My bones and my skin feel the 27 years I just turned a few days ago...my heart and my brain do not. I still feel like a indecisive little girl who is having an ongoing tantrum with my emotions.
I also feel like I'm not getting my way even though I know every single act I have committed has been at my own hands. Isn't this what I wanted? My freedom? My escape?
Sometimes I don't get me. How can I expect someone else to come into my life and just "get it" as well as Dan did?
Ughhhh.
I hope I can believe myself when I say that I will only maintain communication open with Edgar for physical comfort. He brings nothing to the table except soothing my bruised ego. I know there will be nothing else. He chased me down not too long ago--
Edgar: Hey someone's b-day is coming up. I wonder what to get them?
me: Hahaha....I want what I got last year.
Edgar: Well where r u?
me: Nowhere near u I'm afraid. I'm at the movies in Woodland Hills. Won't be in Whittier for like another hour.
Edgar: Well, let me know.
me: For tonight? Or some other night? I'm leaving the Valley.
Edgar: Tonight.
me: Okay, call u when I hit East L.A.
I won't try to romanticize it. We all know the drill, both he and I. It all feels automatic now. We meet at the parking lot of the Starbucks near my house. I slip into his car. We make idle chit chat. I giggle like a moron. He laughs at himself. He pretends not to know how to drive to the darkened street behind the park on Bexley, which I feel we've now been to HUNDREDS of times. I direct him anyway. We make sure not to stop near a street lamp. I take a deep breath and my mind races. He looks at me with those stupid eyes. He sneaks a hand into my pants and I succumb to his clumsy, cold fingers. Once it passes, we greedily move on to him at my hoarse, whispered command. He obediently unzips his jeans. I bow my head. He switches the music. "Wait, wait..." he says and on comes a remix of Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence." I slowly smile...we've done it previously to this song, he remembered? I bury my face in his lap while he pushes on the back of my head. Faster than I expect he finishes, gasping and breathing hard like he's been running a marathon. Strange, slightly uncomfortable conversation follows until he gets a call from his brother or whoever...he drives me back to my car and I get out. We say goodnight, kiss like drowning lovers and go our separate ways. Done. Nothing too different, pretty much the same.
The only thing I liked was the sight of my right hand pressed against his driver side window...he reached for it and we locked fingers. Beautiful. But too brief. I pulled away...he doesn't mean it.
Dan and I are supposed to meet on the 26th to exchange Christmas presents. I have a hunch I'll be a lot happier during that.
Speaking of which, I mailed Alfonso a Christmas card a few days ago. If I hear no response, he's dead to me. I have to let him go.
It seems I have a lot of things to "let go" before the New Year.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Last Christmas I gave you my heart....
I think the holidays are making me more sentimental...
Or is it the fact that I’m turning 27 in about 8 days and I’m feeling super reflective..?
And then there’s the approaching New Year which now seems rife with change and new beginnings...
Most of the weekend was spent in the company of Dan. He maneuvered himself well around my co-workers on Friday at my company’s Christmas party and we had a great time drinking like crazy. Saturday was even more fun as we did some light holiday shopping and enjoyed a great concert at the Gibson. I remember the pang of having to say goodnight and not being able to fall asleep next to each other. How could I miss something I used to loathe? Nothing ever makes sense anymore...
We keep making plans to hang out...and I won’t lie; I really do look forward to them. I feel like giving him up made me realize I shouldn’t have done that in the first place. It’s like drowning in guilt wasn’t enough...now I get to drown in regret.
Fitting punishment, I suppose.
It’s a shame because we really look good together...
this last one was taken at Dan's company Christmas party...his iPhone made us look so much more tanner.
***
Okay, so I said I was over Alfonso which meant I would stop posting every little stupid thing about him...and for a minute there I thought he was dead since he had ceased commenting and posting on FB for like the past 3 months. But thank goodness for his growing crop of spirited female friends who keep wondering why he’s been silent. It sounds like he has since left his job as a mental health associate at Arbour Hospital and is now working elsewhere. Where? I have no clue. But times can’t be too tough since a girl named Amy (blah!) has posted pictures of him from her “Wine and Cheese” party. He looks amazing.
Of course I cropped out the stupid girl he’s smiling at...cuz I’m horribly jealous and insecure like that.
Let it be known I do not like wine or the fancy cheeses that go with wine. But I would sit there and stuff my face in a $200 dress if it made him happy. No, I would crawl on my hands and knees from here to Boston just so I could lick the stinky French cheese off his fingertips and taste the sour wine off his lips. I would swallow the most foul smelling brie cheese and wash it down with the world’s equally most stale, cheap wine if it meant he’d look at me like that.
Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating.
I think I’m going to mail him a Christmas/birthday card. I think I’m going to tell him everything. I think I’m going to embarrass myself horribly. Cheers!
Or is it the fact that I’m turning 27 in about 8 days and I’m feeling super reflective..?
And then there’s the approaching New Year which now seems rife with change and new beginnings...
Most of the weekend was spent in the company of Dan. He maneuvered himself well around my co-workers on Friday at my company’s Christmas party and we had a great time drinking like crazy. Saturday was even more fun as we did some light holiday shopping and enjoyed a great concert at the Gibson. I remember the pang of having to say goodnight and not being able to fall asleep next to each other. How could I miss something I used to loathe? Nothing ever makes sense anymore...
We keep making plans to hang out...and I won’t lie; I really do look forward to them. I feel like giving him up made me realize I shouldn’t have done that in the first place. It’s like drowning in guilt wasn’t enough...now I get to drown in regret.
Fitting punishment, I suppose.
It’s a shame because we really look good together...
this last one was taken at Dan's company Christmas party...his iPhone made us look so much more tanner.
***
Okay, so I said I was over Alfonso which meant I would stop posting every little stupid thing about him...and for a minute there I thought he was dead since he had ceased commenting and posting on FB for like the past 3 months. But thank goodness for his growing crop of spirited female friends who keep wondering why he’s been silent. It sounds like he has since left his job as a mental health associate at Arbour Hospital and is now working elsewhere. Where? I have no clue. But times can’t be too tough since a girl named Amy (blah!) has posted pictures of him from her “Wine and Cheese” party. He looks amazing.
Of course I cropped out the stupid girl he’s smiling at...cuz I’m horribly jealous and insecure like that.
Let it be known I do not like wine or the fancy cheeses that go with wine. But I would sit there and stuff my face in a $200 dress if it made him happy. No, I would crawl on my hands and knees from here to Boston just so I could lick the stinky French cheese off his fingertips and taste the sour wine off his lips. I would swallow the most foul smelling brie cheese and wash it down with the world’s equally most stale, cheap wine if it meant he’d look at me like that.
Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating.
I think I’m going to mail him a Christmas/birthday card. I think I’m going to tell him everything. I think I’m going to embarrass myself horribly. Cheers!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The road to you is paved right through with bloody good intentions...
It’s very strange how this whole dating situation with Dan is like reverse psychology. The more I told myself to stay away, the more I wanted to be around him. It’s like my brain says DON’T TEXT HIM then my heart says BUT YOU STILL LOVE HIM and then my vagina says DUDE, YOU SHOULD FUCK.
Dan and I get along a whole lot better now that we’re broken up. No fighting, no squabbling about stupid things, no boredom, just fun and reckless abandon. It’s like the moment we separated, the air cleared up and I no longer hated him. How can separation fix things?
Well, it doesn’t.
Being apart allows us not to deal with the important, nitty-gritty adult stuff that makes a couple stronger. I think now we’re just really goofing off with each other, wasting time and proactively not evolving into a stronger unit.
Heh. I said unit.
I think sticking to the superficial, fun stuff is what will allow me to keep him as just a “friend with benefits.” Though I am afraid the more I scream at myself silently to keep him as a hook up, the more I will grow to miss him as a boyfriend. We’re already treading in relationship territory again. More on that later...but first a message from your favorite old school punkers...
Dead Kennedy’s on Friday night was fucking sick. Glad my best friend Lauren could come and join me. I think I fell in love with punk music again.
I sucked down about 4 overpriced alcoholic drinks. Somewhere toward the end of my last Cap Codder and fending off perverted old geezers, I rediscovered my cell phone and did what I do best--
Me: The Dead Kennedys have been non-stop insanity...you missed a helluva show.
Edgar: I am sitting in the lib. Fuck this sucks. So tired, bet the show rocked.
Me: Dude, “Viva Las Vegas” cover...my God. This is unreal.
Edgar: Who did you go with?
Me: Lauren was my date. Just launched into “Holiday in Cambodia” Fuckkk.
Edgar: Well, I am living vicarious through you right now.
Me: Excellent. I like that. Good luck with finals!!!
Why is it that I can only text him with courage when I’m drunk? This is why my phone needs to be confiscated after 3+ drinks. I am not kidding.
So, Dan and I swiftly drifted back into familiar waters this past week. Saturday night he and I went to see comedian Daniel Tosh. We had dinner at Tommy’s, laughed our asses off during Tosh’s set, made out in my car and then proceeded to hook up. Plenty of third base action, which is never unwelcome. Sigh!
You’d think we’d stop there...but then I got all dolled up and joined Dan at his company’s annual Christmas party in Malibu. One weird thing that happened: as I was frantically getting ready, I found a wallet sized photo in one of my shoe boxes of Dan and I at our winter formal back in high school. We were so skinny back then! I showed it him and he just laughed, fondly remembering when he was 17 years old and about a hundred pounds lighter. The party was boring as all shit and I though I had asked Dan to not to introduce me as his “friend” he never made an effort to introduce me at all. I ended up having to shake everyone’s hand and tell them my name. Dan just kind of stood there, mute. That pretty much sums up our relationship, if you think about it.
Dan will be my date this Friday night for my company’s Christmas party. You can be damn sure I will do a far better job at re-introducing him to all my co-workers. He and I are also off to see a bunch of cool bands at KROQ’s Almost Acoustic Christmas this coming Saturday night. Dating him post break-up is starting to sound like an addiction.
I guess that’s good, right? Get over one person by getting under another...but can it be the same person?!?
Dan and I get along a whole lot better now that we’re broken up. No fighting, no squabbling about stupid things, no boredom, just fun and reckless abandon. It’s like the moment we separated, the air cleared up and I no longer hated him. How can separation fix things?
Well, it doesn’t.
Being apart allows us not to deal with the important, nitty-gritty adult stuff that makes a couple stronger. I think now we’re just really goofing off with each other, wasting time and proactively not evolving into a stronger unit.
Heh. I said unit.
I think sticking to the superficial, fun stuff is what will allow me to keep him as just a “friend with benefits.” Though I am afraid the more I scream at myself silently to keep him as a hook up, the more I will grow to miss him as a boyfriend. We’re already treading in relationship territory again. More on that later...but first a message from your favorite old school punkers...
Dead Kennedy’s on Friday night was fucking sick. Glad my best friend Lauren could come and join me. I think I fell in love with punk music again.
I sucked down about 4 overpriced alcoholic drinks. Somewhere toward the end of my last Cap Codder and fending off perverted old geezers, I rediscovered my cell phone and did what I do best--
Me: The Dead Kennedys have been non-stop insanity...you missed a helluva show.
Edgar: I am sitting in the lib. Fuck this sucks. So tired, bet the show rocked.
Me: Dude, “Viva Las Vegas” cover...my God. This is unreal.
Edgar: Who did you go with?
Me: Lauren was my date. Just launched into “Holiday in Cambodia” Fuckkk.
Edgar: Well, I am living vicarious through you right now.
Me: Excellent. I like that. Good luck with finals!!!
Why is it that I can only text him with courage when I’m drunk? This is why my phone needs to be confiscated after 3+ drinks. I am not kidding.
So, Dan and I swiftly drifted back into familiar waters this past week. Saturday night he and I went to see comedian Daniel Tosh. We had dinner at Tommy’s, laughed our asses off during Tosh’s set, made out in my car and then proceeded to hook up. Plenty of third base action, which is never unwelcome. Sigh!
You’d think we’d stop there...but then I got all dolled up and joined Dan at his company’s annual Christmas party in Malibu. One weird thing that happened: as I was frantically getting ready, I found a wallet sized photo in one of my shoe boxes of Dan and I at our winter formal back in high school. We were so skinny back then! I showed it him and he just laughed, fondly remembering when he was 17 years old and about a hundred pounds lighter. The party was boring as all shit and I though I had asked Dan to not to introduce me as his “friend” he never made an effort to introduce me at all. I ended up having to shake everyone’s hand and tell them my name. Dan just kind of stood there, mute. That pretty much sums up our relationship, if you think about it.
Dan will be my date this Friday night for my company’s Christmas party. You can be damn sure I will do a far better job at re-introducing him to all my co-workers. He and I are also off to see a bunch of cool bands at KROQ’s Almost Acoustic Christmas this coming Saturday night. Dating him post break-up is starting to sound like an addiction.
I guess that’s good, right? Get over one person by getting under another...but can it be the same person?!?
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