The longer that I wait, the more selfish that I get...

You seem like you'd be a good dad..

As we embark on our next year together, I'm pleased to find moments with Jose that remind me how much I love him and reveal experiences that show how much I will continue loving him.

The lovey-dovey nature of the first few months hasn't exactly washed away. It's corny as hell, but every once and a while I have to sit back and stare at him in secret. Is he real? Am I dreaming? I'm amazed at the way my heart keeps growing. I find more room in my heart to love him. It is ever-expanding this heart of mine.

And it's not because of anything he says, but more with what he does. Actions will always speak louder than words.

His second nephew Sean was born last week and we visited the tiny little human in the hospital. Jose's sister Stephanie was shuffling around in her pajamas and fuzzy robe, glowing with motherhood. I felt a little pang of jealousy as Jose's family crowded around her and the baby, all of them in a happy daze that the unwed 18 year old In & Out Burger waitress was on her way to becoming a great mom. I'm 29 and barreling towards 30 in about 2 months and I have no clue if and when I'll ever have children. As I had told Jose, children for me right now are a far-off fantasy. All the children I hope to have live in "someday" land. They're all just wishes I hold deep in my heart and I don't know if I can put a deadline on when I want to have them. So many of my friends have had babies this year or are expecting, and the idea of not being married or living with Jose while we wait to make a human terrifies the shit out of me.

I guess I'm envious at how easy-breezy Stephanie and her boyfriend make it look. While they're okay with "figuring it out" and letting things sort themselves out, I know that's not what I want and I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I truly want. I know what my life plan is...the baby part is just a lot more hazy right now.

They ask me if I want to hold the baby and I get nervous. I let Jose go first, who proudly takes Sean in his arms. Sean doesn't even wake up. He barely even stirs. I watch Jose hold the teeny-tiny baby and my heart swells with joy. Watching him hold that baby reassures me that I've found a good guy. I've found a great partner who will help me *hopefully* become a real mom...maybe I'll finally get over this anxiety and self-doubt...

I find the courage to hold the baby but not before sitting down so I don't get even more nervous about dropping him on the floor. I hold Sean for maybe a minute. My palms are sweaty and I'm anxious. I don't move a muscle. I take a few pictures and hand him back. Jose scoops him up and he holds him for another long while. I wish I could feel that way and have an instant love for the baby. The truth is, I've never really felt like that about anyone's kid (even my own relations) and it worries me that I'll always be that way. It's gotta be different when I finally have kids, right? At least I can count on Jose who continually bests at me at being loving, kind and sensitive. Toddlers, babies and little kids always love Jose and he has a wealth of patience. I see him holding Sean and I know that he'll be a tremendous father someday. Ah, someday someday...

As we drive home from the hospital, I ask Jose if seeing his brand-new nephew made him want to have children of his own. He nods and says it sure does. We've always talked about having kids, what kind of parents we'll be and even what we'd want to name them....but both of us holding a tiny life form, I think, made it seem all too real. Having a baby with Jose seems like the happiest horizon. He tells me I'll be a good mom and I believe him. Now if only I would believe in myself and replace this heavy feeling of inadequacy...

***

On the flip side, Jose can also be pretty manly and handy with a socket-wrench. He's a bit of a self-taught greasemonkey: he works at Pep Boys and recently resurrected his '88 Civic. I kinda fancy him an amateur mechanic with the knowledge and experience to hopefully work in a legitimate shop someday. He volunteered to change the oil in my car and did an amazing job. I just stood there in awe....hahahah...he's absolutely the manliest boyfriend I've ever had...

Is it bad that I wanted him to kiss me and put his dirty, greasy hands all over me in a fit of passion? I swear, looking at his cute butt all day while he worked on my car made me crazy. And then when he'd get up from under the car for a breath of air, he'd be all sweaty and stuff. I would've had sex with him there in the driveway if the neighbors weren't around hahahha just kidding! I'm just his #1 cheerleader. I look at this kid and I feel blessed. He's the one. We're going to be great teammates in this life of ours.

It feels good to know you're mine...

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me and el jefe Jose!!!

We had a great time celebrating our first year together. Two Nine Inch Nails concerts on Thursday and Friday night, then dinner and a movie on Sunday night. I got him a $30 gift certificate to Harbor Freight Tools and he got me a Bad Religion shirt along with an AMC gift card and purple orchids.

I think it's worth mentioning that just days prior to our anniversary, we had out first real argument. And it wasn't even in person and it wasn't even about anything real. We have differing opinions on marijuana. I quit in late January of 2012 and though I don't mind the legalization of pot or people using it for medicine, I do have a problem with people close to me using/selling/acquiring it illegally. I know the State of California has legalized it, to an extent, that doesn't mean I want my boyfriend or my friends smoking it and possibly landing themselves in jail. Jose has stopped smoking marijuana for a long time now, since before I met him, but he remembers weed a lot more fondly than I do. I made a point to say I didn't want him using it and jeopardizing his life, whereas he felt I was telling him what he can and cannot do. He felt I was talking to him like he was a little kid. I would post the text conversation but it went on for hours and carried on to the next day while we waited in line to see NIN at Jimmy Kimmel. I asked him why did he come to the concert with me if he was not going to talk to me, to which he asked quite coldly: "Should I NOT have come?" It was a tone he had never spoken to me in. 

I thought the fight was over because it had stopped on text but he was still mad at me and wouldn't talk to me in person. I finally broke down and apologized, though to this day I honestly don't know what I did wrong exactly. He told me he felt I was belittling his argument and throwing out all he had to say. Not sure how I did that, so I apologized again. He was quiet for a bit and then started talking to me again. He went back to laughing and reached out to hug me. By the time Trent Reznor took the stage at around 8 pm, Jose was holding me from behind and singing along to our favorite NIN songs. He was his happy self and was back to giving me kisses. Is it bad I capitulated? I don't know. I feel as though this issue isn't something to go to war over. Nothing concrete has even happened, we just have different points of view on the issue. It doesn't matter enough to me to drag it out. 

I thought this would ruin our anniversary weekend but it didn't even leave a mark. We still talked about moving in together and how awesome the future looks. He remarked this was the longest relationship he has even been in. I said it was the most loving and happiest relationship for me. I love this kid so much. If in a little over 365 days together, we only bicker like twice....then I'm okay with that. It's a recipe for an overall happy and healthy life.

Home is wherever I'm with you...

Sunday night I was over at Jose's house watching movies. We decided to cuddle on his bed and make spoons. We rarely get time alone to ourselves in an intimate setting, so this was a delightful treat to feel him holding me which inevitably turns into tickle-fights, jokes about farting, digressions from the movie that meander into hilarious conversations about totally unrelated topics from the movie and of course, some kissing and the oxymoron of "light" heavy petting. By the time I check my watch, it's late and I need to go home. The next morning I tell Jose that I really enjoyed snuggling with him on his bed. I also lament the fact that I always have to leave his warm embrace. I remark that one day I won't have to leave...

That launches us into a conversation about moving in together! Ahhhh!! We don't discuss it at length but he tells me he wants to start saving money so we can a place. JOY!!! I think about the money I've set aside for an emergency or something I really want. My heart sinks at the thought of maybe not using that money to fly to Australia and see my pals in January...but my heart quickly soars at the idea of sharing a home with Jose and making him dinner after a long day at work. Ah! The possibilities. I think about the last time I moved in with a guy (ack barf Dan blech!) and then I think about the prospect of moving in with Jose. Things are SO different now. It's like night and day. Whereas before, I could already feel the error in my ways as soon as the ink dried on those lease papers (I was never meant to be ready)....with Jose, I feel an overall sense of peace, happiness and tranquility. It brings me immense satisfaction knowing I can try and make Jose happy each and every day. For him, I would. For him, I would be the best that I could be. Ahhhhh! SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER LIFE HAS FOR US!!! :D