The road to us moving in together has been paved with obstacles that are not that easy to overcome. I am trying my hardest not to be upset at my mom, but she's the main reason I cannot move out right now. Jose and I were busy filling out apartment applications. We saw several apartments in Pasadena and in Highland Park. Nobody was calling us back but we weren't discouraged. We got so close. But then one evening my mom informs me that her boyfriend is not ready to move in and take my place. In fact, he's become more distant with my mom ever since she mentioned the idea. Again, trying not to be so mad....but her boyfriend is a total loser and I'm stuck. I can't go anywhere. My mom has tried every which way to help me make this happen but her stubbornness has left her with little options. She won't move back in with my aunt, she won't find another place with her boyfriend and she has no friends to take my place so I can go. So right now, NOTHING is happening.
I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. My dream of spending my days and nights with Jose looks super far away...
We spoke about this and it just feels like I'm going in circles. Thank goodness my darling boy is so understanding and patient. He is not as deterred as I am and reassures me that he is in no rush. He said he's going to keep saving money and when it happens, it'll happen. We've entertained the idea of buying house, too which would definitely require more time and more saving up. Jose has it all planned out and he thinks it could be a reality in 3-4 years.
Being upset at my mom doesn't help. Wallowing in my own despair absolutely won't help. I've had tons of time to think about it as the summer has unfolded and I am trying REALLY HARD not to compare myself to other couples. Everyone always pesters me about when we're going to get married and have kids, and I can barely get the moving in part to become a reality. It's a lot of unnecessary pressure to progress at everyone else's level.
"Are you not happy with how things are presently? Why do you have to worry about what everyone else is doing? You'll never be happy with what you got if you're always looking for something else to do..." he says over dinner. I feel my face flush with embarrassment. He's right....I can't even look him in the eye and explain myself out of the hole I'm in. I meekly stir the ice in my drink with my straw and muster up a response...
"I am happy. I am. I am the happiest I've been....it's just...."
And I don't know why I added a "just" to the rest of that. There shouldn't be any need to qualify how good my life is now. Yes, it could be better. Yes, we could keep striving for more, but we're not in dire straits or anything. We're not in a pit of despair right now where we're clawing for a way to get out....
No....we're in a wonderful place. And life is beautiful. And I need to enjoy that because these are the best days and if I keep looking elsewhere, I'll miss it all.
Jose's signed up for 2 courses this fall at Pasadena City College and hopes to finish his degree. So even if I don't see it, things around me are changing. Not entirely sure what he wants to major in but he's got my full support. I sure don't miss studying and homework, so better him than me! :)
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