If you let me, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll take care of you

I know you’ve been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here’s what I’ll do
I’ll take care of you....
I’ve loved & I’ve lost

This must be the beginning of something amazing. For once, I'm not worrying every little second or cursing my cell phone. My imagination isn't running wild. I'm not starving for attention and having to chase a boy down. Chris fits so nicely in my life, I don't feel like I have to adjust or jump through hoops to see him. I look at him and I just know that he's my equal. There's no hero worship or school-girl crush syndrome here. He's just so right.


I also know things are different because I don't sit around fantasizing about him, wondering what he's doing or craving to have sex with him, every hour on the hour. All I really ever desire is to see him at the end of the week, curl up in his arms and be content. There have been a few instances where we've both wanted to give into hormonal rage and sleep together, but the need subsides and we think better of it. The plan was to finally take it a step further this upcoming Friday but Mother Nature had other plans for me. Chris was incredibly cavalier and said it was no problem, there would be plenty of time for that. He's house-sitting for a friend starting August 1st, so I don't despair. In fact, I am happy to wait. I want to wait. Yeah, I know....that's a record for me....virtually unheard of, hahaha!!!

Spiritually and emotionally, I know I'm in a better place. As soon as we had our first date a couple of weeks ago, on the unluckiest day of the year Friday the 13th, I knew I was falling into good luck. The following Saturday I went to my local parish and took confession. I wanted my conscience, my soul and my relationship with God to be clean. I wanted to start fresh with Chris. I wanted to rid myself of all my past transgressions and put them behind me once and for all. I wanted to own up to them and finally say "I'm sorry, I fucked up, I won't do it again." Okay, so I omitted the word "fuck" while I was praying in church but you get the idea. I never prayed so hard in my life. I never wanted to do anything so right, in regards to my love life. 

There are things I want to say and do with him that I've never felt before. I want to be a better person. I want to work harder at my job, be nicer to strangers and make my friends feel good. I feel like laughing more. When I pass by a mirror, I instantly smile. I like who I am around him and moreover, I want to be there for him, protect him and make him happy. I want to mend his heart and show him I am worthy of his trust, which he so willingly has given me. I want to pull him close, put his head against my shoulder and make him forget any residual hatred he might have towards his ex-wife or any other terrible person he's come in contact with. It's so odd to feel this way, I almost don't understand it. Maybe my heart is growing up, finally...

I'm no longer feeling a need to lie. I know it's a lot to take in, but I'm positive I can handle it. My heart has been bruised, broken, cracked, ripped at the seams and trampled on over these last 2 years, some of it I deserved....some of it I didn't....but here I am, still standing and very much alive.

I feel like I'm flying. Not floating, not drifting, not sailing. I'm up way higher....things are taking off.

We just planned our next date (number 3!) for this coming Friday. Dinner and a movie...and who knows what else?

I can't wait. I want to hear his laugh again. See him smile, with his slightly-chipped front tooth. I want to feel him kiss me again, my face burning from the scratch of his stubble. I want his strong arms to wrap themselves around me, unexpectedly. I want to squeeze his hand while we walk side by side. I want him to play George Michael for me again on his stereo and sing "Careless Whispers" in a mock-falsetto while I giggle uncontrollably. I want him to take his stethoscope out of his backseat again and pretend to hear my heartbeat, even though he really just wants to touch my boobs. He threatened to wear his lab coat if I didn't cooperate next time. Hahaha.....one night with him just doesn't seem like enough.

This must be more than just your average infatuation or passing fancy. I was at lunch, flipping channels when I spotted Salma Hayek kissing Matthew Perry at the end of Fools Rush In, a movie I've seen a dozen times already. My eyes welled up with real tears....OF HAPPINESS!!! What?!? Gross. I never cry, much less from joy.

Must be the menstrual hormones.

Or maybe I'm just really, genuinely happy?

The current state of events with Chris are pretty fucking rad.