She's always buzzing just like neon, neon....

I finally told Dan that I was sick and tired of him not helping around with the chores and that I wish I could just go back home...

Yeah, I cried...I felt stupid crying...but you don't know how frustrated I felt having him just laying there, lazy and not wanting to get up...it started first about him not wanting to get up and go do laundry with me...and then it just got out of hand and I started blurting everything out...

It grates my nerves to watch (and hear!) him sleeping in the bedroom when he knows that it's time to go do something...he is forever wasting time...I just can't take anymore of his bullshit...and with each argument, I can just feel the truth struggling to get out of my mouth...I would holler it at him so loud...that I don't want to marry him and I don't want to keep living with him....that when he acts this way, I hate him more than anything.

I told him that I don't have the money to get out of the lease and that I don't think we should have moved in together...I told him the accident was the precise time we should have halted the whole idea and gotten our deposit back.

You could see it visibly registered with him...he was definitely taken aback by it all...and though he suggested we should talk about it (yeah, I agree, waaaay more important than laundry)...I refused...because what's the point? We can't do anything about the lease or anything...not now...we're too far in with all the new furniture, address changes, etc. etc.

Or maybe we're both too complacent. Arguments flare up but they go away quickly as they came...I let it fester and rot...I don't know what he does...but I bet he doesn't spend too much time thinking about it.

My feelings for Dan are so complicated now...they're not as sure and true as they were 2 years ago...I have a great love for him...and I emphasize the HIM part...when he's happy, relaxed and having a good time, he's the best person to be around..he's like a human encyclopedia and is the smartest person around....I feed off his enthusiasm and his humor...he's the funniest person I know and he can make me laugh at anything...he likes hockey and baseball and has great taste in music....plus, he's by far the best sexual partner I've ever had....that's the HIM, the real Danny I know and love from when we were in high school and college.

I don't like the other guy he is...the guy he is most days...the OTHER...he's cranky, irritable, condescending, rude and ill-tempered...he acts like a big baby, refuses to do what he's told, won't listen and is a smart mouthed asshole...he makes you feel bad about things you like and he is LAZY...he falls asleep on you wherever you go (on any car ride, at my mom's house, in my grandma's hospital room once!)...ughhh...that's the Danny I hate...and he invaded the sweet boy I once knew that I would never dream of cheating on.

But the OTHER emerged...and all hell broke loose. That's when I started talking to Gabriel oh so many years ago and part of the reason we broke up the first time...(that is an entire entry unto itself)...so good for me on choosing to live with the OTHER.

(sigh sigh)

I spoke with one of my ex-flames...ah yes, Julio.

He's in Korea and we keep in pretty good contact...we exchange messages and keep ourselves up to date on our activities...he always asks if Danny has popped the question or when I'm going to get married...I always laugh it off and give no definite answer.

Julio is a strange specimen...we were classmates in junior high and high school...I had a mega crush on him and even went to a school dance with him as my official "date" whether he knew it or not...anyway...he moved to Texas in high school and lost contact...the moment Paul and I broke it off in college (the first time, so early 2005), Julio tracked me down through (surprise) Facebook and we started "talking."

"Talking" turned to phone calls and dreamy messages, e-mails, video declarations of love...then invitations to visit him in Vegas for his 21st birthday party...along the way, Dan (at the time my jealous ex-boyfriend) tried to piss on our parade by telling Julio I was a person he should "watch out for." It didn't detract my enthusiastic suitor and suddenly I found myself in a Las Vegas hotel room with 3 other people in May of 2005, trying to make sense of this whirlwind visit.

I fucked him proper both times...I blew him on the couch of the hotel suite, thankfully the living room section was separate from the bedroom...I can still remember his O-face...he wore braces at the time...it was kinda funny....the thought of those metal braces and his look of ecstasy crack me up...I remember it fondly.

That same summer I flew to Texas to see him and we fucked some more...Julio was a perfect gentleman...he paid for all my meals, took me to the theater to see a musical...he held my hand and drove me anywhere I wanted to go...here was a guy that could sweep a girl off her feet! But alas, the distance...oh that distance...reality set in and I had to go back to college...summer ended and so did our romance...we talked about plans, marriage, babies...oh I was love-struck...dumb dumb dumb...we had even made it so that it said we were married on Facebook...surprisingly, only Paul ever called me on it.

All good things have to come to an end.

I saw Julio again sometime in January of 2007....I was on again-off again with Alberto (my ex from hell)...we went on a nice platonic date...that's when he told me he suffered from manic depression...needless to say, he and I did not "hook up."

Nowadays, we talk like normal friends...we never bring up the past or all the amazing sex we had...he mentions casually I should come visit him in Korea...I don't think so...but I let him know I'll entertain the idea, even though I hate Asian food:

Julio: lol. Yeah Korean food is not exactly the best food. But its a lot of fun. There are many great things to do here. I mean I been here for almost two years and I cant really say I have not had fun. Its been great.

me: Well, glad to hear it. We'll see how things turn out next year. I would love to pay you a visit...but Texas is waaaaay closer.

No smiley face. Nothing. I hope he gets the idea. I know he's single (for the most part, he mentioned a thing with a Canadian girl that won't pan out)...I want him bad. AGAIN.

"They will not force us, they will stop degrading us..."

I don't understand why Dan feels the need to nag me about breadcrumbs in the cream cheese when he's the biggest slob of them all. His side of the room is forever covered in clothes, wet towels, blankets, empty cans and random junk...

Having rotting trash in the kitchen and crusty dirty dishes are fine in his world but breadcrumbs in the cream cheese are just NOT acceptable. I have to step in EVERY DAY to make sure his careless behavior doesn't turn into full blown messes. I shudder to think what our apartment would look like if I didn't clean up after him...

You can't ask him to clean a damn thing because he just rolls his eyes and says "no" or "I'll do it later"...

He also blew a gasket the other day because I used the same knife to spread mayo and mustard...he berated me until I got a separate knife. But throwing his dirty clothes everywhere except the hamper, TOTALLY OKAY.

Ughhhh.

Paul and I had our first text message conversation in months...he got a new cell number (which of course he never told me about, I had to find out through Facebook like the stalker that I am)...

I wish Paul had wanted to keep me. I wish he had been more committed...I wish he had loved me more...

Part of me fantasizes wildly that he'll eventually come around one day and find me...he'll chase me all the way back to L.A. and ask me to marry him...he'll say he's sorry for letting me go and promise to never leave my side.

"I can't live without you."

But I know it won't happen.

Kauai or Oahu, Molokai or Lanai, Maui and the Big Guy

Edgar took a vacation to Hawaii...so you can also add "MySpace Creeper" to my list of pathetic hobbies:






I would give anything to be there with him...not to form a relationship, not to talk about feelings....just go to the beach all day and fuck all night...that's all I'd want.

The scenario that I've been putting in my head to help me fall asleep now involves me showing up on the beach there in Hawaii (70 lbs. lighter of course) in a hot little black bikini and casually walking by his lounge chair...he'll instantly recognize me and say my name...I'll slowly turn around, peer over my dark sunglasses and smile..."Hey there!" I'll remark...and well....you can imagine what would transpire hours later...maybe a fireside dinner of pork and tropical (alcoholic) drinks...a stroll on the sandy shore...moonlight...dancing at a random club...steamy flirtation...and then...well, I'd imagine it would all end at his hotel room...peeling off sweaty clothes...and fucking until the break of dawn...I can see it all so clearly in my head...the white marble floors of the hotel suite...soft, satin bed sheets covered in the smell of his cologne...the familiar hum of the A/C...and as I look out the balcony of this gorgeous fictional hotel, I see the waves breaking on the beach...the sound of the waves receding...so comforting, so soothing...his soft, rhythmic breathing...he'd never snore so loudly and look as disgusting as Dan.

WAKE UP, I have to tell myself, WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Last night, Dan and I had an argument about keeping the windows open at night...he refused to let me have the window open even a crack...yes, it's cold outside but it is fucking blazing hot inside because he refuses to even have the windows open during the day...I just hate that he decides when the temperature is pleasant...he wouldn't let me run the A/C even on the hottest days of the summer.

I hate him and he will never be as good as my fantasies...and sadly, neither will I.

"I want the one I can't have....."

"And it's driving me mad...."

I found this picture on Facebook of Anthony with his uniform on and his military haircut...he looks adorable:



Yeah, I'm a total Facebook creeper now...full blown....

Here he is at the Marine Corps ball or whatever...this is where he said he took his new girlfriend as his date:



"It's written all over my face..."

She posted pictures of them together at Knotts Scary Farm...they looks so happy together...it's nice to see him smiling...I used to smile like that with Dan...now he won't even kiss me in public to our "supposed" song...



I see her and I see what could have been if I had just taken better care of myself, not ate so much junk food, exercised more and just...tried harder to be attractive...I feel and look fat...I used to be the girl that guys noticed...but not anymore...I seldom get checked out anymore and when I do, it's by creeps...

Dan and I went to a friends birthday celebration at this club in Downtown...getting Dan to dance is like pulling teeth, so I was happy he didn't refuse when the girls and I hit the dance floor...it was nice to get all dressed up, but I nearly died wearing high heels all night...it's the only way I can get my legs to look long and lean...my weight is fucking disgusting, so my feet got tired quickly...I could barely walk by the end of the night...never mind that I was bloated and on my period the entire time...I felt like a whale...a fat, uncoordinated whale...

When I used to go to clubs, guys would come up and just dance with me...going to a club with Dan pretty much stopped any cute guys from even looking at me...the only attention I got that night was walking around by myself near the bar trying to track down the rest of our party...some guy reached out and grabbed my hand...I was so distracted and taken aback, that I didn't even look backwards to see what he looked like...I hope he was at least cute.

I want to drop 70 lbs. If I ever do, watch out world...I'll reclaim my old life back.

Love Like Winter

Life is plodding along. I'm glad it's already October and the heat is gone...nothing but cold, cloudy mornings and hazy sunshine in the afternoon....the nights are bearable and I sleep better now.

But as life plods on, living with Dan continues to be insufferable.

He yells at me all the time about the stupidest shit...he always has to be right and he doesn't like to share with me...I'm starting to understand little by little why I cheat on him...it gives me a secret feeling of smug satisfaction that I did something that would potentially break his heart...so every time he says something condescending or talks down to me, I remember that not too long ago I had another man's cock rammed down my throat.

At the time of the accident, I should have broken up with him....I should said NO WE ARE NOT MOVING IN TOGETHER, gotten our money back from the landlord and told him about Edgar...I should have broken up with Dan then and there and moved on with my horrible life.

But no, instead I let it all fester and rot inside of me, I forced this "happy" situation to happen and now I'm paying for it (literally) out of my pocket and with my sanity.

When Dan snaps at me or refuses to take out the trash, I just want to scream at him and tell him about all the dirty things I've done behind his back. But I can't...I'm chained to this 1 year lease.

It's like I'm living with a big baby sometimes. All he ever wants to do is hog the computer, criticize the shows I watch and make a mess. He leaves beer bottles all over the apartment, his side of the room is a total pigsty and he never washes any of the dishes, which we agreed is fine if he cooks dinner but come on, you ate cereal out of that bowl, wash it dammit!

And you can't tell him anything...because he immediately says I'm nagging or ignores me on purpose because he knows that pisses me off.

I also believe living with Dan and living with this soul-numbing guilt is punishment enough for all I've done...all the evil I perpetrated...for turning my back on God and deciding that I wanted to live with a man who I am not married to and not attending church, for disappointing my mom and grandma by moving out, for cheating on my unsuspecting boyfriend and lying about it...for all these things and more, I am condemned to this life.

How can I even begin to tell Dan that no I don't want to marry him, ever...that I don't want to have his kids...that I don't see this relationship going anywhere...how?

Eventually, I will have to stop being a coward and just say it. And end this.

*****

On a related note, I find it uncanny that I can still have sex with Dan and not feel bad about it. I must admit, he's got skills. I think selfishly, that's one of the top reasons we're still together.

I do get bored of sleeping with the same guy for more than 2 years now (4 if you count all the years before)...so I often fantasize about past conquests and made up ones.

Like today, for example, I had a hot little day dream about sleeping with my company's Fed Ex rep. He's a nice guy, married with a wife and kids...I bet he has a cute little house somewhere in the Valley or something...a dog, a cat, a white picket fence, two car garage and the kids all go to parochial school...I bet he has a nice suburban life and enjoy all kinds of vanilla sex with his tight little wife (which I can only imagine must be nice, sunny and blond) and doesn't have a care in the whole world.

But in my fantasy, I wreck it all. I make him have sex with me all over his lush, Berber carpet...I rip his clothes off, his tie, collared shirt and slacks...all of it off and consume him quickly.

(siiiiiiiigh)