Girl, you better recognize the game....

Why on Earth did I think Julio would be any different than all the other guys who have played me in the past? Why did I think he'd be cut from a different mold than Edgar....or Dan..or any of these other fools who just get my hopes up, only to squash them in the end....and why the HECK did I think my stupid heart would stay out of it for once?? I don't know...

What's that old idiom?: ""Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me."
As I have understood it, this means that you should learn from your mistakes and not allow people to take advantage of you repeatedly. Have I done that?

Uhhh. Nope. I keep thinking people will change. That I will finally get the wonderful relationship I've always dreamed of from guys who only want a quick fuck and a blowjob. I need a new pool of guys to choose from....because all these former crushes of mine from high school are driving me up the wall, mad. A very silent, painful madness that nobody but me and you (my dear reader) know about.

Julio offered me the world back in 2005 when we first dated. He wanted to marry me, have children with me, wanted me to move back to Texas with him. But once I resisted (wise choice) he forgot about me. Then in 2006 he said he'd come see me in Berkeley while I was finishing up college....he never called and made a million excuses for not showing up. In 2007 he moved (oh-so-briefly) back to California and took me out on a date...he confessed he had manic depression, which is also known as bipolar disorder...he also expressed the desire to move in with me and start a new life together...that didn't last very long and sometime in the middle of the night, he left again and went back to Texas....I should have seen this coming now in 2010...but I didn't. He was so perfect with me in Vegas, the strong silent type I had fallen in love with so many years ago...and when I hoped he'd come see in L.A., he was gone. He never showed up, never called, never texted....I had to find out through Facebook he was in Texas, back to his old tricks. UGHH!!!!!

Now I'm back in that horrible state of mind...where I'm not sure if I'm sad, angry, disappointed or lonely. Maybe I'm all those things. On the outside I'm so happy and smiling...but if only everyone knew I feel like curling up in a little ball and not dealing with the world.

Also, now I've started FB stalking Julio. Because looking at his pictures makes me happy and it's something to eat at the gnawing void I feel inside my stupid heart:







I need to get a life. As if FB stalking Edgar wasn't enough...now I'm staring at Julio's pictures and wondering why I wasn't worth him fighting for....what more could he want in a girl, if not me?

Ughhh. Fuck boys. Fuck them and their shit. I need to stop getting attached to hearts (and dicks) that don't belong to me. That weren't mine to begin with. SIGH!