So much for having a crazy girls-only weekend to forget my troubles...I fully expected to just gamble, drink and dance with my fabulous girls...but as I have come to expect...my best laid plans always get turned upside down...sometimes for the better.
As we sped across the desert that separates Los Angeles from Las Vegas, I had a lot on my mind. The sun had set and a full rose moon was beginning to rise, the kind you only see in June...maybe this was a sign of good luck? The girls chattered and giggled loudly, making crazy plans for the weekend while my mind was miles away, remembering what exactly made me fall in love that first time with him...the girls were determined to play the boys for some drinks...I knew my stupid heart would never let me do that.
How would things be between me and Julio? Would he brush me off? Would he be nice and talk to me? How would I act? Would we be distant and cold? Or friendly and polite? I thought of all our wonderful memories together and how in my heart he had always been a perfect gentleman...a real classy guy that any girl could want...I hoped for the best...that at least I wouldn't be alone...and maybe he'd still want me. My loneliness now seemed to be a condition, a disease...I felt broken.
We stopped halfway in Barstow to pee and get some food. I was too nervous to eat my burger. "Why are you nervous???" my head screamed, "It's not like anything is going to happen...right??!?" I figured I'd throw some bait into the waters. I shot Josh a text message
me: Leaving Barstow now.
Somewhere in the darkness, with only the headlights of passing motorists flickering around us, I saw my little cell phone light up. I nearly swallowed my gum. Suddenly I felt like I was very alone on this long, abandoned stretch of desert highway...I asked my co-pilot Sandra to answer the phone. It was stupid Josh, wondering how far out we were. I found out I also had several missed calls and text messages from Julio asking me where I was...my heart jumped to my throat.
We finally made it to Vegas around 12:30 a.m. We had to beg the boys to keep drinking elsewhere...we still had to check into our room and get ready to go out...I must have changed my outfit three or four times until I was satisfied with the amount of leg and boob I was showing...I straightened my hair and glanced at myself in the mirror..."It's all or nothing." I thought to myself as I pulled my blouse down to show more cleavage. I didn't want to be alone tonight. I was determined to make Julio my salvation.
I was just about done with my make up when we all heard a very hard, manly knock on the door. All of us girls just about shrieked in surprise. We made them wait one more minute before I took a deep breath and opened the door. And there stood three somewhat well-dressed boys. Josh wearing his usual Hurley gear, Julio dressed in a yellow polo shirt and black dress pants and a third boy, Josh's brother Andrew, in a red shirt and sandals. We all exchanged awkward hugs, handshakes and made introductions to each other...I nervously stood next to Julio as he casually turned to me to ask how were things...like no amount of time had ever passed between us. I could already hear the titter of nerves in my voice as I talked to him, my eyes trying to focus on the color of the carpet or on my shoes...anything so I wouldn't look him in the face and get red with embarrassment...I knew I'd be in trouble if I gave myself one second to focus on that boyish smile of his, those light brown eyes and long eyelashes..I was so relieved when the boys suggested we take a few shots of Jager before heading out into the night...I know alcohol calms my nerves and I feel like social pressures get pushed to the back of my mind...I gulped down the thick, sweet, licorice flavored shot and never looked back.
We shuffled down to the bar in the hotel lobby and did another round of shots...this time it was my favorite, tequila...unfortunately, it was Patron (ewww)...I bit the bullet, as they say, and gulped it down. Now I felt better. Now I felt myself loosening up. I was brave enough to turn to my right and look at him straight in the face. I smiled back at him as we talked about college, his time in Korea, my job in Hollywood, his struggles to try and buy a house in California...my last days living in Reseda and how NO I WOULD NOT ever move to Texas (I love California too much!)...I felt so ease with him...like I was 21 years old again, sitting on his couch in Arlington, Texas...confessing everything under the sun to him...I took one more shot of tequila before leaving and by then my crumbling relationship with Dan was far from my mind....I was in Vegas, for all intents and purposes a single girl, on the hunt to rekindle the flame of my forgotten Texas boy.
We wandered over to the Excalibur Hotel and played some beer pong...the girls were quickly roped into Josh and his cheesy pick up lines, while Julio and I stood off to one side and chatted...sometimes we even spoke in Spanish so the other couples wouldn't know what we were saying about them...I love his accent, very Chicano, very Mexican American...he always teases me about my Salvadorian accent....I took a couple of sips of disgusting Bud Light, which by now tastes like water, and tried my best to balance myself on my heels. Julio motions for me to walk over to a table and we get a little bit of privacy. Poor Andrew was ignored by everyone and quickly informed us he'd be leaving...nobody seemed to care (awwww)...
Julio and I stood face to face and started the word vomit on our exes and soon-to-be exes...he went on about the Canadian girl who told him to "Shit or get off the pot" in regards to his not being able to commit to her...he confessed he was apprehensive about not being right for her and as a result pushed her away...he watched her go back to Canada and though he tried to win her back, she refused and said she would not return until he changed...and so here he was, on a boys trip to Vegas, drunk and lonely...I was no better...he asked what the heck was up with me and Dan...I was too drunk to form all the perfect words...I remember just telling him I was sick and tired of being with him...that everything between us now was killing me...I couldn't function with him anymore and all we ever did was fight about nothing...I wanted out and I wanted out NOW....the living together thing made us realize we should not be together...
It became quite clear by now (it was almost like 4 am) that the girls and Josh had gone from playfully fighting with him to full blown "Let's have a threesome!" Julio and I were utterly disturbed but would not do anything to stop them...it took a few text messages, phone calls, pep talks in the restroom and private discussions to figure out what exactly was going down...we ran around the different casinos, changing plans every 5 minutes...Julio suggested we let the crazy threesome go off and do their own thing because, as he put it, "You and I are too old for this shit."...then he asked if we should get our own room nearby...my face flushed red hot and I asked if he was serious..."Oh definitely. I do not want to be in the same room as Josh if he's hooking up with your friends."
I couldn't argue with that logic, especially being as intoxicated as I was. I called an audible (look it up, it's an American football term in the NFL) and let the girls know that Julio wanted us to get our own room...they were fine with it, especially if I felt safe...I looked over at the boys who were having their own conference and made brief eye contact with Julio..."Hell yes, I am." And that was it...
My feet were killing me, but after a few tries, we finally found a room at the Motel 6....it was not very glamorous...but we were both half-drunk and it would have to do...we both looked so silly standing in line at the front desk...there were several old, drug users standing around....some German tourists full of luggage and bags...and us, two well-dressed Mexicans looking like we hadn't slept in days...I was beyond exhausted from the drive through the desert and Julio was on 4 hours of sleep. He pays for the room in cash and slips the lady his Texas I.D. card...I look at the picture on the I.D. card and laugh at his mustache...glad he got rid of it!
My eyes stung, my breath tasted like cheap beer and my feet were aching...we finally got our room keys and it took us 20 minutes to find it...the sky was no longer pitch black as it was driving in...it's now a deep blue and the birds are starting to chirp....we see a pack of shirtless fat guys drinking in front of their room...they scream: "GOOD MORNING!" at me. We wave and scream "Good morning!!" back at them....I sounded more like a croaking frog. Hah!
I almost jumped for joy when I saw the two comfy hotel beds...I kicked my heels off and hoped blisters hadn't formed yet. Julio pulled his shirt and pants off and stood there in nothing but his boxers and under shirt, "I"m gonna take a shower." I nervously turned away..."Uhmm...okay sure...I'll be here." HOLY SHIT.
I heard the shower start up and quickly grabbed the remote control to distract myself...I turned on the TV set and put it on the World Cup game...at this hour all the games are either re-runs or pre-game analysis...I know he's a fervent soccer fan and is cheering for Mexico and the USA to make it to the finals...the shower water turns off...he walks out in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist...I avoid eye contact and make a dash for the bathroom, "I'm gonna shower, too...see ya."
I don't dare undress in front of him...as far as I know, nothing is going to happen right? STUPID DUMB GIRL! OF COURSE HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU!! What else do guys want when they get a hotel room??? I jump in the shower and do more thinking than scrubbing...I am disappointed all my bags are in a different hotel down the block...oh well...I guess I won't smell amazing...I grab the bar of soap and lather up...I have no choice...it feels like an eternity as I think and think...oh God...oh God...finally, I just wash my hair real quick, dry off and squeeze all the excess water out....I stand in front of the bathroom door and wrap a big fluffy white towel around myself...I probably need one for my hair...I don't walk out...I just slide my arm out and snatch one from the rack without him noticing...I don't want him to see me naked! But then I do....FUCKING SHIT...ahhhh...enough!
I put on slinky white blouse I was wearing earlier, the one that shows off my cleavage...I also slip on my undies, a cute little pink and white striped American Eagle one...he's already under the sheets, now wearing just his boxers and all the lights are off...his pants, shirt, socks and undershirt are in a small pile on the floor...I feel my heart slamming in my chest...why am I so nervous? I never feel like this...not with Dan, not with Edgar...why is Julio doing this to me? I walk over to the other bed in the dark and sit on the edge...I don't feel so tough now, I don't feel like a wild chick in Vegas...I'm a shy little girl from L.A. sitting in her underwear, confused as all hell...he sits up on his side and looks at me, "What's the matter? You don't want to come over to this bed?" Just the way he says it...it feels bad but so good..."Uhh...well I guess..." I stammer. He scoots over and pulls back the sheets and says, "Well, it's up to you. Whatever you feel comfortable with." My mind races with all the possibilities...I want him...I really, really do...so I go for it...I slip in next to him and he feels so warm there in the darkness...before I can even get comfortable his mouth is on mine and his very soft lips are kissing me...right away I can smell his cologne mixed with the smell of soap..the air conditioning hums in the background, all the night life sounds in the hot desert air go on without us outside.....off comes my blouse and then it begins.
He pulls me closer and begins to suck on my breasts...he's not wild or crazy about it at all...very calm, soft sucking...he doesn't hurt my nipples, he gently runs his tongue over them...I feel like I'll finish right then and there if he keeps at it...I run my fingers through his thick, dark hair and let him take the lead...this is about the best I've felt all month...there's not a single care on my mind, except when it's going to be my turn...
We spend what feels like hours rolling around in the sheets, kissing like we're never going to see each other again...and then finally I decide it's time to up the ante. As I kiss the spot right below his ear, right at his neck....I run my hand down his chest, past his stomach and feel his rock hard erection poking through his boxer shorts...in an instant he's on his back and I'm sucking him off...he's in blow job heaven for a long while before he abruptly pulls me up and has me lay down on my back...off come my panties....and he's on top of me, spreading my legs...I look up at him in a panic and choke out, "Listen...we can't do this...I don't have a condom....do you?" He shakes his head and says he doesn't have a rubber...MOTHER OF GOD...I can't do this...I won't...I can't get pregnant by this boy...I try and do my best to discourage him, insisting that I don't mind sucking his cock until he finishes....but he's got his mind set on fucking me...and in my weak, drunk state I give in and let him slide his unprotected dick right inside of me..."I've never ever had sex without a condom" I tell him and he doesn't answer...I don't know if this is going to hurt or feel dry...it takes him a few tries, but he makes it in....it feels great!...very natural...but he keeps slipping out, to which he remarks that I'm too scared or nervous...finally, he's able to get in and give me a good, firm fucking...I hear myself moaning and groaning in pleasure....I touch his face and ask him if he likes it..."Yes!" he says in a loud whisper, his face knotted in concentration...I feel stupid with happiness and ask him "Why?"....without even stopping, he keeps fucking me and laughs, "What do you mean why??"....I feel myself hurtling towards an unbelievable orgasm...each time he pounds me with his dick, I get closer and closer..."Are you almost there?" I ask, in a voice that sounds more like I'm begging him to...I'm wondering if he's already come inside me (maybe I can get him to pull out) but he shakes his head, "No. I'm waiting for you" he says calmly. That's enough to send me over the edge...God, this boy is amazing...I close my eyes and arch my back, coming so hard, I feel myself clamp violently on his dick...I dig my fingernails into his back and say every dirty word in the book.
He pulls out, still rock hard and gets on top of me...I'm all sweaty and limp from my own amazing orgasm, I don't fully get what he's doing...he straddles my face and puts his dick right in my mouth...oh, right...that....I suck on him for a bit but then I ask to switch it around...I have him kneel on the bed while I suck him off in an almost sitting up position. We got at it for several minutes and I do everything in my power to get him so very close but at the last second, stop or change my speed...I can hear him groaning out loud. Finally, I slip him in all the way to the back of my throat (careful not to gag) and I hear him gasp a few times. That's it. He's coming. It was a huge load, too...felt like he was going on forever....I held onto him in my mouth until I was sure he was done. I ran my hands down his sides and loved how smooth his stomach is....how I can feel his hip bone. He's not a skinny boy but by no means overweight...he's just right.
We lay in bed a while, I get up to rinse my mouth out and get a drink of water...he gets comfortable...and then we fall asleep. It's the best sleep I've ever had. He surprises me by holding me from behind...he's spooning me! Wow...I haven't been spooned in years....and it feels amazing. He's so warm and comforting. I love how he feels and we fit perfectly. I tuck my feet into his and knock out.
I set my alarm to go off at 7:30 am, the time of the next World Cup game...but I think he's on Texas time because the game started sometime around 4:30 am. Anyway, I end up waking up several times throughout the night to pee, cough, put more clothes on (I fell asleep naked, which I don't like)...and check my phone. I hate tearing myself away from his warm body. I even like the feeling of his leg hair on the back of my knees. (sigh)...at one point, as the morning sun starts to creep in and our room starts to brighten up, I turn over and watch him sleep. I don't know why. He looks so peaceful. He doesn't snore (unlike Dan, whose snoring drives me CRAZY!)...his breathing is so calm. I glance at his arms, which now have tattoos. He has an Aztec calendar on his left arm, a bull (because he's a Taurus) on his right and a black star on the inside of his right arm that he said he got on South Padre Island. I remember dating him when his arms were bare and had no ink on them.
We get up around 9 am and get dressed. He brings me back a couple of bottles of water and starts making plans to see the USA/Ghana game at the MGM Hotel right across the street. I promise to meet up with him at 11:30 am. I make the quick walk of shame to the threesome hotel room and get my bags so I can change my clothes and take a real shower with shampoo, conditioner and my girly perfumed soap.
It's like pulling teeth getting the girls and Josh to leave the hotel room and drive over to the MGM. We find Julio in front of the big screens of the gaming area with hundreds of other soccer fans. Everyone's watching the game with their mouths open. We grab lunch and he stays behind because he claims, "My hunger will give the US good luck." I sit through an uncomfortable lunch with the gruesome threesome and as soon as we're done, we find Julio again...this time sitting cross legged on the floor of the hotel casino, with a worried look on his face. Looks like the US is going to lose. I tell him to keep Josh with him, that me and the girls need to go explore Vegas on our own and without a fucking chaperone. Julio agree and tells me to say to Josh that he needs to talk to him. He tells me he'll see me later at the hotel room. I smile and thank him, but not before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
We ditch Josh and spend the rest of the day shopping, seeing a sexy male stripper show and hanging out with a crazy couple from Arizona. The girls decide they want to get drunk as all hell with these Arizonians. I have a few beers and take some shots. I realize I haven't had dinner yet. I get drunk....fast. The girls and the 'Zonies (who I find out are swingers!!) take off and close the restroom door of their hotel room. I grab my phone and make a mad dash for our own hotel room. But not before making an ass of myself and dialing both Paul and Edgar. I leave both of them drunken voicemails. I also text Julio begging him to meet up with me.
me: Where are u? I am drunk off my as and horny as all hell.
He doesn't answer. I grab my purse and take off.
me: Hey. My drunk ass made it to the motel 6. I didn't kill anyone thank God. Come back here. I want u so bad. Please.
Still no answer.
I get ready for bed, brush my teeth, wash my make-up off, etc. I crawl into my side of the bed and try to watch Saturday Night Live...but inevitably I fall asleep. I am awoken in the middle of the night by two texts from him.
Julio: So sorry phone is dead. Im sorry, leaving on a grey hound for diego tonight cause my buddy leaves diego monday. So need to go tonight. But i'll catch up with you in LA. again im sorry this was just so last minute.
I omitted my name. He refers to me by my nickname, actually. I yawn and fire back.
me: Tell your buddy u forfeited sex with an incredibly wet girl. Hope san diego is worth it...hahahah. take care. come to LA, lets get a room. I am not done with u.
I remember him vaguely telling me the morning before that he wanted to meet his friend Mark in San Diego for some golf. I can't blame him for wanting to see his good friend from his time teaching in Korea.
Julio: Yeah, really im very very sorry this was just so poorly planned because i was in korea and its just all so last minute. when do you leave vegas?
It feels nice to have a guy fall over himself, apologizing. I don't think Edgar or Dan have ever, ever been this so apologetic...or even this remotely concerned about my feelings.
me: Tomorrow afternoon. I don't work monday. diego is close by to whittier. i am willing to drive down and give u a ride if u need it.
He doesn't answer. I wake up the next morning and collect my bags. I realize Julio took the second key to this room. Oh well, he gets a souvenir. I keep the receipt for the room as a reminder. I force the girls to grab their shit and we go home. I don't talk about the night before....except to tell them it was "bittersweet." I feel like I'm in between crying and feeling mad. Oh well...the prospect of seeing him again when I get home is enough to keep me going.
As I drive through the desert (this time in the blazing daytime sun) I get another text from him.
Julio: Sil. Sorry I just got your text. I'm in diego. I'll see you when i'm in LA.
That's right, he calls me Sil. The even shorter version of my nickname. The one only he uses. I swoon. I ask Valerie to reply back for me.
me: Sounds good, we are on the road back home. We'll talk more later...
And that's it. Here we are Thursday and I haven't heard a peep from him. I don't mind. I already started my period, so at least I know he hasn't impregnated me with his demon Mexican child. (sigh) At this point, I wouldn't be so shocked. I'm 26 years old with a great paying job, an advanced college degree and I'm getting to the point where I'm very worried I'll never have a child...would I want Julio's kid? I don't know...but I'm at the moment in my life where it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Maybe I could grow to like Texas? Ehhh...forget it.
I'm trying to figure out what happens now. I know Dan and are done. We're nice to each other now, especially since we both know the break up is looming a few weeks away. I don't need Edgar in my life, all he does is drive me crazy and use me up. Julio is nothing but a fantasy...he lives too far away. I just can't deny the strong feelings I've had (and still have) for him. It's not just an automatic burning desire to be with him sexually. It feels to the closest thing I know there is to love. This would be the THIRD TIME he's done this to me. He comes into my life, makes it feel amazing, has me feeling like I'm back in love, like the world is beautiful and alive again....and then he leaves...and I want to chase him back to Dallas, to Fort Worth, to Arlington...to the ends of the Earth. And for what? I don't know...he's just so strong, so silent...quiet like a fucking thunder storm that just sneaks up on you and tears you apart. Incredibly polite, well-mannered gentleman...a good Mexican American boy that loves his mom and respects his sisters. I want to keep him all for myself.
Ughhhh. I'm just so confused. Will I see him before he leaves L.A.? I don't know. He said he'd be spending the Fourth of July holiday weekend. I hope he calls. I hope it all works out for the best...at the very least I'll have a great memory of all that could have been.
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