Dealing with a heart that I didn’t break....

A lot of false starts, missed connections, broken promises and delayed plans between Chris and I....we're on the road to possibly take this relationship to the next level. I thought we were ready to have sex but at the moment, it doesn't appear that way...and maybe it's for the best, no matter how much I gnash my teeth or ball my fists.

Quite simply and succinctly: he's not ready.

What I thought were ridiculous obstacles turned out to be god-sends, because I don't ever want him to regret the decision he's about to make. I could feel he was avoiding me, or at least burying himself so far into his work that he had no time to call or text me. Hormones flew on Sunday and we made plans to see each other, but they fell through as his father had to be rushed to the ER. Chris promised the following night he'd make it up to me, but before the blazing hot afternoon of Monday was over, he had already texted me:

"I'm not ready."

I must have stared at that message for hours. Or minutes. It all starts to feel the same to me. My fingers flew to give a response. It's okay, it's fine, really, let's talk about it. But he never responded. The old me would've anguished for days on that silence and on those three words. I will not languish anymore. I resolved to call him up on the phone an hour ago. And on the 5th ring, he answered.

And we talked. For 34 straight minutes. The giant chasm of silence was lifted. He complained about his relatives being unhelpful, about how his uncle gave everyone a contagious skin rash which infected both his 98 year old grandmother and his father, the two people with the weakest immune systems. Chris says he's not sick, but this whole family drama has weighed heavily on him. School started up again and he's been buried in homework. Work is not any better and tomorrow he works a 12 hour shift at the hospital. I listened intently and offered as much comfort as I could. I told him I'm always here if he needs to vent. He appreciated it greatly and apologized for not calling me: "It seemed that every-time I'd have a free moment, it'd already be 2 am and you were probably sound asleep" he sighed with remorse. I accepted and things felt good. We joked around for a few minutes more, and I smiled to myself. He was back to his old self, making me laugh and swoon at the same time.

On a serious note, I did tell him we needed to discuss "being ready" sooner rather than later. He could take all the time he needed, but eventually we had to sort this out....NOT over text, definitely face to face or at the very least, over the phone. He agreed. I think he said he might call me tomorrow.

We hung up and I felt wistful, almost immediately. I miss him. I just wish I could hold onto him.

Part of me knows he's still got a lot of healing to do over his divorce. He's been fucked over royally. I want to help him mend his broken heart, to put together the pieces of his soul but I can't do that unless he wants to. He needs to give us time. Is it weird I want to yell at his ex-wife? I don't want to say she's the reason he's damaged...but what other reason is there? Admittedly, I was in her position once. But I could never reveal the infidelity to Dan. Why couldn't Chris's ex-wife spare him?

I leave for San Diego next weekend, and I welcome the fun times hanging out with my old college pals.

I leave for New York City in 8 days. That trip is filled with a lot more lecherous activities...

from Facebook:

Tarek went from being "in a relationship" to "single."

I don't even know where to start with that. Terry (Tarek is his full name) comes from my way-back-when....he existed a long time ago, before this blog...before Dan...before I even french-kissed a boy..and he lives in New York. And he dumped his girlfriend. And he wants me.

Terry is best friends with Jay. I hooked up with Jay 8 years ago on my first trip to NYC. He has never forgotten that. He claims to still have feelings for me and wants to fuck me. I refuse to give a solid yes or no.

Am I flying 3,000 miles to be a cock-tease? I hope not.

Lord, give me strength to keep my composure. Chris....give me a reason to wait for you. I don't want to be stuck in a holding pattern forever.

I want to be better than this....I *need* to be better than this...