Promises, & they still feel all so wasted on myself

Three dates in and I'm feeling like a winner. I can't stop smiling. Oh, I wish I could just live in these moments forever and never, ever have to wake from this dream I'm living. Now I crave him every day and I just want to wrap myself in his arms. The sound of his voice, the spark in his light brown eyes, the ripple of his laugh, oh God...I feel like I'm falling stupidly for him. Am I dangling precariously over the ledge of full blow twitterpation? Yeah, I'm fucking twitterpated...look it up. It was in Bambi :D

First....the text conversations that make me swoon. I hear my phone whistle with a new text and I just instantly know it's him. My heart leaps up into my throat and I settle down with a warm feeling of excitement. Ahhh, so idiotic but so real.

Even the mundane makes me squeal...I'm starting to feel so comfortable that I cherish silly things like this....conversations like this makes me happy! Stupid right?

And then the more intense stuff....I'm finally on the same page with a guy....I can let myself go...

Dinner and a movie on Friday. I drove to Brea in Orange County, so I could hang out with him in his neighborhood for once. Date night is finally a reality for me and I get to join the droves of horny teenagers and romantic 20-somethings in the perfect summertime night air. We have beers and wings in the upstairs patio of Buffalo Wild Wings, while we enjoy a gorgeous sunset and a perfect, California breeze. I couldn't ask for more. We sit across from each other and catch up, talking up a storm and making each other laugh in the process. It feels like scarcely a half hour but I suddenly realize we've been sitting there for over an hour. We hurry to make the movie. Inside the darkened theater, we lift up the arm rest and cuddle. That's my favorite part: his strong arm draped across my shoulder, bringing me in closer. It makes it easier for me to whisper in his ear and kiss him. I like seeing him smile in the dark. Towards the end of the movie, our hands start to get a little busier. He touches my knees and legs. I drift my fingers towards his dick but I don't dare touch him yet. Instead I rest my hand on his inner thigh, and I feel him stiffen. The muscle is so strong and it flexes under my nervous fingers. Are my hands sweaty? Argh! I retreat my hand but playfully return a few times until the movie is over.

After the movie's over, we walk back to his car, holding hands. He asks me what would I like to do right now if I had no limitations whatsoever. I smile to myself. I know where this is going. I take the bait and kiss him passionately. "I want to do more of that, but with no interruptions. I don't want to stop." He grins and says that can be arranged. His buddy lives two blocks away and his apartment is free. Nobody to bother us for a few hours. "Is that so?" I flirt, batting my eyelashes. We arrive at his car and I'm ready to climb into the passenger seat when he stops me.

He asks me seriously if I really want to do this. I can hear hesitation in his voice. Suddenly, he's not so sure. He crosses his arms and I can see a real look of concern in his eyes. And then for once, it's the other person having word vomit, not me. He let's it all out:

Chris is worried that we're going too fast. He knows we're not going to have sex tonight (I'm on my period) but is oral sex the right move? He doesn't want us to make that leap to intimacy so quick and surpass the bar, then we've got nowhere else to go. He's got family coming into town soon, he's got finals and then the beginning of his final semester of school. His big fear is that if he just rushes to third base with me, then has to attend to all his other business, I'm going to think he's abandoning me. He doesn't want to just hook up and then run out on me. He doesn't want to be an asshole. This is only our third date, do we really need to peak so soon in our intimacy?

Repeatedly, I try to leap in and allay his fears with some success. Chris is talking, a lot. I can see he genuinely cares about my feelings and wants us to be on the same page as to where we're headed. Then we start going off the rails a bit. We start talking more and more about him leaving. He says the job out in Tennessee is a done deal for him and he's moving as soon as he can, as soon as he's graduated. The expiration date on our relationship is set. I tell him that whatever happens between us, I will match his work. If he wants to continue with me, I will try my best, for as long as we have. He comments that out of the two of us, I seem more serious about our relationship but I point out that's because I don't do things just to do them. When I find something I like, I commit myself completely. I do things passionately. He appreciates that about me, but he stops me. "I think we're talking about a few different things..." I shake my head, knowing my eyes must be wider than dinner plates. I look up into his face, my heart beating so fast....unsure on how to proceed. "No, they're very much related...I just don't want to give up so quick. I like you and I like this. We deserve a fighting chance." He agrees with me and says he's on board. He will do his absolute best but I can't expect to be #1. He apologizes for just throwing me into the middle of all this personal stuff. I shrug and say it's fine. You can't ever plan these things, you can't plan on meeting the special people in your life.

I feel so small standing there in front of him. I feel tiny and scared. He towers over me, his arms still crossed. I know he's thinking hard. He keeps looking away, straining to find the right words to explain to me all that he's got running through his mind. He reveals that it would've been his two year anniversary this week. His mom and people around him have wondered if it's appropriate for him to be dating girls again. He says he doesn't want to keep hooking up without meaning, that the number of women he's slept with since his divorce has gone up significantly. More and more word vomit. He says that he can't join me at the Orange County Fair, not only because he has to study for his final....but also because it was a tradition he once shared with his ex-wife. I see him wince. I look down at the ground. I know he's still working through a lot of shit. He stands before me, very much a wounded animal. I look up at him and in a tiny voice that sounds nothing like me, I whisper: "If you felt this way. If you knew you were going to leave for Tennessee so soon, why on Earth did you open a dating profile?" Chris exhales and nods. He says he did it because he was lonely. His goal is to find the right girl and he didn't want to stop trying. My heart is not sure how to react. I see him and I still want to gather him up in my arms and tell him it's all going to be okay...but part of me wants to push him off the ledge of the parking structure and tell him to figure it out once and for all. My heart feels a twinge of empathy which quickly grows...."Oh come over here..." I say and hold out my arms to him. He bows his head and hugs me. He holds me tight against his chest. We know sex isn't going to happen tonight. We don't know when it will but we're both okay on waiting. Oral sex, though....(third base) is still on the table. Chris says I'm antagonizing him with the way I look, all low-cut top and short shorts. I laugh devilishly. He gives up finally and says I sold him on a blow job. He tells me to get in the car. I practically skip into the passenger seat.

His buddy's apartment is immaculate. I'm surprised a bachelor pad doesn't look like a hovel. There is the matter, however, of a small, black dog named Charlie. I try not to freak out, as I'm clearly a cat person. Chris scoots Charlie into the master bedroom and closes the door. It's a matter of seconds before we're making out on his buddy's couch, removing my blouse and speeding past second base. Chris unhooks my bra with one hand in record time: 4 seconds flat. "Outstanding!" I laugh as he tosses my shirt and bra into a little pile on the living room floor. He means business. His teeth on each of my nipples is enough to make me cry out. I could scream if I wasn't so scared of upsetting the dog. Chris pins me against the cushions and covers my neck with kisses. I run my hands all over his back, chest and arms. He's so strong! God bless all those months he trained to be a firefighter: I'm reaping all the benefits now! I lick the curve of his ear and feel his massive erection through his pants.I ask him breathlessly if he wants me to suck his dick. Silly question. In a split second, he's pushed the coffee table back and I'm on my knees going to work. Needless to say, I think I'm going to enjoy myself when he finally takes me. He's...uhm....got a lot for me to work with. Wow...yeah.

The drive back is always sad. He takes me to my car. I know the next few weeks are going to be rough for us. I won't be talking or seeing him as often as we do now. He's no longer joining me on my road trip to San Diego. I try not to let him hear the disappointment in my voice but it's too late. We kiss goodbye, like two lovers on a sinking ship. I climb down from his car and slip into my little Corolla. Once I see him drive away, I sit in my car and start cussing up a storm. I don't know what I'm mad at. I just feel like this is him starting to slip away. Am I losing another one? No, please....no!!!! My brain tries to use logic on my heart but all I want to do is punch a brick wall. Why are things always so complicated for me? Why can't things just be easy for once?  Why are there always tons of obstacles? Why can't it just be simple!?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE THIS?

(sigh) "Anything worth having is never easy"...remember? You said that to Chris earlier in your speech about working hard. Did you already forget that? (sigh...sigh)

The salt on the wound? A parking ticket from the City of Brea. Nice. Thanks for making me feel welcome Orange County. That blow job just cost me $51 and part of my sanity. Knowing that there's an expiration date on our relationship is both a blessing and a curse. I don't want to focus on the end and him leaving. I want to enjoy the present and all that we want to do with the time we have left. I remember as we stood on the roof of the parking structure, I told him not to worry about us progressing too fast and us getting too involved, that things could fizzle and next month we might even hate each other. We both had a laugh about it. Now I worry that in a month's time, I could find myself very much head over heels over him.

I took this one on Friday while waiting for dinner...he kept refusing to let me take a picture...but I finally convinced him to give me his cool-guy pose...here he is, Chris...in all his nerdy, rockabilly greaser glory...

If you let me, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll take care of you

I know you’ve been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here’s what I’ll do
I’ll take care of you....
I’ve loved & I’ve lost

This must be the beginning of something amazing. For once, I'm not worrying every little second or cursing my cell phone. My imagination isn't running wild. I'm not starving for attention and having to chase a boy down. Chris fits so nicely in my life, I don't feel like I have to adjust or jump through hoops to see him. I look at him and I just know that he's my equal. There's no hero worship or school-girl crush syndrome here. He's just so right.


I also know things are different because I don't sit around fantasizing about him, wondering what he's doing or craving to have sex with him, every hour on the hour. All I really ever desire is to see him at the end of the week, curl up in his arms and be content. There have been a few instances where we've both wanted to give into hormonal rage and sleep together, but the need subsides and we think better of it. The plan was to finally take it a step further this upcoming Friday but Mother Nature had other plans for me. Chris was incredibly cavalier and said it was no problem, there would be plenty of time for that. He's house-sitting for a friend starting August 1st, so I don't despair. In fact, I am happy to wait. I want to wait. Yeah, I know....that's a record for me....virtually unheard of, hahaha!!!

Spiritually and emotionally, I know I'm in a better place. As soon as we had our first date a couple of weeks ago, on the unluckiest day of the year Friday the 13th, I knew I was falling into good luck. The following Saturday I went to my local parish and took confession. I wanted my conscience, my soul and my relationship with God to be clean. I wanted to start fresh with Chris. I wanted to rid myself of all my past transgressions and put them behind me once and for all. I wanted to own up to them and finally say "I'm sorry, I fucked up, I won't do it again." Okay, so I omitted the word "fuck" while I was praying in church but you get the idea. I never prayed so hard in my life. I never wanted to do anything so right, in regards to my love life. 

There are things I want to say and do with him that I've never felt before. I want to be a better person. I want to work harder at my job, be nicer to strangers and make my friends feel good. I feel like laughing more. When I pass by a mirror, I instantly smile. I like who I am around him and moreover, I want to be there for him, protect him and make him happy. I want to mend his heart and show him I am worthy of his trust, which he so willingly has given me. I want to pull him close, put his head against my shoulder and make him forget any residual hatred he might have towards his ex-wife or any other terrible person he's come in contact with. It's so odd to feel this way, I almost don't understand it. Maybe my heart is growing up, finally...

I'm no longer feeling a need to lie. I know it's a lot to take in, but I'm positive I can handle it. My heart has been bruised, broken, cracked, ripped at the seams and trampled on over these last 2 years, some of it I deserved....some of it I didn't....but here I am, still standing and very much alive.

I feel like I'm flying. Not floating, not drifting, not sailing. I'm up way higher....things are taking off.

We just planned our next date (number 3!) for this coming Friday. Dinner and a movie...and who knows what else?

I can't wait. I want to hear his laugh again. See him smile, with his slightly-chipped front tooth. I want to feel him kiss me again, my face burning from the scratch of his stubble. I want his strong arms to wrap themselves around me, unexpectedly. I want to squeeze his hand while we walk side by side. I want him to play George Michael for me again on his stereo and sing "Careless Whispers" in a mock-falsetto while I giggle uncontrollably. I want him to take his stethoscope out of his backseat again and pretend to hear my heartbeat, even though he really just wants to touch my boobs. He threatened to wear his lab coat if I didn't cooperate next time. Hahaha.....one night with him just doesn't seem like enough.

This must be more than just your average infatuation or passing fancy. I was at lunch, flipping channels when I spotted Salma Hayek kissing Matthew Perry at the end of Fools Rush In, a movie I've seen a dozen times already. My eyes welled up with real tears....OF HAPPINESS!!! What?!? Gross. I never cry, much less from joy.

Must be the menstrual hormones.

Or maybe I'm just really, genuinely happy?

The current state of events with Chris are pretty fucking rad.

Good times for a change...

Things between Chris and I have been going swimmingly.

Like really, no sarcasm. So good. We've got two dates under our belts plus a few phone calls and countless text messages.

I wish I had the time and energy to paste all the conversations we've been having, but I guess I can summarize: he confesses that he likes me a lot and is ready to trust again. He feels like I'm just the right person he wants to trust. He also tells me that this is a side of himself he hasn't shown in a while and he's grateful to me for helping him get there. The kicker, the part that made my heart swell, was when he revealed that he felt that what was happening between us had the potential to be pretty great. I was floored. I hadn't heard this talk from a guy in YEARS. Like...maybe in my courtship years with Dan nearly a dozen years ago. Shit just got real. And I am so glad. Incredibly, unequivocally elated.

These last few nights have been amazing. I feel like I'm moving through a happy dream. Chris continually surprises me. Not once has he been weird or slipped into asshole-mood, like all the others. On the contrary, he's been straight-forward, consistent and honest. He's so sweet, so kind but isn't a push-over. We've already made plans to drive down together to San Diego and see my friend Caroline in 3 weeks. Just knowing that the guy you like is nuts about you and is putting in the equal amount of effort to be with you is just so fucking wonderful. I've been grinning everyday.

He's mature and thoughtful. Most guys would have already pawed at my breasts and begged me for a blowjob. Not Chris. He's expressed an immense desire to be with me intimately but hasn't pressured me or pushed me to have sex. We don't want to rush on the intimacy and have decided to wait. We finally broke down on Friday night and the make-out session was incredibly intense, but we have not moved past second base. Nearly wandered into third base but we stopped ourselves.

Last night's phone conversation was great and we learned more stuff about each other. I also received a bit of a revelation from him. He had made references to it earlier but then finally revealed that he most likely will be moving to Tennessee once he graduates from school in October. There's a great opportunity for him to placed at a hospital in Nashville and in the past he's given up on his dreams to stay here in California. This is a goal and an ambition of his, so he's stopping at nothing to achieve it. I knew this was coming, as he had asked me at dinner on Friday if I'd ever consider moving away, and I answered truthfully: if I see a good reason to, I will. So discussing the subject last night, we started in on what is taking shape between us. He's considering my feelings in all of this and wanted me to know where he's headed, so I could make a decision on whether I'd want to continue. I told him I definitely want to continue, I want to give us a fighting chance and see where this can blossom into. Chris sounded relieved and agreed with me. We both agree that we deserve a chance to be happy again, with each other of course. I don't want to predict what's going to occur or develop between us, but it feels like it's going to be great.

The future is a little uncertain and that's fine. Tomorrow isn't a guarantee, all we got is today.

Chris is great and I'm starting to feel like this is the start of something amazing. It's a little scary and a little exciting. I seriously love my life right now. I like where I'm headed. I've picked up and brushed the dirt off my broken heart. Chris is slowly helping me mend. I'm ready to go :)

That's all I wanted: something special, something sacred

Everything is happening so fast, I'm a ball of emotions. I've gone from feeling excited, to sad, to annoyed, to interested, to giggly, to nervous, to happy, to hopeful in the span of 2 weeks.

First of all, you can forget about this Bryan (Brian?) character from over a week ago. He never called me after our first date and then when I texted to say hello, he never responded. Suck a dick, you stupid liar. See if I'll eat french fries and drink whiskey with you again! >:( ARGH!!

Moving on....

While I was riding high on the Bryan-train not too long ago, I was also exchanging e-mails with this fellow named Chris. He seemed nice, average-looking with a pretty good job working at a hospital. He wasn't as forth-coming as Brian was, in fact he seemed a little more shy. We e-mailed for like a week before he took the leap at giving me his phone number. Then we began to text regularly. I wasn't doing much talking since I wasn't very interested, just responding to his questions. He was very sweet, engaging and thoughtful. This went on for another week before he finally found the courage to ask me out. It came at an unlikely time. Last week, my friend Ralph passed away and my grandmother was rushed to the hospital. I was fighting back tears for a whole week, sitting in my grandma's room in urgent care, hoping she'd get better. Chris was kind enough to talk me through it and had encouraging words. His job puts him in these sorts of situations on a daily basis, so he knew just what to say to make me feel better. When he finally worked up the courage to ask me out, I was all for it. At best, I might find a cool guy to date. At worst, I'd get a free meal? Haha.

So we decided on Italian food and bowling in my old neighborhood of Whittier. I put extra care into my outfit, making sure everything matched and of course, that I showed ample cleavage. I figured if I wasn't a stimulating enough conversation partner, maybe he'd walk away with a cool memories of my bodacious rack, hahah!!! I will admit, when I arrived at Lascari's on Friday night, my heart was pounding so loud...I could feel it in my ears.

I show up and Chris is already waiting for me. I see him stand up. He looks better in person than he does in his pictures on Match. He's adorable in his checkered, flannel button-up shirt with cuffed jeans and black-rimmed Buddy Holly-style glasses. A white boy greaser? Yes please.

Conversation during dinner was shaky at first and I know I was nervous (I tend to laugh a lot when I'm anxious!) but we recovered nicely once we opened up more. Chris is really, really funny. He does really great impressions and is good at accents. I was cracking up the whole time during dinner. That familiar funny feeling in the pit of my stomach resurfaced and I felt awesome. We talked a little about everything and I found out his family is originally from Chicago. He's a die-hard White Sox fan and he loves hockey. Chris works at a hospital/rehab center in Brea and goes to school in Garden Grove so he can be certified as a respiratory therapist. He's gone to firefighter school to learn first aid and emergency care. He loves punk, rockabilly and some country. We have the same taste in movies and TV, especially anything Will Ferrell related. I think I blew his mind when I did my impression of Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Caray (well, Will Ferrell's version of it). That might've been the turning point of the night :)

Unfortunately, it was league night at the bowling alley, so we decided to skip it and go across the street to Black Angus for drinks. Much better choice.

Once I get a teensy bit of booze in me, I get less nervous and a bit more relaxed. He has a Jack & Coke while I have a Makers & Coke. No Johnnie Walker, I have to make do. Conversation at Black Angus was even better. By then, we'd been hanging out for well over 3 hours and were feeling quite comfortable with each other. I declared my love for Morrissey, Bad Religion and Deftones, to which Chris reciprocated nicely. He even laughed at my unusual penchant for George Michael and all things Wham. Haha!! We were the last people at the restaurant and had no signs of slowing down. We walked out into the parking lot and spend the next 2 hours just talking. Okay, to be more realistic, we were laughing, talking loudly, screaming, singing and making fun of each other. I don't even remember what triggered it, but Chris looks down at me and smiles. It's a beautiful summer night and I'm not even the least bit cold. He draws me in closer, his hands resting on my hips and he kisses me. I don't even have time to close my eyes or tilt my head. WOW. Our lips crush against each other and I slowly feel myself relent. I'm melting inside. Feels good to not overthink this. Feels good to not be the one making the first move! We kept talking for what seemed like hours, occasionally stopping to hug or make out. One of the highlights was when he spotted the beaded rosary hanging from the rear-view mirror of my car. He asked if I was Catholic, too. I immediately pointed out the Virgin of Guadalupe stamp on the rear-view mirror on his car and told him I was also a Catholic. We then had a silly contest to see who was a better Catholic. He busted out his old Palm Sunday fronds and I pulled mine from my glove-box. He also showed off his stack of prayer cards and I asked if he was trying to be the mayor of heaven. He laughed and said he was trying to be Jesus's best friend. I knew I had a couple of prayer cards of my own stashed somewhere deep in the center console of my car, probably white and bleached from the sun but I made no move to recover them. I'd figure I'd let him win :D There were more and more similarities as the night went on, but it was getting to be almost 2 am. I bid Chris a good night as he sat in the driver seat of his car, with the door open. I stood in front of him and found him to be the perfect height for me to kiss back. He was able to move his hands lower and caress my hips and butt. Kissing him was dizzying. Every time I pulled away, he brought me back in. With dread, I knew I had to go home. We made hasty plans to hang out again. I felt it was a dick move to tell him about all the times guys swore they'd see me again but then don't. He raised an eyebrow and asked if this was reverse psychology. He sincerely wanted to see me again, I could tell....but I was afraid to get my hopes up again. We texted again when I got home and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Chris chased me via text all of Saturday and Sunday, both of us flirting recklessly. Sunday night rolls around and he wants to see me again but I hesitate. I don't want to come off like a slut but I also don't want to seem like a prude. Chris rescues me from my moral dilemma by calling me on the phone. We talked for nearly 3 hours! Amongst all the fun chatter, embarrassing stories and striking similarities, we were also very open and honest with each other. Chris confessed he was divorced. He had only been married less than a year. His wife had cheated on him with a co-worker from her job. His divorce was finalized last year and he's in the process of getting his marriage annulled. I was stunned but relieved to know he was working on repairing his love life by looking for the right girl. He hadn't given up on love. In fact, he's willing to remarry, buy a house and one day have children. I felt my heart soar. To be married, own a home and have kids is my supreme goal, too! I told him this and so much more. I explained as much as I could about my love life, touching on my time with Dan and my experience with dating a string of losers. I was accountable for some of the mistakes I made in picking guys. It sounded like we both were on the same page and nervous about each other, in a good way. What impressed me is how much of a gentleman he is. He is letting me go at my own pace and is not afraid to take steps back if I don't feel ready. And for once, I'm not rushing towards sex. I want to see him yes, but I want to keep getting to know him better. For once, I am excited to go slow.

We're back to texting today, on what feels like the first glorious Monday morning in a long time. I'm a little sprung on him. We're making plans as we speak to hang out later this week. I don't know where this is going but it seems promising, probably more than the others. I'd like to have a Catholic boy all to my own :)

He holds me in his big arms, drunk & I am seeing stars

The emotional rollercoaster was quick and though I'm relieved it's over, I knew it was going to happen and I knew it was going to be necessary. I hope that by the end of this entry, I'm left with a happy ending. I think so.

Things with David did not pan out, as much as I had my heart riding on it. I shouldn't have bet so highly on him but it was bound to happen; the attraction was immediate and it burst so brightly. He was straight and honest with me from the start and I knew that my gamble to convince him otherwise was ill-fated. Just once I would like to be proved wrong. Just once I wish someone would change their mind about ME, not the other way around. Hmm.

I think David changed his mind about me too MANY times.

After the Great Make-out on Sunset Blvd. things felt fine. David and I were tagging each other in posts and sharing photos. He even followed me on Twitter, but then quickly retracted his follow. I thought that was weird but chalked it up to the quirks of the internet. Then I panicked. Did I talk about him too much on there? Did I freak him out? For once, I blabbed too hard on Twitter but appeared cool as a cucumber on Facebook. I'll never know. I'll never really know the reason for the collapse.

Tuesday morning comes...

Me: Were you going to catch Ted this weekend?
David: No. I think I need some time alone...

Like a bucket of cold water all over my back. My stomach instantly knotted. I knew what was coming. God, really...again?

I stayed away from him for a whole week. Maybe I came on too strong? Maybe if enough time passed, he'd get over whatever nonsense was pissing him off.

It didn't work. Things imploded.

Me: Did you want to hang out this week? Maybe catch dinner?
David: I'm sorry but I don't think we can hang out anymore [...]
Me: I figured as much...I appreciate you being so forth-coming. Thanks for not letting me wonder.
David: You are a very cool person. Please take care of yourself.
Me: You do the same.
David: :) 

That stupid smiley was the twist of the knife in my gut. No, stop...don't start crying. I willed my eyes to stop watering. I don't need to mourn him. He was never mine to begin with. Stupidly, my heart had already begun to invest in him. All of my conniving and flirtation couldn't help me. And though I wanted to hate David with every fiber of my being, I knew it was partly my fault for pushing him, when he had told me clearly that was not his intention. I didn't take advantage of him that night on Sunset Blvd. I just cushioned the blow of the inevitable by taking what I thought belonged to me. I cheated and cut to the finish line. I wanted to make a guy who didn't want a relationship to be my boyfriend. I WANTED IT SOOOO BAD. I didn't consider the ramifications. I forgot that this guy had feelings. I misjudged him and thought he was like Ryan and all the rest: I thought the physicality would win him over. But David is not like that. And as confusing as his Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior was, he was right to end things. I was right to thank him. Fuck, it still hurts.

The next few days were tough, I'm not going to lie. I came close to crying at least half a dozen times, but as usual, I couldn't. My body rejects the idea. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to lose myself in good times with my friends. I went to the movies a lot. I escaped in the alternate realities of the cinema. I remembered my days as a sophomore Film major at Berkeley. I remembered how good it was to watch a movie and laugh in the dark. I surrounded myself with positive feelings. I forgot about David. We were like fireworks on the 4th of July. Brief, pretty...but always burning out too quick. It was nice, but it was doomed to be temporary. I just never wanted to give into the terms.

I won't philosophize why I did what I did next. In fact, I think it was more of a whim, not a hard-thought decision. And who really needs to explain why you do things on a whim? I was feeling adventurous as all hell. I opened up a Match.com account (again) and actually paid for a subscription this time. If I want to date so bad and find that perfect boyfriend, why not look for cute men who want to do the same for a change? I threw myself into the pool of hopeful singles.

Uhmm, will admit...that was a scary situation for a few days there. For nearly a week, I combed through profiles and weeded out the weirdos from the not-so-weirdos. Who sounded like a jerk? Who looked like a goblin? Who had something enlightening to say? Who had good grammar and correct spelling? Okay, maybe just decent grammar and okay spelling? I filtered my preferences so that the pool of potential matches didn't feel like an ocean. I just want a nice little lake I can work from!

After a few days of initial cat-calling and badly worded e-mails I received from suitors, I settled on a handful of gentlemen who seemed worth talking to. Everyone seemed nice but nobody was impressing me. It was all so weird and awkward, with just a hint of desperation. Then finally, a strong candidate appeared.

His name is Brian. He had a finely crafted bio that hit me like a wave of coolness. He was smart, witty, well-spoken and had no time for bullshit. He likes Joy Division, bourbon and his apartment smells of rich mahogany. But on a deeper level, he claimed to be emotionally available and had a low tolerance for unoriginality. He "winked" at me on Match.com which I guess can be converted to a "like" on Facebook or a "favorite" on Twitter. I winked back. Then I e-mailed because I wanted to get his attention. And we were off to the races...

Me: 

hola

Read your profile. You sir, are hilarious. And honest.

I commend you on not pulling any punches.

Here's the part where I try not to feel like an ass and say that I'd like to get to know you better. I'm new to this whole online dating thing, so forgive me if I sound sophomoric. 

Next day I get a response much to my delight:

RE: hola

Hello there... [...] is it? Well I appreciate your kind words. I try to keep it real and so many people on here seem so unoriginal that it can get kinda discouraging.

So where in LA are you? I'm in Los Feliz. I moved to LA in 2000 from Mississippi and feel right at home here. Are you from LA originally?

I'm a chef and I've been cooking for about 16 years now. Tell me more about your job.

My membership ends here in a couple days so heres my number: [...] in case you wanna call/text me. Or give me yours and I'll call you. Whats your schedule like? Wanna grab a drink? 

Holy cow...let's keep the party going..I've plundered his profile pics on Match. He's adorable.

RE: hola

Nice to meet you, Brian. Thanks for writing back.

Very cool you're in Los Feliz. I actually work down the way from you in Silverlake at [...]. We're a scenic design company and I'm the Senior Customer Service Specialist; that's just a lot of words for quality control and customer care. We have all sorts of clients, from Lynyrd Skynyrd to small-time theater church groups, so I field a lot of calls and trouble shoot any issues.

I'm often found bumming around Los Feliz, actually I just hit up the Village Cinema and Fred's 62 on Saturday night. I am definitely LA-born and bred.

I'll save your number. Mine is [...]. My schedule's pretty predictable during the summer, I'm out of here usually by 4:30 pm and I don't work weekends. My Friday night is wide open as of now. By all means, shoot me a text or call if you want to grab that drink. Ye Rustic Inn? 

He texted me the following day to confirm that Friday was great and he'd give me a call to set up a time. True to his word, Thursday night I get a call and we decide to meet at 6 pm. His voice is calm, without a hint of an accent. He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. Eeeeek.

I was weirdly not scared of meeting a stranger for drinks. I felt....kinda excited! So Friday night came and I had spent almost no time worrying about meeting this 35 year old chef from Los Feliz. I tricked myself into not caring by distracting myself with work, vacation plans and softball. I even chatted with another prospect named Christopher who was a complete dud via text. On top of that, I met my friend Russell for drinks and Morrissey karaoke. At one time I wondered if Russell and I might make a good pair, but he was a little too dumb for my taste and I got the sense he realized that accepting my invitation was a mistake. He might just go live in my friend-zone, and that's fine if he puts me in that pen, too. 

But yes, once the distractions were over, I was free to think about Brian. Good thing I didn't have time to agonize or dissect it, as I usually do. Nope, Friday night came and I was sitting in a dive bar in Los Feliz, eating french fries and drinking whiskey with Brian. I'm telling you, he's cute. My word!!! He's got this cool, young Micheal Keaton vibe about him. His eyes are quick, his wit is even quicker. The guy is funny and he doesn't laugh out loud. He makes a joke and keeps a straight face. It's a little unusual and I'm not used to it, but it works for him. I found myself learning so much about him. He tells me about growing up in the deep South, what it was like being raised Methodist and how he moved to California just to try something new. He tells me about his parents, his grandmother who passed away and how he knows Spanish because all his short order cooks are Mexicans. He tells me about his dumb roommate who can't program the DVR and how he wishes his company would go forward with plans to expand to the East Coast. He also likes Arrested Development. Possibly the cherry on the sundae. He saw how big my eyes widened when he made a "banana stand" reference. He asked if that meant we'd make out later. (Dramatic irony?)

I found myself opening up to him, too and I can't remember all that I said to him. At the beginning, he felt like a stranger. By the end of 5 hours of conversation, he felt like an old friend. I was nervous, no doubt about it. I accidentally spilled my drink all over the table and was mortified but Brian took it in stride and said I should ask for another whiskey and Coke. I was about to die from embarrassment but he rescued me with a big wad of napkins and a clever smile. As I wiped ice and whiskey from the vinyl cushions of the booth, my face flaming red with shame (obviously mad at myself for not realizing I was starting to get drunk), Brian kept steady and calm. He asked me about my family, where I was from, what movies I liked, what music I listened to. I never wanted to stop talking to him. But it was getting late. Neither one of us had realized the time. He had to work the next morning and was starting to feel sleepy. He was also a little bit tipsy, having drained three whiskey and Cokes himself. He offered to walk me back to my car.

We walked slowly to my little silver Corolla, planning on when would be the next time we'd see each other. I said I was game anytime and he raised an eyebrow at me, "So no rejection from you?" he asks. None. I shake my head. I tell him that my answer would be yes. We agreed he'd make the next offer and we'd set up a date. A real one. "I don't know if taking you out for whiskey and french fries counts as a date.." he muses as we walk side by side in the warm, summertime night air. "It's been a long time since anyone's eaten french fries with me.." he continues. I feel myself smile and say "I don't mind eating french fries with you. I'm also looking for someone to eat french fries with, I'd imagine you're the same or else you wouldn't be on a dating website." He nods. His Match subscription ended that night. I know what he's thinking. Time to make a move. The air suddenly feels electric. He gathers me in a hug, he squeezes so hard. I feel my chest crush against his chest. My arms instinctively go up around his shoulders. "Goodnight, thanks for a great time" he says. I hear him, even though my left ear is now pressed up against him. His arms are so strong. Time starts moving fast and then slow. My hands drift down and I hold onto his thumbs. My fingers are so tiny compared to his, I can wrap my whole hand around his thumbs. I summon up the courage to look up into his face. He's smiling down at me, with these huge hazel eyes. Little flecks of gold, brown and green. He has a scruffy beard and a smug smile on his lips. "Okay, yeah...I'll call you. We'll figure it out. I want to see you again" he says and then he tilts his head. He closes his eyes and bends down. YOU ONLY GET ONE OF THESE. My brain goes on auto-pilot. We kiss. And then again, and then again. I lose track. I whisper against his lips, still reeling from the softness of his facial hair, "Oh no. All those hipster kids waiting to get into the bar are watching us make out." He smiles and kisses me again. I'm still holding onto his thumbs, like I need to steady myself. Like I'm steering him into kissing me. His mouth is warm and his beard tickles. He hugs me again, so hard and I can feel the muscles of his upper arms through the thin fabric of his baby blue, button up shirt. He holds my left hand as he tells me to be careful on my way home. I tell him to do the same. I peel myself away from him and his hazel gaze. And that's it. I drive home happy. I don't celebrate. I just soak it in.

In bed, happy text messages:

I'm not getting overly excited. Or overly confident. You don't hit a home-run on your first try. But this is a good start. We'll see what happens. Brian is squeal-worthy, I will say that.

In the meantime, I'm leaving my options open. I'm allowing a small trickle of suitors to seek me out. I'm also not afraid to chase down wild game. Especially if it's the 25 year old cousin of my best friend. HAHAHA!!! I spent the better part of Saturday night eye-raping Sandy's cousin Jason.

The 1987 model is so adorable. So clueless. So oblivious. Ahh, to be that stupid again. Haha! No thanks.

You know what I'm gonna do a lot less of on here? Whine. And complain. There's no cause for it. Life is great. Doors open and close all the time. I'm working from a crop of guys who want to date seriously. Maybe changing venues will help. We shall see. I'm all about finding out! WISH ME LUCK!!! :D