I won't stop, not 'til I get what I want & all that I want is you..

More than a week ago, Jose told me that his sister had texted that she had seen an empty apartment in her building. The apartment was being cleaned up and appeared to be getting ready to go up for rent. My stomach did somersaults and I was super excited. That very same afternoon, I drove out to Eagle Rock with Jose and we tried to see if we could look at the apartment ourselves, but the apartment manager was gone and the unit was closed. I tried not to get too ahead of myself, but I could already see myself living in this quaint little building that still retained traces of its days from 1920s Los Angeles. I checked out the neighboring apartment buildings, shops, restaurants, churches, schools and businesses. Jose and I drove around Eagle Rock, talking excitedly about what our work days and weekends would be like. We left his sister Liz with the task of hunting down the landlord and asking if we could see the unit for ourselves.

Well, a week went by. No sign of the landlord. Then a few more days after that. Then Liz tells us that the landlord has promised the unit to a relative of his, which had been my fear from the beginning. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. (sigh) 

I'm a little disappointed. I had already mentioned our moving out plans to my mom once the apartment in Eagle Rock turned into a lead. I was already arranging what furniture I would take and what towels I wanted to buy. In my head, I felt it was a clear sign but my gut had doubts. 

Back to the drawing board, I suppose. Originally, my plan had been to look at apartments in the summer, with some calm and patience. No rush. No pressure. Like I told Jose, "The right apartment will find its way to us." Fingers eternally crossed.

In the meantime, I had a blast seeing Crosses with Jose and all our close pals. The music of Chino Moreno is always the best soundtrack for us.....

& oh, my dreams: it's never quite as it seems, 'cause you're a dream to me..

Tiny progress has been made towards our dream to move in together this year. I had a frank discussion with my mom about moving out, and I was surprised to find that she was quite okay with the idea. She wants to move in with her boyfriend too! In fact, once things get a little more stable later in the year, she said it would be fine if I moved out and her boyfriend moved in to take my place. Wouldn't that work out just dandy? I was delighted and a little relieved because the last time I told my mom I was moving out, she was very upset. It was no surprise she wasn't so fond of my then-boyfriend Dan and my relationship with my mother suffered because of this. It's not like Dan was a straight out asshole with me and it caused her pain....nope...she just knew he wasn't the right guy for me and didn't want me wasting my time, money and energy.

Boy, was she right? It sucks hearing your parent tell you "I told you so!"...but sometimes you need to hear it.

I am almost certain that my mom knows my relationship with Jose is VASTLY different than the one I had with Dan. I can tell by the way she acts towards Jose. Whereas before, she was very distant and critical of my boyfriends, with Jose it's a huge love fest. She likes having him around, she sees he's a positive influence and she appreciates how nice and helpful he is. He speaks to her in Spanish, he has good manners and he's a total gentleman. The kid is the total package. He's been "mom approved" for quite some time. I am glad we have her blessing.

Now if only a spot would open up at Jose's sister's building in Eagle Rock (uh hello: $725 for a gorgeous studio in a fab neighborhood!), we would be all set....I hope and pray that we know something by August or September. Jose has started checking listings on Craig's List but nothing has really caught our eyes. Oh well. The search continues.

We had a bit of a slip up a few weeks ago. After my grandmother's huge 99th birthday party, Jose and I decided to go off and have our own after-party at Jonny's house. We drank a lot. Jose must have had like 8 or 9 beers and I took three shots of Black Label whiskey in a row. I wasn't drunk but caught a nice buzz. Jose was drunk as shit and when bed time came, well.....we didn't exactly sleep. We decided to have sex and our brains might have been a little foggy. Needless to say, the condom slipped off. Completely. INSIDE OF ME. And there we were fumbling in the dark, half drunk and half asleep...and all I could slur was, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay...don't worry." Well, we forgot about it for like half a day and then sheer panic set in. How much do you think made its way inside of me? What if Jose has super good swimmers? I mean, he's Mexican for God sake!! OH MY GOD. Monday morning, I'm worrying myself over and over. I google the nearest pharmacy that will sell me the Plan B pill. I wind up a few blocks from my house, shelling out $50 to an Indian couple from a pretty ghetto East LA clinic so I can take the "morning after" pill. I tell Jose of my plan and he's all for it "Better to pay 50 bucks now cuz kids are really expensive, ya know?" he says over text. Oh yeah. I know. I know. I know.

Then comes the waiting game. My period was 5 days late, thank you very much. SHIT!!!!!!! That was 5 full days of grieving my easy-breezy-casual life of movies and dinner dates with Jose. I thought for sure, "IT'S OVER. DONE. I'M FUCKING PREGNANT. THE PILL DID NOTHING." There went the plan to find the perfect apartment. Of being engaged at our own pace. Of being married. Of being happy newlyweds without the stress of children and moving too fast. That's it, I thought, it's ruined. I'm knocked up and all my plans have gone to hell.. Mental torture. 5 days full of it. And then my period finally decides to show. And I fist pumped on the toilet.

And that's how I know, I am NOT ready to be a parent because the idea of having a baby induced nothing but worry and disappointment. It's not part of my plan right now. I got a bunch of other stuff I feel I need to do first with Jose. My life plan is very important to me and now that I have my dream guy, I want the rest of my dream to come true just the way I want it. I would not want my future children to be accidents or the consequence of my stupidity. We still got a ways to go.

I won't share you, no...I won't share you....

Valentines Day weekend lasted about 5 days thanks to the Presidents Day holiday falling on Monday. Jose and I made it last from Thursday afternoon all the way till Monday night....

Some highlights:
He stopped by my work on the 13th with orchids in hand and we had Mexican food at a stand a few blocks from my office. Orchids are my favorite and he knows it. Pre-Valentines Day went well and I was ready for the mushiness of the following day.

On the 14th, I drove to his place and thankfully no one was home except for his mom who kissed me hello and then disappeared a few minutes after I arrived.

(Things between Jose and his mom Connie have been kind of tense. A few weeks ago, Connie told Jose she was NOT going to break up with her prison boyfriend despite all the legal troubles. This made Jose very upset and he stopped talking to her for like a week. Jose was also very worried that his mom's prison boyfriend would get his friends to start sniffing around their apartment and maybe relay messages to her....or worse. I texted Jose that he had all the right in the world to be afraid and perhaps he should consider moving his siblings somewhere else to avoid ex-convicts from showing up at his place. Well, Jose being Jose used my text conversation as part of his argument with his mom. He thought I had explained the situation clearly and wanted his mom to understand how worried we all were. Well, Connie then tells Jose I'm "putting ideas" in his head. Oh please. Me? I'm not the one that listens to my jailhouse boyfriend and then gets myself ARRESTED FOR DRUG POSSESSION. I kept my distance for a few days but recently Connie has been nice and things have gone *seemingly* back to normal. I think she knows that if the rest of the kids find out she still plans to stay with her jailbird, everyone will turn against her. She knows me and Jose are the ONLY ones who know and would be screwed if we told on her; so it would benefit her to be nice)

But yes, the 14th was pleasant. I gave Jose a Lakers shirt with Kobe Bryant's name and team number on it plus some "manly" chocolates :) He loved the shirt and put it on right away, as he usually does lol. He played me my Valentines song on the guitar, which this year was "I Won't Share You" by the Smiths.



He might not be the greatest singer in the world, but his guitar playing is so good. No lessons! He just plays by ear and he picks up on songs so easy. He also got me a cute card with a picture of a sleeping kitten on it. We ordered pizza and watched "Oblivion" on HBO, without any interruptions or crying babies. Surprisingly, the house was empty for once and we had a great time cuddling and talking over the movie, as we often do :D

Fireworks came on the 15th. He came over to my house, which was also empty for once and we spent the afternoon having sex followed by dinner at The Hat. Jose can eat meat now so of course he tried the pastrami, which is to die for....yummmmy. We capped off the night at Jonny's house with some beers and Netflix.

We've been talking more about moving in together as he is getting very frustrated with his home situation. On top of the fact that his mom refuses to leave the side of her prison boyfriend, he can't stand how flippant she is about things. She lets his sister Stephanie's boyfriend (*ahem* baby daddy) drive Jose's car without insurance to go pick up food. She forgets to check the water levels on the Civic and fries the engine, which then Jose has to spend weeks fixing. And then last night, she leaves his nephew's scooter in the parking spot and he backs into it, breaking a tail light. There he is to the rescue again, buying a new tail light and fixing the car. Jose's so nice to let Connie borrow the Civic for work because it's fuel efficient and she needs to save up for her own car, but she's always abusing his kindness. He loves that car and is proud that he's resurrected and renovated it from inside to out, so why does she insist on being so careless with it?

Oh and don't get me started on the messy siblings. He shares a room with his brothers who are always wrecking the room and not cleaning up after themselves. Jose spends the better half of his time when I come over muttering about how inconsiderate they are and throwing out empty pizza boxes and soda bottles. He says he tells them to clean up but they don't listen. And then there are his sisters who never vacuum, leave trails of hair on the carpet and leave a mess in the bathroom whenever they decide to fix themselves up for the night. Stephanie's baby son and Liz's 4 year old son are perpetually there (Liz doesn't even live here but dumps Tito off at grandma's house whatever chance she gets). Baby Sean is always crying and Tito the brat is always hogging the TV. Though they're both adorable, it gets a little old after a while to feel like I'm sitting at a day care center just so I can see my boyfriend. It's aggravating for Jose and irritating for me. I just wish I could take him away from that mad house and bring him somewhere quiet and clean. Don't get me wrong, Jose's family is very sweet and kind...but they can be so clueless sometimes, it drives me nuts. Ughhh! I know, I know...when we get married they're gonna become my family, too.....I hope I can become more patient and they can become more self-aware.

We talked seriously the other day over what city we'd want to move to. Thankfully, Jose brought it up so I didn't feel like I was pressuring him. We decided Eagle Rock would be our best bet. It's an up and coming neighborhood in LA with Hispanic and hipster flavors. It would be very close to my work and my mom's house, and same for him. And then a few weeks ago, we were walking around Costco and we stopped at the jewelry section. Again, I didn't steer us over to the engagement rings....he did :D I didn't want to seem overly excited, so I casually told him that price shouldn't be a deciding factor on whether or not he wants to get engaged. I don't need a ring in the 4 digit price range....3 digits is just fine. I'm not J-Lo or Kim Kardashian, I don't need a 4 karat canary diamond ring or anything. Maybe half of a half a karat? :D...0.22 karats even? lol  I laugh and tell him he could pull all the fillings out of his mouth and melt them down into a ring and I'd wear it happily. I turn to him as we hover over the pretty, shiny rings and say "I know your dad is a jeweler. If some jilted Reno divorceé comes in and wants to pawn her old diamond ring, I'll take it! Heck, if some shitty morons come in with grandma's ruby ring that's still warm cuz they slipped it off her dead finger, I will fucking take it!" Jose laughs and nods. "Ok. What about an onion ring?" he asks and raises an eyebrow, "Will you take an onion ring?" lol lol

Yeah, sure. Why not? lol

Life is headed in a great direction. I simultaneously want things to hurry up but I want it to go slow, too. My heart keeps expanding with all the love I feel for him. Exciting times!!!!!

& I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head...

Is there something like, crazy in the air today?

Been contacted by two ex-"whatever you wanna call them" in the span of a few hours. Both kind of out of nowhere, but isn't that always how it goes? Nothing like this ever comes expected. Always out of left field.

Rob texted me after well over a year of silence. I had not heard from him since September 2012 and good riddance. I was tired of participating in his stupid "help me cheat on my girlfriend" reindeer games that left me feeling exhausted, unwanted and cheap. I deserved those feelings, yes. And he deserved to be rudely dismissed! I thought he hated me and was satisfied to never speak to me again.

But then this....

Me thinks he was sniffing around. Inevitably he asked how were things with me and I said fabulous. I told the truth because the truth is MARVELOUS. My life needs no embellishment. I have a great boyfriend. My career is good. I'm going to fucking Australia in a few weeks. It's all roses! I don't think he was expecting such an answer because he immediately retreated. He told me he and the girl he cheated on are still going at it, been living together for almost a year. His music-teacher career is going well and he's lost 70 lbs. Yeah, he even mentioned he was at the gym. OMG barf. After praising me on my success, he wished me well and cut the conversation short. And you know what, GOOD. Under no circumstances do I even want to talk to him unless I am smashing his face into how good I have it. 

"I'm not trying to give my life meaning

by demeaning you

and I would like to state for the record

I did everything that I could do

I'm not saying that I'm a saint

I just don't want to live that way

no, I will never be a saint

but I will always say:

squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition..."

And then round two. Ryan. Oh yeahhhhh. That Ryan. The one and only.

Our conversations post-separation have been much more pleasant and we have remained distant allies. We never had a nasty "break up" or a Facebook unfriending. We just kinda went our separate ways with separate people. Of course, I was the one with the broken heart and he apparently had a broken spirit. Oh well. Whatever. We healed and were friendly on the internet. But today he decides to strike up a conversation and he finally admits he's dating someone, which I remember alluding to in a Facebook comment. Oh yeah cuz now I finally exist to him in FB-land...

It was so surreal having a conversation with him about our significant others. He tells me how whipped he is over her and how they've both lost "cool" points over one another, presumably because they dote on each other. I can tell he likes her. I see pictures of them on Instagram and they seem delighted. And I am so glad to see that. That's how I know I truly am over him. Seeing him with a new girl actually makes me smile. 

I tell him about Jose and how much I love him, and none of that is weird. Ryan gets it and tells me he regrets being so wayward when we were together. This isn't the first time he's said this, but it's the first time I think I actually believe him. I thought maybe before it was just him feeling guilty or sad over breaking my heart. But now I think it's because it's so clear we have both moved on completely. It doesn't feel wrong. It feels like a real apology that I can now accept because my wounds are healed and he's out of my heart. No remorse. Just happy.

Hooray indeed.

Jose came over today and I was just reminded how good I have it. I have it all. We ate burgers from my favorite spot and watched a marathon of Girls, season 2. I love to hear him laugh. He laughs so hard! There was a point where I was talking about how I had switched to a new shampoo and he ran his fingers through my hair. He twirled a couple of strands and said: "If I have a girl, I hope she gets your hair."

I am so lucky. I feel it all around. :)

Baby, do you dare to do this? Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse...

Happy New Year!!!

My 2014 started off with a couple of bangs.

Jose's New Years resolution from 2012 came to an end and he's no longer a vegetarian. It wasn't really much of a resolution as it was a bet among friends that he couldn't do it for 3 months. Well, 3 months turned into 2 years and on New Year's, we had T-bone steaks to celebrate his return to carnivore life. DELICIOUS! He cleaned his plate and mine :)

He's gotten a second job working part time at his friend Rocky's auto mechanic shop. He hopes to start phasing the Pep Boys stuff out and make the shop job his main gig. Right now he's just doing basic tune up stuff and I'm actually taking my car into his shop on Saturday for a break job. Second job means a little bit of money on the side, which is nice. He told me he's been saving up for our place. I asked if his family will be okay with him moving out this year, to which he told me that he doesn't think we'll be moving out anytime soon.

Well, that felt like a punch in the gut.

Neither one of us is very aggressive or confrontational, so our "fights" are always painfully understated. I stayed quiet and kinda slumped in my seat. I think he could feel the disappointment radiating from the passenger seat of the car. We we were happy and civil for the rest of the night but by the time he dropped me off at my house, I wasn't in the happiest mood. Especially when I tried to kiss him goodnight and he tells me he doesn't like it when I put my hand on the back of his head. He could have told me he hates water colors or the sound of baby kittens purring, and my reaction would have been the same. (SNAP) I immaturely stormed out of his car and went to bed. Hooray. We spent the first 12 hours of the new year mad at each other. By the afternoon, we hashed it out. He told me he was bothered by my silence over not being able to move out soon. I told him he was right and there was no point arguing over it. We both have to be ready. I apologized for being rude and walking out on him. All was well...

And then tonight, seemingly out of nowhere he asks:

A lot of friends around us are having babies and shacking up together (including his own sister!), so I think he feels the pressure to try and keep up or somehow fulfill a need I have. Lord knows, I do want those things but not in that order. I reiterate that this is the hand we've been dealt with and we need to do things on our own timeline. Nothing bad has happened and we gotta keep going in our own way, no on else's. We closed the subject and said goodnight.

I can tell he wants to do right by me and that he thinks carefully about our future life together. No matter what, I know this is going to be a great year for us. Even better than the last :)

I'm getting used to you & I could never get used to living without you...

So Jose peed in the toilet while I was in the restroom at the same time.

We were home alone and I was doing my make up in the bathroom since I was running all late for our dinner plans. He asks if he can take a pee, so I said sure and was just about to exit the restroom to let him in when he says "No it's okay. I'll just come inside." I kinda stuttered and stammered, said "Sure!" and went back to my make up. And while I'm doing my eyeliner at the mirror, he's taking a pee just a few feet away.

This is a good sign, right? It oddly means he's used to me and comfortable. Lord knows, we've farted enough in front of each other while asleep or on accident. Whereas before he was embarrassed to pass gas, nowadays he just tells me and backs away. I had to fart really bad on Friday night and he was cheering me on, telling me to let it rip. I refused and let my insides cripple me in pain. Next time, I'm gonna blow ass and not save it for the lonely car ride home. If he can pee right next to me, I can let out a little toot.

The longer that I wait, the more selfish that I get...

You seem like you'd be a good dad..

As we embark on our next year together, I'm pleased to find moments with Jose that remind me how much I love him and reveal experiences that show how much I will continue loving him.

The lovey-dovey nature of the first few months hasn't exactly washed away. It's corny as hell, but every once and a while I have to sit back and stare at him in secret. Is he real? Am I dreaming? I'm amazed at the way my heart keeps growing. I find more room in my heart to love him. It is ever-expanding this heart of mine.

And it's not because of anything he says, but more with what he does. Actions will always speak louder than words.

His second nephew Sean was born last week and we visited the tiny little human in the hospital. Jose's sister Stephanie was shuffling around in her pajamas and fuzzy robe, glowing with motherhood. I felt a little pang of jealousy as Jose's family crowded around her and the baby, all of them in a happy daze that the unwed 18 year old In & Out Burger waitress was on her way to becoming a great mom. I'm 29 and barreling towards 30 in about 2 months and I have no clue if and when I'll ever have children. As I had told Jose, children for me right now are a far-off fantasy. All the children I hope to have live in "someday" land. They're all just wishes I hold deep in my heart and I don't know if I can put a deadline on when I want to have them. So many of my friends have had babies this year or are expecting, and the idea of not being married or living with Jose while we wait to make a human terrifies the shit out of me.

I guess I'm envious at how easy-breezy Stephanie and her boyfriend make it look. While they're okay with "figuring it out" and letting things sort themselves out, I know that's not what I want and I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I truly want. I know what my life plan is...the baby part is just a lot more hazy right now.

They ask me if I want to hold the baby and I get nervous. I let Jose go first, who proudly takes Sean in his arms. Sean doesn't even wake up. He barely even stirs. I watch Jose hold the teeny-tiny baby and my heart swells with joy. Watching him hold that baby reassures me that I've found a good guy. I've found a great partner who will help me *hopefully* become a real mom...maybe I'll finally get over this anxiety and self-doubt...

I find the courage to hold the baby but not before sitting down so I don't get even more nervous about dropping him on the floor. I hold Sean for maybe a minute. My palms are sweaty and I'm anxious. I don't move a muscle. I take a few pictures and hand him back. Jose scoops him up and he holds him for another long while. I wish I could feel that way and have an instant love for the baby. The truth is, I've never really felt like that about anyone's kid (even my own relations) and it worries me that I'll always be that way. It's gotta be different when I finally have kids, right? At least I can count on Jose who continually bests at me at being loving, kind and sensitive. Toddlers, babies and little kids always love Jose and he has a wealth of patience. I see him holding Sean and I know that he'll be a tremendous father someday. Ah, someday someday...

As we drive home from the hospital, I ask Jose if seeing his brand-new nephew made him want to have children of his own. He nods and says it sure does. We've always talked about having kids, what kind of parents we'll be and even what we'd want to name them....but both of us holding a tiny life form, I think, made it seem all too real. Having a baby with Jose seems like the happiest horizon. He tells me I'll be a good mom and I believe him. Now if only I would believe in myself and replace this heavy feeling of inadequacy...

***

On the flip side, Jose can also be pretty manly and handy with a socket-wrench. He's a bit of a self-taught greasemonkey: he works at Pep Boys and recently resurrected his '88 Civic. I kinda fancy him an amateur mechanic with the knowledge and experience to hopefully work in a legitimate shop someday. He volunteered to change the oil in my car and did an amazing job. I just stood there in awe....hahahah...he's absolutely the manliest boyfriend I've ever had...

Is it bad that I wanted him to kiss me and put his dirty, greasy hands all over me in a fit of passion? I swear, looking at his cute butt all day while he worked on my car made me crazy. And then when he'd get up from under the car for a breath of air, he'd be all sweaty and stuff. I would've had sex with him there in the driveway if the neighbors weren't around hahahha just kidding! I'm just his #1 cheerleader. I look at this kid and I feel blessed. He's the one. We're going to be great teammates in this life of ours.