And with a wayward mind she struggles through the night

The obvious anvil had to land on my head eventually, right? The other shoe had to drop. This huge suspicion over whether or not Rob was indeed looking for an outlet to cheat on his girlfriend finally revealed itself....in what else? A series of badly-worded texts...

His little escapade started around 2:30 in the morning. Thankfully he texted me as I was sound asleep and my phone was on silent.

Somewhere around 7 am, as I'm getting ready for work, I shoot him a response apologizing for not being around and making it very obvious that I, in fact, have a normal job with normal hours. I don't hear back from him until like 9:30 am. I would type the whole conversation out for you but it went on for several hours, so let me paraphrase as best I can...

Rob proceeds to tell me he works as an after school teacher from 2 until 8 pm teaching kids how to play guitar, bass and piano. He lesson-plans during the day then goes to work. He also teaches private lessons on the weekend. Then, out of nowhere, he asks if my phone accepts and receives pictures. I know what that means, I've heard that many times and it's an indicator that this particular gentleman caller is interested in seeing some naughty pics of me. I can't believe he'd go so quickly for the obvious. Is that all he wants? A diversion? Is he bored of jacking off to his fat girlfriend? Maybe. So we do a little bit of back and forth, I know he's just aching to see some titties. I give in but not completely. I snap a picture of myself in the work restroom: pretty innocent, only showing a hint of cleavage in a low-cut top. I'm not giving him the whole enchilada just yet!

Rob: Beautiful. Nice and PG (rated). Will I get anything else later on? Please say yes ;)

Oh boy. It would be really easy to just go for it, but I hold my ground and lightly remind him that if the rating on the picture goes any higher (PG 13 or heaven forbid rated R), we might be in some deep trouble. He makes no mention of a girlfriend or this being "inappropriate" anymore. In fact, he tells me I'm sexy. He'd love to see more. Even the fact that I considered sending him something racier makes him "excited." I told him if he wants to see anything else, he needs to see me face to face over drinks. I abruptly end the chat by announcing I have to shower, just to fuck with him. It works.

Rob: You can't tell me no photo and then mention you showering! Haha. Take care lady.

So here I am on the opposite side of things. Should I be a rat bastard and help this knucklehead cheat on his girlfriend? I mean I've already implicated myself enough by sending even one remotely flirty pic and implying I am willing to indulge him with more? Where else to go but deeper into the shit?

I want to meet up with him and get the real story out of him. I know there's more he's hiding behind these stupid texts. So yeah, he has no regard for his girl....that's obvious but I need to know WHY. What changed? What are his reasons? Are his reasons better than the ones I had for cheating on Dan? Does it matter? I guess I'm the only idiot who cares. I guess it gives me solace to know that there are other people as broken and fucked up as I am. People who smile, lead normal lives, are super friendly and everyone thinks is great....but inside they hide the monstrous ability to hurt the one they love the most.

Yup, Rob and I would make a pretty fucked up pair.

I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't mess around with another girl's boyfriend. I know how painful this can all be and how nobody ends up a winner. So why can't I stop the cycle of lies and hurt feelings? Why can't I be the mature one and just put my foot down, like so many other women would do?

The truth is, I don't know. I like the attention? Superficially, that's probably the easiest answer. Nostalgia? Maybe. I really have no clue. I just want to feel wanted again. I want to be desired. I want to be in control. I want what other girls have. I want what Rob's girlfriend has. You could replace "Rob" with any other guy and I think you'd produce the same result. I have tried to obtain my own boyfriend but all my attempts have been massive failures.

And so now I covet. Lord, help me.