Love Like Winter

Life is plodding along. I'm glad it's already October and the heat is gone...nothing but cold, cloudy mornings and hazy sunshine in the afternoon....the nights are bearable and I sleep better now.

But as life plods on, living with Dan continues to be insufferable.

He yells at me all the time about the stupidest shit...he always has to be right and he doesn't like to share with me...I'm starting to understand little by little why I cheat on him...it gives me a secret feeling of smug satisfaction that I did something that would potentially break his heart...so every time he says something condescending or talks down to me, I remember that not too long ago I had another man's cock rammed down my throat.

At the time of the accident, I should have broken up with him....I should said NO WE ARE NOT MOVING IN TOGETHER, gotten our money back from the landlord and told him about Edgar...I should have broken up with Dan then and there and moved on with my horrible life.

But no, instead I let it all fester and rot inside of me, I forced this "happy" situation to happen and now I'm paying for it (literally) out of my pocket and with my sanity.

When Dan snaps at me or refuses to take out the trash, I just want to scream at him and tell him about all the dirty things I've done behind his back. But I can't...I'm chained to this 1 year lease.

It's like I'm living with a big baby sometimes. All he ever wants to do is hog the computer, criticize the shows I watch and make a mess. He leaves beer bottles all over the apartment, his side of the room is a total pigsty and he never washes any of the dishes, which we agreed is fine if he cooks dinner but come on, you ate cereal out of that bowl, wash it dammit!

And you can't tell him anything...because he immediately says I'm nagging or ignores me on purpose because he knows that pisses me off.

I also believe living with Dan and living with this soul-numbing guilt is punishment enough for all I've done...all the evil I perpetrated...for turning my back on God and deciding that I wanted to live with a man who I am not married to and not attending church, for disappointing my mom and grandma by moving out, for cheating on my unsuspecting boyfriend and lying about it...for all these things and more, I am condemned to this life.

How can I even begin to tell Dan that no I don't want to marry him, ever...that I don't want to have his kids...that I don't see this relationship going anywhere...how?

Eventually, I will have to stop being a coward and just say it. And end this.

*****

On a related note, I find it uncanny that I can still have sex with Dan and not feel bad about it. I must admit, he's got skills. I think selfishly, that's one of the top reasons we're still together.

I do get bored of sleeping with the same guy for more than 2 years now (4 if you count all the years before)...so I often fantasize about past conquests and made up ones.

Like today, for example, I had a hot little day dream about sleeping with my company's Fed Ex rep. He's a nice guy, married with a wife and kids...I bet he has a cute little house somewhere in the Valley or something...a dog, a cat, a white picket fence, two car garage and the kids all go to parochial school...I bet he has a nice suburban life and enjoy all kinds of vanilla sex with his tight little wife (which I can only imagine must be nice, sunny and blond) and doesn't have a care in the whole world.

But in my fantasy, I wreck it all. I make him have sex with me all over his lush, Berber carpet...I rip his clothes off, his tie, collared shirt and slacks...all of it off and consume him quickly.

(siiiiiiiigh)