I wanna shut down the club with you...

There are nights when I truly and sincerely wish that I could take everything I see, feel, hear, smell and taste.....and just immediately translate it to my fingers so it can all be typed out here. I want to relive every single second. I want a snapshot of these amazing moments. I want to know it's all true, that my love life has redeemed itself. That I was pleasantly proved wrong. That things took a turn for the better. That I was given a wide open opportunity and that the battle, the war....the fight....my #1 desire is not over. All is not lost.

Nice night on Sunset Blvd. Epic night. That's for sure.

David offered tickets to see Tony Clifton do his bawdy, half-comedy, half-burlesque show on Thursday night. I immediately raised my hand on Facebook. I was going to meet some of David's friends, too since he had invited a few of his peeps to tag along. I was a little nervous but kept reminding myself that I had nothing to fear, after all...we're all friends, right? That didn't stop me from slipping on my fishnet stockings, pulling on a low-cut Tiger Army top, lacing up my "come-fuck-me" Doc Marten boots and strapping on my favorite crucifix necklace. I was a woman on a mission. A she-wolf on the prowl. I was going to reclaim David back to my dark side. You're not going to friend-zone me, champ.

I slide up to the Comedy Store at around 9 sharp and as soon as I fire a text telling David I'm here, he emerges from the shadows with a cigarette in hand. I'm startled, not only because he came out of nowhere like a sexy, Mexican vampire but also because he looks different tonight: he's got a new haircut and is dressed up, clad in all-black....as usual. I instantly smile and lean into a hug. He smells awesome. I chatter like a nervous monkey, never breaking eye-contact. FOCUS.

He introduces me to his friend Bryan, who is an actor of sorts. He's worked with David on a couple of his music videos before. He does commercials now. I get the vibe right away (and I feel it a few times during the course of the night) that Bryan's kinda into me. Eww. He's probably old enough to be my dad. Anyway, David suggests we grab a table and soon I'm introduced to his friend Savannah in the lobby. We all trade awkward hellos and introductions. My name is no longer preceded by "This is my friend..." I show David how to put his iPhone on silent, then sit down as the show quickly starts. Oh boy. Here we go.

I won't begin to explain all the crude and lewd things I saw that night but suffice to say, I laughed my ass off. Some of Tony's jokes are pretty old-school and I knew the punchlines before he could even set them up, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't help blurting them out. This would then cause Bryan and David to start laughing and shake their heads at me in disbelief. Savannah (who looked a lot like Velma from Scooby Doo) didn't find the racist, sexist jokes funny and asked to leave. David gets up and says he's going to try and convince her to come back. I say okay and feel him slide his hand across my back, like he's reassuring me he'll be back. I shiver with delight. Flashback to us at Los Globos, when I pulled almost the exact move on him. Nice. David went after her but to no avail. I didn't shed a tear. I didn't need any more female distractions. Who cares if they're just work friends? I'm going for the jugular.

Halfway through the show David's friend Colin shows up with his best-friend Rob. They're Cal alumni too but a few years younger. They're cool guys and we all proceed to get drunk. Tony Clifton is showing hardcore porn on the big screens, sexy women are dancing in glow-in-the-dark bikinis and we're all howling in laughter. Just as I see a giant black cock go inside Josslyn James gaping vagina, I turn to David and ask if this experience has now made us best friends. He laughs out loud and puts his arm around me. (SWOON). The night gets even crazier. At one point, one of the half-naked girls starts pouring Jack Daniels shots into the mouths of audience members. When she comes across a cute girl, she kisses them. The guys all look at each other and it's funny how they're trying to hide their excitement. I smile to myself. Here we go.

The skanky girl pours some into Bryan's mouth and manages to spill some down the front of his shirt. He's not happy! David opens wide and down goes several splashes of whiskey. Then she does Colin and Rob who can't contain how anxious they are. My turn is next. I know David's looking. I look up and tip my head back like a pro. The whiskey is like water at this point. Then the girl whispers, "Can I kiss you?" I shrug and say sure. Suddenly I've got bubblegum pink lips all over mine. Okay, so I just made out with a hot chick. David is laughing so hard, he's shaking. "Did I just make out with Tony Clifton too? By proxy?" I get a round of high fives. The night is getting weirder by the second. Tony Clifton is berating his stripper girlfriends and singing "Rhinestone Cowboy." I turn to David again, "Just when I think you've taken me into the rabbit hole...we go even deeper." He grins and pulls me close so that our faces are inches from each other. I lose my breath. Oh, it's going to happen. It's coming. My heart skips ten beats in a row.

It's the end of the show. David and I have been migrating closer and closer to each other, like magnets. Tony Clifton and his pack of broads are singing "God Bless America." David orders two shots of Jim Beam. I ask who the other one is for. He nudges it close to me and smiles, "For you!" We toast to I don't know what, it's so loud inside the Comedy Store as everyone is clapping and singing to Clifton's patriotic number. I gulp down the shot and immediately regret it. Ughhhh. It burns so good. David coughs and rubs his chest, "Good right?" YES!!! He smiles down at me and wraps his arms around my waist. OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING SO FAST. SLOW DOWN. I WANT TO REMEMBER THIS FOREVER. He's wobbling a little, because he's clearly drunk. I look up at him, probably with the biggest eyes of adoration. He leans down and asks if I'm having fun. I say, "Of course." Now his face is right next to mine. I stand on my tippy-toes and whisper, "You're so adorable" in his ear. He raises an eyebrow and nods. "You're so cute" I slur. Oh God. Not me, too! But it's much too late now. He squeezes my waist. I kiss him on the cheek. Then again. I can't stop kissing his cheek and whispering in his ear. David pulls back and faces me, so that our lips are dangerously close. MY HEART IS POUNDING IN MY HEAD. IN MY STOMACH. IN MY THROAT. IN MY LUNGS. MY HEART IS POUNDING IN MY VAGINA. I CAN'T SEE ANYONE BUT HIM.

"It's now or never!!!" I can see the words flash across my brain. Fuck it. I always make the first move. You only ever get one of these. So this is ours, David. I close my eyes and he closes his.

The distance between our mouths is diminished. And we kiss. I expect to taste cigarettes, Coors Light and whiskey (in that order) but nope. It's a good first kiss. It tastes like victory. It tastes like happiness. It tastes sublime. It tastes so fucking sweet. When we pull away, we both laugh (YEAH, THAT HAPPENED BUDDY) and stumble out of the club. It's time to go get more drinks. The night is young!

But first, drunk pictures:

 (p.s. this last one is his current Facebook profile pic. He gave me full credit as the photographer *snicker* and said he was doing his best Marcelo Mastroianni impression when I took it)

David and I assume the role of the older, more experienced Cal alumni to Rob and Colin...like the parental figures. David suggests we go get drinks at The House of Blues. We hold hands and cross the busy street. Cars honk at us as David holds up his hand to get them to stop. Oh my God! My adrenaline is pumping so hard now. I buy us a round of whiskey shots. $44 later, we've snuck into the Foundation Room and are enjoying the nighttime view of Hollywood from the balcony. All those twinkling lights are beautiful. I try to squeeze past David so I can take a better picture with my phone but he thinks I'm trying to sit on his lap. He says "Okay!" and pulls me down. OH SHIT. I plop down on his lap, then straddle his left leg. I'm wearing a mini-skirt, so you can imagine how this makes me feel. FUCK. I don't dare move and make myself comfortable as I talk to the guys. I accidentally shoot video of our little chat. You can't see anything but you can hear every single word. David is the one who starts with "Santa Barbara?" He sounds so wasted. I'm obviously the lone, drunken female voice.

We move back to the bar for more drinks. David and I start taking pictures together in the dark. We share a beer, I think a Guinness. More making out. I'm in heaven.

We leave House of Blues in search of cigarettes for David. Are we walking down Sunset Blvd. holding hands, talking like we've done this all of our lives? God, I want to bottle this feeling forever!

Colin and Rob chat with us for a bit, as we discuss our weird film classes from Berkeley. Everyone's still a little drunk so most of our arguments are terrible and make no sense. I snap a few pictures....mostly of David smoking and excitedly making his point about queer film theory in Berkeley, which is a subject you could write volumes on:

We say goodnight to the younger boys and he walks me back to my car because he's a "gentleman." I love that about him. He insists he was raised right. I laugh and tell him I can't argue with that. We run into his friend Kevin who likes to dress up as Jesus Christ. David insists I take a picture with the fake Jesus.

I look at this phone to make sure he took a good picture and to see if he's sober enough to drive home. David is laughing, trying to show me he's fine. I ask one more time if he's sure he's sober enough to drive back home. He says yes but his eyes look deceiving. I giggle and kiss him on the cheek. He answers back with a kiss on the mouth. We make out in-front of the fake Jesus, like we don't give a shit. I feel a little blasphemous, hahaha! Some drunk teenagers walking by yell at Jesus that they love him. He waves. We stumble up the parking structure back to my car. But not before we take one last picture. I know I kissed him after I took this.

We're at the roof of the parking structure. I easily spot my car. David says he wants to go with me to see Morrissey and The Stooges in November. I tell him my second ticket is definitely his. Ugh, but it's so far away!! I wish it was tomorrow. I wish this night didn't have to end. I lead him to my car and turn to say goodnight. There was a big rush of words, mostly from me. I tell him to please not freak out about this in the morning. That everything that happened felt good, it came about in such a fantastic way, there's nothing wrong with us being this way. He smiles down at me, in that adorable way of his, wagging his head and telling me "Yes. You're right. I agree. I won't freak out. I am...the least...freaker-outer ever!" Okay, so he's still a little drunk. I just hope he doesn't forget the kissing. I hope he doesn't forget how amazing he made me feel. I know it's time to go.

"Goodnight David" I whisper as I motion for him to lean down. He obeys with a smile permanently on his lips. Eyes closed. Heart beating so fast. Time slows down. I can't hear or feel anything except his breathing. His lips are soft, wet, so warm. He fits so perfectly in my mouth. It's just a non-stop flurry of kisses. No tongue, because I'm trying to go slow. The kisses get hotter and more frantic. I murmur, "You're so tall. I'm standing on my tip-toes" and my boots squeak as I angle up higher. My right hand touches his neck. He has to stoop down low to reach me. I'm dizzy. I tell myself not to let my hands roam below the belt because I won't be able to stop myself. I pull away and compose myself, unable to hide the grin on my face. I'm flushed hot. He laughs and puts his hands in his pockets. I struggle to talk "I have to stop....before I make a mistake and go further. I don't want to make that kind of mistake with you." He nods and says that's fine. We say goodnight, kiss one last time, so fast like a micro-second peck and that's it. I wave as he walks away. He looks back at me and waves goodbye, a little smile still etched on his face.

I drive home, feeling like a champion. I play the radio loud. I fist pump. I want to tell the world about David and how he makes me feel. Everything starts to feel shinier again!!!

Ritual text message before bed.

Me: Home. Thanks for another wonderful night :)
David:  :D

I'm walking on air. He isn't weird the next morning. In fact, he's busy because he has to prepare for a video shoot on Sunday. I don't worry, for once. I know the big hurdle will be to get him to do this again, to kiss and hold me without the aid of alcohol. I know he's a shy guy and there's barriers stopping him from releasing his true desires, but I am willing to be patient. I am willing to wait for him. He's worth it. He's the pony to bet on. He does something to me, I can't quite explain. David can take a kiss and turn it into a fire storm. This boy is magic. And now that he's made out with me, the genie is out of the bottle. You can't take something like that back. Onward and upward. I want more!!!!!!!!

This indecisions bugging me: if you don't want me, set me free

I thought that this time....that this time would be different. I thought for sure that I had done the “right thing” by not rushing into getting physical with a guy. I thought that putting my heart on the line and being honest from the start, that not playing games and taking things slow would be good. I thought I was reading positive signs. I thought I was headed in the right direction. I thought, hey...maybe this is it. Maybe I'm finally going to start dating someone awesome. Maybe I'll finally get that perfect boyfriend I've always wanted.

Hmmm. Thought. Yeah. Thinking is not paying off the way I imagined. Thinking hurts just as much as not thinking, being selfish and being evil.

Things between David and I have not unraveled the way I wanted them to. In fact, I'm not sure if we're stalled....if we're over....or if there's still hope. Uncertainty sucks.

A week ago last Saturday the Kings had just lost Game 5 against the Devils (don't worry, it later turned into a happy story and we won Game 6. Stanley Cup champs baby!!!) and needless to say, I was pretty bummed. David had told me to ring him up, win or lose, and we'd hang out. Like clockwork, he texted me soon as the game was over and we made on-the-fly plans to chill. He didn't feel like going out and needed to go grocery shopping for the week, so I tagged along. Yeah, I drove an ENTIRE HOUR from Upland to East Hollywood to follow a guy around the aisles of a supermarket on a Saturday night. That just shows how much I really, really like David. As predicted: I had a blast. I got an up-close and weird look at the grocery shopping habits of a 35-year old bachelor (he eats the same thing almost everyday and doesn't buy more than he can hold in his arms. No cart for this boy!). We walked up and down the aisles, making fun of different things on the shelves and showing each other our favorite products. David professed his love for sugar-free chocolate ice cream bars and bought some to cheer me up. I pointed out Salvadorian goodies in the frozen food section and announced I would be happy to take him out to eat delicious pupusas from my favorite restaurant in East LA. Under the fluorescent lights of the Jon's Market, I could feel my heart skipping a beat. All of it felt so good, it was scary.

Back at his place, he introduces me to his roommate. But he doesn't say “Oh this is my friend..” and then my name...no...he says: “This is...” and then my name. Sounds divine.

We retreat back to his room to eat sugar-free ice cream bars and watch random TV. During commercials, we just talk and talk and talk. We never run out of things to say. I start to worry, for once. Did I say too much? The topic of relationships always come up and I assumed that telling him my goals would not be overstepping or oversharing. I made it clear that yes, eventually I would like to find a stable, long-term relationship. He says something that sticks out. At one point he exhales and leans back in his rolling desk chair and looks up at the ceiling: “Oh [my name]...I hope you don't use me as an example to study because I'm weird.” I think nothing of it at first but it nags at me. We keep talking because it doesn't sound like he wants to change the subject. He says he never thought I'd want to hang out with him to which I respond with incredulous laughter. “Why wouldn't I?” Then things get even more personal. I blurt out that at this point I'm finding myself attracted to him. He shoots a sideways glance at me, a little bit of intrigue and surprise. I tell him that I feel like there's something nice between us, that it could turn into something more. That I've had a great time with him and I'd totally want to keep going. He raises an eyebrow and nods, “Yeah...I really feel like I could warm up to you.” Not exactly a declaration of adoration, but I take it. The butterflies in my stomach return. They haven't swarmed so hard since the days of Ryan. They're back and I'm happy. This is good, right? Good? Are we sailing? We're sailing!!

2 am rolls around, David walks me to my car. “Alright, here we are [my name]” he says as we approach my little Corolla. He always calls me by name, like he says it in conversation all the time. You don't know how awesome that is!! I always feel so anonymous, so replaceable, so interchangeable when a guy doesn't say my name when speaking to me or addressing me. We say hurried words in the dark. Yes, let's hang out again. Let's do something. Call me or I'll call you. Text me when you get home. Yes, always. Good night David. Goodnight, goodnight...I lean close and place my hand on his cheek. He leans down even further and softly kisses my cheek. Rockets, fireworks, boom, bang! Should I have tried to kiss him on the lips? NO! Next time. I pull away and instantly cast my eyes down, too embarrassed and giddy to look him straight in the eyes. I excitedly tell him again we should definitely hang out between the week. He smiles and happily agrees. I jump in my car and drive away, not before waving goodbye at him as he slowly walks back to his apartment. I turn up the radio and sing along. I'm grinning from ear to ear. I crawl into bed with a permanent smile on my face. I shoot off one final text before I fall asleep.

Me: Home. Thanks you for another happy and enlightening night :) see ya soon yes?

David: Yes! :D

Then it's Sunday. I'm still on Cloud 9. Church. The one time of the week I leave between God and myself to just openly chat and to pray with a free heart. I ask if this is The One. Is David the guy I've been waiting my whole life for? Too soon to know? I just want to know so bad because I am ready and willing. Almost as a silly after thought I joke in my head, “What if I have to pick between having a boyfriend or the Kings winning the Stanley Cup?” I laugh to myself. Oh be serious. Be real. If David is in God's plan for you, then it will all work out just fine. Then I get the Facebook messages to end all Facebook messages. Almost on cue.

I've been so happy to hang out with you recently [...]. I'm just thinking about this and realizing that a relationship is what you want. And you are probably understanding now that I don't mess around and only start with a woman when I am ready for a relationship. But, its just not a good time for me to get into any kind of relationship right now. I have too much up in the air in my life and I really need some time to figure things out. I am sorry for being so indecisive but its just as tough for me to be honest about this as it is for me to even understand my own feelings about it, if that make sense.

Ouch. Motherfucking ouch. My head feels like it's boiling. My heart sinks like the Titanic. My stomach knots. I want to scream. REALLY??! It took me several hours to formulate a response. As always, I cave right at the end.

Can't say that I'm thrilled to hear that but I've now come to accept these things (remember how I said I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...I wish I wasn't always right).

What makes me sad is that I'm not sure what happens now. If you don't want to pursue something more with me, does that mean we can no longer hang out socially? Like you, I've had a blast these last days. I was actually looking forward to going to the Make Music Pasadena show.

While it is true that my eventual goal, my end-game if you will, is to secure a long-term relationship with somebody, I don't necessarily need to do that *right now*. I'm still trying to get my footing. Like you, I haven't figure it all out yet. I was enjoying getting to know you still...I wasn't even sure where things were headed...all I knew is that I enjoyed your company immensely.

So yeah. Where does that leave things? Back to being just friends? Back to being just Facebook friends? Or can we still hang out (and not cuz we're "bored")? I won't make things weird if you don't 

I walked around the entire work-week a little devastated, a little shaken and a little hurt. I tried not to blame myself but it was impossible. Why do I always open my big mouth? I never even got to kiss him on the lips. (sigh) He doesn't act weird on Facebook, which is awesome. In fact, we were just like before...”liking” each others crap, sharing each others pictures and mildly flirting here and there. 

After talking to a couple of my gal pals, I realize that I shouldn't be so petulant about this: aren't we always asking guys to be direct and honest with us? Don't we always complain when they lead us on or aren't clear on their feelings? I can't be upset with David over this.

Saturday rolls around and he still wants to go to the Make Music Pasadena festival with me. I'm the only one of his friends who actually shows up, on time and with a good attitude. I wait for him at The Armory. It's easy to spot him in a crowd because he's so tall. He saunters up the block wearing dark jeans, a black shirt with neon colors on the front, tennis shoes and his trusty Ray Ban wayfarers. He looks adorable. The whole rest of the day is lovely. The sun is bright, the breeze is cold and the bands are hot. I spent the next 6 hours following him around the streets of Pasadena like a love-sick puppy dog, helping him meet potential clients (new indie bands) for music videos and taking pictures. He wades through the crowds of teenage hipsters with ease, like Moses parting the waters, while I struggle to keep up his pace. For every stride he takes, I take 4 hurried steps. He looks down at me and with a smirk says, “You'd never survive in New York City.” I'm a sweaty mess by the time we get to see my favorite artist at the moment, Grimes. David likes her too and is excited to see her. We dance a little to “Oblivion” and make fun of all the gross teenagers who think they're too cool for school. I savor every moment we get to stand close to each other, whether it be pressed up against the crowds (“chest to back” as he says) at one of the main stages or crammed in the free shuttle buses. He smells good, like cologne, deodorant and sweat from the sun. He meets up with a few of his industry buddies and introduces me, sometimes as “My friend...” and sometimes just by my name. I enjoy when he does the latter. The last band of the night is Torches. They sound great and I love that we score the only two seats up front. We're dangerously close to one another. As usual, I hope anyone who glances at us while I'm laughing (snorting) at one of his jokes, thinks we're a couple. We easily act like one. As Torches wraps up and I'm in a dreamy state of contentment, David glances over at me and asks, “Easily the best band of the night, huh?” I smile and nod. I should've kissed him right then and there.

He walks me back to my parking structure at the Paseo, because he's a “gentleman.” He says we should definitely hang out again, that he's in the mood to see a movie. I eagerly say yes. And just when I'm hoping he'll swoop down to kiss me, he hugs me. And that's it. I walk back to my car swearing and cussing at myself as I fish for my keys. Goddammit motherfucker. Ughhh. Don't friend-zone me. PLEASE.

I don't want this to turn into the Mike disaster from over a year ago. I don't need anymore guy friends. I don't WANT anymore guy friends. Especially not when I like them “this way” and I want to kiss them. Everything with David clicks in such an awesome way, it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. He makes me feel wanted, included and relevant. He makes me feel important and only gives off positive vibes when we're together. He fits with me in such a great way. I don't want to suffer like this. I'm through with the suffering. Should I stick with this? I've heard from more than one girlfriend that I should keep seeing him, maybe it'll ease him into wanting more and he'll come around. Is that a good idea? I don't want to waste anymore of my time. I don't want to spend half a year chasing after an emotionally unavailable guy again! Why won't they ever chase ME?!? Ughhh...I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could see if this is worth nurturing. David, like one of our favorite bands The Clash once said: “Should I stay or should I go?”

Oh I've been waiting, definitely....

This right now...this...this feels amazing! Is this what true happiness is? Not second-guessing yourself, not feeling nervous over trivial things, just letting go and letting your heart feel free?

I am trying so hard to just enjoy the rush and not immediately expect that I will be punished, that it won't all disappear over night or that I was stupid to let my guard down. But it's almost inevitable to feel like I could lose it all, I've been burned so hard in the past. My heart felt like it was freshly broken before David swept in and made me feel human again. I don't feel like a languishing soul with no direction. I feel happy! HAPPY!! Not just excited but really and truly happy. Like everyday feels a little sunnier, every beer tastes sweeter and every kiss on the cheek feels as passionate as a roll between the sheets. Everything is just shinier :)

Good on me to try and test the waters with David. Does he really like me? Well, he must because I invited him to come see Game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals with me and my pack of crazy hockey friends and he GLADLY accepted. I was completely surprised. Okay!! So I threw out a time, date and ideas to carpool as I knew it would be jammed with crazy LA Kings fans, maybe he'd get scared away? But nope, he showed up on time, wearing all black and his trusty Ray Ban wayfarers.

We made great conversation in my car as we drove to Staples Center, the epicenter of the Kings Stanley Cup Finals run. My friend Sandy sat in the back and was not shy in asking David all sorts of questions. No awkward pauses, no weird moments, no silence. He was perfectly gelling with one of my best friends, I wonder how it'd be when he'd meet the whole group?

Well, I can't complain at all. David was a perfect gentleman. We showed up to a packed table of my hockey friends at Bottle Rock. He engaged everyone in conversation, was super polite with my friends, made the waitress laugh and recommended a good beer (and I normally HATE beer!). He was sweet, offered to pay for food and parking. It's been such a long time since I've been with a guy who is willing to help and pay for things without asking for something in return. He was incredibly patient too as me and my friends fought with the crowds to get a table at one of the pubs closest to the game. It just wasn't in the cards but David wasn't willing to give up either and even walked to a neighboring hotel to see if the bar was open. It was packed there, too! While we watched the game on one of the outside patio big screens, I decided to snap a picture with him. Looks like a Ray Bans commercial! Cute....

I just like how well we click. He's very friendly and easy to approach. He's not intimidating at all. He has such a sweet way about him, soft-spoken and engaging. He asks all the right questions and shows he sincerely cares. My heart soared when we finally found a restaurant to watch the game at but the hostess wouldn't let our friend Will in. David stepped up and started talking to the hostess, trying to get on her good side. It didn't pan out and Will got in thanks to one of the other restaurant patrons but I appreciated the effort nonetheless. When the Kings finally scored, I happily looked at David and he gathered me up in a great, big hug. I let the hug linger and was happy to wrap my hand around his fingers. I squeezed and he squeezed back. I felt like my heart was going to burst, I was so happy. And when the Devils overtook the Kings and the game was over, David was there to console me with kind words, a sip of his beer and the most adorable look of compassion in his eyes. He'd look over at me, smile and say: "They're gonna win. They're up 3 games. They got this." I think if the Kings had won Game 4, I might've just kissed David on the lips.

The ride home with the girls in the backseat was fun. We did our best to make each other laugh so we wouldn't concentrate on the Kings loss. Once I made it back to Silverlake to drop off David, I started to feel a little bit of a racing pulse. Oh gosh...are we going to kiss? I'm so glad I'm not rushing into physical intimacy. Going slow is working wonders. Anticipation drives me up the wall!

I made up a lame excuse to walk him back to his car, I didn't care! We made plans to see other again on Saturday night, hopefully to celebrate the Kings eventual win. No resistance, no feeling of having to pull teeth, he just offered nicely and pulled me close for a hug. "Thank you so much for coming on our crazy adventure" I said as he held me close and tight against his chest. My words were muffled into his leather jacket but I know he could hear me. He thanked me and when I pulled away he kissed me goodnight on the cheek. I heard myself giggle and I know I was smiling wide. I walked away clumsy and feeling like I was on Cloud 9. Did I float back to my car? Maybe. The girls were grinning at me as I open my car door. They knew what had just happened. We talked about David all the way home. Everyone liked him. I think I liked him the best though :D

So this is nice. I look forward to Saturday night. I hope we finally do clinch the Stanley Cup. I'm ready for that kiss!!! 

"Oh I've been waiting, definitely & my heart is here right after me..."

Make me dance, I want to surrender...

Huh. I think...I think something happened. And I'm not quite sure what. And I think I enjoyed it. And I'm pretty darn sure I want it to happen again.

There's this guy...

Heh. It's always a guy, right? Well, it'd have to be right? If it wasn't, there wouldn't be a blog to speak of. If it wasn't a guy, you wouldn't be reading this.

But yes, there's this guy I know. His name is David. I wouldn't know exactly how to explain the way I know him but here goes. A few years ago, probably as I was fresh out of graduating from college, we became Facebook friends, even though I don't really remember meeting him in school. He was a Cal grad, of course but a couple of years ahead of me. He was the president of our Arts & Media Club and a fellow Film major. Even though I don't recall speaking to him during my years at the university, we became fast friends online and over the years kept in contact, sharing YouTube videos of our favorite musicians (he's a rabid Smiths/Morrissey fan, too) and it became kind of our inside joke that I'd “like” every single 80s/new wave video he'd post, especially if it was the Smiths. We shared battle stories from inside the pit at Bad Religion shows and bonded over our favorite films. Our friendship evolved so much that he invited me to hang out with him while we both still lived in Whittier. I always politely declined, for whatever reason. As a sign of good will, I invited him to interview at my work when were looking for a new Administrative Coordinator. I knew he'd never get hired (the owner is a bit old-fashioned and would never hire a man for a front office desk job) but David was grateful nonetheless. I still remember the day he interviewed. It was the first time I had seen him since college and though he looked vaguely familiar, I felt like I was meeting him for the first time. I liked his personality and he seemed like a very organized, ambitious guy but I was not attracted in the least. He looked way too business-like, overweight and nervous. That was two years ago.

Recently he and I were bonding more online, more than usual and making false-starts to hang out. It was always me nicely rejecting him or having a good excuse. It's not that I didn't want to hang out, it's just I was always in the middle of doing something else. In fact, a couple of months ago David asked me to go see a band his buddy was in, but I was out doing stupid shit with Dan. I actually called David to excuse myself and felt kinda sad I couldn't go. Over the next few weeks we made plans to have lunch since I worked in the same area he was now living in, but it never worked out.

Not until last week. I get a Facebook message from David asking me out to lunch AGAIN, with no concrete time or place. I'm like, “Does he not get the hint? ” But I stopped myself. This is getting ridiculous. He's a nice dude, he's always asking me out and I'm always turning him down. Just do it. It'll be nice. That's what friends do, they have lunch. It's not like a real date or anything. So I went for it. I said sure and threw down a time and date. After a couple of rounds on Facebook messenger, we settled on a place. He suggests after-work fish tacos and Mexican beer in Silverlake. Delighted, I say “Sure!” Suddenly it's Friday and I'm sitting in a tiny Ensenada-style fish taco stand, wearing shorts and my Ray Ban aviator sunglasses indoors, doing my best to show I'm casual and ready for summer. I'm only there a couple of minutes before a very tall guy saunters in. My stomach drops. That's...is that? Yes...that's David. He's at least 80 pounds lighter, wearing a pair of Ray Ban wayfarers, a plain white T-shirt, gray jeans and Nike tennis shoes. He looks around the restaurant (I laugh, does he not realize this place is dinkier than a closet?) and spots me at the counter. He smiles and hugs me, happily calling my name. He's a whole foot taller than me and as I press my head against him, I reach maybe just under his rib cage. He whips off his sunglasses and we order our tacos.

Dinner was nice. Pleasant. Easy. Care-free. No stress. We found a nice table in the shade and talked for what seemed like hours. It was easy spotting similarities between us, I mean I always knew they were there but it was nice hearing them out loud.

So the basics: David is extremely soft-spoken which is in huge contrast to his presence on Facebook, where he's quick to voice an opinion, especially if it's one that's in contrast to everyone else's. He has a quiet, soothing voice without a single trace of a Chicano accent (just like me!). He sounds “white” as people in our neighborhoods say, and I find out he's actually a quarter-white. He doesn't look Mexican at all. His face is older, like a grown-ass man's face should look like. His hair nearly jet-black and he has intense dark eyes. He's a good listener and thoughtful. What I like most of all is that he has an easy laugh. He thinks I'm funny and I was having too much fun making him laugh at everything. He keeps saying he's shy but nothing that he says proves that. He reveals that he graduated college 2 years ahead of me (which I assume means he's at least 30 years old) and that he's actually done a lot of coursework outside of Cal. He's gone to Cerritos College for music-video production and spent a couple of semesters abroad in Switzerland and even some time in New York City at the prestigious Tisch School of the Arts. All this schooling has prepared him for his current job as an instructor at UCLA, teaching students music-video production. He also directs music videos for up and coming indie bands. And finally, he's in the midst of drawing his own graphic novel which he hopes to release by Christmas. Now the graphic novel I remember because I donated a few bucks towards it about a month ago, which he thanked me again for.

My head is spinning. This guy is fantastic. I feel that familiar tingle of liking and connecting with a guy's personality way beyond how he looks. I like David more now. Like...a lot more. I feel I don't have to explain things out to him, he gets where I'm coming from. Our lives have run in a very parallel manner, it's incredibly comforting. 

He asks if I want to walk around and find a quiet bar to drink at and catch up more. I happily agree. Suddenly we're at some wanna-be upscale outdoor bar called the Desert Rose. We grab a couple of drinks and talk some more, then move once a stupid jazz quarter starts loudly playing. We then sit at a table on the outside patio and talk until the sun goes down. The alcohol is now pulsing through my blood stream. I feel even more relaxed and I can tell so is he. The soft lighting of the restaurant makes him look so striking. What's going on here? My head is swimming now. The conversation starts to take a pleasant turn as we start talking about our hopes and dreams, what we want to do when we “grow up.” We do our best Huell Howser impressions. We find out we lived in the same apartment in Berkeley, and bought pot off of history majors. He tells me about how he distrusts supporters of Ron Paul and I agree that anybody with a valid political opinion would not fling it over a freeway overpass. We also talk relationships. We start to get so honest. So intense. I catch bits and pieces of what he says, mostly his opinion on women and romantic relationships. He's bold. He says he worries about one day providing for a wife and kids. He says his repeated mistake is putting women on a pedestal. He says the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend (which thanks to Facebook I now know was on May 13th) is because she forgot his birthday, which was one of the many reasons he dumped her. She was mean and put up an emotional wall. He reveals he tried to date a girl who was 25 and couldn't keep a conversation with her. That's when I fish around for information. So how old is he? And it comes out that he's actually 35!!! Oh GOSH!!! I'm 28! He's impressed, he didn't even know I was that young. We go on and on about relationships, and I can't hold myself back from voicing my opinions and venting about Ryan and all my disappointments. I don't use names, I keep things anonymous. It seems David and I are on opposite ends of the same mistake. He puts pretty girls on pedestals and I put myself as a doormat. Maybe more like guys put me on an Ottoman? I get stepped on. David is sympathetic. He listens. He offers advice. I almost want to say that I'd date him. But I don't. The night is young. Still got time to embarrass myself.

It's now 9 pm and dark out. He asks if I wanna get out of there and go see his buddy's band perform at the Satellite. I almost jump at the suggestion. I'm so glad he also doesn't want the night to end yet!

His friend is in a band called Willoughby and David's done some music video work for them. We stand next to each other at the show, sipping our beers and swaying to the music. Occasionally he'll peer down at me and ask me if I like that song. Every time he does, it's actually a song I do like. We agree on what songs we don't like and make fun of people in the crowd who are dancing like idiots. There's a pair of drunks girls making asses out of themselves and we both look at each other, smiling...doing our best to stifle our laughter. I like analyzing music with him and bopping along to guitar riffs that are too good. David spots director Vincent Gallo in the crowd and we're both a little star-struck. A strange sense of calm comes over me. I'm not nervous around David. I feel so good, so relaxed. I don't second-guess myself or feel worried. I unabashedly tag him at the Satellite with me on Facebook. He does the same to me on Twitter, even though he gets my handle wrong. Oh well. I appreciate the gesture. And for once, I don't question anything. I just let myself go. The show at the Satellite wraps up and David introduces me to the guys in Willoughby. We decide to keep hanging out in Silverlake and he suggests we catch his friend's set at Los Globos on Sunset. I can't believe all the connections to the local music scene David has! Is he doing this to impress me? I don't think so. His manner and behavior is all business and polite, not at all like an industry douchebag.

Last stop of the night: the upstairs dance hall at Los Globos. We grab a booth and sip our drinks. It's pretty cozy and we sit dangerously close to one another. The DJ is doing a throw-back set in between bands and I'm digging her selections. David and I recognize each song and dance in our seats, grooving along to the Clash and the Waitresses. He says he normally doesn't go out dancing, except if it's at a wedding which I couldn't agree more. The next band is up which is the one we're here to see. David says we should go up and get a good look. I never caught the name of this current band but I enjoy their electronic/guitar thrash sound. David knows the words to some of their songs. I nod my head along and feel how awesome it is just to let go of all your preconceived notions. Time flies by and suddenly the band announces it's their last song. I also have to pee really bad. I excuse myself and as I walk away, I absentmindedly run my left hand across his stomach, kinda in a “hey I'll be right back, miss you” way that girls do with guys. It just felt right, maybe because I'm a little drunk and feeling very comfortable. I don't think much of it in the toilet and am happy I can hear the band playing clear as a bell in the ladies room. I make it back on the dace floor just as the band wraps up. I try to be funny and jump in front of David to scare him. He laughs and reaches down for me . It all happens so fast. He pulls me close and hugs me, sweetly asking if I'm having fun. This hug feels different, was it because of the weird hand thing before I took off to pee? Did I open an invitation? This hug is going on for a lot longer than normal. He squeezes me tight and smiles. I look up at him with a million-watt grin and say I'm having a blast. I pull away a little and let my left hand drift over to his and we tangle our fingers together. I want him to know that I liked that type of hug. I wouldn't mind another!

The band agrees to ONE MORE song as the crowd goes crazy. I look up at David and suggest we dance. He smiles and agrees. So we dance, like two giant dorks. There's all these hipsters and scene kids whipping their bodies to the music. But I don't care how we look, I'm too busy enjoying myself. Once it's over we split and grab his car out of valet. David has to drive me back to my car which is still parked at the Satellite. We queues up some Belle & Sebastian (a band we both love) on his iPod and excitedly talk about what a good night this has been. I'm sad when the car ride is over. It's that time of the night. The time when I always go too far and make an ass of myself. I need to not be a tramp right now. I like this guy and if I open the gate to sex, he won't respect me the next morning and I won't get a second date. Earlier in the night, he had said he was over fuck-buddy relationships and dammit, so am I! So I'm smart and take going back to his place off the table. He doesn't flinch and says he wants to hang out again. I happily agree and tell him to call me. And then we say goodnight. He reaches over to me for another fantastic hug and I decide to be bold just a little. I sweetly kiss him on the cheek. He doesn't react negatively at all, just smiles and looks at me with these eyes...I wonder what's going through his head? My brain is screaming that I should leave before I kiss him on the lips or do something stupid. Again we repeat how much fun we both had and that we need to do it again soon. Again we hug and again I press my lips to his right cheek. It's so quiet inside his car. How did we get here? I clumsily stumble out of his car with a visible grin on my face. I know he's smiling as he watches me leave. And that's all I need.

I drove all the way home with my heart lightly fluttering. A mature, confident flutter. I must be growing up.

So uhm...yeah. Something happened. Something nice. Something I want to happen again. And I'm not going to sit here and agonize or over-analyze it from six different angles. I'm not pining or yearning for David. No. I like him. If nothing ever happens, I'm okay because I know I'll keep a great dude as a friend. If something does happen, it could be awesome. But for now, it's nice. It's good. It's refreshing. It'll be interesting to see what develops. That was a pretty kick-ass night in Silverlake, though. I gotta thank him again for that. It's what I needed. Definitely. :)