I am embarking on a dating experiment that will likely result in one or all parties having their heart broken. I can already sense the leading victim will be me..isn’t it always?
Flashback to last Friday: my friend Lauren and I decided to celebrate the acquisition of my new home in East L.A. with a trip to Das Bunker, a Friday-night-only type of deal at this club where they only play industrial music. Dan had expressed somewhat of a desire to go and so when I asked him, I was glad he agreed to (of course with some push and prodding). We had been hanging out as a couple the last couple of weekends with Lauren and Mike, so this felt like a totally normal thing to do. It should be known that the four of us hanging out always looks like an “enablers club”, as each of us couples have broken up and gotten back together more times than we’d like to remember. In a weird way, I feel as though Mike and Lauren understand our situation and won’t judge us. I guess we’re all addicted in a way...
Amid all the weirdly dressed people, there we were: two couples on a double date, dancing the night away and consuming large amounts of alcohol. It felt like coming back home as Dan and I sat side by side on a cushioned couch, watching a stripper work her way up and down the pole. Okay, so THAT was surreal...but in a good way. I think it’s kind of cool that Das Bunker encourages stripper pole use among their patrons. Dan and I agreed at the end of the night that we would definitely go back.
On the ride home we talked about a little bit of everything. Dan was already starting to slur his speech and nod off, which is no surprise to me since he drank copious amounts of liquor and it was way past his bedtime. I knew I had to spring into action before he fell asleep. Since I had him cornered in my car, I asked him point-blank what was going and what was his final decision about us, did he want to get back together? Well, the answer I got wasn’t what I was hoping. After much cajoling, he said he didn’t want to say anything or put any labels on us for fear that branding us as a couple again would lead us right back to the arguments, the fighting and the breaking up. He said he didn’t like how black and white I made it all seem. He felt he liked this situation better, free of labels and status changes, where we just go out for a good time, have sex and don’t complicate it any further. He even told me that he’s not looking for a relationship and even if another girl came along, he would tell her the same thing. Well, as you can imagine, I was not visibly or emotionally pleased. I felt the tears start to stream down my cheeks as I gripped my steering wheel. I blurted it out that I missed him and loved him so much, that I would ALWAYS want more with him and that my plans with him didn’t include just “hanging out” forever. I still want to get married, get a house and have children. I can’t do that under these loose rules or with a non-committed relationship. I could tell he didn’t want me to rule him out because he kept insisting that there was nothing wrong with just us being together. And then something nice kind of nice happened as I kept crying. He brushed my hair back and touched my face. I turned to him and he said I was being a silly girl for not realizing he still wanted to be with me. He said I should never think of myself as a “booty call” or “fuck buddy.” Not anymore, at least. He then told me he loved me very much, too and that I was beautiful, which I had not heard in MONTHS. It actually felt like years since the last time I heard him say those kind of things. I blame it on the fact that he was obviously a little drunk. Alcohol (and lots of it) is Dan’s truth serum. He then began to tell me how much he liked having sex with me and all that other stuff that I’m a little too embarrassed to repeat. We both agreed that the sex was never the problem, so why give it up? At the very end there as the conversation deteriorated into a laundry list of sexual deeds that we needed to keep doing, I told him I was serious about having a baby. He’s the only guy I’ve ever considered having a kid with (both in a good and bad light). He agreed that if by 32 neither one of us has a kid, Dan will gladly knock me up. He was very excited at the prospect of our “super smart” child.
I let him go at that point and told him to get to bed. I knew he had to pee really bad and had already developed a massive erection during our sex talk. I joked that I was rubbing his magic lamp through his pants to which he replied that his penis really only grants one wish. I laughed like an idiot and kissed him goodbye.
(sigh) Did I solve anything? Ehhh, kinda. I now have the information to make a decision. I know where he stands. I don’t mind dating Dan and keeping it fun but now I won’t fool myself into thinking he wants more than just a casual girlfriend. I won’t allow myself to be strung along. And I won’t hesitate to drop him the split second I find a guy who truly wants to be committed to me.
Speaking of which…..
I tried to shake Jay off by telling him it was unfair to keep talking to him if I was in love with someone else. He didn’t take it well and spent a good half hour trying to convince me that Dan is not the right guy for me. He poured his little heart out to me but I could care less. I wanted to get rid of him! I ended our conversation on a vague note, explaining that I needed more time to think. That meant I didn’t speak or text Jay all weekend. But by Monday, I caved (more because of guilt) and called him. I missed talking to someone and I felt really shitty ignoring him since my #1 complaint with guys is that they ignore me all the time. I resumed communication with Jay and things are peachy. I expect nothing from him and I have no real intention of taking things any further. I shamelessly only like having him around because he makes me feel better about myself and he keeps me company every night. I told Jay about Dan’s revelation and that did not sit well, either. He insisted that Dan was lying and he only wants a friend with benefits with no strings attached. (shrugs) He can think whatever he wants; ultimately it’s my decision and my heartbreak right? Jay doesn’t know shit.
The experiment I alluded to earlier is all this: keep Dan around for the physical comfort and companionship while Jay would serve as a distraction. Even on paper, this seems like a terrible idea and everyone involved could stand to have their heart broken, but I don’t know what else to do about it. Dan’s not going to change and Jay isn’t going to magically become all sophisticated over night. I am done trying to get boys to change. I am done kissing toads and hoping the next one will be the “right” one. We’ll see how long I can keep this wacky tandem up before I become emotionally exhausted. Or find the man of my dreams. I know he’s out there. And when I do find him, I know I won’t need to nit-pick him apart and compartmentalize his attributes. I know that when I find the perfect guy for me, there won’t be anymore silly games: it will all feel right.
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