Saturday Night Wrist: a retrospect

Here we are one year to the day that I started this journal. A year has come and gone like a blink of an eye. And I wish I had room in my mind to remember every single arduous detail, but I can’t. This is what this journal is for. So I never forget the good times, the bad times, the desperate times, the exciting times, the inspiring times and everything in between.

I like my life a whole lot better now. I don’t think I’ve felt this happy in a long time. I am hopeful, despite my subconscious efforts to sabotage myself.

A year ago I was slowly letting myself sink into the stifling blackness of moving out with my then boyfriend Dan. I had made the decision and it was wrong. I don’t regret it but now take it as a learning experience. I was also madly obsessed with my irregular paramour Edgar. I was trapped; I was fucked up and abandoned to a life I no longer wanted. I hated myself deeply and felt like I had fallen from some pre-supposed state of grace. I had to get out but it felt like relief would be galaxies away. When you’re drowning in bile, it’s very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling doomed is about the worse you can get. I felt cursed. I felt like I deserved it.

365 days later: I am single. I am free like a bird with wounded wings. I have everything ahead of me and I really feel like I can do anything. Like I can pack up all my stuff and move to another city and start a new life. I have a renewed sense of being and I don’t hate myself anymore. Edgar is at law school and I don’t hinge on his every move anymore. And by total surprise, I’ve developed a nagging crush on Alfonso who lives in Boston. Life is, for all intents and purposes, good. Tomorrow I fly to Oakland to meet up with my ex-boyfriend Paul. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I hope it involves alcohol and sex. I don’t think a year ago I could have imagined all this good stuff.

Thank you for reading this past year. This seems to be only the beginning now. A true beginning, I think. I really feel this is where I start to live my life. I am ready to like boys, to fall in love and to fill up the vacancies in my heart. I think this makes me more vulnerable, but I don’t care. I am unafraid to fight the battles this time.

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So what would this journal be without updates?

Alfonso still hasn’t replied back to my e-mail even though he said he was working on it. But he had time to like my posts on Facebook? (sigh) I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open and friendly. I have one more vacation day at work for this calendar year, so ideally I’d like to stay with him for New Year’s Eve weekend in Boston. I hope he doesn’t shoot himself in the foot, I really like him.

I’m looking forward to seeing Paul tomorrow morning. I wonder what he has in store for me. We’re both single, we both like to drink and we both like to fuck: should be interesting. I have purposely kept everything casual and vague. Wish me luck.