Have your hedonistic ways got the best of you?

Ryan's been Facebook messaging me more, probably because he has a vested interest in the aftermath of our little, unprotected tryst:

Ryan: :P
Me: back atcha nigga :P
Ryan: its Mr. Negro to you. Haha. Oh. did you take that happy pill??? haha
Me: Ecstasy? lol
Ryan: Haha. mescaline!
Me: yes. i did. i have a receipt. i don't want your demon child. :)
Ryan: Lycanthrope! Haha
Me: fine..werewolf.
Ryan: of London

....(we go on a bit of a music tangent)

Me: and i just want you to know, that whatever happens, i am willing to have your abortion. because i have plane tickets to New York City in August and they are non-refundable. lol
Ryan: Hahahah. i have hangers and a shop vac
Me: shit. do it soap opera style, push me down the stairs. that always seems to work.
Ryan: Haha
Me: best of luck! hope you have lazy swimmers and hope I've taken enough shots to the ovaries.
Ryan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L_AuvaWIh4  his specialty is the liver kick! Hahaha
Me: would he be willing to kick me in the vag for like a six pack and a 20? Hahaha
Ryan: yeah probably. he lives in Hollywood now
Me: ....impressive shots to the liver. ouch

So I lied. Big time. Eeeeek. I've never lied to him before, in the now almost 5 months we've been going out. We're not even attached, yet I feel so guilty. Regardless of whether there is a relationship here or not, this was a pretty shitty thing to do to Ryan. What if the unthinkable happens? Then I will look like the crazy, selfish, untrustworthy idiot that I know I am NOT. Ughh.

Sure, I felt an initial amount of worry. I felt more than just a pang of guilt. But like I said before, all those worrisome thoughts are quickly blocked by a sense of overwhelming calm. What am I so scared of? How am I wrecking my life? I'm done with school with no plans to enter grad school. I got a great job with great pay, amazing benefits, that could easily turn into a lucrative career. I've got a nice car. I'm nearly 30. My family is supportive and so are my friends. I don't expect anything from Ryan. As far as I'm concerned, he did nothing wrong and trusted in me. If anything, I dragged him into this and it's my problem to deal with. I'm pretty sure I could make this work. If some barefoot, uneducated 16 year old in Alabama can do it, so can I. And I bet I could do it better. And with style!

So that's the "28 & Pregnant and we're keeping the baby" scenario. Then there's the scary, "okay let's get an abortion" route. I'll be honest, I'd rather not but if Ryan insists or balks at the chance of being the father to my bastard child, then it's "kill the fetus" time. He'd owe me big time. Or at least he'd owe me a frozen yogurt and a kiss.(sighh) That's such a frightening thought.

I would not want to put my kid up for adoption. How could you carry something to term and then give it away? I'd be sad forever. Nope. I'm more comfortable snuffing out it's life than handing it to some strange couple. What does that say about me as a person? Hahahah. I'm a weirdo.

I know it seems like I'm letting Ryan off the hook in a big way, like birth control and my feelings aren't any of his concern. I know they are but how can I expect fabulous results from a shit situation? He's clearly not mature enough to engage in a proper relationship with me. He'd rather ignore me days at a time and then have his hands all over me when the time is right. That's a good indicator that he's not ready for me, let alone ready for a life-altering event. I knew better and yet I still went with his bone-headed suggestion of ditching the condom.

There's probably nothing to be worried about. But I can tell you that the next 3 and a half weeks are going to be the longest I have ever felt. Let's end this silly debacle with a period, yeah?