Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Tell me how does it feel when your heart grows cold?

When the universe is off kilter, when plans fall by the wayside, when you know instinctively that you’ve just thrown fate off its balance…those are the times I look up at the sky and ask God, “Really? This had to happen now?”

Friday was fun. The Los Angeles Lakers had just won the 2010 NBA Championship. As a means of celebration, I took off with a few friends to Knotts Berry Farm for dinner. Fried chicken and boysenberry pie! Delicious. I didn’t invite Dan just because I feel like anytime we go out with friends, he does his best to make fun of me in front of them and acts like he’s so much cooler than me. It’s annoying and I also didn’t feel like picking him up.

I got home early and felt stuffed, almost like I had to throw up. I felt very tired and sleepy, so the choice between continuing the festivities past 10:30 pm or collapsing into my warm, comfy bed was a no brainer. I crawled into bed and slept like a stone. I never heard a peep from my cell phone. I awoke the next morning to this gem:

Edgar: Hey.

It looks like he tried to contact me around 11:20 pm the night before, which drove me nuts. I could have been awake for that!!!!! I could have easily slipped into the night with him….we could have even made a run to Reseda for sex! Ughhh!

I took a shower and mulled it over. Should I reply back? It seems desperate…and a tad late. I didn’t care. Maybe Saturday night we could try again? I had to keep the lines of communication open. I had to take the gamble.

Me: I think my phone is cock blocking me. I didn’t get this message until this morning. I wanna see you tonight. I need to suck your dick and fuck your brains out.

My mind was running a mile a minute...what was I feeling? Adrenaline? I pushed myself and sent a second message right after:

me: Also, we should probably finish that bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue before I move out.


I don’t think Edgar is capable of texting me in the daytime. He acts like I only exist after dark. He never replied….I cursed his stupid ass and took off shopping to hide the feelings of loneliness and anger. I bought myself a few cute, cheap tops from Walmart for my Vegas trip. I know shopping doesn’t make the pain go away or the feelings of rejection disappear, but it at least numbs the desire to bash my face in. I can’t stand how worked up I get over Edgar.

I went out drinking that night and once enough alcohol has seeped into my veins and I didn’t feel like a loser, I grabbed my cell and right there in front of the bar, I shot him a message:

Me: Are you gonna let me see that magnificent dick of yours tonight?


Whose chicken shit now, fucker???

It was an eternity and a half until finally I was able to squeeze another monosyllabic answer from him.

Edgar: Maybe.


I rolled my eyes and got another drink. Maybe always means no, at least in my experience in trying to get a guy to come out and play. I agonized the entire night, hiding behind my laughing face. I didn’t feel like dancing. I didn’t feel like even getting up. I just sat and sang along to the music…..wishing Edgar would text me and then just show up. Why can’t he just come here and rescue me? Why can’t he pin me up against the wall and kiss me until I’m breathless? I sigh. I was right. He never called. The bartender announced last call around 1:30 am and by 2 am, I was driving home.

I’ll bet you anything he’ll call this weekend…..but I won’t be here. Ha-ha!!!

Me and my girls will be miles away in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. We’ve rented a sweet little bungalow at the Hooters Casino for two nights. We’re going to stock the mini fridge with booze and snacks and forget our troubles at all the casinos. I can’t wait to feel that warm desert Vegas sunshine on my skin.

And guess who’s going to be there? A one Mister Julio Cesar Rodriguez: my old flame from a few years ago. The boy who was madly in love with me before I even set foot in his native Texas. The boy who would send me silly videos of himself (sometimes with no sound) from his webcam and proclaim his undying love for me. The only guy who begged me to marry him so he could steal me away back to the Lone Star state. The only guy who threatened to impregnate me as a last ditch effort to keep me around….ehhhh, yeah he was a little nuts back then and I soon found out he didn’t really mean all those things...but it was nice being worshipped that summer. He’s toned it down significantly this time around and we have not yet discussed at all what’s going to happen when we see each other. He’s aware Dan and I are on the verge of a separation. Let’s see if Julio will remain a gentleman and not lay a finger on me….or if he lives up to the expectations of all horny 26 year old boys out there and fucks me until the break of dawn. It’s happened before! I know he’s sex starved after being in South Korea teaching English for the last 2 years. I want to let him know my body is willing, ready and able. I want him to do his worst.

And if that doesn’t pan out, I know his friend Josh will be up for some play. He seems to be the most excited to see me again after all these years. This comment made me smile when I posted on FB about the impending trip:

"Vegas baby, the way it should aways be you, me, and julio!!!"


Sounds like I could probably handle a threesome. HAHAHH!

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