Glad that secret ordeal is over. And now to deal with the icky feelings of before....I wish there was a way to stab the desire to love him out of my heart and pull it out, like you do a splinter or a giant sword lodged in your gut. He doesn't deserve it, he hasn't earned it and would just sooner throw it away than actually confront it. I've never been so crazy over someone and then at the same time diametrically opposed to them.
If I value my sanity at all, I will get over this. Though I would be so elated if revealing my true feelings would result in reciprocal feelings and then a blooming romance, I know that's too much of a risk. I can feel I'd be on the losing side of that bet. The most I can strive for is occasional companionship, random dates and A+ sex.
I have to keep telling myself this, that Ryan can never be more to me than what he is now. It should be my mantra. But I'm stubborn. I want to mold this into something more because I want it so bad. This refusal to give up would've come in handy in my last relationship.
I'm always two steps behind.
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