This indecisions bugging me: if you don't want me, set me free

I thought that this time....that this time would be different. I thought for sure that I had done the “right thing” by not rushing into getting physical with a guy. I thought that putting my heart on the line and being honest from the start, that not playing games and taking things slow would be good. I thought I was reading positive signs. I thought I was headed in the right direction. I thought, hey...maybe this is it. Maybe I'm finally going to start dating someone awesome. Maybe I'll finally get that perfect boyfriend I've always wanted.

Hmmm. Thought. Yeah. Thinking is not paying off the way I imagined. Thinking hurts just as much as not thinking, being selfish and being evil.

Things between David and I have not unraveled the way I wanted them to. In fact, I'm not sure if we're stalled....if we're over....or if there's still hope. Uncertainty sucks.

A week ago last Saturday the Kings had just lost Game 5 against the Devils (don't worry, it later turned into a happy story and we won Game 6. Stanley Cup champs baby!!!) and needless to say, I was pretty bummed. David had told me to ring him up, win or lose, and we'd hang out. Like clockwork, he texted me soon as the game was over and we made on-the-fly plans to chill. He didn't feel like going out and needed to go grocery shopping for the week, so I tagged along. Yeah, I drove an ENTIRE HOUR from Upland to East Hollywood to follow a guy around the aisles of a supermarket on a Saturday night. That just shows how much I really, really like David. As predicted: I had a blast. I got an up-close and weird look at the grocery shopping habits of a 35-year old bachelor (he eats the same thing almost everyday and doesn't buy more than he can hold in his arms. No cart for this boy!). We walked up and down the aisles, making fun of different things on the shelves and showing each other our favorite products. David professed his love for sugar-free chocolate ice cream bars and bought some to cheer me up. I pointed out Salvadorian goodies in the frozen food section and announced I would be happy to take him out to eat delicious pupusas from my favorite restaurant in East LA. Under the fluorescent lights of the Jon's Market, I could feel my heart skipping a beat. All of it felt so good, it was scary.

Back at his place, he introduces me to his roommate. But he doesn't say “Oh this is my friend..” and then my name...no...he says: “This is...” and then my name. Sounds divine.

We retreat back to his room to eat sugar-free ice cream bars and watch random TV. During commercials, we just talk and talk and talk. We never run out of things to say. I start to worry, for once. Did I say too much? The topic of relationships always come up and I assumed that telling him my goals would not be overstepping or oversharing. I made it clear that yes, eventually I would like to find a stable, long-term relationship. He says something that sticks out. At one point he exhales and leans back in his rolling desk chair and looks up at the ceiling: “Oh [my name]...I hope you don't use me as an example to study because I'm weird.” I think nothing of it at first but it nags at me. We keep talking because it doesn't sound like he wants to change the subject. He says he never thought I'd want to hang out with him to which I respond with incredulous laughter. “Why wouldn't I?” Then things get even more personal. I blurt out that at this point I'm finding myself attracted to him. He shoots a sideways glance at me, a little bit of intrigue and surprise. I tell him that I feel like there's something nice between us, that it could turn into something more. That I've had a great time with him and I'd totally want to keep going. He raises an eyebrow and nods, “Yeah...I really feel like I could warm up to you.” Not exactly a declaration of adoration, but I take it. The butterflies in my stomach return. They haven't swarmed so hard since the days of Ryan. They're back and I'm happy. This is good, right? Good? Are we sailing? We're sailing!!

2 am rolls around, David walks me to my car. “Alright, here we are [my name]” he says as we approach my little Corolla. He always calls me by name, like he says it in conversation all the time. You don't know how awesome that is!! I always feel so anonymous, so replaceable, so interchangeable when a guy doesn't say my name when speaking to me or addressing me. We say hurried words in the dark. Yes, let's hang out again. Let's do something. Call me or I'll call you. Text me when you get home. Yes, always. Good night David. Goodnight, goodnight...I lean close and place my hand on his cheek. He leans down even further and softly kisses my cheek. Rockets, fireworks, boom, bang! Should I have tried to kiss him on the lips? NO! Next time. I pull away and instantly cast my eyes down, too embarrassed and giddy to look him straight in the eyes. I excitedly tell him again we should definitely hang out between the week. He smiles and happily agrees. I jump in my car and drive away, not before waving goodbye at him as he slowly walks back to his apartment. I turn up the radio and sing along. I'm grinning from ear to ear. I crawl into bed with a permanent smile on my face. I shoot off one final text before I fall asleep.

Me: Home. Thanks you for another happy and enlightening night :) see ya soon yes?

David: Yes! :D

Then it's Sunday. I'm still on Cloud 9. Church. The one time of the week I leave between God and myself to just openly chat and to pray with a free heart. I ask if this is The One. Is David the guy I've been waiting my whole life for? Too soon to know? I just want to know so bad because I am ready and willing. Almost as a silly after thought I joke in my head, “What if I have to pick between having a boyfriend or the Kings winning the Stanley Cup?” I laugh to myself. Oh be serious. Be real. If David is in God's plan for you, then it will all work out just fine. Then I get the Facebook messages to end all Facebook messages. Almost on cue.

I've been so happy to hang out with you recently [...]. I'm just thinking about this and realizing that a relationship is what you want. And you are probably understanding now that I don't mess around and only start with a woman when I am ready for a relationship. But, its just not a good time for me to get into any kind of relationship right now. I have too much up in the air in my life and I really need some time to figure things out. I am sorry for being so indecisive but its just as tough for me to be honest about this as it is for me to even understand my own feelings about it, if that make sense.

Ouch. Motherfucking ouch. My head feels like it's boiling. My heart sinks like the Titanic. My stomach knots. I want to scream. REALLY??! It took me several hours to formulate a response. As always, I cave right at the end.

Can't say that I'm thrilled to hear that but I've now come to accept these things (remember how I said I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...I wish I wasn't always right).

What makes me sad is that I'm not sure what happens now. If you don't want to pursue something more with me, does that mean we can no longer hang out socially? Like you, I've had a blast these last days. I was actually looking forward to going to the Make Music Pasadena show.

While it is true that my eventual goal, my end-game if you will, is to secure a long-term relationship with somebody, I don't necessarily need to do that *right now*. I'm still trying to get my footing. Like you, I haven't figure it all out yet. I was enjoying getting to know you still...I wasn't even sure where things were headed...all I knew is that I enjoyed your company immensely.

So yeah. Where does that leave things? Back to being just friends? Back to being just Facebook friends? Or can we still hang out (and not cuz we're "bored")? I won't make things weird if you don't 

I walked around the entire work-week a little devastated, a little shaken and a little hurt. I tried not to blame myself but it was impossible. Why do I always open my big mouth? I never even got to kiss him on the lips. (sigh) He doesn't act weird on Facebook, which is awesome. In fact, we were just like before...”liking” each others crap, sharing each others pictures and mildly flirting here and there. 

After talking to a couple of my gal pals, I realize that I shouldn't be so petulant about this: aren't we always asking guys to be direct and honest with us? Don't we always complain when they lead us on or aren't clear on their feelings? I can't be upset with David over this.

Saturday rolls around and he still wants to go to the Make Music Pasadena festival with me. I'm the only one of his friends who actually shows up, on time and with a good attitude. I wait for him at The Armory. It's easy to spot him in a crowd because he's so tall. He saunters up the block wearing dark jeans, a black shirt with neon colors on the front, tennis shoes and his trusty Ray Ban wayfarers. He looks adorable. The whole rest of the day is lovely. The sun is bright, the breeze is cold and the bands are hot. I spent the next 6 hours following him around the streets of Pasadena like a love-sick puppy dog, helping him meet potential clients (new indie bands) for music videos and taking pictures. He wades through the crowds of teenage hipsters with ease, like Moses parting the waters, while I struggle to keep up his pace. For every stride he takes, I take 4 hurried steps. He looks down at me and with a smirk says, “You'd never survive in New York City.” I'm a sweaty mess by the time we get to see my favorite artist at the moment, Grimes. David likes her too and is excited to see her. We dance a little to “Oblivion” and make fun of all the gross teenagers who think they're too cool for school. I savor every moment we get to stand close to each other, whether it be pressed up against the crowds (“chest to back” as he says) at one of the main stages or crammed in the free shuttle buses. He smells good, like cologne, deodorant and sweat from the sun. He meets up with a few of his industry buddies and introduces me, sometimes as “My friend...” and sometimes just by my name. I enjoy when he does the latter. The last band of the night is Torches. They sound great and I love that we score the only two seats up front. We're dangerously close to one another. As usual, I hope anyone who glances at us while I'm laughing (snorting) at one of his jokes, thinks we're a couple. We easily act like one. As Torches wraps up and I'm in a dreamy state of contentment, David glances over at me and asks, “Easily the best band of the night, huh?” I smile and nod. I should've kissed him right then and there.

He walks me back to my parking structure at the Paseo, because he's a “gentleman.” He says we should definitely hang out again, that he's in the mood to see a movie. I eagerly say yes. And just when I'm hoping he'll swoop down to kiss me, he hugs me. And that's it. I walk back to my car swearing and cussing at myself as I fish for my keys. Goddammit motherfucker. Ughhh. Don't friend-zone me. PLEASE.

I don't want this to turn into the Mike disaster from over a year ago. I don't need anymore guy friends. I don't WANT anymore guy friends. Especially not when I like them “this way” and I want to kiss them. Everything with David clicks in such an awesome way, it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. He makes me feel wanted, included and relevant. He makes me feel important and only gives off positive vibes when we're together. He fits with me in such a great way. I don't want to suffer like this. I'm through with the suffering. Should I stick with this? I've heard from more than one girlfriend that I should keep seeing him, maybe it'll ease him into wanting more and he'll come around. Is that a good idea? I don't want to waste anymore of my time. I don't want to spend half a year chasing after an emotionally unavailable guy again! Why won't they ever chase ME?!? Ughhh...I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could see if this is worth nurturing. David, like one of our favorite bands The Clash once said: “Should I stay or should I go?”