Baby did a bad, bad thing....

Alright, it's official. I am now helping Rob secretly cheat on his girlfriend.

I am the scum of the Earth. I am the shit on your shoe. I knew it would escalate to this point and, as usual, I did nothing to stop it.

There's no need to transcribe all of the texts we've been swapping for the past two weeks. It was all just clumsy flirtation, nothing explicit. A lot of compliments paid to me, a lot of smiley faces, a lot of conniving on Rob's part to get me to send a topless photo, a lot of me trying to put my foot down and get a face to face meeting before I showed any skin.

But I grew tired of it and gave in just out of boredom. I snapped a picture of me wearing a bra, waist up only. He rejoiced, which made me laugh. Poor bastard! Is this all he has now?

"If you give a mouse a cookie...."

So of course this wasn't enough. Rob suggested I get closer to the mirror and take my bra off. I scoffed. Yeah, right. No nip for him....at least not until I've put away a few cocktails in Vegas this weekend...

Oh, did I mention? Dan and I are finally going away on our little Vegas/hockey roadtrip? We're going with a couple friends of mine and have a luxury suite all to ourselves. Yeahh!

I don't feel better about myself. I feel worse, like I knew I would. Why does he continue to prolong his relationship with this poor girl? I am not holding my breath or anything, hoping he'll come back to me and end his romance with this Sunny chick. But I would hope he'd be smart about it and stop fooling himself that what he's doing is harmless. It's not like I'm some anonymous model or celebrity slut showing her cooch to millions of strangers for free on the internet. I am a real-life girl that he once dated and who he is now sharing intimate photos with. This is serious shit.

My face isn't really shown in the picture I sent. He asked why and I said I wanted to regain a small fraction of anonymity. If his girlfriend's suspicions arise (and most of the time, they do!), she'll figure out who I am simply by my name. I wonder what precautions he's taken to insure he won't be caught?

If he gets in trouble, it's every man for himself. There is no "we" in this....I fully intend to take my lumps should his girlfriend find out and go psycho on me via Facebook or however. I don't want to get involved in that particular brand of drama but if it comes to that, I am prepared to fess up. I am already at the low-point where I have nothing to lose.

And with a wayward mind she struggles through the night

The obvious anvil had to land on my head eventually, right? The other shoe had to drop. This huge suspicion over whether or not Rob was indeed looking for an outlet to cheat on his girlfriend finally revealed itself....in what else? A series of badly-worded texts...

His little escapade started around 2:30 in the morning. Thankfully he texted me as I was sound asleep and my phone was on silent.

Somewhere around 7 am, as I'm getting ready for work, I shoot him a response apologizing for not being around and making it very obvious that I, in fact, have a normal job with normal hours. I don't hear back from him until like 9:30 am. I would type the whole conversation out for you but it went on for several hours, so let me paraphrase as best I can...

Rob proceeds to tell me he works as an after school teacher from 2 until 8 pm teaching kids how to play guitar, bass and piano. He lesson-plans during the day then goes to work. He also teaches private lessons on the weekend. Then, out of nowhere, he asks if my phone accepts and receives pictures. I know what that means, I've heard that many times and it's an indicator that this particular gentleman caller is interested in seeing some naughty pics of me. I can't believe he'd go so quickly for the obvious. Is that all he wants? A diversion? Is he bored of jacking off to his fat girlfriend? Maybe. So we do a little bit of back and forth, I know he's just aching to see some titties. I give in but not completely. I snap a picture of myself in the work restroom: pretty innocent, only showing a hint of cleavage in a low-cut top. I'm not giving him the whole enchilada just yet!

Rob: Beautiful. Nice and PG (rated). Will I get anything else later on? Please say yes ;)

Oh boy. It would be really easy to just go for it, but I hold my ground and lightly remind him that if the rating on the picture goes any higher (PG 13 or heaven forbid rated R), we might be in some deep trouble. He makes no mention of a girlfriend or this being "inappropriate" anymore. In fact, he tells me I'm sexy. He'd love to see more. Even the fact that I considered sending him something racier makes him "excited." I told him if he wants to see anything else, he needs to see me face to face over drinks. I abruptly end the chat by announcing I have to shower, just to fuck with him. It works.

Rob: You can't tell me no photo and then mention you showering! Haha. Take care lady.

So here I am on the opposite side of things. Should I be a rat bastard and help this knucklehead cheat on his girlfriend? I mean I've already implicated myself enough by sending even one remotely flirty pic and implying I am willing to indulge him with more? Where else to go but deeper into the shit?

I want to meet up with him and get the real story out of him. I know there's more he's hiding behind these stupid texts. So yeah, he has no regard for his girl....that's obvious but I need to know WHY. What changed? What are his reasons? Are his reasons better than the ones I had for cheating on Dan? Does it matter? I guess I'm the only idiot who cares. I guess it gives me solace to know that there are other people as broken and fucked up as I am. People who smile, lead normal lives, are super friendly and everyone thinks is great....but inside they hide the monstrous ability to hurt the one they love the most.

Yup, Rob and I would make a pretty fucked up pair.

I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't mess around with another girl's boyfriend. I know how painful this can all be and how nobody ends up a winner. So why can't I stop the cycle of lies and hurt feelings? Why can't I be the mature one and just put my foot down, like so many other women would do?

The truth is, I don't know. I like the attention? Superficially, that's probably the easiest answer. Nostalgia? Maybe. I really have no clue. I just want to feel wanted again. I want to be desired. I want to be in control. I want what other girls have. I want what Rob's girlfriend has. You could replace "Rob" with any other guy and I think you'd produce the same result. I have tried to obtain my own boyfriend but all my attempts have been massive failures.

And so now I covet. Lord, help me.

Something ‘bout lonely nights & my lipstick on your face

Pretty sure Rob wasn't kidding about getting together...Tuesday afternoon we started that same old text and dance:

Rob: Hey [...]. So it looks like I am gonna practice on Thursday night. I'm sorry. As soon as I get some days off you'll be the first person I call. I might be in LA tonight but I'll be busy till around 11. Didn't know if you worked early otherwise I'd give you a call.

I scoffed. Is he trying to throw every roadblock in my way for this to not happen? I called his bluff knowing full well there was no way in HELL I would get away with sneaking out of my house so late at night:

Me: Hey yeah...I'm around. Gimme a call and where u want me to meet u. Heads up, I live near Indiana and Whittier.

For the rest of the night I did exactly what I didn't want to do. I laid in bed, aimlessly watching bad reality television....agonizing over whether or not I really wanted to see him. What kind of excuse could I use without sounding completely crazy? I live in a tiny little house with my mom, it is nearly impossible to escape without waking her up. He's not worth risk or the grief of having my mom wonder where I went off to in the middle of the night. Ughhh....

Eleven o'clock rolls around and I crawl into bed, exhausted. Fuck him...he's not even going to call.

I fall into a dreamless sleep that I am jolted out of suddenly. Don't you hate that feeling? The sheer emotion of panic? I lift my face off my pillow and sleepily grab my phone. Oh God...

Rob: Hey lady. What you up to?

Ughhhh...really? Now?!? It is 12:30 in the fucking morning!!! Right as I try to formulate a good answer, I hear my mom sleep-talking in the next room. She often has nightmares when she falls asleep face up. It's my duty to go wake her up....I also take the time to use the bathroom. Once I get back in bed, I resolve to not see him. He has to wait.

Me: Sleeping. Don't I sound cool?? Uhh....I was exhausted. Shall we try some time later? Like...at an earlier, decent hour? Haha...next time ur free...

Rob: Of course. Probably not safe to meet up so late when I'm kinda buzzed....Sleep well. See you soon.

Me: Sorry for being a lame ass....but I hope you'll keep ur word and make me ur first call the next time ur free...promise I'll be awake...haha...

Rob: Haha. I'll wake you up myself if you're asleep. It's good to be talking to you again. We would've had fun tonight but yeah, I can wait :) and you'll be the first person I'll call when I get time...It'll be my first day off. Haha. We better have fun!

Me: Excellent....just make sure we meet before 9 pm. I do my best thinking then....my best drinking happens around 11. Goodnight Rob. I'll be waiting...

Rob: Goodnight [...] I really like your, "I'm waiting" comment...sleep well.

Great. Now I'm stuck where I usually am: just sitting around, waiting for a guy to call me. I'm left wondering, wishing, hoping. I feel like I'm walking around the world unaware of a giant anvil hanging over my head, that can drop at any moment. Am I gonna stop everything just go see him? Probably....which frustrates me to no end. I really wanted to get the upper hand on this and not be the one left hanging on a hook....just waiting.

His texts have a mild tinge of flirtation...or maybe I'm reading too much into them? But that hasn't stopped me from admiring them over and over...savoring them like modern-day, digital love letters. His coquettish texts remind me of the ones I used to send Edgar right before we'd get together and I would cheat on Dan. I can't help but think of Rob's girlfriend....does she know what her man is up to? As I said earlier, I don't know if I would trust someone like me. Even I don't trust myself.

I keep my distance but that distance is too far...

I really wish my love life wasn't so rooted in the past. Just when I think I'm pulling through and moving forward, somebody or something always pulls me back into the murkiness...

In my earlier entries I had casually mentioned how Rob, this guy I dated a few years ago, has been fond of liking my Facebook pictures. But not just any pictures, particular pictures where I look nice or am dressed up. Sometimes he even goes as far as to leave a nice compliment or an encouraging word. He's been doing this for a long time now, so I don't think much of it. I especially brush it off since I know he's happily in a relationship with some weird chick named Sunny.

Then out of left field, I get the following message on FB:

hey [...]!
hey lady...just realized i dont have your number anymore...can i get it? dont know if you have mine..

I sat there at my computer....blinked a few times...stared at the screen...checked to make sure it was Rob who had written that and not anyone else....nope, it's Rob, for sure...I had to reply, out of courtesy:

Rob!! Hello! Of course, my number is [...], I'll shoot you a text. I just checked and yes I still have yours! Hope you are well. We should hang out some time, it's been a while. Take it easy.

And thus began the longest, most detailed text conversation of my life. This went on for nearly two-hours...

Me: Rob, this is [...]. I see u still have the same number. See ya!

Rob: Haha. Yes I do. I just lost yours over the years. Hope you're doing well. We should get coffee one day.

Me: Yeah, I've changed it a couple of times over the years, haha....I'm doing peachy keen. Let me know what days work best for u and we can grab a coffee.

Rob:I love when life is peachy keen. Haha :) I can't remember the last time we hung out. Maybe the last time you were in Whittier. I teach a lot during the day but my nights are free. And my weekends after two. I work early weekends. Ugh!

Me: Yeah, it's been like 4 or 5 years at least....well, there's no time like the present: how's tomorrow night sound? My weekends are always busy. Ugh.

Rob: Damn, I'm busy tomorrow. Yea my weekends are always busy too. Do you still live off of Beverly? We can plan something for a later date. Or I can meet you at a bar or something like half ways? Would that be something that you'd be into?

Me: I actually live in East LA now! Meeting in Whittier would be fine, I know the area. How's Thursday look? Name a bar and I'll be there.

Rob: I like your enthusiasm! Haha. I'll let you know. I have band practice that night but I think I can postpone it for an old friend :) I wouldn't mind hanging in East LA as well. I know that area really well. Whichever is easier for you. I hope you don't work the next day. I remember we would hang out and throw back drink after drink, hah.

Me: It's Friday the next day...everyone expects me to be hungover, haha. So yeah let me know about Thursday. We can meet at the 6740 Bar on Greenleaf in Whittier.

Rob: Cool. I'll give you a text during the week. I'm just glad I got your number back. Hopefully we can set it up.

Me: My enthusiasm comes from people saying they wanna hang out...and we never do. I'm kinda a "mean what I say" person.

Rob: I totally understand. I've been working a lot more so my time is becoming more and more scarce...I like the money. But I think I need a vacation or at least like two days off. Ha. I do private lesson now on the weekends, so I'm basically working seven day weeks. Ahh!

Me: Oooh...yeah. I know a guy who does that, too....sometimes its good to unplug and save some time for yourself. Keep your sanity.

Rob: What's little that's left. Hehe. You know what I remember...we only hung out like a handful of times huh? I was shocked when you said it had been like four years. They were good times though! I actually practice in LA, so if Thursday doesn't work out we'll be able to set something up cause I'm down there so much.

Me: Awesome. Those were great times!! You're one of those people I could always have a good chat with over drinks...I think it's cuz you know good music!!

Rob: It's true! I like our conversations. You were a great listener and at the same time a great talker. A very rare combo...and you were pretty! What a bonus! Haha. I'm sorry if that was inappropriate...I remembered you said you were living with someone right?

Me: No not inappropriate at all...honesty is appreciated. You've always been a handsome chap yourself. I actually live alone with my mom. Single, as it would be.

Rob: I like to think of myself as a handsome chap. Thank you. I'm dating someone. Maybe that's why I thought it was inappropriate. Ha. But you're an old friend who I haven't seen in so long so I wanna hang out and get drinks like old times. I hope you're still cool with that.

Me: Absolutely. Friendships this genuine are much too rare. Looking forward to reminiscing about the old times and talking about the new times.

Rob: :)


Holy shit bricks....my fingers were aching by the time this was all over. A phone call would have sufficed...but oh well...

I really don't know what to think about this...from the start, it sounded like he wanted to ask me out...you can really get a taste for who Rob truly is through this dense chat...he's always been a very chivalrous, conscientious, sympathetic guy. Out of all the guys I've fucked around with, he's definitely one of the sweetest and most sincere. He responds very well to me and if it weren't for the fact that he has a girlfriend, I'd swear he was courting me like in olden days....(sigh)...I can't help but think he's reaching out because he's troubled and looking for a fresh perspective.

The last time we hung out (like really hung out) was back in 2007. It was a situation very much like this one. My relationship with asshole boyfriend extraordinaire Alberto was crumbling before my eyes. Rob calls me out of the blue, wanting to hang out. He's very insistent and I give in. We meet at a dumpy bar in La Mirada and proceed to get pretty hammered. We start talking about significant others (Rob at this time, I believe, was single-ish) and I begin sobbing. I poured my little aching heart out to him. I'll always remember the look of rage in Rob's eyes as I told him all the horrible, mean, stupid things Alberto had done and said to me...he could sense how hurt I was and angrily sputtered: "You don't need that guy! He's an asshole...you NEED to get out that relationship!" My eyes welled with tears as I realized he was absolutely right. All of my girlfriends had been telling me that same thing for weeks, but it wasn't till Rob said it in plain and simple guy terms, that I finally understood. The night ended back at Rob's place with a sloppy, drunken hook-up riddled with shame, embarrassment and remorse....oh, and me driving home slightly buzzed. I knew that Rob would never look at me the same way again. We never spoke about it.

I don't know if he remembers all that....I mean, he must? How could you forget?

If his intentions are to have a repeat of 2007, then I hope for his and his girlfriend's sake he just cancels on me. I don't think I can aid and abet in some cheating.

On the other hand, if his intentions are to revisit our friendship and really, truly be pals....then I guess that's fine. But I will say this: it is baloney for guys and girls to be friends. I don't believe our genders can keep up a platonic friendship for too long before it turns into something more....someone always wants more....and usually, that someone is me.

This long-winded text conversation was good for my soul. I had been feeling pretty maudlin the last couple of weeks. To engage in such a nice, upbeat chat gives me hope that there has to be someone similar (or better!) than Rob out there....those type of boys exist right? I miss feeling special, I miss having someone remember good thoughts about me, to want to initiate contact and spend time with me. I miss feeling wanted by a guy. And I don't meant lusted after or desired sexually.....no, I miss someone striking up a good conversation and connecting with me on a personal level. Nowadays, manners and politeness amongst guys my age is vastly non-existent. Guys like Rob are rare.

Seemingly one would think he and I would be meant for one another...I can't deny that we had a good thing 5 or 6 years ago....but what we never got, what we could never figure out, what we always ran out of was time. Quite simply, we were on different levels and the timing was never right. I was right, smack-dab in the middle of my college life. Rob was working part-time in LA while going to school and I was 300 miles way in Berkeley, figuring out what alcohol I wanted to chug next. We went on some epic dates while I was home on break, but it was never enough to carry on through the school year. We never made it past those epic dates. He's also a couple of years younger and believe me, it made a difference. Rob never had money on him and I felt annoyed at having to cover the bill or beg him to scrape together gas money to drive down the street to see me. It was ridiculous...so eventually our romance petered out. He found girls his age, closer to home and I engaged in a handful of quests for true love. We met up one last time on that fateful spring night in 2007 and never hung out again. I didn't see him until last summer, when his band performed at a skeevy dive in Downey. Remember?

Ah yes, and the weird jealousy. I forgot about that! Rob is very friendly...especially with females, as you can tell. He's been in a few local bands and garners a lot of attention as the lead guitarist. My protective instincts would be flying through the roof if I ever were to get involved with him again. He's kinda made me wary of dating a musician again. I can only imagine how his actual girlfriend feels...would I trust someone like me around him? I honestly don't know.

I never know what I'm capable of until the moment arrives. Will I be able to separate "Rob my buddy" from "Rob the old flame"? I hope so. Though it is really easy to reminisce and remember all those sweaty moments inside his car. It's so easy to transport to that silly summer romance. I close my eyes and in an instant I'm back on my old street in Whittier, standing on my tip-toes...kissing his sweet mouth, feeling the scratchy traces of his beard on my cheeks. The sunshine feels warm on my long, black hair. I can taste beer on his tongue. I'm wearing capri pants and Converse tennis shoes. He grips my waist and pulls me closer. I giggle and pull away, as he looks down at me smiling. I caress his arm and admire his tattoo. He lifts my chin and kisses me hard. And I'm floating again, lost in the hot summer sun. Why did it all have to end?

I've got about a dozen more memories just like that...something tells me I'm going to make a lousy friend. I just can't stop living in the past.