almost wanna see them as bad as he does...he reaches behind my back and unhooks my bra in one fluid motion...I look at him in surprise and all I can utter is "Whoa!"...Edgar fastens his mouth to my right breast and suckles it like he's been waiting his entire life for it...he moves to my left one and sucks hard on the nipple...I am lost in hot, shimmering pleasure...WHY CAN'T THIS BE MY LIFE??....as I'm propelling towards a world of ecstasy, he makes a bee-line for my crotch and I don't even flinch when I feel his hand slide under my jeans and past my drenched panties...he goes for my clit and after a few minutes of near orgasms, I beg him to just let me suck his dick...

He quickly leans back and follows orders, unzipping his black Dickies pants and revealing a delicious full-erection...this boy never shows up half-stalk...I stop myself from attacking his swollen cock and lift his black Alkaline Trio shirt up...I quickly savor the sight of his tight, flat stomach...the hair around his belly and the softness of his skin...I run a finger down his sides and feel him shudder ever so slightly...torture time is over...I dive right in, burying my face in his lap...the smells and taste are all so familiar...I suck him off like a pro, showing no mercy and no teasing...I work him like I'm jerking him off, except my mouth is twisting and licking him everywhere...I can see he's almost ready...it's only a matter of seconds before he goes off...I moan in response to each of his sighs and groans....he sinks his fingers into my hair...and then suddenly I hear silence from him, like he's lost his breath...and I feel his whole body freeze...he's comes in one giant shot of semen...I feel myself gag/burp but I swallow his come quickly, masking any unpleasantness he might have noticed...once he's done ejaculating, I hold him tenderly between my lips before pulling away...I know at this precise moment, his dick is sensitive as all hell...I carefully draw my mouth away and lick the entire shaft and tip clean...he looks at me with this amazing expression of appreciation and touches my hair lovingly.

I feel like an obedient little slut, happy in his happiness..I sit up, my breasts still exposed and remark that this is his "congratulations on getting into law school" present. He laughs and says it's the best present he's gotten so far. "Hallmark doesn't make a card for this kinda stuff!" I joke as reach for my bra...

I get dressed and we start talking...he shows me his first week of law school schedule...all the orientations and workshops he has to go...I confide that I'm applying to different films schools and cinema graduate programs...his eyes light up and he says that's great, asking me all sorts of questions about what schools and where...he jokingly asks that if I choose to write a screenplay about our trysts, can I please pick a hot guy to play him?...I play along and say I'll get a young Henry Rollins type guy to interpret the part of Edgar...so refreshing to see some support from him...I remember days ago when I told Dan of my post-graduate plans, he made a face and shrugged his shoulders...like it was a stupid idea.

We sit around for a long time, talking about our pets and how he loves dogs but I love cats...I tell him about my cute, tomboy cat Susie and he gushes over his dogs Noche (which is Spanish for night) and Mica...the German Shepherd Mica loves to stick her snout into the hole in the garage door and beg Edgar to let her in...he promises to take a picture of it and post it on Facebook...

Speaking of which, he reads my Facebook posts...which is how he knew I'd be out at the Morrissey birthday show and possibly up for some late night fun...I kinda don't feel bad now about how I read all of his posts religiously...but I don't say a word.

We talk about past relationships and how well we get along in comparison to all those other disastrous affairs...he tells me about the girl he was on a date with who rebuked him when he put his arm around her and proclaimed that he should "leave room for Jesus." I laughed out loud and told him he got cock blocked by Christ himself...I told him his dick was evil...he laughed and shook his head, "No, you're the evil one. You corrupted me!"

Our soundtrack this time was City and Colour, a Canadian folk/acoustic band fronted by Dallas Green. Edgar is pleased I can just hear a band and instantly know who it is...I don't mention that the song "Coming Home" reminds me so much of him...

He referred to himself as my "backdoor man"...that's kinda funny...

It's nearly 3 am and he starts the car up...I feel a little disappointed but it's getting extremely late...I can feel a yawn coming on...it's time for bed...if only he could join me.

Ahhhh...the goodnight kiss...more like the dozen and a half goodnight kisses...as soon as we finish one, we kiss again...and again...and again...I lose count and sigh when we finally pull away for good...I smile at him and touch his cheek, "You are so handsome. You know that's your nick name right? Handsome. God, you are just too good looking!" He doesn't reply, just smiles wide like a goofy kid, never showing his teeth...."Goodnight, see ya soon" he says finally and I agree, "See you one of these days...you know how to reach me...it might take us a few tries but we always find a way, right?" He nods in agreement, "Yeah, it's kinda hard..." I look away and think about all the weeks I agonize when I don't see him...how all that pain was just a speck in the universe of our body heat and sexual energy moments ago....I can feel it all coming back to me...my voice cracks a little, "Yeah...it is hard getting two different people's lives together." I wonder if he noticed...I thank him for a lovely night and kiss him sweetly one last time as I grab my keys and purse...

"You handsome motherfucker!" I say and step out of the car...I can hear him laugh inside of his car as he calls out goodnight and calls me by first name...he never says it...it sounds divine...

I drive home with a huge fucking grin on my face....I get ready to make a left onto Whittier Boulevard and see his White Solara speed past me on Norwalk...I watch him until I can't see him anymore...

I collapse into bed around 3 am, happy as all hell...but knowing I have an eternity of waiting ahead of me...until the next time he sweeps in and grabs me...when our lives sync up again and we can indulge...when we can be ourselves...when we can get away from life and just exist in a smoldering torrent of selfish and wild fornication.

Such a strange numb, it could bring back peace to the earth...

Dan felt because it was his birthday on the 20th, after we had a pleasant dinner at Black Angus and had gone the whole day with no squabbling, he deserved to know whose car I was in when I took the infamous 3:31 picture...

I sighed...I died a little...I told him...well, I lied a bunch. I said that I had met up with Edgar (which is true) but that we had just talked as friends...and I had decided I still had no feelings for him, despite whatever else he might have felt...

true-ish...I guess...about the closest I could get to the real story...

To my incredible surprise, Dan didn't blow up or scream at me or get violent...he was just upset I was being so blatantly dishonest...he did make mention that I could still be covering up more...but we both fell asleep annoyed and tired...I don't think he believed me all the way through, but I didn't care...I was glad I had made him at least stop asking...I changed the wallpaper on my phone...I figured the 3:31 picture was my way of insuring I would get caught...only I wouldn't fess up until I was ready...

With all that unpleasantness over and done with, Dan and I soldiered on the next morning happy and harmonious. Seven of us friends got together at Medieval Times in Buena Park and had ourselves a fun time celebrating Dan's 26th birthday...he and I were very cute and took pictures on my camera phone, wearing our paper crowns...Dan even bought the overpriced $20 glossy group photo of us posing with the princess of the castle...it felt cathartic to be with good food, good friends and good times...after the joust was over, we huddled in the parking lot and decided to get some drinks at the Anarchy Library in Downey, our new favorite bar...

En route to the bar, I was giddy and in good spirits...I figured Dan and I had reconciled, somewhat...he kept looking back at me and smiling, mouthing along to the words of the songs blaring out the car stereo...then I feel my phone vibrate at precisely the stroke of midnight...who else could it be?

Edgar is calling me. I reject the call hastily. I shoot him a text in the dark, praying Dan won't see me. This had to be about the most tense and nail-biting text conversation ever:

me: I'm out drinking with friends.
Edgar: Where at?
me: The Anarchy Library.
Edgar: See you in a few.
me: Nooooo...Danny is here.
Edgar: Ok
me: The music is whack, we might leave soon.
Edgar: Let me know.

The odds were stacked against me, as soon as I complained about the music out loud to my friends (who all agreed was quite rightly, whack as all shit)...the bouncer intervened and said he'd get it back to more 80s and less rap/hip hop....in a matter of minutes, my favorite band The Smiths was on and I was in new wave heaven...my friends secured a table and settled in for the night...I knew I could never get six grown people to leave...maybe just one round and we'd leave? Well, we ended up having two rounds...it was 1 am when I finally got the whole lot of us to leave...I prayed he'd still be up.

me: Leaving Downey now.

no answer...my drunk self was indignant and bleary-eyed...

me: Are you asleep already?

silence...

I knew it was over...no, no, no...please...I want him. I WANT HIM!

that's it....the window of opportunity has been slammed on my fingers...I wince...I retreat...I give it one last futile shot...I call him...it rings and rings and rings...goes to voicemail.

Hi, you've reached the cell phone of Edgar Cruz...

Hmm. I see he's switched back to his old voice mail message...good.

me: Guess it's too late for you. I am on way back to Whittier right now. I was gonna suck your dick...lick you like a motherfuckin' lollipop.

I was pretty drunk by then...not my best piece of literary flirtation, but I am not the Shakespeare of the sexting world.

And so I go to sleep, angry...horny...abandoned...wishing things were different...wishing I could stop it all, wishing I could have it all. Sometimes I feel like I could claw out my eyes, I want him so much...sometimes I wish it would all go away...I wish there'd just be peace inside my mind as I drift off to sleep with a thousand pounds of guilt on my head and my heart.

For a minute there I lost myself....I lost myself...

No luck getting Edgar to come out and play this weekend...

I wound up at the Anarchy Library in Downey...drunk off my ass...a henna tattoo of an iron cross on the inside of my left forearm...wearing a Ramones T-shirt, jeans and sandals...I stumbled into the ladies room to pee and text in peace:

me: I wanna see you. I'll be out all night. Let me know if you're feeling sinister, handsome.

No response the entire night. Nothing...nada...just silence.

Sometimes I just wanna scream...corner him somewhere and yell into his face..."YOU'RE SHORT, YOU'RE HAIRY, YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS AND YOU TALK WITH A LISP...STOP IGNORING ME!! I AM A SURE THING!!"

There's no nice way to broach the subject...I suppose I deserve this shabby treatment, too. Feeling this way is about the best revenge the universe can have on me. God, I just want to kiss him again and again. I want to kiss him until there's nothing left. I want to fuck him until everything feels right again.

Operation Bone All My Ex Boyfriends (phase 1)

I'm going up to Berkeley, home of my alma matter on August 20th through the 22nd. I sent a quick message to my ex-boyfriend Paul, to which he responded:

Visit!
I shall put you on my calendar! There's plenty of space on my couch and I should be around then.

I am going to fuck that boy again. I plan on fucking as many of my ex-boyfriends this summer, including Edgar.

Julio is next. I have to reserve a hotel room next week for June.

I am taking no prisoners. I'm going to play their dicks like a guitar. I will be the Carlos Santana of their cocks.

(while still having safe sex and getting tested, of course)

REVENGE IS MINE!!!!

But I'm not a piece of meat...

I just heard my company will be installing an internet filter system. Secretly, I hope that means Facebook will get blocked because that site is driving me crazy...I feel like it's become a device that only shows me what I can't have as well as demonstrates what a jackass I can be.

Edgar posted a YouTube video of Jermaine Stewart's hit song "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off." He captioned it: "This has got to be the worst song to hear on a date." I thought it'd be funny to comment: "Also, make sure to follow up with the fact that the singer died of AIDS."

It's true, isn't it? Yeahhh...don't know if he got my morbid humor. Whatever.

He posted a shit ton of new pictures from his trips to Vegas, Chicago and Hawaii...I hardly can stand how handsome he is...such a kick in the teeth.

I have spent far too long admiring this one:



The caption was (of course), "Getting lei'd."

That neck, the scratchy traces of his beard coming in...the softness of his ears...the tickle of his eye lashes...his smooth shoulders...FUCK.

Fuck it. I'm contacting him tomorrow, to see if he's still in for Bill Burr. I am getting drunk Saturday night and I'm hunting down. The sour flash of rejection is better than the abyss of never knowing. It gets boring being this obsessive.

Time will see us realign....time will lead us to the same realm...

After a few weeks of obsessive blog reading and general interest in his music, I caved and made a few random comments on Brandon Kelly's blog...he's the lead singer of the Lawrence Arms, Edgar's favorite band...I felt a little weird doing it, but Brandon brings up a lot of good and interesting points and I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer...apparently his wife is 9 months pregnant and ready to pop any second...he let his readership know that he would be naming his baby girl after us...I laughed and threw my hat into the ring and suggested he name her after me...I think I have a pretty nice name, not too weird...not too common...it's a little antiquated, but you can definitely grown into it...I like it.

I decided to let Edgar know of my scheme...mostly because I was a little drunk from Cinco de Mayo and feeling lonely.

me: I finally had to comment on Brandon Kelly's blog and suggest he name his kid after me. I have as good a change as anyone else. lol

10 hours later....

Edgar: If it happens, I will be so jealous.

God, I want him....I want him now...I want him to call me on Saturday night...I want him to say he wants to see me again...all I can do is relive over and over seeing those words flash across my phone: "I wanna see you." I want him to desire me like that again...to finally have things fall into place and I can whisper back, "No problem. Meet me in 10."

Ugghhhhhhh....I want him so fucking bad, it's driving me nuts.

let's raise our glasses to these faintly falling ashes ...

Another month, another round of lying through my teeth.

Dan and I did nothing but fight this past weekend, two big rows...it finally dawned on him that the wallpaper of my phone displaying a dashboard clock at 3:31 a.m. is not my own car...if you look closely and carefully, it's obvious that the dash clock on the phone is a different style than mine. He kept asking whose car I was in and what I was doing up at 3:31 without him...I just zipped my lips and refused to give in, even though I was just flat out lying...drowning in my own putrid betrayal.

We fought about me cheating (which he believes and I deny), about me not wanting to take an interest in the things he likes, in my unwillingness to compromise or actually work on the relationship...it's not like I am unable to make these changes, I just don't want to.

I was able to steer the conversation away from infidelity and more into the meat of our relationship...the dying nervous system of it all. I can feel everything shutting down as we near the end of the lease....but he just won't let go and he's asking me to make these changes that I don't want.

For the sake of moving on, I agreed to change. Both fights lasted at least an hour or so and both times he finally conceded when he felt he had reached a good conclusion. He gave me a hug and a kiss, told me he loved me and that was that. I can hardly believe I cried, sitting in my car at the Home Depot Center waiting for the Galaxy/Union soccer game to start. Good thing I wore sunglasses.

I prayed Edgar would call...that I would get to escape on Saturday night...but it never happened. I'm sure I was miles away from his mind.

My hopes are that I can break up with Dan at the end of the summer, move back to my beloved Whittier and start applying to grad schools for spring 2011. I already have my eyes set on a Masters in Management from Cambridge College or a Master of Business Administration from National University.

Maybe with a distraction such as that...a different goal to attain, I can concentrate on myself...on being single...and maybe things with Edgar will get better. I can only worry about myself at this point.