Yeah, I cried...I felt stupid crying...but you don't know how frustrated I felt having him just laying there, lazy and not wanting to get up...it started first about him not wanting to get up and go do laundry with me...and then it just got out of hand and I started blurting everything out...
It grates my nerves to watch (and hear!) him sleeping in the bedroom when he knows that it's time to go do something...he is forever wasting time...I just can't take anymore of his bullshit...and with each argument, I can just feel the truth struggling to get out of my mouth...I would holler it at him so loud...that I don't want to marry him and I don't want to keep living with him....that when he acts this way, I hate him more than anything.
I told him that I don't have the money to get out of the lease and that I don't think we should have moved in together...I told him the accident was the precise time we should have halted the whole idea and gotten our deposit back.
You could see it visibly registered with him...he was definitely taken aback by it all...and though he suggested we should talk about it (yeah, I agree, waaaay more important than laundry)...I refused...because what's the point? We can't do anything about the lease or anything...not now...we're too far in with all the new furniture, address changes, etc. etc.
Or maybe we're both too complacent. Arguments flare up but they go away quickly as they came...I let it fester and rot...I don't know what he does...but I bet he doesn't spend too much time thinking about it.
My feelings for Dan are so complicated now...they're not as sure and true as they were 2 years ago...I have a great love for him...and I emphasize the HIM part...when he's happy, relaxed and having a good time, he's the best person to be around..he's like a human encyclopedia and is the smartest person around....I feed off his enthusiasm and his humor...he's the funniest person I know and he can make me laugh at anything...he likes hockey and baseball and has great taste in music....plus, he's by far the best sexual partner I've ever had....that's the HIM, the real Danny I know and love from when we were in high school and college.
I don't like the other guy he is...the guy he is most days...the OTHER...he's cranky, irritable, condescending, rude and ill-tempered...he acts like a big baby, refuses to do what he's told, won't listen and is a smart mouthed asshole...he makes you feel bad about things you like and he is LAZY...he falls asleep on you wherever you go (on any car ride, at my mom's house, in my grandma's hospital room once!)...ughhh...that's the Danny I hate...and he invaded the sweet boy I once knew that I would never dream of cheating on.
But the OTHER emerged...and all hell broke loose. That's when I started talking to Gabriel oh so many years ago and part of the reason we broke up the first time...(that is an entire entry unto itself)...so good for me on choosing to live with the OTHER.
(sigh sigh)
I spoke with one of my ex-flames...ah yes, Julio.
He's in Korea and we keep in pretty good contact...we exchange messages and keep ourselves up to date on our activities...he always asks if Danny has popped the question or when I'm going to get married...I always laugh it off and give no definite answer.
Julio is a strange specimen...we were classmates in junior high and high school...I had a mega crush on him and even went to a school dance with him as my official "date" whether he knew it or not...anyway...he moved to Texas in high school and lost contact...the moment Paul and I broke it off in college (the first time, so early 2005), Julio tracked me down through (surprise) Facebook and we started "talking."
"Talking" turned to phone calls and dreamy messages, e-mails, video declarations of love...then invitations to visit him in Vegas for his 21st birthday party...along the way, Dan (at the time my jealous ex-boyfriend) tried to piss on our parade by telling Julio I was a person he should "watch out for." It didn't detract my enthusiastic suitor and suddenly I found myself in a Las Vegas hotel room with 3 other people in May of 2005, trying to make sense of this whirlwind visit.
I fucked him proper both times...I blew him on the couch of the hotel suite, thankfully the living room section was separate from the bedroom...I can still remember his O-face...he wore braces at the time...it was kinda funny....the thought of those metal braces and his look of ecstasy crack me up...I remember it fondly.
That same summer I flew to Texas to see him and we fucked some more...Julio was a perfect gentleman...he paid for all my meals, took me to the theater to see a musical...he held my hand and drove me anywhere I wanted to go...here was a guy that could sweep a girl off her feet! But alas, the distance...oh that distance...reality set in and I had to go back to college...summer ended and so did our romance...we talked about plans, marriage, babies...oh I was love-struck...dumb dumb dumb...we had even made it so that it said we were married on Facebook...surprisingly, only Paul ever called me on it.
All good things have to come to an end.
I saw Julio again sometime in January of 2007....I was on again-off again with Alberto (my ex from hell)...we went on a nice platonic date...that's when he told me he suffered from manic depression...needless to say, he and I did not "hook up."
Nowadays, we talk like normal friends...we never bring up the past or all the amazing sex we had...he mentions casually I should come visit him in Korea...I don't think so...but I let him know I'll entertain the idea, even though I hate Asian food:
Julio: lol. Yeah Korean food is not exactly the best food. But its a lot of fun. There are many great things to do here. I mean I been here for almost two years and I cant really say I have not had fun. Its been great.
me: Well, glad to hear it. We'll see how things turn out next year. I would love to pay you a visit...but Texas is waaaaay closer.
No smiley face. Nothing. I hope he gets the idea. I know he's single (for the most part, he mentioned a thing with a Canadian girl that won't pan out)...I want him bad. AGAIN.
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