My bones and my skin feel the 27 years I just turned a few days ago...my heart and my brain do not. I still feel like a indecisive little girl who is having an ongoing tantrum with my emotions.
I also feel like I'm not getting my way even though I know every single act I have committed has been at my own hands. Isn't this what I wanted? My freedom? My escape?
Sometimes I don't get me. How can I expect someone else to come into my life and just "get it" as well as Dan did?
Ughhhh.
I hope I can believe myself when I say that I will only maintain communication open with Edgar for physical comfort. He brings nothing to the table except soothing my bruised ego. I know there will be nothing else. He chased me down not too long ago--
Edgar: Hey someone's b-day is coming up. I wonder what to get them?
me: Hahaha....I want what I got last year.
Edgar: Well where r u?
me: Nowhere near u I'm afraid. I'm at the movies in Woodland Hills. Won't be in Whittier for like another hour.
Edgar: Well, let me know.
me: For tonight? Or some other night? I'm leaving the Valley.
Edgar: Tonight.
me: Okay, call u when I hit East L.A.
I won't try to romanticize it. We all know the drill, both he and I. It all feels automatic now. We meet at the parking lot of the Starbucks near my house. I slip into his car. We make idle chit chat. I giggle like a moron. He laughs at himself. He pretends not to know how to drive to the darkened street behind the park on Bexley, which I feel we've now been to HUNDREDS of times. I direct him anyway. We make sure not to stop near a street lamp. I take a deep breath and my mind races. He looks at me with those stupid eyes. He sneaks a hand into my pants and I succumb to his clumsy, cold fingers. Once it passes, we greedily move on to him at my hoarse, whispered command. He obediently unzips his jeans. I bow my head. He switches the music. "Wait, wait..." he says and on comes a remix of Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence." I slowly smile...we've done it previously to this song, he remembered? I bury my face in his lap while he pushes on the back of my head. Faster than I expect he finishes, gasping and breathing hard like he's been running a marathon. Strange, slightly uncomfortable conversation follows until he gets a call from his brother or whoever...he drives me back to my car and I get out. We say goodnight, kiss like drowning lovers and go our separate ways. Done. Nothing too different, pretty much the same.
The only thing I liked was the sight of my right hand pressed against his driver side window...he reached for it and we locked fingers. Beautiful. But too brief. I pulled away...he doesn't mean it.
Dan and I are supposed to meet on the 26th to exchange Christmas presents. I have a hunch I'll be a lot happier during that.
Speaking of which, I mailed Alfonso a Christmas card a few days ago. If I hear no response, he's dead to me. I have to let him go.
It seems I have a lot of things to "let go" before the New Year.
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