Missing you is like kissing cyanide...

Winter is in full swing and here's my revelation for the new year:

I am still in love with Dan.

It's a love that is bigger than me, stronger than anything I could ever imagine and it is now the most persistent thought in my head. I don't know what to do with it other than just let it all out.

That's about exactly what I did a few days as Dan and I exchanged presents. I couldn't hold it back anymore and I just blurted every little thing that had been welling up inside my heart.

I apologized for how I treated him. I explained as best I could why I exactly I wanted to get away from him. I told him I was wrong for doing it. And I told him I still loved him immensely....and could we give it a second try? (Or third? whatever)...

He didn't say anything. Just sat there, nodding and listening. Once I had expelled every frantic, love-stricken thought and cried a dozen days worth of tears, he looked at me and said "Well, it's getting late and you probably need to get home." I didn't demand anything. I agreed and we parted ways. I knew we couldn't hammer it all out in one night...he said he needed time to mull it over and think about what I had said. I was grateful for it and left for home.

I didn't think he'd want anything to do with me that entire week but instead we made plans to see Less Than Jake in February. Then we met up this past Saturday night for dinner. I felt so at ease, so happy, so wonderfully lucky and carefree. Everything just felt right, like this is where I truly belong.

Joni Mitchell was right, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?" Painfully, this is now the story of my life.

When we said goodnight, I asked if he had given any thought to what I had said the previous weekend. He said he had and had begun writing again because of it. I told him we'd speak about it later....it was late and he had to use the restroom.

I am a little terrified of what he might say. If he rejects me....I don't know what I'll do with myself at that point. I'm very resilient...but that might be a blow too big to bear. I guess I won't know until it happens.

If he accepts me, it will certainly be a long road to recovery. So many things about me need to change. So many things about him need to change, too. But most importantly, so much between us has to definitely change. We can't keep doing things as a couple like we used to. I just keep telling myself that those would be positive changes...

You must think I'm crazy...after all the complaints, squabbling and the utter catastrophe of the break up...here I am fighting to get my "worst enemy" back...but I don't think I'm crazy. I am sticking up for the love of my life, the greatest thing that's every happened to me.

I once told Dan many years ago, "Nothing easy is ever worth having." I am taking my own advice for once. I remain hopeful. I will do my best not to be so pragmatic about all this, as I always am....I am letting my heart lead.