Every day since I last saw Edgar, I am consumed with enormous amounts of guilt. I cannot seem to shake any of it and every day I am plagued with the sensation that sooner or later, I will get caught.
I am fucked either way, whether I am caught now or later...
If Dan finds out now, I am stuck with him until the lease is over. I don't know whether he'd kick me out of the apartment or leave me stuck with the rent. Probably the latter, which would mean I'd have to scramble to try and find a roommate in time. There's no way I'd ever look good in that situation. I'd be a total rat.
In the meantime, I am left with the oppressive weight of this secret on my conscience. I can't tear my mind away from it and it ravages every free thought I have in my head. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything else...I get distracted. I now understand why people go mad with guilt. All I want is for it be over, even if that means that Dan would hate me and my friends and family would all be disappointed in me. I'd turn into Public Enemy #1 amongst our circle...but hey, at least I'd be a free woman.
When I'm not dreading the inevitable, I try and put a positive spin on what this would mean for me and Ed. There is no "we" presently...it's all just dreams and fantasies of mine. I daydream on my way home from work about falling in love again....what if Ed suddenly decided that I was the one? Would he stay in SoCal and go to law school in Costa Mesa...would he get over himself and ask me to be his girlfriend? What if we finally had a normal relationship and got married...I'd marry a lawyer and everything would be great.
But it won't happen. Stories like this don't end happily. You can't turn a ho into a housewife and you can't turn a horny single guy into husband material overnight. It's not meant for us...he and I are not a "we"...we're too independent, we're too jealous, we're too fucked in the head. We are not right. How could we ever trust each other and build a foundation for a loving relationship on what began as loose morals, lies, betrayal and hedonism?
I tell myself to stay away from him.
If he contacts me, I should rebuke him.
I starve for attention, I pine for a new touch...I hunger for something real.
He texts me randomly on Sunday while I'm Christmas shopping with my mom and my sister. I feel my cheeks flame up with excitement, embarrassment, shame and delight.
Edgar: happy b day
me: Nice try. It's on Tuesday.
Edgar: At least I am early.
me: True. You beat everyone else. Know what I want for my bday/Christmas?
Edgar: What???
me: You, me, a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and my bed. Make yourself available the night of the 26th and it'll happen.
Edgar: Wow...
me: I figured I've never gotten you anything for Christmas...you down?
Edgar: It's what I wanted.
me: Alright, let's call each other then. See you on the 26th.
Edgar: Yes.
I put my phone away and instantly feel sea sick. This is what a junkie must feel like...a drug addict always looking for a bigger score, a bigger high...falling deeper and deeper into destruction.
The desire to sleep with him again is irresistible. It's so, so, so bad....and that's what makes it so intoxicating. Having the forbidden...the more I know it's wrong the more appealing it is.
We come home and I accidentally slam my hand into my mouth, causing my bottom lip to bleed. Dan jokes it's because I must have done something wrong.
If only he knew what I was planning.
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