Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there...

I'm happy to report that this week went splendidly well and the adorable little romance between Jose and myself has not crumbled into a thousand pieces. Nothing has fizzled and he makes me very happy.

I can't get over how dear and sweet he is. I'm really not used to a guy being this nice to me. We had lunch together on Tuesday (his day off) while I was at work. We had the best conversation over veggie Whoppers, French Fries and Cokes. He picked me up in his '98 Corvette, blasting Deftones the whole way. When our little lunch date was over, he dropped me off at work and we kissed for a bit. Not gonna lie, I had butterflies the entire time. He's so genuine and down to earth. He makes me laugh. He's very engaging, very inquisitive, very truthful, honest, respectful, polite, well-mannered, sensitive, thoughtful, always excited to see me and cute as hell.

So of course I'm doing my best to fuck it up. Because deep down inside, I must think I don't deserve a guy this incredibly cool.

Ryan strikes again. He's 6 foot 1 inch, 190 lbs. of temptation. He is one giant fucking vice. He might as well be Satan. 

After not hearing from in over 5 months, I get a text out of the blue. From the moment I read the words flashing across my phone, I knew what this was. A booty call....or rather, a booty text. It only took like two movements and one sentence before he was inviting me over to smoke weed and listen to some prog metal. I hesitated....for like a second, then flew across to Echo Park like a bat out of hell. I tried to rationalize the whole thing to myself on the drive over. Jose's not my boyfriend. I'm single, for all intents and purposes. I want sex and Ryan gives it to me like nobody else. I'm already leaving in a week to New York for almost that exact same reason. This can't fail, right? RIGHT? I arrive at Ryan's and just before I walk up to his house, I read my text messages. Two from Jose: wishing me a fun night. He's out with friends. I quickly tell him we'll speak the next day, as we have a date planned the following evening. He texts a smiley face and says good night. I feel a phantom punch to my gut. I really am a horrible person. The worst. Rotten to the core. 

I try and explain my feelings of guilt to Ryan as he starts to undress me. It's stupid really, to talk to him about anything emotional. He lacks any true feelings. He acknowledges he's a supreme asshole. So I won't romanticize our night together, because I no longer feel romantic about him at all!! He's just one giant dick to me now, in both regards of the word. I used him for sex, and that's it. I didn't lay there and moon over him like I used to or drank every detail. Everything he said to me now brought me an incredible amount of annoyance. I compared him to Jose and was astounded at how shitty Ryan treats me. BUT I KNEW THIS! I KNEW THIS AND YET I KEPT COMING BACK TO HIM FOR MONTHS...fuck fuck fuck. And for what? A few minutes of hot (unprotected) sex and scandalous memories? It's not even worth it. I'd rather have my sweet text messages, tender kisses and fun dinner dates with Jose.

I stumbled home the next morning, cursing at myself for lowering my standards (again) and pissed that I had to now waste a perfectly good Plan B pill on Ryan. I was saving that for New York!! I could also feel Ryan's jizz leaking out of me on my walk of shame back to my car. Is this rock bottom yet?

I meet Jose for dinner that night around 8 pm. A shower, make-up, a hair straightener and a cute outfit works wonders and I look great, despite my sore arms and jaw. Jose's already gotten us a table at the Yardhouse. I swoop in (15 minutes late) and spot him in a booth across from the bar. He hasn't seen me yet, so I'm able to sneak up next to him and say hi. Boy, if you could see how much his face lit up. I smile and lean down to kiss him softly on the lips. And the rest was just perfect. We shared some Gardein buffalo wings and then watched Sinister. I'm a wuss for scary movies, so I was jumping the whole time. He was perfect and just held my hand. My favorite part was even before the movie started: we walked around the block holding hands, talking about everything and cracking up like dorks. He'd periodically punctuate our conversation with a kiss on the lips or a squeeze of my hand. I was floating. Oh, why the fuck am I leaving to New York on this crazy trip? I just want to stay here.

Here's one I took of us at dinner. I promise to get something better in broad daylight next time :)

At the end of the night, he walks me to my car and we make plans to see each other Tuesday, before I leave to NYC. The butterflies start up again....I can see the look on Jose's face, he knows it's coming. He stands before me, just too adorable in a red checkered flannel button up shirt and those Buddy Holly black-framed glasses. We draw closer, like magnets. I place my right hand on his face and he leans in to kiss me. Soft, sweet and warm. I pull away slightly and he gives me a quick peck on the lips, which always causes me to laugh. If I could just stay like that, my eyelashes tickling his cheek, his hands on my waist, I'd be happy.

But I've been here before. And yeah, I'm a cynic but who can blame me with my track record? Jose does deserve a chance and I'm willing to open up the walls (again) but I'm not putting all my eggs in a basket (again). My concentration right now is my liberation and it culminates with my trip to New York. I was supposed to be enjoying my freedom and not dying to get a boyfriend. 

It's true, I'm unafraid to try. I won't turn away from a great opportunity, I'm not stupid. I'll put my heart on the line....but Jose better come correct and with his A-game. Any guy can make me feel giggly like a school girl, but it takes a whole different kind of a man to be worth waiting for and make it to the other side of my sex vacation. If he stays in contact while I'm away and he's still around when I get back, then we might have an actual contender...we might have someone truly special. If it's meant to be, it'll be....no matter how much I fuck it up. There are things in this life that even stupid humans can't ruin.