Happy 26th birthday to me.
I'm more excited about the after-Christmas potential hook up with Ed than I am about going to dinner with Dan tonight.
I feel like I should be happier in the inside, to match the smile I've painted on my face today...but I just can't make it happen this time. I can't get Ed out of my mind and he's polluting my birthday...along with different sections of my heart.
Everyone's so happy because of Christmas and I am, too...but knowing that I am slowly falling out of love with Dan is soul-crushing. I feel helpless...like I'm on some runaway train that's going to crash at any second.
If we break up at the end of this lease, I can already feel the sting and the backlash...I feel like our friends and family are a TV audience and Dan and I are this awesome couple, think Ross and Rachel on Friends...we're destined to be fan favorites and nobody wants to see us part...but we have to. I can't keep this up for the rest of my life and get marriage, kids and mortgages involved. I have to go.
This is all my fault. I know that come December 26th, Ed will find a way to cancel on me and I'll get stuck with a $160 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and a broken heart. I know he's a means to an end...I just know that he has no love in his heart for me, only lust.
You can't make a clean break with lust.
So all I can do to reconcile that hole in my life is to fill it up with more and more hormones, sex and regrets. I want to fuck Edgar until I feel right again.
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