Simple as this: I'm in love with the risk. I know what I've done, but tell me what did I miss?

I try to be good, I really do. But temptation has my cell number permanently emblazoned in his back pocket.

My life is in a giant upheaval at the moment. My family has decided to move out of my beloved Whittier and move closer to Downtown and East L.A. We have found a spacious and well-priced apartment in the city of Montebello. I am very glad to be moving closer to my job and all of my friends. I am not glad that I now have to quickly find a home for my two cats Susie and Blackie. (sigh) But such is life, right? There have been many tears shed and nerves put on edge with this move; some of us don’t want to leave and some of us do. We should know this week if we got the apartment and then begin to move out of Whittier within the next two weeks. This might put a damper on my birthday celebrations. Argh.

I was curled up in my warm blankets, deep in thought about the future of my life and how this big change was going to affect it. I was also doing my best to fend off the early winter cold when I hear my phone go off at exactly 11:11 pm. Reluctantly, I peeled myself out of bed and glanced at the caller ID.

Edgar. Holy motherfucker.

11:11 is a special hour for me: I always make a wish when I see it. I swear sometimes the way things happen, it’s like I will them to occur this way. I didn’t wish for this, though.

My motto lately has been “don’t do it.” Don’t text Danny so much anymore and set up dates and especially don’t pick up the phone when Edgar calls you. I could hear my friends screaming at me, “DON’T MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE TO HIM!!!” My fingers ached to reject his call. I could feel my thumb hovering over the “ignore” button.

But I’m weak. I lack will power. I am devoid of self-restraint. There I was, bleary eyed and in my pajamas. All I wanted was to drift off to sleep but now here’s Edgar at 11 o’clock at night and suddenly I can smell his cologne and feel his fingers gripping on my waist.

I pick up. Ugh.

Before I can even start kicking myself for being so irresolute, I dive into a pleasant conversation with the boy wonder of law school. He asks how I’m doing and what’s going on in my life, so naturally I tell him about the move to Montebello. He asks exactly what streets and I reply, “Washington and Greenwood” to which he responds with a hint of surprise, “Oh very nice. I know exactly where that is.” He lives in Commerce which is one of the adjacent cities. I have unknowingly encroached even further into his territory. Score.

I like to keep him on his toes, keep him guessing what I’ll say next. I am blunt and inquire as to what I owe this phone call so late at night. He feigns like he’s offended or something: “What? A guy can’t just call a pretty girl he likes? I’ve just been thinking about you and I wanted to hear your voice.” Oh, he knows how to pour it on; he knows EXACTLY what to say to keep me on the line. I swallow each line, wholesale. Suddenly, I'm a glutton for compliments. I crave to hear him say more lovely things about me. Is it any wonder I can’t stop myself from taking his calls? I throw another volley and say I’ve been thinking about him, too. I’ve now been reduced into a starry-eyed teenager. Each string of pretty words (they’re just words, right??) softens my demeanor. I hate him so much.

It’s not long before we start heavily flirting and he asks me what I want for my birthday/Christmas. I lay it on thick and coquettishly reply that I want what he got me last year. He laughs and wonders out loud what that was exactly, “Please tell me. I’m getting older and more feeble-minded; remind me: what exactly did I get for you last year? I believe you had a very specific request.” I feel myself laughing and shivering from the cold in my living room at the same time. We both know what it was: something to the effect of “you, me, a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue and my bed.” We take a stroll down memory lane and relive that cold December night last year when we drank whiskey and fucked like fiends to stay warm. “How many times did we go for it that night?” he asks and I can practically see the smile across his face. I shrug and look away even though I’m on the phone, like I can feel him staring at me, “Oh I don’t know...one...two...three times?” We go further and further into obscene detail, which prompts him to blurt out that he wishes he could fuck me right now. “I remember the last time I saw you. Oh man…” he trails off as I giggle in anticipation to what he will say. “Wasn’t that last month? The night my car got towed and I met Greg Graffin?” I press on, acting like I have no idea what we did that night. He takes the bait and continues on: “That’s it. That’s the night you left with me to say ‘goodnight’ and were gone for like 2 hours” he says with a soft laugh. Ahhh memories.

We loosely make plans to see each other after his finals are done, which should be around the weekend of December 18th. I know I’ll be busy moving and trying to celebrate earlier in the evening with my friends, so I purposely don’t set a thing in stone with him. Besides, he’s always the first to cancel, so I won’t even get excited that he’ll be a true man to his word. He’s a lawyer in training right? Always a liar and always persuasive. He wants to know exactly what I will do to him when I see him in a couple of weeks. I pretend to be shy about it but don’t dare get too graphic for fear someone at my house might hear me. “I want to hear you say it. Come on, make me work for it” he murmurs into the phone. I feel my face flush and softly tell him I will definitely break him in half.

We end our conversation on a bit of a weird note. At one point he says that one day he’ll be coming to me, complaining about his wife and wanting to see me. I wonder if this is a blatant reference to my time spent with him whilst cheating on Danny. I tell him that’s not necessary, that I would never let him make that same kind of mistake. I counter with the fact that we could easily stop all this nonsense about being with other people by just finally dating each other exclusively and being together as a couple. I can already hear shades of hesitation over the phone and he quickly retorts, “Hey if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it right? Isn’t that what we’ve always said?” I agree but suggest that maybe we should upgrade the model and give it a try. We say goodnight soon after and I wish him luck with his finals. He wishes me luck with the move and that’s that.

I don’t get why he acts like he doesn’t want more to do with me, like he isn’t a typical Mexican American boy with a jealous streak. Earlier in the conversation I had joked that I like to keep my friends “happy” as an oblique reference to all the times I’ve gone down on him. He was quick to ask in a half kidding/half serious way whether he should be worried or not that I had used “friend” in the plural sense. I told him there was no need for concern but felt silly for even deeming that with an answer. Hmmm. He also confessed he hoped no other guy would come along and sweep me off my feet. Yup, your average Mexican American boy with a jealous streak and an insecurity that he masks with bravado and wit. He could make his life so much easier but he refuses. I just can’t help him with that. We’re always on two different levels which can only be evened out with feverish hook ups in the middle of the night.

There was no time to sit around and day dream about Edgar at work. I got a call from Dan, not on my cell phone but at my direct line at work. I picked up my office phone and was greeted with a “Hey negro!” Yup, that’s one of Dan’s many odd (and offensive) terms of endearment for me. My favorite is still Chicken McNigger. I ask him what’s going on and he says that his two friends from work (Mike and John) are going to see Tron in 3-D and since they’re taking dates, he wanted to know if I could go with him. Ooooh, a triple date!

Me: Ah, okay. Sure. I’ll go with you so that you’re not the lonely Mr.Cherry.
Dan: Yes well, thank you.
Me: See? There I am saving your social status again.
Dan: Always. Okay, see you on the 17th.
Me: Sure. Just let me know how much I owe you for the movie ticket.
Dan: Nah, don’t worry about it. I got it.
Me: Awwww...you are quite the honey-dripper. See ya.
Dan: Bye.

I’ve got quite the December to remember coming up. BRING IT ON!

There's not enough "fuck you" in the world....

The speed dating thing was a bust. I won't get into details but it's enough to know that not a single person showed up besides me and my friend Reina. We have a strong suspicion the Date & Dash people are a scam and we have already asked our credit card companies to refund our money.

I'm not undateable, right?

Reina and I joked that this is God's way of telling us the best we can do is our respective crummy ex-boyfriends.

Ughhhh. What a blow to my self-esteem this is.

I want to crawl into a hole and die. Melodramatic, yes. But the feeling is warranted. Argh, this sucks so much ass.

This Thanksgiving I will be eating my feelings.

I got society's blood running down my face...

They say the best revenge is to live well.

I am starting to believe that the best revenge is being an amazing lay.

Yeah, I was wrong for complaining about Dan the entire time we lived together and treating him like utter crap...some of it he deserved, some of it he didn't...

But...goddammit, did he have to be so good at boning?

I AM RUINED. I am ruined for every other guy who dates me after him. Many have tried, but none have rivaled his talents.

***

So Dan calls me last week to tell me we FINALLY got our rebate check from AT&T...each of us get $150! I need to come over and cash it since it's in my name. I think it's going to be just another errand but I get a text from Dan that tells me it's going to be much more fun--

Dan: We have the house to ourselves if you wanna get freaky.
Me: You know I'm down!! :)

So I sneak over Saturday night and we fuck around for a good while, which then results in a mind-blowing orgasm that made me laugh in hysterics for the entire duration. Yup...uncontrollable shrieking laughter. It was amazing!! AMAZING, I TELL YOU!

We cash the check, collect our money, hit up 7-11 for some tasty snacks and watch the rest of the Kings vs. Islanders hockey game. Kings end up winning 5-1. We'd like to think our epic boning made that happen.

I am falling ever deeper into the rabbit hole with ol' Danny boy. We are going to be each other's dates for our respective office Christmas parties. I am also taking him to KROQ's Acoustic Christmas if I (God-willing) get tickets. We've got Daniel Tosh's comedy show on Dec. 4th and my birthday celebrations following that.

For two people that broke up, we sure do spend a lot of time together.

I guess the bitterness didn't have to take long to wash itself from our mouths.

I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation...

You know what really bugs me? When I don't hear from Julio in months and months and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he just posts something idiotic on my Facebook wall....

For example, he and I have had a long-standing feud about who is a better late night talk show host: Conan O'Brien or Jay Leno. I, naturally, am a huge fan of Conan and for some inexplicable reason, he likes Jay. The arguments are always in good fun and we never come to a solid conclusion.

Well, he took the opportunity to fuck with me a few days ago and I got very annoyed. We went our usual 6 or 7 rounds on Facebook before I just quit and wrote him an angry message.

me: Also, does this tactic of just coming out of nowhere and arguing with girls work at all? Does this get you chicks? Because I find it incredibly disheartening. Don't alienate your friends. Don't be the boy that pulls on girls hairs just to get a reaction out of them. Be nice. I know you have it in you. :)

Julio: Alienate my friends?? [...], I am sorry, I meant the comment as a total joke, because of the back and forth banter we have had over the past about you liking Conan and me liking Leno. It was not intended for you to take it the wrong way, or for you to think I am insulting or making any kind of argument. Sorry I won't do that again.

Yep, I guess he got caught in the wrong spoke of my menstrual cycle....I would post the conversation we had beforehand on here but it's disappeared off my FB wall...guess Julio removed his post out of embarrassment or something.

I normally don't snap on people like that, much less a guy I've gone out with...but I was just so stressed at work and at home that I finally had to let it out on someone. I read back my message and immediately felt remorse for writing it. I wish I could be more disconnected from my emotions...but I'm not...so of course I sucked it up and wrote a response:

me: Hey...thanks. I really do appreciate it. I feel like the last couple of weeks have been taking a total shit on me and I'm sorry if I lashed out at you.

He never responded back...I didn't expect him to.

Am I too nice sometimes? Anger always feels like a foreign emotion to me...like I have to hide it from everyone. I feel like I can never be visibly upset. That can't be right.

I'm in the mood.....get ready.....

Ahhh, the swirling, drunken antics of Halloween....why can't we dress up in costume and drink huge amounts of liquor all the time?!?!

The weekend came in 2 parts.

Friday night: I went out to a nightclub with my friend Reina and her hugely overweight friend Charlene. I was decked out in my flirty cheerleader outfit and was pleased to see there were no other girls dressed up in my costume. I didn't drink at all, save for a sip from Reina and Charlene's drinks. I parked my butt on the dance floor and partied the night away. I danced with several guys in costume but couldn't keep my eyes off this one hot firefighter guy near the bar. I kept meaning to go over and approach him since he wasn't dancing but my fear got the best of me. At one point, this clumsy dude (not in costume mind you!) asked me to dance with him. I was bored so I went for it. I couldn't tell if he was white or just a light-skinned Mexican. He kept wanting me to drink his beer and was man-handling me while we were dancing. That just made me increasingly upset. Then he tried to kiss me but I dodged him like a ninja. What a dumb-ass. I decided to join my friends again and leave this weirdo. He and his friends tried to get us to dance with them again later in the night but we weren't interested. *sigh* Clubs are NOT the place to find quality guys. It's like the bottom of the hormone-soaked barrel.

Reina made some very good points about my current love woes. She's very skilled at reducing them to short, little mantras that I can repeat to myself.

About Danny: "Stop living in the past."
About Edgar: "He's just not that into you..."
About Julio: "He's scared of strong women."

So she and I arranged to go to "Date and Dash" on the 18th. I am nervous all around! I've never been speed dating so this will be a great, new experience. I hope we meet some quality guys that we can date and not just leave with the overwhelming urge to dash.

Saturday night was the night of my epic Halloween party. I was pretty dead certain that Dan (after a long text conversation) wasn't coming since he refused to take the bus or borrow his parent's car. I still maintained hope that Edgar might pop in at the end. I drowned my hopes and sorrows in drink after drink....then shot after shot. My friends kept me in great spirits and I was glad to see them all in hilarious costumes.

The hottest guy in high school (and also one of the nicest!), Nick Moreno showed up at my party. He came, as usual, with a harem full of girls. Unfortunately, one of them was his girlfriend Evelyn. He did not escape scrutiny and the consensus was that yet again, Nick likes to date unimpressive-looking girls. My friend Sandra told me that I should take it as a compliment that Nick hasn't asked me out yet: I'm obviously not frumpy enough for him! Hahaha! But yeah, I value our friendship and wouldn't want to spoil that by being yet another notch on his belt. Besides, it would be just too weird hooking up with Nick after I've seen him go through dozens of girls over the years. I know his history, I know his tendencies, I watched the guy cheat on a girlfriend back in 2006...I just don't think so.

Still...it would be interesting to kiss a guy with a lip piercing...hmmm...

My phone had to be constantly hidden from me to avoid embarrassing, drunken text conversations. With much stealth and inebriated forethought, I was able to squeeze in a last ditch effort to find out if stupid Edgar would show up.

me: Are u coming tonite?
Edgar: I am wit my study group. I will hit u up when I am done.

I never did hear from him. Asshole.

My consolation prize: having my friend Santana confess that he had a crush on me in high school...and then blurting out loudly that he still liked me. I should've known that was coming...he was the ONLY guy who had RSVP'ed yes on my invitation. Santana then spoiled any chance of advancing with me by drunkenly proclaiming he had AIDS and smoked crystal meth. As suspected, none of those things were true. I confronted him a few days later on Facebook and he was beyond mortified. He had no clue why he said ANY of those things. I didn't bother to find out if the long-standing crush on me was true or not...I'll just pretend it was all an alcohol-fueled word vomit. I guess even guys aren't immune from saying stupid shit while drunk.

Best part of Halloween? Seeing all the crazy pictures the next morning on Facebook. Pity that my exes don't feel like dressing up...lame, lame, lame.

Edgar with one of his "study group" partners...


Thankfully she's too young to be Paul's actual girlfriend...


I did end up meeting with Dan on Thursday night for the Sublime concert at the San Manuel Indian gaming casino...I picked him up at work and we drove non-stop in horrendous traffic to the Indian reservation. I was so glad he didn't fall asleep on the car ride over and that he picked up the tab at dinner. Dating him with no strings attached feels far superior than before when all we ever did was go through the motions and piss each other off. It felt good to hug, kiss and cuddle. I miss that physical affection and wish I didn't have to go so long without it. At one point, I did get frisky during "Garden Grove" and regretted the fact that we didn't get a room at the casino for the night. (sigh) Oh well.

I survived Halloween. Autumn is in full swing. Let's hope things pick up. I need to wean myself off of Dan. I need to erase Edgar's number off my phone. Reina was my voice of reason last night at dinner. She asked if it hurt my feelings that she told me that Ed was "just not that into me." I told her no...that it was actually a very sobering thing to say. I need to work on my will power.

I need to understand that I deserve better than borrowed time and temporary emotions.