...but you came along and changed my mind...

So I placed my heart under lock and key 

To take some time, and take care of me 

But I turn around and you're standing here...

Oh man....wow...

Jose continually keeps knocking it out of the park. Home-run after home-run, with every text message, every phone call, every smile on his cute, chubby face...I look at him and I don't know whether I want to kiss him or slug him for not coming sooner. So this is happiness? And dammit, I deserve it. I won't back away from it.  I will bring the A-game now. I still step it up. I have GOT to be a better person, because this kid is fantastic. We could be amazing together.

Tuesday night was *supposed* to be our last date before I leave for New York City tomorrow, but we ended up caving and making a coffee date for tonight. 

Tuesday went very well. Jose abruptly got a call from his pal Joey that he'd be in town, so we had a third wheel on the "farewell" date. Burgers at Umami in Los Feliz, near my work. Joey was nice, a little rough around the edges, but not bad. He spent the better part of the night talking about his job at Shakey's and making fun of Jose, so we had some laughs. It was kinda funny seeing Jose squirm a little. At the end of the night, Jose and I kissed goodbye in my car, which prompted Joey to ask if he could be the godfather of our future children. I snorted out a laugh, feeling the red rushing to my face, and said sure...not knowing what else to say! Fun night. 

I could sit here and rehash the hundreds of text messages he and I have exchanged over the last few weeks, but the ones from the past 3 days have said it all...in our own words...because I can't do him justice...Jose is in the white and I'm the green, obviously...

I'm mush around him, and I don't fucking care...

The airport pick up...wow...I don't know about you, but in my dating history, the airport pick up is a big deal..this is boyfriend and girlfriend type stuff...he seems totally up for it, though..

He's equally mushy. "To Have and To Hold" is a popular Depeche Mode song that our favorite band Deftones famously covered...I got the reference and I liked it :)

Jose's mom is the mother of 6 kids. He's the oldest, along with a younger sister and two sets of boy/girl twins. His parents are divorced and he was explaining to me the relationship he currently has with his father.

 I am in awe of his mother and the love Jose has for her...he's told her loads about me and shown her my picture. She likes me and thinks I'm pretty...hopefully when I meet this special lady, I'll know the right thing to say...she's raised a good son :)

HE DIDN'T BALK! HE DIDN'T BALK! HE'S AGREED TO MEET MY ORNERY BUT SOMETIMES VERY SWEET SALVADORIAN SINGLE MOM!! Whoa, dude...whoa...first the airport pick up, now this?! Let's keep going! I like it!

This kid has brought his A game to the max. He doesn't back down and where others might have cowardly changed their mind, he soldiers ahead...*golf clap*

So...he and I do this thing where we race to see who can shower the fastest. He's smoked me every single time. I don't know why we started doing it, but it's now become a nightly occurrence. I am unabashedly silly with him 

And finally, the goodnights. Jose calls me a few pet names, but "chocolate chip" is by far my favorite. I think it's because of all the beauty marks I have on my face? Whatever the reason, it keeps me smiling.

***

I massively regret making this trip to New York City. The weather is going to suck because of Hurricane Sandy. My period is looming and could strike at any minute. Terry and Jay are a huge temptation now, whereas before they were part of the reason I was going. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to wall myself up in my Staten Island hotel room and sleep until the Deftones concert in Manhattan. (sigh)

All I want is Jose. 

When he meets my mom tonight, I hope it goes well. She can be a bit difficult and in her eyes, no guy is good enough for her baby daughter. I haven't brought a guy around to meet her in years, mostly because there just hasn't been anyone worth meeting. But Jose is different. He's incredibly worth meeting. He's worth waiting for. He's worth keeping. 

Is it Halloween night yet?

Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there...

I'm happy to report that this week went splendidly well and the adorable little romance between Jose and myself has not crumbled into a thousand pieces. Nothing has fizzled and he makes me very happy.

I can't get over how dear and sweet he is. I'm really not used to a guy being this nice to me. We had lunch together on Tuesday (his day off) while I was at work. We had the best conversation over veggie Whoppers, French Fries and Cokes. He picked me up in his '98 Corvette, blasting Deftones the whole way. When our little lunch date was over, he dropped me off at work and we kissed for a bit. Not gonna lie, I had butterflies the entire time. He's so genuine and down to earth. He makes me laugh. He's very engaging, very inquisitive, very truthful, honest, respectful, polite, well-mannered, sensitive, thoughtful, always excited to see me and cute as hell.

So of course I'm doing my best to fuck it up. Because deep down inside, I must think I don't deserve a guy this incredibly cool.

Ryan strikes again. He's 6 foot 1 inch, 190 lbs. of temptation. He is one giant fucking vice. He might as well be Satan. 

After not hearing from in over 5 months, I get a text out of the blue. From the moment I read the words flashing across my phone, I knew what this was. A booty call....or rather, a booty text. It only took like two movements and one sentence before he was inviting me over to smoke weed and listen to some prog metal. I hesitated....for like a second, then flew across to Echo Park like a bat out of hell. I tried to rationalize the whole thing to myself on the drive over. Jose's not my boyfriend. I'm single, for all intents and purposes. I want sex and Ryan gives it to me like nobody else. I'm already leaving in a week to New York for almost that exact same reason. This can't fail, right? RIGHT? I arrive at Ryan's and just before I walk up to his house, I read my text messages. Two from Jose: wishing me a fun night. He's out with friends. I quickly tell him we'll speak the next day, as we have a date planned the following evening. He texts a smiley face and says good night. I feel a phantom punch to my gut. I really am a horrible person. The worst. Rotten to the core. 

I try and explain my feelings of guilt to Ryan as he starts to undress me. It's stupid really, to talk to him about anything emotional. He lacks any true feelings. He acknowledges he's a supreme asshole. So I won't romanticize our night together, because I no longer feel romantic about him at all!! He's just one giant dick to me now, in both regards of the word. I used him for sex, and that's it. I didn't lay there and moon over him like I used to or drank every detail. Everything he said to me now brought me an incredible amount of annoyance. I compared him to Jose and was astounded at how shitty Ryan treats me. BUT I KNEW THIS! I KNEW THIS AND YET I KEPT COMING BACK TO HIM FOR MONTHS...fuck fuck fuck. And for what? A few minutes of hot (unprotected) sex and scandalous memories? It's not even worth it. I'd rather have my sweet text messages, tender kisses and fun dinner dates with Jose.

I stumbled home the next morning, cursing at myself for lowering my standards (again) and pissed that I had to now waste a perfectly good Plan B pill on Ryan. I was saving that for New York!! I could also feel Ryan's jizz leaking out of me on my walk of shame back to my car. Is this rock bottom yet?

I meet Jose for dinner that night around 8 pm. A shower, make-up, a hair straightener and a cute outfit works wonders and I look great, despite my sore arms and jaw. Jose's already gotten us a table at the Yardhouse. I swoop in (15 minutes late) and spot him in a booth across from the bar. He hasn't seen me yet, so I'm able to sneak up next to him and say hi. Boy, if you could see how much his face lit up. I smile and lean down to kiss him softly on the lips. And the rest was just perfect. We shared some Gardein buffalo wings and then watched Sinister. I'm a wuss for scary movies, so I was jumping the whole time. He was perfect and just held my hand. My favorite part was even before the movie started: we walked around the block holding hands, talking about everything and cracking up like dorks. He'd periodically punctuate our conversation with a kiss on the lips or a squeeze of my hand. I was floating. Oh, why the fuck am I leaving to New York on this crazy trip? I just want to stay here.

Here's one I took of us at dinner. I promise to get something better in broad daylight next time :)

At the end of the night, he walks me to my car and we make plans to see each other Tuesday, before I leave to NYC. The butterflies start up again....I can see the look on Jose's face, he knows it's coming. He stands before me, just too adorable in a red checkered flannel button up shirt and those Buddy Holly black-framed glasses. We draw closer, like magnets. I place my right hand on his face and he leans in to kiss me. Soft, sweet and warm. I pull away slightly and he gives me a quick peck on the lips, which always causes me to laugh. If I could just stay like that, my eyelashes tickling his cheek, his hands on my waist, I'd be happy.

But I've been here before. And yeah, I'm a cynic but who can blame me with my track record? Jose does deserve a chance and I'm willing to open up the walls (again) but I'm not putting all my eggs in a basket (again). My concentration right now is my liberation and it culminates with my trip to New York. I was supposed to be enjoying my freedom and not dying to get a boyfriend. 

It's true, I'm unafraid to try. I won't turn away from a great opportunity, I'm not stupid. I'll put my heart on the line....but Jose better come correct and with his A-game. Any guy can make me feel giggly like a school girl, but it takes a whole different kind of a man to be worth waiting for and make it to the other side of my sex vacation. If he stays in contact while I'm away and he's still around when I get back, then we might have an actual contender...we might have someone truly special. If it's meant to be, it'll be....no matter how much I fuck it up. There are things in this life that even stupid humans can't ruin. 

And now I know the truth: that anything could happen

Baby, I'll give you everything you need
I'll give you everything you need, oh
I'll give you everything you need
But I don't think I need you...

Behind the scenes, Terry and I have been working on the logistics of my trip while tip-toeing around the fact that he's going to be spending two nights at my hotel.

Me: you gonna spend the night on Saturday? 

Terry: sure

Me: how early would you have to work the next morning on Sunday?

Terry: Sunday i usually go in around 7

Me: okay. how nice, you'll get an early start staying at a moderately priced hotel lol lol

Terry: lol 

....

Me: you're welcome to stay another night into Monday. i'm trying not to be a chicken but yeah, i don't want to sleep alone 

Terry: lol I'm sure that will work

Me: sweet 

I know he and I are past flirting, but it's still kinda nice to maintain an air of mystery...can't say the same about Jay...

Jay: so when we sleep together when u get here ...I either want to spoon bottomless...so I can stick my dick in there easy when I get horny in the middle of the night...so if u wake up to me fucking u doggie on ur side ...don't worry

(!!!!!) Yikes.

Did he just describe a modified date rape fantasy? A little alarming what passes through the mind of your average American male. I wouldn't say he's a sex addict, just a little honest (and forthcoming) about his intentions. I'm not even scared. I've got a few filthy things on my list I'd like to cross off.

So while I'm planning the trip affectionately known as "Fuck-toberfest," something adorable happened.

At the Deftones tour opener in Ventura, I met a cute boy named Jose. I ignored him the entire time since I was talking to my friends. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed he was checking me out. A few days and a Facebook friend request later, we got to talking. It didn't take long...

Me: Did we meet in line? 

Jose: We shared a word or two I think. I know I saw you for sure I was right in front of you in line. Awesome show right?

Me: Frickin' amazing! Great way to bust open the tour. Were you wearing a black button up shirt? I'm sorry, just trying to place your face in line...

Jose: Yeah black button shirt. Trying to look fancy for Deftones!!! Lol. They rocked so hard. I was dying of sweat though. Pool of sweat!

Me: Aha! I knew it. So you were the cute one [...]

Me: Haha yeah and you were the cutey with the bad ass Ray Bans. 

....

Me: So I guess I'll see you in another 7 weeks for the Palladium show...unless you ever feel like hanging out before then  hit me up

Jose: [...] Yeah we should hang! Definitely... Maybe this weekend?

Me: This weekend is good actually. I'm not busy tomorrow night or Saturday night, so let me know what works best for you. Deftones fans are hard to find, so we all should hang out and be awesome together 

Jose: Haha yeah we are a rare breed. We should catch a flick and dinner or something. Or get a brew at this spot in downtown Burbank [...]

Me: No need to sell me on that, sounds good to me..I'm always up for drinks/brews. Tomorrow night? Or Saturday? [...]

Jose: Let's do Saturday night. Keep in touch! Deftones!!!! lol

Suddenly, I had plans...and the kid wasn't a dud. He was great at planning and had a cute sense of humor about what we should wear on our date...

The date went well last night, better than expected. I felt like I wasn't nervous at all, until we got to Fantasia and the bouncer asked why my fingers were shaking as I held up my ID. I guess I wasn't trembling from the cold...haha....

The basics: Jose is 27, a vegetarian and he lives in Burbank. He's a driver for Pep Boys (an auto parts store), so he's very knowledgeable on car repair and claims he can change my oil haha. He's of Mexican descent and is a practicing Christian. 

We made good conversation, just your standard "getting to know you" chit-chat peppered with jokes, hilarious digressions and crazy stories. We traded stories from the pit at Deftones shows and our own experiences meeting the band-members. We both have Deftones related tattoos, so that was kinda cool. He paid for all my drinks and cover charges. We watched the Silva/Bonnar UFC fight and the tail end of the Yankees/Tigers game before heading out for dessert. He convinced me to finally drink Thai iced tea with those gross tapioca balls. I drank the milky tea and he was happy to eat all the tapioca. The conversation was even better and we ended up calling it quits at midnight, only because the boba guys had to close up shop. Like a gentleman, he walked me back to my car and we shared a few soft, sweet kisses on the mouth. It was a tad awkward as he had a toothpick in his mouth (he's trying to quit smoking and this apparently helps him ease the craving), but he recovered nicely by tossing it and kissing me sweetly on the corner of my lips. I swooned all the way home. Then early this morning I see he's posted a status update about our little date:

Tonight... Tonight was good :)

I couldn't help but "like" that status. 

Okay, okay...so here's what he looks like...I couldn't find a recent picture where he was alone so I had to settle on a funny group picture...Jose is the one on the far right:

Funny boy.

Second date? Uhm....sure. He seems very, very sweet. I'll let him take the reigns, though. My hands are a little full with 13 days left till "Fuck-toberfest" so I'm not going to get all bent out of shape if I never hear from him again. Something tells me I'll see him sooner than later as we've spent most of today texting back and forth. I have the worst timing with vacations and boys, eh?

I said please don't slow me down if I'm going too fast

My new (and improved) sexual liberation partnered with my fresh perspective has kicked into overdrive. I don't know whether to continue pressing my foot on the gas and floor it.....or pump the brakes.

Vegas was uncertain. My ex-boyfriend Dan was going to be there. We exchanged texts and it seemed I had at least a sure thing with him.

But like most things with Dan nowadays, it quickly fell apart. We bickered, had a heated phone conversation, made up, pledged to at least try and have sex....but then we both made no effort. I concentrated on my drinking and he disappeared into a G-rated weekend with his parents. Oh well. I valued the extra hours of sleep I got the next morning and didn't even give him a second thought.

We all know the quirky little adage: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" right?

Truer words were never spoken. Every time I go there, single or not, I come back with a new experience and stories I can't tell...not even here. I haven't been sworn to secrecy or anything (okay maybe I have), but I do uphold the Vegas code.

What I can say is that while I was dancing like a crazy lady at PURE, a so-so trendy nightclub on Las Vegas Boulevard, I met a really nice guy named Brandon.

He was Canadian, from 45 minutes outside of Toronto. He was in Vegas for his buddy's bachelor party. We danced a few songs and we laughed as our friends drunkenly made moves on the dancefloor with each other. Brandon had the prettiest eyes framed in nerdy glasses and the most adorable smile. He was 25 and had never been to Vegas before. I kept thinking he looked strangely familiar, like I had seen him somewhere. The thought was nagging me. Halfway through dancing (well, more like I was grinding my butt up against his crotch) to "All I Do Is Win" the light-bulb went off in my head. Brandon was the spitting image of the character Ruxin from The League. Oh God.....is that bad or good? (I really got to dial back all the basic cable I watch.) The song is over and I turn around. I gotta get this kid's number or something. Maybe we should hook up? God, he looks fresh to death with that dress shirt, unbuttoned at the top and I can see a gold necklace and a smidge of chest hair. Is that a Star of David or a cross? God, he's got a cute little butt in those slacks. I am drinking him with my eyes, devouring every detail.

He signals at me. He's gotta go. One of his buddy's is not feeling well.

"I'll be back" he yells, slightly cupping my ear. It's so loud in here. I feel my smile fading.

"Okay" I yell back and try to recuperate my smile. I know he's not coming back.

He doesn't hug me nor does he kiss me. He fist bumps me. And then he's gone. 

For the rest of the weekend, I infinitely regretted not at least trying to kiss him. I felt unsettled. I felt haunted by my inability to seal the deal. I've done more with less! Am I losing my touch?

The need and desire to smash a guy carried over into the next night. I can't get into too much detail or else I break my Vegas vow....but me and one of my friends met a nice boy with quick green eyes named Mitch from Long Island, New York. Ohhhh, I am a sucker for that accent. He was drunk. We were drunk. He gave us a lap dance. We gave him dollar bills. He bought us drinks, we chugged them down. He asked us to dance, we sandwiched him in between us. He asked us to go back to his hotel room, we rewarded him with a threesome.

I will say this. I'm 0-2 in self-satisfaction. Mitch, next time don't drink all day and take your anti-depressant medication. Zoloft has the opposite effect of Viagra. Yet again, I drive home from Vegas with a sore jaw and a dirty feeling. But he was really cute though. Not as cute as Brandon, but he did the trick.

Cross another item off my sexual bucket list!

This trip to New York can't come soon enough. 23 days to go. I booked my room in Staten Island this afternoon. Terry and I discussed things to do in New Jersey and New York. It's all been very business and platonic, like how we always are. Jay, on the other hand, is dying to get at me. I do my best to give him monosyllabic answers or remain vague. It drives him crazy. 

The Big Apple Sexodus....I can't wait!