It has been 3 weeks since I moved in with Dan and I feel tired....I feel like I made a big mistake...like I'm drowning in debt and slowly losing my mind and my money.
The car accident should have been my wake up call. I should have said "NO" to moving out with Dan and just stayed home with my mom...I took a big risk and now I wonder if it was even a good idea.
Living with Dan is a pain sometimes...he's messy, unfocused and careless...he leaves dishes lying around and never puts things back in their place...and the more I tell him, the more he accuses me of nagging him.
See, I knew all this going into it and I still went through with the move....now I feel trapped on a year long lease I don't want.
There are fun parts...Dan's a good cook and I love the food he makes...he's lost 10 pounds since we've moved in, which is great...except I haven't lost any.
We get to have sex at least 1 or 2 a week....but only when he feels up to it. Argh.
We sleep in the same bed and don't have to stay up talking on the phone...but he snores and it keeps me up...I have to sleep with ear plugs on.
Reseda is close to work and I have a shorter commute...except it's always 10 degrees hotter there and the sun hits me in the face when I drive home...even with the visor on. Even on weekends, it takes almost an hour to go visit my folks and his...I don't see how I'm saving gas money or putting less miles on my car.
I hate this new life. I hate it more than I enjoy it.
Even with the internet and cable TV, I feel lonely. I feel like there's more for me out there...I feel like I should have taken the safe road and just stayed with my family...I miss my bed, I miss my cat and I miss my mom...I miss my grandma and I miss my aunt and I miss my brothers. I feel like crying every time I think about them.
Worse yet, I've stopped going to church...I feel like God is really disappointed in me now...I can't go to church or receive communion now because I'm living in sin with my boyfriend and having way too much premarital sex. I feel worse about myself than ever before...even when I was cheating.
Ah, the cheating...I thought it would go away, but I still have bad thoughts...dirty, secret thoughts about other guys....
It seems any available guy I know or have had a romantic relationship is cropping up on my Facebook...
Rob...oh those were good times...he was always too broke or distracted to keep up with me, but I can still remember how quickly he came in my mouth the first time I sucked him off...we're friends now on Facebook...I cheated on my good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Alberto with Rob back in early 2007...Rob is a big drinker and pot smoker and the best guy everrrrr to talk music with...I would love to just chill out with him on a lazy Saturday afternoon and listen to classic rock records (King Crimson, Zeppelin, Stones) and fuck.
Speaking of sorry bastards, Alberto was suggested by Facebook as a new friend...I made sure to erase that notice. He can go to hell.
I see updates on Facebook from time to time about my ex Paul...such a nice, nice guy...always too busy for me or allergic to commitment....maybe a little of both...Dan and I actually got to hang out with him early this year at my old college....a real classy dude...he'd never go for any backdoor shenanigans with me...he's harmless, like a dolphin...I don't regret taking his virginity card or getting fucking drunk with him on school nights. :)
I restrain myself from checking Edgar's MySpace (he's too much of a loser to get a Facebook)....but I do wildly think about finishing my lease with Dan next summer, moving back in with my folks and resuming my clandestine maneuvers with him....but knowing him, the allure and mystique of being "the other man" would be gone and interest in me would diminish.
The weirdest one of the bunch would be all these new thoughts I'm having about my friend Anthony....we've been platonic friends since my sophomore year in college...we keep a very cordial correspondence and have stayed in relatively good contact despite my life in L.A. and his life as a United States Marine. I saw pictures of him on Facebook, all grown up and looking so handsome in uniform...I don't know why we never dated...I know I couldn't maintain any sort of serious relationship with him as he does a lot of things that drive me crazy. For starters, he's a Marine for fuck sake...I am a pretty moderate democrat, but war just does not agree with me...I think most soldiers are brain washed meat heads...Anthony's pretty smart, but most of the time I feel he's too smart for this whole military career he's planned out for himself. Secondly, he's way too conservative and way too racist for my taste....it's a major turn off...plus, he hates liberals...and though I'm pretty moderate when it comes to the big issues, I'm still a bleeding heart Berkeley liberal...hearing Anthony talk politics back in July as I tried to romance him with alcohol and Mexican food, I slowly felt my patience starting to thin with him...the more he talked, the more angry I got, the more I wanted to fuck him....every time he's on leave, I want him to come see me...he talks to me like I'm another buddy of his at the barracks....he whines about wanting to bang girls when he's off base or before he gets deployed to Afghanistan and I have to bit my tongue not to tell him to do me instead...I would make it so easy for him.
In the end, I'm too scared to make anymore moves on any of these guys...Dan might not be as handsome or as thin as my old flames but at least he treats me nice enough...he wants to live with me and spend all day with me....I am truly dirt for all I've done...I feel like I deserve everything bad that happens to me...
Maybe out there, the alternate reality me is sipping a Vodka cranberry and falling asleep in the arms of a handsome boy, with no debts, no worries, no reason to ever cry...
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