First....the text conversations that make me swoon. I hear my phone whistle with a new text and I just instantly know it's him. My heart leaps up into my throat and I settle down with a warm feeling of excitement. Ahhh, so idiotic but so real.
Even the mundane makes me squeal...I'm starting to feel so comfortable that I cherish silly things like this....conversations like this makes me happy! Stupid right?
And then the more intense stuff....I'm finally on the same page with a guy....I can let myself go...
After the movie's over, we walk back to his car, holding hands. He asks me what would I like to do right now if I had no limitations whatsoever. I smile to myself. I know where this is going. I take the bait and kiss him passionately. "I want to do more of that, but with no interruptions. I don't want to stop." He grins and says that can be arranged. His buddy lives two blocks away and his apartment is free. Nobody to bother us for a few hours. "Is that so?" I flirt, batting my eyelashes. We arrive at his car and I'm ready to climb into the passenger seat when he stops me.
He asks me seriously if I really want to do this. I can hear hesitation in his voice. Suddenly, he's not so sure. He crosses his arms and I can see a real look of concern in his eyes. And then for once, it's the other person having word vomit, not me. He let's it all out:
Chris is worried that we're going too fast. He knows we're not going to have sex tonight (I'm on my period) but is oral sex the right move? He doesn't want us to make that leap to intimacy so quick and surpass the bar, then we've got nowhere else to go. He's got family coming into town soon, he's got finals and then the beginning of his final semester of school. His big fear is that if he just rushes to third base with me, then has to attend to all his other business, I'm going to think he's abandoning me. He doesn't want to just hook up and then run out on me. He doesn't want to be an asshole. This is only our third date, do we really need to peak so soon in our intimacy?
Repeatedly, I try to leap in and allay his fears with some success. Chris is talking, a lot. I can see he genuinely cares about my feelings and wants us to be on the same page as to where we're headed. Then we start going off the rails a bit. We start talking more and more about him leaving. He says the job out in Tennessee is a done deal for him and he's moving as soon as he can, as soon as he's graduated. The expiration date on our relationship is set. I tell him that whatever happens between us, I will match his work. If he wants to continue with me, I will try my best, for as long as we have. He comments that out of the two of us, I seem more serious about our relationship but I point out that's because I don't do things just to do them. When I find something I like, I commit myself completely. I do things passionately. He appreciates that about me, but he stops me. "I think we're talking about a few different things..." I shake my head, knowing my eyes must be wider than dinner plates. I look up into his face, my heart beating so fast....unsure on how to proceed. "No, they're very much related...I just don't want to give up so quick. I like you and I like this. We deserve a fighting chance." He agrees with me and says he's on board. He will do his absolute best but I can't expect to be #1. He apologizes for just throwing me into the middle of all this personal stuff. I shrug and say it's fine. You can't ever plan these things, you can't plan on meeting the special people in your life.
I feel so small standing there in front of him. I feel tiny and scared. He towers over me, his arms still crossed. I know he's thinking hard. He keeps looking away, straining to find the right words to explain to me all that he's got running through his mind. He reveals that it would've been his two year anniversary this week. His mom and people around him have wondered if it's appropriate for him to be dating girls again. He says he doesn't want to keep hooking up without meaning, that the number of women he's slept with since his divorce has gone up significantly. More and more word vomit. He says that he can't join me at the Orange County Fair, not only because he has to study for his final....but also because it was a tradition he once shared with his ex-wife. I see him wince. I look down at the ground. I know he's still working through a lot of shit. He stands before me, very much a wounded animal. I look up at him and in a tiny voice that sounds nothing like me, I whisper: "If you felt this way. If you knew you were going to leave for Tennessee so soon, why on Earth did you open a dating profile?" Chris exhales and nods. He says he did it because he was lonely. His goal is to find the right girl and he didn't want to stop trying. My heart is not sure how to react. I see him and I still want to gather him up in my arms and tell him it's all going to be okay...but part of me wants to push him off the ledge of the parking structure and tell him to figure it out once and for all. My heart feels a twinge of empathy which quickly grows...."Oh come over here..." I say and hold out my arms to him. He bows his head and hugs me. He holds me tight against his chest. We know sex isn't going to happen tonight. We don't know when it will but we're both okay on waiting. Oral sex, though....(third base) is still on the table. Chris says I'm antagonizing him with the way I look, all low-cut top and short shorts. I laugh devilishly. He gives up finally and says I sold him on a blow job. He tells me to get in the car. I practically skip into the passenger seat.
His buddy's apartment is immaculate. I'm surprised a bachelor pad doesn't look like a hovel. There is the matter, however, of a small, black dog named Charlie. I try not to freak out, as I'm clearly a cat person. Chris scoots Charlie into the master bedroom and closes the door. It's a matter of seconds before we're making out on his buddy's couch, removing my blouse and speeding past second base. Chris unhooks my bra with one hand in record time: 4 seconds flat. "Outstanding!" I laugh as he tosses my shirt and bra into a little pile on the living room floor. He means business. His teeth on each of my nipples is enough to make me cry out. I could scream if I wasn't so scared of upsetting the dog. Chris pins me against the cushions and covers my neck with kisses. I run my hands all over his back, chest and arms. He's so strong! God bless all those months he trained to be a firefighter: I'm reaping all the benefits now! I lick the curve of his ear and feel his massive erection through his pants.I ask him breathlessly if he wants me to suck his dick. Silly question. In a split second, he's pushed the coffee table back and I'm on my knees going to work. Needless to say, I think I'm going to enjoy myself when he finally takes me. He's...uhm....got a lot for me to work with. Wow...yeah.
The drive back is always sad. He takes me to my car. I know the next few weeks are going to be rough for us. I won't be talking or seeing him as often as we do now. He's no longer joining me on my road trip to San Diego. I try not to let him hear the disappointment in my voice but it's too late. We kiss goodbye, like two lovers on a sinking ship. I climb down from his car and slip into my little Corolla. Once I see him drive away, I sit in my car and start cussing up a storm. I don't know what I'm mad at. I just feel like this is him starting to slip away. Am I losing another one? No, please....no!!!! My brain tries to use logic on my heart but all I want to do is punch a brick wall. Why are things always so complicated for me? Why can't things just be easy for once? Why are there always tons of obstacles? Why can't it just be simple!?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE THIS?
(sigh) "Anything worth having is never easy"...remember? You said that to Chris earlier in your speech about working hard. Did you already forget that? (sigh...sigh)
The salt on the wound? A parking ticket from the City of Brea. Nice. Thanks for making me feel welcome Orange County. That blow job just cost me $51 and part of my sanity. Knowing that there's an expiration date on our relationship is both a blessing and a curse. I don't want to focus on the end and him leaving. I want to enjoy the present and all that we want to do with the time we have left. I remember as we stood on the roof of the parking structure, I told him not to worry about us progressing too fast and us getting too involved, that things could fizzle and next month we might even hate each other. We both had a laugh about it. Now I worry that in a month's time, I could find myself very much head over heels over him.
I took this one on Friday while waiting for dinner...he kept refusing to let me take a picture...but I finally convinced him to give me his cool-guy pose...here he is, Chris...in all his nerdy, rockabilly greaser glory...
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