Still stuck....in neutral?
The last couple of weeks have been a fruit cocktail of false starts and unfinished endings.
Rob has been sniffing around me again, like a horny dog in search of some easy action. When I'm strong and distracted, I can ignore him and shoot off monosyllabic answers. It's funny to watch him try to kiss my ass so I'll like him. Saturday night (around 2 am?) he barks at my door. I pick up my phone, annoyed. I fire off a text and we get to talking. Okay, so we flirted a bit. Well....a lot. I doubt it's going to go anywhere...it never does with him. He's full of lies. If he's so unhappy with his girlfriend, why doesn't he just dump her?! Cowardice isn't cute.
I've tried to nurture a "friendship" with Ryan. I'd like to have things between us be more than just one-dimensional and NOT based solely on sex. Like, I tried including him in my enthusiasm for Kings playoffs hockey. I don't think he really cares. Then I saw pictures of him today on FB with a bunch of pretty girls, having drinks and what not. The girl who tagged him is named Claudia and I look like a bag of ugly compared to her. She's friends with not only Ryan but also Edgar, apparently (thanks FB!). It's weird that she knows two of my fuck buddies, present and past respectively. My attachment to Ryan is at times very unhealthy. I hoped he and I would turn into something awesome but with every day that passes, I see us reflected in the weird carnival, fun-house mirror that is Facebook. Ever seen "Bridesmaids"? He's the Ted to my Annie. What about "Girls"? He's the Adam to my Hannah. That's sick. And I mean the gross kind of sick. I just want him to like me sooooo bad.
Dan surprised me on Saturday afternoon with an invitation to go out for lunch. He was working and picked me up during his break. We had Mexican food in Burbank and as usual, I enjoyed hanging out and catching up without the worry of a fight or the impending dark cloud of repressed anger. He drove me to a clients site and I chilled out in a coffee shop while he worked on a cash register. It was a nice being his little sidekick. When he was done, he walked over to my table and tipped his head, "Miss?" And then we took off home. I almost gave him a blow job at my house but my mom was going to be home soon, so we nixed those plans. Haha!
I don't know where my life is head....I feel aimless...alone....drained...my ultimate goal is still Alfonso, but I go in and out of feeling I can really accomplish dating him. I learned through his posts that his return date to Los Angeles has been moved to June 1st, due to vague circumstances. I wish I could get over what's plaguing me. I wish I could let go of all these loose-ends, all these stupid boys who only have temporary feelings for me. I wish there was something, ANYTHING that could give me that final push towards confidence, so that I could have the balls to stand in front of Alfonso and proclaim my true feelings for him. To look him square in his brown, sleepy eyes and proclaim, "Here I am. I want nothing more than to be with you right now. I am here. And I need you in my life."
My love life is slowly drifting into dark waters. I need to act. I need to pounce. I need to do SOMETHING. How can you grow tired of nothing?
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