You seem like you'd be a good dad..
As we embark on our next year together, I'm pleased to find moments with Jose that remind me how much I love him and reveal experiences that show how much I will continue loving him.
The lovey-dovey nature of the first few months hasn't exactly washed away. It's corny as hell, but every once and a while I have to sit back and stare at him in secret. Is he real? Am I dreaming? I'm amazed at the way my heart keeps growing. I find more room in my heart to love him. It is ever-expanding this heart of mine.
And it's not because of anything he says, but more with what he does. Actions will always speak louder than words.
His second nephew Sean was born last week and we visited the tiny little human in the hospital. Jose's sister Stephanie was shuffling around in her pajamas and fuzzy robe, glowing with motherhood. I felt a little pang of jealousy as Jose's family crowded around her and the baby, all of them in a happy daze that the unwed 18 year old In & Out Burger waitress was on her way to becoming a great mom. I'm 29 and barreling towards 30 in about 2 months and I have no clue if and when I'll ever have children. As I had told Jose, children for me right now are a far-off fantasy. All the children I hope to have live in "someday" land. They're all just wishes I hold deep in my heart and I don't know if I can put a deadline on when I want to have them. So many of my friends have had babies this year or are expecting, and the idea of not being married or living with Jose while we wait to make a human terrifies the shit out of me.
I guess I'm envious at how easy-breezy Stephanie and her boyfriend make it look. While they're okay with "figuring it out" and letting things sort themselves out, I know that's not what I want and I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I truly want. I know what my life plan is...the baby part is just a lot more hazy right now.
They ask me if I want to hold the baby and I get nervous. I let Jose go first, who proudly takes Sean in his arms. Sean doesn't even wake up. He barely even stirs. I watch Jose hold the teeny-tiny baby and my heart swells with joy. Watching him hold that baby reassures me that I've found a good guy. I've found a great partner who will help me *hopefully* become a real mom...maybe I'll finally get over this anxiety and self-doubt...
I find the courage to hold the baby but not before sitting down so I don't get even more nervous about dropping him on the floor. I hold Sean for maybe a minute. My palms are sweaty and I'm anxious. I don't move a muscle. I take a few pictures and hand him back. Jose scoops him up and he holds him for another long while. I wish I could feel that way and have an instant love for the baby. The truth is, I've never really felt like that about anyone's kid (even my own relations) and it worries me that I'll always be that way. It's gotta be different when I finally have kids, right? At least I can count on Jose who continually bests at me at being loving, kind and sensitive. Toddlers, babies and little kids always love Jose and he has a wealth of patience. I see him holding Sean and I know that he'll be a tremendous father someday. Ah, someday someday...
As we drive home from the hospital, I ask Jose if seeing his brand-new nephew made him want to have children of his own. He nods and says it sure does. We've always talked about having kids, what kind of parents we'll be and even what we'd want to name them....but both of us holding a tiny life form, I think, made it seem all too real. Having a baby with Jose seems like the happiest horizon. He tells me I'll be a good mom and I believe him. Now if only I would believe in myself and replace this heavy feeling of inadequacy...
***
On the flip side, Jose can also be pretty manly and handy with a socket-wrench. He's a bit of a self-taught greasemonkey: he works at Pep Boys and recently resurrected his '88 Civic. I kinda fancy him an amateur mechanic with the knowledge and experience to hopefully work in a legitimate shop someday. He volunteered to change the oil in my car and did an amazing job. I just stood there in awe....hahahah...he's absolutely the manliest boyfriend I've ever had...
Is it bad that I wanted him to kiss me and put his dirty, greasy hands all over me in a fit of passion? I swear, looking at his cute butt all day while he worked on my car made me crazy. And then when he'd get up from under the car for a breath of air, he'd be all sweaty and stuff. I would've had sex with him there in the driveway if the neighbors weren't around hahahha just kidding! I'm just his #1 cheerleader. I look at this kid and I feel blessed. He's the one. We're going to be great teammates in this life of ours.
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