let's raise our glasses to these faintly falling ashes ...

Another month, another round of lying through my teeth.

Dan and I did nothing but fight this past weekend, two big rows...it finally dawned on him that the wallpaper of my phone displaying a dashboard clock at 3:31 a.m. is not my own car...if you look closely and carefully, it's obvious that the dash clock on the phone is a different style than mine. He kept asking whose car I was in and what I was doing up at 3:31 without him...I just zipped my lips and refused to give in, even though I was just flat out lying...drowning in my own putrid betrayal.

We fought about me cheating (which he believes and I deny), about me not wanting to take an interest in the things he likes, in my unwillingness to compromise or actually work on the relationship...it's not like I am unable to make these changes, I just don't want to.

I was able to steer the conversation away from infidelity and more into the meat of our relationship...the dying nervous system of it all. I can feel everything shutting down as we near the end of the lease....but he just won't let go and he's asking me to make these changes that I don't want.

For the sake of moving on, I agreed to change. Both fights lasted at least an hour or so and both times he finally conceded when he felt he had reached a good conclusion. He gave me a hug and a kiss, told me he loved me and that was that. I can hardly believe I cried, sitting in my car at the Home Depot Center waiting for the Galaxy/Union soccer game to start. Good thing I wore sunglasses.

I prayed Edgar would call...that I would get to escape on Saturday night...but it never happened. I'm sure I was miles away from his mind.

My hopes are that I can break up with Dan at the end of the summer, move back to my beloved Whittier and start applying to grad schools for spring 2011. I already have my eyes set on a Masters in Management from Cambridge College or a Master of Business Administration from National University.

Maybe with a distraction such as that...a different goal to attain, I can concentrate on myself...on being single...and maybe things with Edgar will get better. I can only worry about myself at this point.