Since my trip to New York three weeks ago, a calm has come over me. A new school of thought has taken over. I am giving up the search for a life-partner for the moment....which I hope will turn into a few weeks and maybe a few months. I am over being constantly ignored and rejected for doing nothing. I feel as if I'm being punished for being myself. FOR BEING NICE.
In the days since New York, I felt an overwhelming sense of independence and reckless abandon. Now, I know that's not supposed to be a permanent change to my life here in LA, but I will borrow from what occurred on the trip. I will not worry about what others think of me, I will not dedicate every single moment of my free-time to finding the "perfect" boyfriend, I will not subject myself to feeling guilty about what feels good and I will not apologize for who I am. It seems I am always having to remind myself to take care of me first....it should be part of my new outlook...it should be my lifestyle.
I've always been aggressive but it seems even at the level I was, guys still trampled all over me. I made too many excuses for jerks. I bowed to their "kindness" and waited for them. And what did I get for waiting and being patient? I got spit in the face. I got doors slammed in my face. Texts went unanswered. Opportunities were squandered. My time was wasted.
New rule: I'm not waiting around for anyone. I'm not going to romanticize hook-ups and hold my breath, hoping that this is the one that I strike gold with. FUCK THAT. I am taking anything I please. I'm walking into the room and making off with your antiques. I'm taking anything that's not nailed down. It's mine if I want it.
No, I'm not going to take up petty crime. I'm referring to boys....guys.....men. I'm tired of being so "nice." I'm tired of giving and giving, of trying and trying, of squeezing my eyes shut and praying that it goes right. I just want to fuck you and leave.....at least for now.
So maybe it was the new outlook, but I did something rather impulsive.
I'm flying into Newark airport in New Jersey on October 29th. I plan to stay on the East Coast, Staten Island specifically, for 3 days and 2 nights.
I bought a couple of concert tickets to see The Deftones in New York City on Tuesday October 30th.
Uhm, Jay is going as my date.
Terry and I have made plans to hang out, as well.
I enjoyed New York immensely. I felt so alive and the same time so vulnerable. I've never been to a city that gives me such a thrill. It doesn't feel like home. No. It feels like the perfect play ground for me to get lost in my new found hedonism.....or rather, my renewed sense of hedonism.
I'm going to use those idiots to satisfy every waking need inside of me. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to see one of my favorite bands in a strange and exciting city. I'm going to be anonymous. I'm going to stay up late. I'm going to eat pizza at 2 am. I'm going to fuck two different cocks and I'm not going to call them the next day. I'm going to sleep in the airport because I'm hungover.....then I'm going to deal with no consequences back in LA. Why? "Because New York's not my home" as Jim Croce once said. I don't belong there. That's not me. I'm going to use the city for what I want and sleep in my bed when I return with an incredible peace of mind. My conscience will be clear. I will feel no guilt. As it should be.
No need to fear that I'm on the path to destruction, decadence or (God forbid) drugs...it's all a measured release. I have a life to come back to. But I hope that this time, the renewal will last. My transformation will be uninterrupted as I wont be dealing with travel-mates that I need to worry about. I won't be judged. I won't be looked after. I won't have to please anyone or act like a lady. I won't have to fake it. I won't have to look over my shoulder and wonder what the others think. I will be completely on my own....er, except for the nights I will be sleeping with a different boy.
I broke the news of my visit to Jay a few days ago. Needless to say, he was ecstatic (no surprise there) and has sent me several texts about what he plans to do with me, for me and to me. He's a huge Deftones fan, the biggest one I know outside of the Southwest, and we've mentioned several times over the years how much we'd like to see them live, together. I seem to be making all of his dreams come true. Trust me, the sex is worth putting up with all his creepy texts....for example, here's one from like a week ago:
Pretty sure I'm gonna get my own hotel room, so as to avoid winding up in Jay's sex dungeon.
Terry is excited. He agrees with my refocused goals and throws his full support:
"ha, well just put it this way...you dont owe anyone anything (that i know of) you dont have anyone to prove anything to, so you just do what you want. its the way to be happy."
Hedonism might be the theme of this whole trip.
We've discussed at length what, if anything, we should say to Jay. I know we can't lie forever. Neither of us regret what we did, but we're not sure if telling Jay is the best course of action, at least not before I get there in person. It could very well break his heart. I also don't want to start trouble between best friends. And lastly, I don't want Jay to hate me and miss the concert. On this new personal voyage, I recognize that I'm not a completely heartless beast and I'm not here to ruin people's lives. I think Jay deserves the truth and my hope is that we will all sit down and discuss this like adults. I'm on a quest for myself, and it all might seem hugely selfish at times, but I have feelings too and I should still be mindful of others. My heart has softened for Jay, I will admit. He's owed the whole story. Maybe when he finds out I fucked Terry first and behind his back, he'll back off and not think I'm so perfect. Or maybe he'll come back for more. I don't know. All I know is I want to fuck one or both of them. Preferably both.
Am I kidding myself? Am I tricking myself into thinking that this mini-vacation is an escape and subsequent solution to my love-life problems? Maybe. But I need this. I want this. I crave change. Everything else I have tried has not worked. Following the "rules" has failed me. I'm miserable when I'm not moving around. I just want to be constantly thrown into new situations. I want to be distracted again. I want to forget about the ticking clock lodged in my heart and in my ovaries. Stuffing it with dick and false promises seems like a fun adventure. It feels good. It feels temporary. It feels real. My hopes and dreams can wait for a while. I just want to live in the now. I just want to take it all.
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