The longer that I wait, the more selfish that I get...

You seem like you'd be a good dad..

As we embark on our next year together, I'm pleased to find moments with Jose that remind me how much I love him and reveal experiences that show how much I will continue loving him.

The lovey-dovey nature of the first few months hasn't exactly washed away. It's corny as hell, but every once and a while I have to sit back and stare at him in secret. Is he real? Am I dreaming? I'm amazed at the way my heart keeps growing. I find more room in my heart to love him. It is ever-expanding this heart of mine.

And it's not because of anything he says, but more with what he does. Actions will always speak louder than words.

His second nephew Sean was born last week and we visited the tiny little human in the hospital. Jose's sister Stephanie was shuffling around in her pajamas and fuzzy robe, glowing with motherhood. I felt a little pang of jealousy as Jose's family crowded around her and the baby, all of them in a happy daze that the unwed 18 year old In & Out Burger waitress was on her way to becoming a great mom. I'm 29 and barreling towards 30 in about 2 months and I have no clue if and when I'll ever have children. As I had told Jose, children for me right now are a far-off fantasy. All the children I hope to have live in "someday" land. They're all just wishes I hold deep in my heart and I don't know if I can put a deadline on when I want to have them. So many of my friends have had babies this year or are expecting, and the idea of not being married or living with Jose while we wait to make a human terrifies the shit out of me.

I guess I'm envious at how easy-breezy Stephanie and her boyfriend make it look. While they're okay with "figuring it out" and letting things sort themselves out, I know that's not what I want and I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I truly want. I know what my life plan is...the baby part is just a lot more hazy right now.

They ask me if I want to hold the baby and I get nervous. I let Jose go first, who proudly takes Sean in his arms. Sean doesn't even wake up. He barely even stirs. I watch Jose hold the teeny-tiny baby and my heart swells with joy. Watching him hold that baby reassures me that I've found a good guy. I've found a great partner who will help me *hopefully* become a real mom...maybe I'll finally get over this anxiety and self-doubt...

I find the courage to hold the baby but not before sitting down so I don't get even more nervous about dropping him on the floor. I hold Sean for maybe a minute. My palms are sweaty and I'm anxious. I don't move a muscle. I take a few pictures and hand him back. Jose scoops him up and he holds him for another long while. I wish I could feel that way and have an instant love for the baby. The truth is, I've never really felt like that about anyone's kid (even my own relations) and it worries me that I'll always be that way. It's gotta be different when I finally have kids, right? At least I can count on Jose who continually bests at me at being loving, kind and sensitive. Toddlers, babies and little kids always love Jose and he has a wealth of patience. I see him holding Sean and I know that he'll be a tremendous father someday. Ah, someday someday...

As we drive home from the hospital, I ask Jose if seeing his brand-new nephew made him want to have children of his own. He nods and says it sure does. We've always talked about having kids, what kind of parents we'll be and even what we'd want to name them....but both of us holding a tiny life form, I think, made it seem all too real. Having a baby with Jose seems like the happiest horizon. He tells me I'll be a good mom and I believe him. Now if only I would believe in myself and replace this heavy feeling of inadequacy...

***

On the flip side, Jose can also be pretty manly and handy with a socket-wrench. He's a bit of a self-taught greasemonkey: he works at Pep Boys and recently resurrected his '88 Civic. I kinda fancy him an amateur mechanic with the knowledge and experience to hopefully work in a legitimate shop someday. He volunteered to change the oil in my car and did an amazing job. I just stood there in awe....hahahah...he's absolutely the manliest boyfriend I've ever had...

Is it bad that I wanted him to kiss me and put his dirty, greasy hands all over me in a fit of passion? I swear, looking at his cute butt all day while he worked on my car made me crazy. And then when he'd get up from under the car for a breath of air, he'd be all sweaty and stuff. I would've had sex with him there in the driveway if the neighbors weren't around hahahha just kidding! I'm just his #1 cheerleader. I look at this kid and I feel blessed. He's the one. We're going to be great teammates in this life of ours.

It feels good to know you're mine...

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me and el jefe Jose!!!

We had a great time celebrating our first year together. Two Nine Inch Nails concerts on Thursday and Friday night, then dinner and a movie on Sunday night. I got him a $30 gift certificate to Harbor Freight Tools and he got me a Bad Religion shirt along with an AMC gift card and purple orchids.

I think it's worth mentioning that just days prior to our anniversary, we had out first real argument. And it wasn't even in person and it wasn't even about anything real. We have differing opinions on marijuana. I quit in late January of 2012 and though I don't mind the legalization of pot or people using it for medicine, I do have a problem with people close to me using/selling/acquiring it illegally. I know the State of California has legalized it, to an extent, that doesn't mean I want my boyfriend or my friends smoking it and possibly landing themselves in jail. Jose has stopped smoking marijuana for a long time now, since before I met him, but he remembers weed a lot more fondly than I do. I made a point to say I didn't want him using it and jeopardizing his life, whereas he felt I was telling him what he can and cannot do. He felt I was talking to him like he was a little kid. I would post the text conversation but it went on for hours and carried on to the next day while we waited in line to see NIN at Jimmy Kimmel. I asked him why did he come to the concert with me if he was not going to talk to me, to which he asked quite coldly: "Should I NOT have come?" It was a tone he had never spoken to me in. 

I thought the fight was over because it had stopped on text but he was still mad at me and wouldn't talk to me in person. I finally broke down and apologized, though to this day I honestly don't know what I did wrong exactly. He told me he felt I was belittling his argument and throwing out all he had to say. Not sure how I did that, so I apologized again. He was quiet for a bit and then started talking to me again. He went back to laughing and reached out to hug me. By the time Trent Reznor took the stage at around 8 pm, Jose was holding me from behind and singing along to our favorite NIN songs. He was his happy self and was back to giving me kisses. Is it bad I capitulated? I don't know. I feel as though this issue isn't something to go to war over. Nothing concrete has even happened, we just have different points of view on the issue. It doesn't matter enough to me to drag it out. 

I thought this would ruin our anniversary weekend but it didn't even leave a mark. We still talked about moving in together and how awesome the future looks. He remarked this was the longest relationship he has even been in. I said it was the most loving and happiest relationship for me. I love this kid so much. If in a little over 365 days together, we only bicker like twice....then I'm okay with that. It's a recipe for an overall happy and healthy life.

Home is wherever I'm with you...

Sunday night I was over at Jose's house watching movies. We decided to cuddle on his bed and make spoons. We rarely get time alone to ourselves in an intimate setting, so this was a delightful treat to feel him holding me which inevitably turns into tickle-fights, jokes about farting, digressions from the movie that meander into hilarious conversations about totally unrelated topics from the movie and of course, some kissing and the oxymoron of "light" heavy petting. By the time I check my watch, it's late and I need to go home. The next morning I tell Jose that I really enjoyed snuggling with him on his bed. I also lament the fact that I always have to leave his warm embrace. I remark that one day I won't have to leave...

That launches us into a conversation about moving in together! Ahhhh!! We don't discuss it at length but he tells me he wants to start saving money so we can a place. JOY!!! I think about the money I've set aside for an emergency or something I really want. My heart sinks at the thought of maybe not using that money to fly to Australia and see my pals in January...but my heart quickly soars at the idea of sharing a home with Jose and making him dinner after a long day at work. Ah! The possibilities. I think about the last time I moved in with a guy (ack barf Dan blech!) and then I think about the prospect of moving in with Jose. Things are SO different now. It's like night and day. Whereas before, I could already feel the error in my ways as soon as the ink dried on those lease papers (I was never meant to be ready)....with Jose, I feel an overall sense of peace, happiness and tranquility. It brings me immense satisfaction knowing I can try and make Jose happy each and every day. For him, I would. For him, I would be the best that I could be. Ahhhhh! SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER LIFE HAS FOR US!!! :D

This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be..

A year ago today I had just rolled up to see the Deftones open their tour for "Koi No Yokan" in Ventura. Knowing my friends were already standing in line, I didn't think much of cutting in line and sneaking in behind a bunch of kids I had never met before. They seem to know my friends already, what was the harm? So I didn't look like a total scum bag, I introduced myself to each and every one of them.

And there he was. Jose. Only I didn't even know his name yet or much less how he would change my life.
We were just two perfect strangers....

When I remember the moment I first laid eyes on him, it all plays out in slow motion. I can see him clear as day smiling back at me as I said "hi" and shook his hand. He was just the cutest thing I had ever seen. I kick myself for not trying to talk to him that day....

We met on a Tuesday. Friend requested by Thursday. On our first date by Saturday. Together officially as a couple exactly a month later.

I'm so glad I took a chance and went on that date. The love I have for this boy is immeasurable. He really is a dream come true.

I took this picture on the day we met, shortly after we introduced ourselves. I have this vivid memory of him photo-bombing my pictures so he could get my attention. I still have all those pictures saved on my phone. How could I ever forget? :) 

You & me we're in this together now...

So...uhhhh....I think we had our first disagreement? I don't know what you would call it since it wasn't really like a fight. I think both parties need to be verbal and engaging in a dialogue to call it a fight. Let me explain.

My friend Nancy was throwing a huge Mexican themed birthday/costume party. Jose and I picked out our outfits and were the first ones to arrive in Sylmar, about 40 minutes north from my house. Since Jose wanted to drink I happily agreed to be the designated driver and refrained from drinking the whole night. He brought his own 6 pack of Bohemia beers and had drank two of those before the rest of the guests even showed up. The late summer heat was not helping and instead of drinking more water, Jose was drinking beer like it was running out. Maybe not a good start to the night.

The party got going around 9:30 and by then Jose was well on his way to getting pretty hammered. Two tequila shots and 5 beers later, Jose is starting to dance and tell everyone he's fucked up. Our friends can't help but laugh at him. It's 11 pm and Jose is extremely drunk. He's telling everyone he's "fucked up" and can't sit still. By midnight, he can't even stand without wobbling. I get him to stop drinking. He then becomes unresponsive. When I call his name, he doesn't look up. His eyes are glazed over and he can't close his mouth. He is sweating profusely. I am so worried, I feel like I could cry. I maintain a straight face and mop the sweat off his forehead. I try to get him to drink some water but he only takes a few sips before accidentally dropping the bottle. He is NOT okay. He's acting strange. Jose keeps getting up to dance but he can't focus and he starts veering towards the pool. I freak out because the last thing I need is for him to fall in. My friends try to help and get him to eat something, but he won't listen. I keep pulling him around by the arm so he'll sit down but he jerks away from me and wanders in a daze among the party-goers like he's drugged up or sleep walking. I manage to get him to sit down finally but he bolts away again, stepping on my feet (I'm wearing sandals, ouch!) and smashing me in the right ear (I'm wearing dangly earrings, double ouch!). At that point, I am fed up. "Where are you going??!" I ask him as I try to gain control of his arm. All the other kids at the party laugh at me struggling to get Jose to slow down. Some ask if he's okay. I only mutter that he's fine but "a little drunk." I finally realize he's actually blacked out drunk. Jose has made a bee-line towards the restroom. As we wait for the toilet to become available, I try talking to him in a loud whisper but he's not reacting to my voice. He looks at me but he doesn't focus. He stares at me, as if asleep with his eyes open. His jaw is slightly open. He's sweating heavily. I snap my fingers to get him to wake up but it's no use. I seriously have to fight back tears. This isn't my baby. This isn't my boyfriend. This isn't Jose.

Finally, the bathroom door opens and Jose slowly walks in. He closes the door and is in there a good 20 minutes, not making a sound. After waiting for what feels like an eternity, I decide to knock on the door. "Jose? Are you okay in there?" I ask. No response. Not a single sound. My friend Sandra comes to help and I discover the door was never locked to begin with. I open it and peek inside. Jose is sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles and he looks like he's ready to pass out. My blood is boiling. I need to get him the FUCK out of here. "JOSE!" I snap. I get his attention (sort of) and demand that he get up, put his pants and boxers up and wash his hands. We are leaving, NOW! No time to flush the toilet. I don't even want to look. With the aid of my friends, we collect our stuff and go but not before Jose accidentally knocks over an unfinished beer someone left on the patio. It spills all over Nancy's back porch. I mutter, "Sorry" and rush to grab Jose before he gets any closer to the pool or before anyone sees the river of beer he created. I drag him by the arm and tell him to be careful with the steps in the dark. Getting him into my car is yet another struggle. I suddenly realize how much bigger, taller and heavier Jose is than me. It takes forever to get him to sit down, swing his legs into the car and buckle his seat belt. He won't listen and keeps trying to get out of the car. JEEZ! He might as well be an overgrown toddler! I am now practically yelling at him to pay attention and behave. It's so frustrating and worrying that he's not talking. I just hope he doesn't vomit on the drive home, like he's a baby or something. Finally, I get him to settle down and I use my GPS to get the heck outta of Sylmar. The whole drive home, Jose is passed out. He makes a couple of grumbling noises but when I ask him if he's okay, he doesn't answer.

It's not till almost 2 in the morning that we finally arrive at his house in Burbank. I sigh and look over at the passed out Jose who is only now slowly starting to wake up. The trip from my car, up the flight of stairs and to his front door is daunting. I feel like I'm about to climb Mount Everest with a passed out Jose strapped to my back. It takes me over 10 minutes to do what normally only takes like one minute. Buzzing myself into his apartment complex, leading Jose by his arm and climbing up the steps is a total ordeal. I feel like I'm herding a reluctant animal. Once I get to his front door, I fish Jose's keys out of his pocket and struggle to find the right one. Trial and error. I must have tried every single key. What is this kid, a janitor? So many keys. We finally get inside and I plop Jose on his couch since the path to his room is blocked by his sleeping nephew, who Jose almost steps on. Jose passes out and I tell his sister Diana to take care of him. I tell her he's blacked out. I drive home and by the time I finally crawl into my bed, my anger has reached a tipping point. I fire a text message to my comatose boyfriend:

I have never been so upset at him. He called me after we texted and apologized. As soon as I heard his voice on the line, the anger subsided and I was so glad he could talk again. He sounded normal and that made me feel super relieved. I made it very clear to him that I was okay with him being sorry but I was not okay with the situation the previous night. He promised to never drink that much again and apologized for everything that happened and all he put me through. He promised he'd go with me to my friend's baby shower that afternoon and when I saw him show up at my front step, I ran to hug him. "You're alive!" I said and we kissed. I can't stay mad at him. We took a nap together on my bed and we even made time for a little make up sex. Well, more like make up oral...you get the idea. Anyway, all the bad stuff of the previous night melted away and we eventually were able to laugh about it. I knew he was sorry and I knew it would never happen again. I believe him. I really do.

He's my heart. I would do anything to take care of him and make sure he's okay. Would I do it again? YES. In a heartbeat....but I don't wanna have to. I know Jose understands that. 

Can you promise that to the grave, you'll take my name?

Change of pace, some good times this past weekend. My cousin got married and Jose got to meet my extended family. I was a bridesmaid and Jose helped me take a bunch of pictures when I couldn't get to my camera. He even caught the garter during the wedding reception!! Wonderful, wonderful night. We danced, we drank, we ate and laughed together as a family. Felt great!!

My aunt asked me what kind of flowers I want at my wedding. Hah! We shall see :)

The catch of the night!!!

A while back I caught the bouquet at my other cousin's wedding and I was dating Dan at the time. He was visibly not as thrilled as I was at the thought of getting married. Jose, on the other hand, tripped while diving for the garter. He was excited and when everyone teased him about being the next to get married, he was all smiles. He really is the guy for me. The picture of what my future looks like is getting more clear with every passing day. The focus is sharpening and I see Jose there. I would love to marry him someday. I want to share my whole life with him.

I can tell you ain't laughed in a while, but I wanna see that crooked smile...

Sorry for the cliff hanger but things have turned around for Jose's mother.

Sounds like all the charges minus one have been dropped. I think she's being fined for the possession of a controlled substance inside the jail. She thankfully will see no jail time, which is a huge relief. The detectives kept her cell phone and of course she'll have this charge on her record for the rest of her life. I was over at Jose's house late last week and ran into his mom. I don't think she was expecting to see me and I caught her by surprise. I just hugged her tight and told her I was glad she was home. She didn't even know what to say. I saw her once more on Monday and she seemed a lot more upbeat. We made polite chit-chat, as we usually do when Jose and I are getting ready to leave for dinner. The next day Jose tells me his mom wants to have a chat with me. I say that's fine, that she's more than welcome to tell me where and when. I know she no longer has a cell phone, so I resolve to leave it up to her on how to contact me. Then last night, Jose tells me his mom has written me a letter and he'll give it to me the next time we hang out. Gulp. I wonder what that's all about? I'm sure she's probably eager to apologize or explain herself. 

I really don't think what's inside that letter is going to make me sympathize with her. I am extremely disappointed in how she acted. This whole incident has dealt Jose a crushing blow to his heart. He confessed he can't even trust his own mother. He's worried about money, the future and Lord knows what else. For the first time in our 10 months together, we were sad and frustrated with each other. Even I couldn't cheer him up. It pains me to see him in such distress and knowing that his mom is the cause of all it makes me very upset. All of Jose's savings are gone because of her. Ugh. It just makes me sick to think. Maybe Jose can forgive her right away but I can't. I don't know if I want to read her letter.

There's been a glimmer of hope lately and Jose's received good news. He admitted he was finally happy and things are starting to slowly return to normal. I am doing my best to be supportive and love him every step of the way. We're on the road to what I hope are better times. As Jose said, things will be okay. "No one died. We got our jobs. We have a roof over our heads." He's right and it feels so good to hear him say that. Like I told him, sometimes a girl just wants to hear her man tell her it's all gonna be fine.

Never let 'em see you frown

And if you need a friend to pick you up, I'll be around

And we can ride with the windows down, the music loud

I can tell you ain't laughed in a while, but I wanna see that crooked smile..