Friday night I stopped by Dan’s house to give him my half of the cell phone payment. It had been predetermined that we’d get it on, since he was home alone. But as soon as I walked into his room, he said it’d be a bad idea since he was all smelly and sweaty from work. I told him repeatedly I didn’t care (come on, I’m pretty used to all his weird body odors) but he refused and said we should try some other time. I glanced at my watch and knew I was already running late in meeting up with my friends for Jackass 3-D and dinner. So I told him since we were no longer going to have sex, his punishment would be a serious talk with me. Dan looks down at his dog Ruby and says to her: “Oh no Ruby….sounds like we’re in trouble.”
I laughed and told him he wasn’t in any sort of trouble but I did want to re-examine what was going on between us. I told him I really enjoyed being with him but that it felt weird we weren’t together. I suggested seeing a counselor to mediate our problems and possibly give our relationship a second try. I got it all out: that I enjoy spending time with him and wish things were more like the night at the Highlands, no fights, no resentment…just fun. I told him I still loved him very much and think about him often enough that it makes me sad to know we have to sneak around to hide ourselves. Why should we have to keep our time together secret? Is this really what he wants? I was honest and told him he isn’t one of “those” kind of guys….he’s actually a very sweet person and skulking around doesn’t fit his personality.
He heard me out until I had vented the entire speech and then paused to think. I was wondering what he’d say. His answer was not what I was hoping for. He said he enjoyed the night out for Ana’s birthday because he felt no pressure to impress anyone and it reminded him so much of high school. He said he’d like to continue to explore that type of relationship with me. He doesn’t think seeing a therapist or counselor will help much because we’re both unwilling to change and he doesn’t want to be “that” couple. Deep down inside, I knew he was right. I know that inside of me…I am just as stubborn as he is and I live too much of an uncompromising lifestyle.
I told him the offer still stands if he wants us to get help and work out our issues. But in the meantime, I guess we’re in the realm of friends with benefits. At least in this world, we don’t hate each other and fight like dogs.
He says he still has feelings for me….I wonder where this will all lead? Like I said, it can’t be good…someone’s going to get hurt and that’s probably going to be me. I confessed that I’ve tried being the “thing on the side” girl before and it sucks. You get attached, you hope for more and in the end, you’re just disappointed. I think that’s yet another ongoing theme in my love life.
I think I just want to drop it with Dan and have fun. I miss the boy he used to be and now that we’re just messing around, he is more like that boy I met in high school. Yes, I recognize it’s pretty destructive and we’re living in the past…but it works. I will do my best to mentally prepare myself for the day Dan gets a new girlfriend but secretly I hope ( I PRAY TO GOD) that it will be me who finally finds that awesome guy of my dreams. Maybe I’ll finally be happy without having to sneak around, lie, cheat, beg or waste my time waiting.
On a sort of related note, I am hosting a Halloween party at my house on October 30th. I have invited all of my friends which do include both Dan and Edgar. I think Danny said he’d try to make it but I don’t know how he’s going to get to my place without a car. Edgar put himself down as a solid “maybe” according to the invitation on FB. It would make my life easier if just one or the other would show up. Or neither would show up. But what if they both do? Awkward. Awkward. Awkward.
Also…also…
I promise to get over Alfonso. Immediately. I will not stare at pictures of him looking cute on Facebook and beat myself up over nothing. I will not feel any more pangs of regret or waves of wistful longing….which then turn into a weird nausea of failure. I think that’s called a broken heart.
I don’t even know what I miss about him. I really don’t know…and that bugs me.
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