First of all, on the day of his little sister Stephanie's high school graduation, Jose's mom decided then and there was the right time to tell him that Steph was nearly 5 months pregnant. I had already known for a few weeks but had been sworn to secrecy by Jose's mom. We were already sitting down in our seats in the auditorium, so there was nowhere for Jose to ask more questions or flip out. He just muttered, "Oh man" and slumped back in his seat. Everyone was clapping and cheering the new graduates on, this was not the time or place to yell or scream. I felt my face burn with embarrassment and I looked at Jose, ready to offer comfort and support but he wouldn't look at me. He looked straight ahead at the back of the chair in front of him and clapped along with the rest of us. He kept a straight face on and acted like nothing was going on during the entire ceremony. It wasn't until Steph had to deliver her speech as the class valedictorian that emotions started to break through. Steph thanked her mom and all her brothers and sisters for supporting her. She gave a special thank-you to Jose for stepping up and being a father figure to all the siblings when they were growing up. I grabbed Jose's hand and held it tight as he started to cry. It was weird, I had never heard him really cry. There were a couple of times where he had been choked up at memorial services for musician Chi Cheng, but this was new. He was openly sobbing as he sat next to me. I squeezed on his right hand with my left; I squeezed three times really fast which is our code for "I Love You." I could feel him shaking and hiccuping, trying to stop himself from crying but he couldn't. Steph was smiling and her little braces gleamed under the auditorium lights. She was so thankful to her big brother Jose. I knew he was crying from happiness and maybe a little because of the uncertainty of the child she was now carrying. Jose squeezed my hand back three times and wiped the tears from his eyes, pushing his glasses away. I kissed him and smiled. This is a good man. This is a great man.
Second revelation came this past Sunday. My family had a barbecue for my nephew, who also graduated high school. All eyes were on Jose and my cousin Carmen asked him when we were going to get married. We both laughed and refused to answer the question directly. We sat around eating good food and talking about everything on the front porch. When we moved to the shadier back porch, we sat on the steps of the back stoop and I played with Jose's watch. I noticed something on the inside of his left arm. A small, C-shaped scar. It's almost unnoticeable but it caught my eye. "How'd you get this one?" I asked, poking at the little scar. He looks away and shrugs, "I cut myself with a knife." I scoff, "Really? Doing what? That's very high up for someone to be cooking. Was it an accident?" He looks over at me a little grimly, "I cut myself on purpose. I had a girlfriend in high school and she broke up with me. So I got sad and tried to get her back by bleeding into a glass vial." I laughed liked an idiot because I thought he was joking. But he wasn't. He goes on to explain that in his heartbroken state, he decided to be weirdly romantic and give this girl his blood. At first pricking his finger didn't work, so he cut his arm and then when that didn't work, he cut his leg and bled into a small glass container your keep paint in for model cars.
"What happened when you gave her the blood? Did she take you back? Did she scream?" I ask, still not believing Jose would ever do something that morbid.
"Nope. She took it, said thanks and that was it."
"Oh" I say.
"Please don't tell anybody about that" he asks quickly.
"No. I won't" and suddenly there's an awkward silence. Jose rescues me
"You know what got me through that? Video games. A lot of Grand Theft Auto!" and then we can both laugh.
***
We're adding layers and dimensions to our relationship. I've revealed some things to him, as well...but nothing too heavy. I look back on all these past entries and the fucked up shit I've done to guys and what's been done to me and I wonder if I really need to tell Jose all that. It was a part of who I was and shaped who I am today, but how much is too much? I don't know when I'll ever be ready to share my deepest and darkest secrets. The deep dark secrets that lead me to him.
