My sex-free, completely celibate Lent went better than expected. Here I am on the other side of of the 40 days and 40 nights, from Ash Wednesday in February to Palm Sunday in April; I feel relieved, clear, focused and completely happy.
Dan and I hung out two weeks ago. I started to feel really comfortable around him and blurted out that I still had a plan in mind to land Alfonso when he moves back to LA. Dan seems to think it was funny and revealed that he had actually told Alfonso, prior to my Boston visit two summers ago, that he should be careful....that I was dead-set on having sex with him. Apparently, Alfonso thought that was surprising but thanked Dan for his honesty. I wasn't too upset about it, just kinda weirded out that these two friends would be talking about me.If anything, Dan's little warning helped me out and I had a great time with Alfonso. Dan joked that he'd show me the FB messages he exchanged with Alfonso. When I brought it up via text the next day, Dan was not in a laughing mood. He was hurt that I was still pursuing someone else and not being "committed" to him. Ugh. We got into this really, really long text conversation that I won't bother repeating. It came down to a stalemate with no agreement and no concessions. I hedge my bets, as he puts it, and won't stop dating because I feel he won't commit and he won't commit because I won't stop seeing other people. He feels he shouldn't have to put his faith on hold for me if I don't take the non-existent commitment we have for each other seriously. We ended things on a positive note but came to no resolution, as usual. I pondered actually settling down and waiting for him since he mentioned that plenty of people marry outside of the Mormon faith....but that notion quickly came and went. I love the guy but it just isn't enough. We are too fucked.
For being celibate and vice-free, I sure do get a lot of attention from the boys. They must smell my resolved nature:
At the Crosses show last Wednesday, I met a cute boy named Gerardo. He's 30 years old and is an avid Deftones fan from Victorville. We chatted a bit and hugged at the end of the concert. I may or may not see him next Saturday at a Deftones-fans meet up.
As I walked by myself from the Viper Room to pick up my car (my friends were at the bottom of the hill, tired in pointy heeled-boots), a guy named Danny spotted me and instantly tried to chat me up as I walked briskly up the hill to the valet parking. He seemed kinda cute in a Johnny Damon-sort of a way. He liked my necklace and taste in music. He took my number down and asked for my name to Facebook me. I laughed. I bet he won't call but it was nice feeling chased, Hollywood starlet style!
But the big one...the guy who always takes the cake.
Ryan.
I thought ignoring him and staying away from his dick would give him the hint to leave me alone. I thought for sure I could kick him as a habit. But the shot clock was ticking on Friday night and I was raging hard for some affection. Yeah, I was a little weak for not being able to make it to Sunday but heck, I was impressed I didn't cave earlier. Making it 38 days is something to be proud of for someone who caves every time she sees a can of Coke or a bag of chips. Even though I definitely haven't kicked Ryan completely as a habit, I know I can stay away for long stretches of time. Maybe I can go longer now? I think so.
And so it came to be on Friday night that I had dinner plans with Mr.Lopez. I showed up at his door step with a grin on my face. He embraced me immediately and was not ashamed to show me how much he missed me. It took him only 10 minutes to corner me on his comfy bed and start pawing at my breasts. In between gulps of air, we talked about what we had been up to lately. When we weren't updating each other on our adventures, we were kissing. Every time I tried to get up and put on jacket so we could go to dinner, he'd smile and pull me back to bed. My will power was done. He pulled his pants down and there it was, his huge erection. Welcome back, did you miss us?! One amazing blowjob later and my make-up is practically melted off. Dinner time!
He takes me to Honda Ya Izakaya in Downtown LA. We wait forever for a table, but that's because Ryan wants it to be special. He wants us to sit on the floor, authentic Japanese-style. I don't mind the wait, as long as he and I can keep talking, hugging each other like a real couple. I wonder if all the Asian kids sitting at the tables near us thought we looked good together. I felt amazingly happy. Ryan was extremely affectionate the whole night, it was almost like he was a whole different other guy. He fed me tuna rolls from his chopsticks and tried to show me how to use them. Now, I'm not a big fan of Asian food in general, but I kept an open mind and enjoyed it. I was elated to see Ryan getting into the spirit, thinking up of fun poses for the waitress to photograph us in. Here are a few I took on my new iPhone:
He took several of me trying (and failing hard) at eating with chop sticks, but mostly because he liked taking pictures of my boobs. Our dinner time conversation was hilarious and we hung out at the restaurant for a very long time, as evidenced by my legs falling asleep several times on the Japanese mat and pillows. Ryan stuck a chopstick in my cleavage, I told him he was scaring the small, frail Asian patrons with his devilish goatee and we finished a pitcher of really good Japanese beer. By 12 am, I was ready for bed. We groped each other like teenagers on the car ride home and I dared to blow him in the front seat of my car, just for old times sake. If I was going to screw up my Lenten promise, let's just go all out, right?
God, he's a demon in the sack. We fucked for what feels like hours. I grind on top of him as he fastens his mouth on my breasts. I've grown to love the sight of him, eyes closed, suckling away. Now that he has a mustache, longer hair and a goatee, it all tickles and feels good. I always run my fingers through his thick, black hair, telling him how much I like it. That mouth of his is amazing, so hot and insistent.
At one point he slips the condom off and whispers in my ear if I ever let any guy come inside me WITHOUT a condom on. I said, no...not on purpose. It was always by accident or I was too drunk to feel it. Most times, the guy would just nut outside of me. Ryan asks if I want to experience it. I say yes, promising I'd take the morning after pill the next day. I can feel him smile in the dark. It took a bit of maneuvering and extra attention to get me wet enough, but he slipped it in almost effortlessly. I felt my entire body freeze. I could really feel him moving around inside of me. My breath gets caught in my throat as he begins to pump slow, then fast. "How does it feel?" he murmurs in my ear as he fucks me hard. I can't even talk. "It feels...it feels...so...raw...so tight" I sob. And then shit gets real. He's on top of me, hammering away with his hard cock. "Are you going to be a good girl and take the pill tomorrow?" he teases and all I can do is cry YES! Yes, I'll be such a good girl!! He then tells me he'll help me "take care of it." I'm trying not to freak out as abortion and pregnancy talk just start popping up in the middle of sex but hey, at least I know we're on somewhat of the same page. By then, the sound of our fucking is audible. His endurance is admirable but I know when he's close. He lays his full weight on me, places his head right on my shoulder and starts fucking faster. My arms instantly grab him, my finger nails running down his back. My legs wrap around his waist. "Okay here it comes...." he breathes and then I feel it. I lay perfectly still and feel a warm, wet trickle inside of me. My face flushes hot and I can't stop it. I come violently and clamp down hard. "You squeezed me out!" Ryan laughs and I'm pretty sure we got semen all over his bed sheets. Oh well! Worth it!
The both of us are too tired to rehash the events that just transpired. We fall asleep naked, still wrapped up in each other. I get up around 2 am to pee and put my pajamas on. Ryan thinks I have a picture of Val Kilmer on my T-shirt....it's Morrissey.
Throughout the night we sleep peacefully. I like being the big spoon, with him cuddled right up against me. I also like it when he reaches for me and puts my arms around him in the middle of the night. He'll murmur something in his sleep, like "that's nice" and kiss me. My heart soars.
In the morning, after our requisite breakfast blowjob, we watch UFC videos on YouTube and talk. He recently found an iPod touch at his work and claimed it as his own, so I'm happy to show him the ropes. He still types with one finger. Haha...He also reveals to me that his middle name is Dylan, after the singer/songwriter Bob Dylan. By 10 am, it's time to get up and go. He has laundry to do and I need a shower. He makes no mention of the morning after pill. Outside his house, we embrace. I always hate this part. He asks me if I liked the Japanese food and if I'd be willing to try it again. I say sure. I'm always up for anything. :) And that's it. I solemnly walk back to my car. He carries his laundry basket across the street. The next day, all I have to keep me company is the pictures, Ryan messaging me on Facebook, my sore jaw and equally sore mid-section, thighs and legs.
I never went to the pharmacy for the Plan B pill. Part of me is convinced I'm not pregnant. I'm pretty sure my vagina clamped shut when he ejaculated. I felt like all of it dribbled onto the sheets. The other part of me is fascinated with the idea of harboring Ryan's bastard child. I'm not against having his baby and keeping him out of it. The frightening possibility of an abortion also clouds my delusional thoughts. I'm sure Ryan couldn't afford it, but I can. Would this drive him away? I'm only now starting to feel he wants to be with me more but this...this is too much. I know that any of these outcomes will upset him. And then an even smaller part of me wishes that he'd grow up. If he knew I was keeping his kid, would this get him to stop being such an overgrown boy? That's just not my call to make. He should WANT this. I shouldn't decide it for him.
I don't know exactly what I'm in for but instead of being greeted with the feeling of panic, I feel strangely calm...like it's all going to be okay. Only time will tell.
