What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way..

That's it! THAT'S FUCKING IT! I GIVE UP!!

Imagine I am throwing my arms up into the air. I completely and totally feel like giving up right now. I cannot seem to get this to work.

The night before Mike's birthday party, I posted an inane status update that for some reason or another, motivated Ryan enough to "like." I must have stared at this for hours:

My mom updates me on the exploits of the neighborhood cats as if it were a Spanish telenovela I was missing out on.

• Ryan Lopez likes this.

So good sign? He's coming? Can I reap my benefits from our skewed friendship?

Next morning, I see we're both online and posting 80s music suggestion for Mike's party. I can't resist. I don't want to twist in the wind.

Me: you going to mike's party tonite?
Ryan: i might. but im on a sick budget. my check for this week sucks because of the slashed hours. i have to live like the dalai llama.

I said nothing and continued on my way.

Saturday night FINALLY COMES...I am pacing myself with some whiskey and Coke at Mike's birthday party. I don't want to be too smashed too soon, in case Ryan does slink in.

8 pm. Nothing. 9 pm. Nothing. 10 pm. Oh fuck, really?

Me: Hey Dalai Lama, are u coming? You don't have to spend any cash...plenty of food and drinks...and Mike is getting drunker by the second.
Ryan: I wish. Gotta ration gas. Its that bad this week :(
Me: You shoulda asked me to pick ur ass up. Carpool!!!
Ryan: Damn! I was just sulking in a marijuana haze. Haha.
Me: Hee hee....I can come over later...if u want.
Ryan: Gas mask required.
Me: Is that a yes? I can be there after midnight.
Ryan: I ate chili beans, pizza and bass pale ale haha
Me: Haha...u are so high. I will try u later.
Ryan: I would say come over but I have to be up early.
Me: Boooo...alright. Nite nite.
Ryan: Plus, I was hinting at the fact I have horrible gas right now as well, hence the food and mask references hahahah
Me: I thought u meant gas mask, like copious weed being smoked! And then rattling off food, like I have the munchies haha...

Alright, so that was gross and TMI. Once I knew the deal wouldn't be sealed in Echo Park, I resigned myself to whiskey and weed. I smoked a little and chomped down a chocolate edible. At around midnight, I was starting to set sail. At about 12:35 am, I have no business driving anywhere when lo and behold, a text from our favorite adulterer.

Rob: Hey what up lady...in your neighborhood...

I must have cringed, frowned and faked throwing my phone on the ground all at the same time. REALLY??! REALLY!?!? NOW?? YOU FUCKING DECIDE NOW IS A GOOD TIME?!?!

In my THC-infused high, I do my best to reply with all the anger and vitriol brewing inside me....but I can't. I almost want to cry, this is just so stupid. He wants to see me. He's willing to wait and he's given me the name of the bar he's at. But I can't....I can't....it's unsafe for me to drive as I start to feel my arms and legs go warm. My fingers tremble as I text. And most importantly, he has a girlfriend. She's out of town, yes....but Rob is not mine to have. Even as stoned as I was, I knew the right thing to do. I declined his offer and tried to enjoy the rest of my high but it was no use. I was super bummed as all hell with only my dearest bestie Lauren to comfort me. I go to bed around 3 am in Mike's spare bedroom. I had an epiphany as I brushed my teeth:

"God is preventing you from ruining Rob and Sunny's relationship. You're not supposed to meddle in their affairs. You are not allowed. This is not for you."

The next morning, I'm sober but groggy as hell. Rob texts me around 1 pm. He's asking how I'm feeling. I cut to the chase and tell him to man up. So you wanna see me so bad? Then make it fucking happen tonight. LET'S TEMPT FATE! LET'S DISOBEY GOD!

But no. Again, he has a wealth of excuses. He does paint a pretty picture of what it would be like:

Rob: I wanna go down on you...I want you to orgasm twice even before I'm inside you....

This is not for you, my mind thunders. THIS IS NOT YOURS TO HAVE. THIS IS WRONG!!!

I put it out of my mind...despite how much it hurts. I already know this song and dance. He's taken me down this road before and I keep falling for it. Get behind me Satan. Get out of my way.

So I give up. I give up. I am only just a plan B for these idiots. I'm just trash they crumple up and thrown away. And I am sick of it. SICK OF IT.

Ryan, welcome to the graveyard of lost causes. You were supposed to be different. But you're so fucking "id" and flaky that it's impossible to get you to change. I give up.

Rob, there's a reason you're in the graveyard. You're evil and you suck. Goodbye.

Time to carve a new niche.