I feel like singing. All the time. Silly right?
My gut reaction is to scream at the top of my lungs.
From happiness.
For happiness.
Because of happiness.
I want to belt out that I am ridiculously happy. I've had a smile plastered on my face for days and days.
Throw my arms up into the air. Go to the top of my building at work and shout it from the roof.
"I'M IN LOVE! I'M IN LOVE! I'M FUCKING IN LOVE!!!!"
It happened Saturday. Not how I pictured it would happen. In fact, I really hadn't even thought that far ahead, but I figured I couldn't get past Christmas, much less New Year's Eve without saying it.
My company's holiday party was fun and Jose got to meet the whole cast of characters that make up my work life. Everyone kept commenting that we made a cute couple and my boss even told me that he thought Jose and I make a nice match. I was beaming.
We met up with my best friend Lauren, her friend Jonathan and Jose's best friend Johnny at a whiskey bar around the corner. My other gal pals joined and a few of my work friends filtered through as well. It was a great night and I got to see Jose shit-faced for the first time. Most of the time, he's quiet and tends to let everyone else have the spotlight. On Saturday night, he was the opposite. He was talkative, giddy and laughing a bunch. He was also PDA crazy and spent a large portion of the night playing with my hair and kissing me shamelessly in front of my friends. At one point, we even convinced him to kiss Johnny hahaha. I didn't get a video of the infamous smooch but I did get some of Jose taking a shot he didn't want:
Anyway, as it was nearing 1 am, we left the bar to grab food and were met with rain showers. The streets were slick and the boys were slip sliding their drunken selves across the Pasadena sidewalks. The bouncers and a couple of the patrons outside were chuckling as I tried to wrangle my boyfriend and his equally drunk best friend. Jose wraps an arm around my shoulder and hangs on as I steer him towards the King Taco. He smiles and mumbles loud enough so only I can hear, "Babe....I love you!" I'm instantly stunned. This is drunk talk. This doesn't mean anything. He won't remember in the morning. I should have thought of something more diplomatic to say but I just blurted it out, almost out of reflex: "I love you too!" I say quickly and hope I don't sound like I'm lying.
Because I'm not lying. If I didn't feel it, my instinct should have been to say something like "I care about you too" or "Thank you" (wait, that's kinda mean...glad I didn't say it haha!)
I wrestled with the idea of being in love with Jose for the rest of the night. As my friends chomped down on tacos, I thought about it. As I hobbled with drunken Jose and Johnny to find our cars in the maze-like parking structure, I thought about it. As I drove home with Jose slumped in my passenger side, moaning that he'd never drink again (sure) and lamenting the fact that he had a huge boner...yeah even then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I rubbed his head and told him it'd be okay, that I'd get him home soon. I thought and thought, nervously biting my nails and hoping this stupid rain would let up soon. I hate driving in the rain. But I'll do it for him. Because I want him home safe. Because I care about him deeply. Because....I guess I do love the silly boy. There is no timeline, there is no set "date." We all come to this realization on our own. I suppose Jose's drunken escapade made me come to the conclusion faster. I got a push in the most unlikely way. I love this guy, more than I fully comprehend.
We talked about it the next morning and Jose tells me that indeed he was high on liquid courage but that he meant every word. He loves me and wanted the cat outta the bag finally. I told him I love him too and that I was sure of it. Honest.
My heart is full. He's filled in all the little cracks and then some. I haven't been in love romantically in nearly 3 years. It might seem like we're moving too fast, but I say fuck that.
Jose and I make our own time.
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