Could you be the devil? Could you be an angel?

I'm getting too old and spread too thin to keep this 3 guy juggle up.

Been on several dates with Mike and though it's been awesome we just hit the ground running (dinner dates, brunch, bowling, movies, etc.), I knew eventually the proverbial "other shoe" would have to drop...and it happened at the conclusion of recent lunch date on Saturday afternoon.

He confessed that only a few days prior to our first meeting more than a month ago, he had just had a big falling out with the girl he was in love with. He said the experience had definitely left him devastated, scarred and uneasy to try anything romantic. Basically, he wants to keep seeing me but he doesn't want to engage in the whole "dating" thing which I can only surmise means the physical aspect of the relationship. He wants time to be alone, to be himself and figure out what's going on. He made it clear he doesn't want to kiss or anything like that. Weird. But I gotta respect the guy for actually telling me and not waiting 6 weeks or several months down the line. The conversation was a little awkward and though I expressed to him I was a little disappointed, I agreed to keep hanging out. I don't want to lose this kid; not because I want another "friend"...but because he's genuinely a cool guy and I think that further down the line when he gets himself situated, he could be awesome boyfriend material. But don't think I'm gonna hold my breath and wait...

No....when have I ever just sat around and waited? I always look for a pretty distraction.

After my beloved LA Kings managed to stay alive another game in the Stanley Cup playoffs, my friends and I took off to a birthday celebration in Lakewood...free alcohol and good music? How could we pass that up?

The only hiccup in my plan was that Dan had tagged along to the party since he had been watching hockey with us earlier in the day. Unfortunately for me, that meant that he'd be running into Shawn, the idiot I had tried to date a couple of months ago who had resoundingly ignored me. Uhhhh ohhhh.

Now I wasn't in the happiest of moods with Dan. He had been more annoying than usual when we were figuring out the directions to the party. On top of that, during dinner he had remarked quite proudly to my friends that he liked the idea of a couple being "married forever" as it's dictated in the Mormon religion. I almost stabbed him with a fork. How could he express any admiration for deep, long time commitment when he couldn't even work with the temporary one he had with me? He had never even TRIED to make a move to marry me and now all of a sudden he's a proponent of marriage?! Fuck him.

So there I am in the kitchen of the party house, ready to grab a red frat boy cup filled with Johnnie Walker Black Label and Coke, when I see Shawn and his stupid friend Jeff. Ahhh, the dynamic duo who both have done a fine job of blowing off me and my pal Sandy. The double date fiasco continues to have a ripple effect on our lives and this is now the SECOND time we've run into them. I grip my cup and smile at Shawn, "Hi there!" I melt in his arms as he hugs me. What the fuck am I gonna do??

Once all the introductions have died down, I manage to get Dan alone. I whisper to him hastily to make himself scarce as I'm still on the hunt to land Shawn. He doesn't take the news well and makes it incredibly obvious he's the odd man out by standing outside, drinking alone in the backyard while the rest of us talk in a big circle. I flirt with Shawn heavily for a few minutes before I can no longer stand it: Dan is just standing against the concrete wall of the backyard, looking like the loneliest man in the world. IT'S DISTRACTING, but in a heartbreaking way. I notice a couple of people stop to chat him up but he makes no move to join the rest of the group. Ughhhh....now I feel terrible I even said anything. Shawn leans into my ear and asks who Dan is. I tell him he's just a friend. He doesn't seem convinced but accepts it anyway.

Shawn leaves to get another beer and I try to wrangle Dan so he can at least join the group of us and talk to our other friends. He makes me feel guilty and is visibly upset at me, but just hides it with his sarcasm. Why does he always have to be so difficult?! Finally I get him to budge and he joins the big group of friends.

The night wears on and as everyone gets drunker, the music gets louder. The boys get sillier and they're in the patio area, chugging beers and showing off their underwear. I notice both Jeff and Shawn are wearing identical pairs of black Calvin Kleins. I can't stop laughing. I shouldn't have had that second Jack and Coke. Oh man, the moment I caught sight of Shawn's lower belly and the waistband of his boxer briefs peeking over his jeans and belt...God, I could've dropped to my knees and sucked him off RIGHT THERE.

The party ended after two police busts and a noise violation ticket for the birthday boy. It's almost 2 in the morning and we all start to shake off the cold. Time to go home. Jeff asks if we want to come back to Shawn's place and smoke some weed? Uh, fuck yeah we do. I shepherd my very inebriated friend Sandy back to her car, take her keys and we follow the boys. Dan sits in the backseat and Sandy slumps in the passenger side. We're really gonna do this.

We arrive in rain slicked Seal Beach. Shawn wasn't kidding about his apartment. It overlooks the ocean and the balcony area is very cute, kinda 1950s surfer style. The inside of his apartment reminds me of a beach cabana. I'm a little jealous...

Everyone except Shawn and I smoke a little weed. I sit uncomfortably between Sandy and Dan on the couch as they pass the pipe around. I keep my eyes glued on the TV screen, watching the night's hockey highlights as I steal glances at Shawn. God, if Dan wasn't here and Jeff's brother Kenny wasn't passed out in Jeff's truck, I could be fucking Shawn right now. Once the weed is smoked, everyone abruptly gets up to leave. I notice it's past 3 in the morning and I have to be up for Easter Mass in like 6 hours. Ughhhh....I gotta get some fun out of this very weird night.

We quietly tip-toe to our cars through the dark garden pathway of Shawn's apartment. Shawn and I lag behind the rest of the group and linger a little in the narrow, darkened pathway. I reach back for him as he walks close behind me and before I step out into the sidewalk, I turn to him. "What's the matter with you?" I breathe as he surprises me with a barrage of well-placed kisses. I don't want to stop kissing him!! I stand on my tippy-toes (just like last time, with my hands resting on his shoulders), relishing every feverish, soft kiss. His tongue is by far the sweetest thing I've felt in my mouth. Now I kind of know why people say time stops still when you're with someone. I know I have to get back to my friends who are now across the street and waiting for us, but all I can think about is how great kissing Shawn feels. I pull away and giggle: "You need to call me!" He promises he will. All I can do is laugh....liar.

We all say goodbye and Shawn squeezes me in another hug, again promising he'll call me. The drive home is kinda solemn. Sandy worries she was too drunk and acted a fool in front of Jeff. Dan reassures her she was fine and gives us a little bit of the male perspective. I listen to them both chatter their marijuana-infused dialogue as I strain to stay focused. I'm in a strange part of town and the rain is making it very difficult to see. Also, driving someone else's car is always weird. Plus, I'm all frazzled from making out with Shawn, my mind is elsewhere. Dan notices my giddy, distracted state and loudly makes a comment that I was all over Shawn and very obvious about it. Dan says that Shawn is obviously not interested in me. I really wish he'd shut up. I need to stop inviting him to hang out with my friends.

I drop off Sandy and then I take Dan home. I do my best to try and apologize for telling him to get lost earlier at the party but he's not so eager to take my apology. He says I owe him for that. (sigh) Whatever...in the end I'm not even that sorry for doing it. I'm glad I at least got a nice memory of Shawn and hope I can do more than just kiss him. I have no interest in dating him, I just want to bed him. The challenge has been accepted. I text him before I sleep like the dead:

Me: Just so you know, we didn't die. Everyone got home safe.
Shawn: Ok that's good to know. Have a good night.

So now I have a guy that wants to date me but not be physical with me, a guy who wants to be physical with me but doesn't want to date me and a guy who won't do either, but doesn't mind the occasional make out. I really, really, really need to whittle down my options. In my quest to serve up a variety of boys to choose from, I still walk away unsatisfied. Time to erase these options and start over with a clean slate.